End of the year

I'm usually not a person who makes a big deal out of a new year. Mainly because I generally have broken my "resolutions" almost immediately. Anywho, this year feels different for some reason. As I approach 2010 I am feeling anxious about it... not necessarily good or bad but anxious about what the new year has in store for me. I am ready to build on the momentum I am feeling surrounding Casual Friday and a few other projects that are percolating. Being still right now is of the utmost importance, but that can sometimes be a challenge for me. My mind wanders rapidly and often, but being still and listening are high priorities for me.

Oh well...when I sat down I thought I had a lot to write about but I guess not...maybe tomorrow...

Medicine for Melancholy

This is one of my favorite films of 2009. It reminds me of what I enjoy the most about art. The ability to dream and create something amazing, while hopefully taking the viewer or listener on a journey with you. Great art allows us to escape for that time into a different world so to speak. This is what inspires me as an artist. Knowing that we have so much creative power at our disposal invigorates me, and it ain't even about money(budget). It is about vision and passion. Love! Loving what we do at the core of who we are. Being willing to express that truth in that moment at that time....yeah man... definitely good shit.

Detox 2.0

So lately I've been asking myself what am I consuming on a daily basis... Not so much physically (although I could definitely use some improvement there as well), but mentally what is my daily intake. Am I filling my thoughts with useless information or am I taking in things that will enhance my way of Life? Am I being sucked into the daily media scrutiny of info that has no bearing on my existence or am I using my time to create the Life I have always envisioned for myself? As I sat back pondering these things after being inundated with inquiries about how I felt about Tiger Woods and watching how that (his infidelity) got and gets more coverage than the troop increase or the new developments in health care... I realized that there is a clear imbalance in what information I am taking in on a daily basis. I started to make leeway in changing what I was consuming and when. I didn't cut on my computer first thing in the morning. I would read spiritual passages and got deeper into my affirmations and prayers, but I realized that soon as that was done I was right back on Facebook or wherever reading (through status updates) things that had little or no relevance in the way I need and want to live my Life. So I chose to take a break from cyberworld (save for blogging and a few websites that I have found useful)...

I have done the master cleanse quite a few times and have found the results by enlarge to be helpful, so I am figuring why not do the same mentally! Why not limit the times I am on the computer "social networking" and actually use that time to finish the slew of unfinished projects that await my time and energy? Why not cleanse my mind of the clutter that has accumulated over the past few months? There is so much that I want to and need to put into my journals, so many things I have wanted to say to me (yeah I talk to mySelf) but have been to preoccupied to say!

I was gonna say that I look forward to getting back on Facebook and reconnecting with old friends and for networking purposes, but I don't know if I do! I mean it is really great connecting with folks and all that, and it is useful for staying in touch with family; but is it really something I look forward to? Hmmm... I won't front like I won't reactivate my account, but the last 3 days have been really good for me. What I really look forward to is continuing the journey of creative expression that has been formulating and manifesting ItSelf in my Life over the last few days.

Nothing To Prove

So yeah...I am rethinking a lot of things that I am doing in my Life. It dawned on me that I am doing some things to prove that I am a "good" guy and not necessarily out of enjoyment. I feel that if I say no I will disappoint them and they will not look at me the same. So I get caught up in this merry go round of things I am not really interested in doing, but I do not have it in me to just say not this time, maybe later or even no. I have to appreciate and accept my goodness and not overwhelm myself just to make others happy and to reinforce my good nature with them. My goodness (or whatever you wanna call it) is not a case by case temporary thing, nor is it up for others to judge.

Sometimes I really don't know how to end these post...part of me wants to end on some ole flowers and licorice type stuff, and the other part of me is like you whatever...write what you feel and move on...it is all good...light at the end of the tunnel and all that there...although I do understand and accept the importance of affirming the life I "seek" and not dwelling in the negative space...every once in a while gotta let that frustration out...

The Worst Vice

How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:4

I believed for a while that is easier (at least it appears to be) to correct a flaw in someone else than it is to work on ourselves. There is very little immediate outward glory if we correct our own mistakes, no one besides ourselves to say thank you. There is not pat on the back or someone to tell you how great you are. Just you digging deep within yourself to improve you, and it is difficult to admit the things that make us the most comfortable may be the things we need to rid ourselves of. It is challenging but necessary and very rewarding.

Over the last few months I've seen people reach out for assistance in their personal development only to have the person they are confiding in pile it on more. I do not believe it was malicious in intent, but in the same vein it was counter productive for both parties. I believe that when someone reaches out for "advice" on a matter it is also an opportunity for us as the giver to grow as well. We have in that moment a chance to look within us and seek that compassion we would seek and give from there. Compassion instead of correction, because even if the advice we give has worked for us in the past does not mean it will be the best route for that other person to take.
Listening is the best remedy for any ailment. Without judgment and with out ego. That is how we truly help.

Enough To Go Around

Little know fact about me...I can be competitive to a fault. I want to be THE ONE...whatever that means at a certain time...I wanna be "on top"...I realized this a few years back and pretty much had it in check. I was and am willing to celebrate the achievements and goals of my friends. I definitely wanted (and want) to see friends (non friends too) do well, but that part of me would keep rearing its head. What about me? When I'm gonna get mine? Etc. yadda yadda... anywho... I've started to wonder why that really was and is. Why do I feel the need to compete directly or indirectly? It could be that I am focusing so much time and energy on what I don't have (or think that I don't have) that what others seem to have is more appealing to me. The grass appears to be greener on the other side.

Consciously I am very happy when friends (I get it really bad if I'm just alright with you) book a gig, get engaged a better job or whatever, and it is not as if I want them to not have IT. I just want mine as well...ha... Just maybe a little different to suite my personal goals and ambitions.

But yeah...

I was gonna write some ole cool Sh*t to not make myself bad about having a case of the envies, but it is what it is ya know... I had it recognized it as a feeling that didn't sit well with me, so I got it off my chest and am moving on. No after school specials over here. Every once in awhile I get so consumed about how I appear to others that I just forget about just being me.
Yeah...

Procrastination

"Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses." - George Washington Carver

Yeah so I been medicating myself with TV for the last week or two, kind of procrastinating on the editing of Casual Friday. I know I'll get to it and soon, but then the what ifs keeps popping into my head. What if it isn't the film I wanted to make? What if it sucks? What if? What if? What if? Now deep down I don't believe it will suck or any of the other what ifs, but they can still make you pause. When I sought out advice I went to folks who would feed my fears...Yeah...even though I know better I don't always do better... So now I am back on track...not gonna say I ain't nervous about it, but I ain't letting it slow my roll...

The last few months have been a real experience the things I've feared most have been manifesting them into my Life. It ain't about blame it's about change(improving). Changing my habits and thoughts. Being more consistent and holding mySelf accountable to me...right...A part of me still seeks approval from outside sources to validate my gifts and talents...Yeah...recognition is important and now I will let it go and get my focus back on where I am going...

Trust. Love. Faith.

The Isolationist

I noticed this morning that I was doing it again. I was putting up my emotional force field again. I was protecting myself from what I deem the inevitable and throwing up false alerts to warn me of imminent danger. I realize it is all in my mind and an excuse I have relied on all to often.

My isolation are rarely of the physical kind(well maybe they are) but more on the emotional nature. I am there in physical form but not nearly like I should be to receive the very thing that I am blocking myself from.

I hide behind the belief system that was instilled in me long ago...things like you can't have it all and it'll never last or it is too good to be true. Now that I know differently I have to respond differently. Act(believe) accordingly for my desired results to be revealed.

Yeah...

So what I am saying is I need to be open to experience multiple forms of blessings simultaneously if you will. My creative pursuits don't have to stagnate my personal pursuits and vice versa... I keep putting an either or ultimatum on myself when it is more than possible for it all to coexist and be beautiful and readily available. While doing away with the empty calorie way of living. Doing a lot just to say I am but not showing or feeling anything internally for my efforts.

The beauty in all this is recognition. Now that I recognize what is happening I can change it, improve it or whatever is necessary.

Flowing

I woke up this morning with an urge to write something...just and urge to vent or flow, but to let something out. I do not know really what to say...honestly...not like I don't have a plethora of topics I could write about...yeah...hmmm...even within all the good I continue to sometime allow my focus to wander away from the things that make me feel good...no feel alive...I get caught in the muddle of what could be "better" and all that jazz, even though I know I am where I am supposed to be doing what I love to do...creating...

Freedom has been a big thing for me...freedom to do what I want, when I want. I was told that with freedom comes responsibility and that even with freedom comes a discipline necessary...I see that now freedom is not merely about a physical thing(like work etc.) but a much greater form of existence...it is knowing when to make a choice and why you are making that choice...and how to choose. Yeah...

I am excited to be wrapping up Casual Friday this weekend. It is the perfect length for my first time directing and I am excited to get it edited, but more importantly I am enjoying the journey. I am enjoying the "potholes" that came along the path and I am enjoying the people who have lent themselves to the project. Directly or indirectly. Listening to me cry when I thought it would not be made...or laughing with me when I would think of a new line to put in there. I am grateful.

Creating Something

So, I got up this morning and went hiking for the first time in a long while, and it felt pretty good. Good to get the body in motion first thing in the morning, and more importantly it was very good to get thoughts and ideas percolating. Yeah, I am not one to give myself credit for much that I do most of the time I feel like I am just doing what is required of me and am not doing anything special per se. But finishing up my first shoot day of Casual Friday was clearly motivating for me. I got through it, and it felt amazing. To be directing a set of more than one or two people simply felt very natural for me. I knew that I belonged! I learned a lot, but I also recognize that I have so much more to learn about the process.

I have tended to shy away from the technical aspects of being an artist. Putting more of an emphasis on feeling and instinct and all of that, but this man there is so much technical stuff that also goes into lighting and sound that I have to learn and I am not willing to shy away from that. I am embracing this part because I need my films to be good. To look good. To sound good. To be great even. I want the audience to have an experience that is beyond enjoyable so I have to enjoy making, and I did. I am excited for my next shoot date this Sunday. I am excited to get to editing it. I am invigorated by the whole process. It is moving me in unspeakable ways. I still love the other art forms that have gotten me to this place today and I will continue to pursue them passionately but this right here may just be the One.

Yes!

Saying Yes is an art, it takes a commitment to say it consistently when appearances are telling you to say no. To say Yes when the obvious physical solution would be to at the very least say maybe takes a lot of strength. It is very easy to put the things that we really want on hold until the timing is “better” or we have everything in place, but to be able to say Yes to your desires and dreams Now is what opens up our lives to Its endless possibilities. I was always committed to maybe! I liked to keep my options open was always my excuse. In actuality that was for me worse than saying no because it left me in spiritual limbo. Not quite where I wanna be but not quite “failing” either...doing just enough to “look good” but not enough to claim certain success either. So now I am committing to say Yes to my passions and desires, while saying a definite No to the old way of thinking (actually not thinking about it at all is the better plan). Just keeping my mind on the beauty and brilliance that is within me. Saying Yes to sharing my God given Gifts. Yes is very powerful and moves mountains when we commit to it fully.

What do you expect?

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein

As I grow as a person into a different(improved) spiritual awareness, when I enter a situation of possible uncertainty I ask myself a simple yet powerful question. What do I expect? I then set my expectations as well as my intentions. I like to be totally clear on how I would like the situation to play out and where I see the results going. I do not necessarily do it as an outline but I like to look for the “silver lining” in a situation if you will. Instead of assuming the worst case scenario, I embrace the highest possible outcome in a situation. The unexpected happens in miraculous ways if we just allow ourselves to open up to it. For a long time I looked at miracles as something that only happened for the select few that some of us were more “Blessed” than others, or should I say had more access to channeling their Blessings. I am beginning to understand and appreciate that we are all capable of receiving miraculous answers to any and all of our prayers if we would just walk in Faith and let doubt, worry and fear go. I was very much caught up in a old ideological way of thinking(praying) that kept me insecure and essentially begging for something that I did not believe I was worthy of. So my prayers appeared to go unanswered, but in reality they were answered in the way of more of what I already thought that I was. Lacking, limited and unworthy of God’s Blessings on my Life. It became a perpetual prayer of neediness and not thanksgiving and praise for who and what I AM. So now I expect the unexpected in miraculous ways. I now expect the best case scenario. I now create out of a Love space.

“And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear” Isaiah 65:24

Smile

Since I can remember I have always been asked the question, “Why do you smile so much?” or would hear… “You smile all the time.” I would usually just shrug it off with no response or some vague statement like “because I can.” The other day when again posed with the question after giving my usual response… I thought to myself “Why do I smile ‘all the time’?” Really it is more than just because I can, but deep down I always knew and know that no matter what the situation or circumstance I would be fine(better than fine actually). I know innately that better days are ahead, and I look forward to those days. Even when confronted with a taxing situation where heavy “lifting” needed(needs) to be done, doing it with a smile allows the time to go by quicker and yes the work still gets done. I smile because really it is what I do best, and I love to do it. I’ve done it for so long that I don’t know how not to. I smile because on more than one occasion someone has told me how much it has helped them. I smile because most days I have the most insanely comical thoughts running through my mind. I smile because the melodies are beautiful. I smile because it beats the alternative. I smile because it goes a long way. I smile because I am ME!

Maaaaan....

July was effin' rough man....I a lot of ups and and quite a few downs emotionally etc., but Yo it ended well in that I was able to really practice my Spiritual walk and stay calm in the midst of some things that normally fluster me beyond words.... Yeah

I had a couple of un-posted blogs saved in my drafts because I was just not in a sharing space...I learned a lot about the subconscious mind and the power of thought in July as well...It really looking back on it seemed like so much more than 32 days or however many are in the month...anywho...

I will focus on the good that came out of the month because that is what I need to do...for me...let the negative go...because a lot of good did develop last month...

Yeah... one month to 40...don't know if that means anything, but I know that making Casual Friday will be my birthday gift to myself...this film has been a long time coming and I am excited, nervous and any other adjective you could throw in there...ready to do it though...want and need to do it...right...

It's time...word

Reflections Of...

The month of July is now here...yeah...

Part of me wants to say hooray and jump for Joy because June was such an emotional roller coaster ride of a month for me, but to do that would to really miss the lessons that I learned in my experiences... I will be the first to admit that I am not clear on a lot of things that happened nor do I need to be stressed about why it was so. All things will be revealed in due time. I believe that and am a proponent now of not rushing but allowing Life to play ItSelf out...Yeah...

The one thing I think I was taught to remember in June is that we a truly a reflection of the people in our lives... and vice versa of course...if some one is doing something to me that annoys(ed) me I need to look within myself to see what part of myself that triggering...what do I need to change, improve or do away with in my personality that is probably really the cause of my annoyance... The thing that I had to remember was that it may not show up in an identical form and I may have to really search for it... but in my case inevitably it is always there... Conversely while praising those around me I can be aware that my Light is shining as well, and acknowledge those Gifts for myself as well... Self-Assurance is a Great Thing!

I woke up this morning feeling new... refreshed like a albatross of a burden was removed from my psyche... Over the last week(or less) I have gotten more prayerful and meditative...I've also sought out help in these areas... that is huge for me because actually praying with someone one on one has never been something I was willing to do(don't know why just didn't) but it got me back on the road...

Now would usually come the rah rah part...I don't feel the need to pump up what comes next... it will be seen...it has to be about actions, deeds and the like now... See it, be it, live it...

Yes!

Letting Go

Funny how the mind can really play tricks on us... If we are not cognizant of it while it is going down... I kind of stopped blogging and in doing that some old habits started to reformulate in my psyche... Things that I thought I let go of attempted to rear their ugly heads once again, and I was truly falling(or about to fall) hook, line and sinker for it... the okey doke as my peoples use to call it... I would use psychology like well since I see it is happening that makes it different... not making and effort to rectify it mind you but being aware was enough(so I would tell myself)...

Holding on to things that had no place in my Life anymore and making too much room for them at that. It's like letting someone in your crib that you know should not be there for whatever reason and not only do you let them in but you give them the master bedroom! Word... that is what I allowed to happen this month... I let negative and unproductive thoughts in and gave them free dominion over my Mind! Like here man here you go, I have nothing better to do so you do what you need...

As I type this I am physically tired but in a lot of ways it is symbolic because I tired from the mental sparring I went through this month with myself over things that I clearly know are not at worthy of my attention... I would like to say I am frustrated with myself but honestly it would serve no actual purpose and would allow me to only waste more time... Instead I am grateful that I caught it and am ready, willing and able to move forward with Love in my Heart for Me... I am saying Yes to things that I would never even consider saying Yes to opportunities(freedom), Yes to change(for my betterment) and Yes to the Divine! No had become such a staple in my daily vocabulary diet, that it was truly strange to have a new and improved dialogue... Consistency is the key... I got this way from years of whatever(and who cares really)... I have to consistently remind myself that wasn't really me through affirmation, meditation and prayer... I've seen it work for me in small doses...now is the time to step out on that Faith...Yeah... I am Blessed to be where I am and doing so many things that I Love to do and am Passionate about, with folks who are equally Loving and Passionate...that is where my attention has to be...and Is! And So It Is! Yes!

It's been a long time...

Well almost 2 weeks since my last blog. And well it has been sort of a roller coaster ride of emotions and such. I did some hibernating to really get the the crux of what it is I need to happen for me to be successful... Yeah...

I am...

Right! See things be happening in my head and I be living there for a mighty long time thinking my way away from the things that bring me Joy...It's a process and I can see clearly the progress I've made in this process...

I am Grateful...

Sometimes I allow myself to focus on what I do not want to happen...which in turn allows it to happen because that is where my focus and attention lie...kind of like when we go to a restaurant and look at the menu... We can say all day what we don't want off of the menu, but until we actually tell the waiter what it is we do want we will continue to be hungry...

I am Understanding...

A little bit more each I getting to know me better. I like it. I like Me... I know I have to Love Me, but I genuinely like me as a person...That was not always easy for me to say because I wore so many masks trying to please so many different folks. I am past that phase of my Life now. I am truly content on just being Me. The best one I can be at that....

I stopped blogging for a minute because I really didn't want to do it just to do it. I wanted to express shifts in my Life and I feel that I am again undergoing a transition. Honestly we are always shifting but some (to me)are more significant than others and that is what I am feeling right now. That something is formulating and looking to express Itself through me.

I used to always take the anxiety attacks I would get as a negative but lately I have been thinking that this may be something different. That I am anxious because something positive is developing and instead of medicating it away I am meditating it in...

I am excited, nervous and a whole lot more right now...I've picked a date to shoot my film...I have people on board to help make it happen and I look forward to watching it unfold(first-hand)

Dope Art

That is very much a subjective thing. I get that and I am not here to be a judge and critique things. No, that is not the purpose of this blog today...

What I will rap about is how amazing artists and their art move me.

Yeah...

When I am creatively blocked, I can look at a picture, listen to a song or watch a movie... whatever it may be and I am instantly(most times) elevated out my humdrums and back on course...

Today was very much that type of day... First I listened to Mos Def new CD(download whatever it is called nowadays)... anywho there is this song on there called Roses that just picked me up so much I had to listen to it over and over again...Right... so now my Spirit is raised as I am walking through Studio City getting my energy flowing again...

BAM...

I get home and log onto facebook...why not??? and a cat I knew from way back when sends me a chat link to his online radio show...

BOOM...

Old Skool Philly Classic stuff is blazin' in my ear... now my creative block is really getting lifted and I am seeing colors, shapes, ideas and things I have not seen in a while...

Then I think back to this weekend and the benefit show I was Blessed enough to volunteer at on Saturday and the Artists who graced the stage that day...

Now I am really grooving, and remember what I told myself a while ago...

Art is not always created in an instant!

Sometimes(most times) it has to marinate in the mind(imagination) for a while and take shape...form Itself...get its own breath!

It will not be done from 9 to 5( on some days it may work out that way...hooray if it does) so I have to stop beating myself up over that, and allow it to Be what it is going to be...

I can see the definite progress, and I know I am closer than I have ever been to finishing my film and my EP to follow...

Life is so very Grand...The is the Truth I have to remember...

Desire

It has been 2 weeks since I last put my thoughts, words and ideas about MySelf and My Life down in the blog... I felt the urge to push it back again today...wait until tonight or whatever, that would be the best time I kept telling myself but in actuality it was just another way to procrastinate and put off what has to be done...

The thing is this blog has truly helped me in ways I hadn't realized until the last few days. Putting your ideas and all that out there for whomever to see is therapeutic of course but it is something also much larger. I cannot really quite grasp what the word is I am looking for but I feel freer when I do this. I feel alive and invigorated sort of the same way as when I create my art, whether it is writing, creating a song or working on my screenplay. Creativity is my Life's purpose. I was born to create, and in that process I've learned to be creative outside of what is normally considered creative avenues. I've learned to be creative in my giving back(or paying It forward). I found ways to meet my desire to help others without it taking a toll on me and burning me out.

A few days ago as I was sitting down to pray and meditate and get my whole "mind right", getting back that sense of balance that was starting to escape me, then I realized I had never really truly explored how I want my Life to look. I mean I have said it in passing the things in Life I want etc., but I never really took the time to explore the things My Soul Desires... beyond just the surface wants and all that. I know my purpose is to be creative but how does that look, and how does it manifest itself. I felt the need to be more specific without suffocating It at the same time. As I started to explore this I was expecting some grandiose elongated list of things, but It was very Simple! Very Freeing and Very Me. The lesson I learned from doing that exercise was that there is profound beauty in simplicity. Life doesn't have to be complex to beautiful. Appreciate the small things that make me smile.

Luv Rules Everything Around Me!

On Saturday morning I was driving to Watts for my weekly ritual of teaching and learning at Peace4kids when I noticed two cars literally stopped in the middles lanes of the freeway back to back. The gentleman int the first car jumps out of his car(on the freeway mind you) and start kicking the car behind him! Word! So the other car pulls around him and goes to drive off the cat in the first then jumps in his car and starts to chase him down! Right! Yeah!

It was at the moment that I was continuing my affirmations for a positive, peaceful and joyous day at P4K. This was the second time in about a month that I've seen road rage escalate to where one person was jumping out of there car ready to do some damage. Now I've been in LA for a little over 5 years and I get frustrated like the next person...Folks can be thoughtless or unaware of their circumstances...Actually it happens to us all! No one is immune to a mistake...

I say all of that to say that through those experiences I am noticing more and more a lack of Love and Compassion to our fellow inhabitants on this planet. We would like the world to cater to us but we are not willing to compromise with it... We don't give Love unconditionally...we put expectations on Happiness... meaning we are not Happy as we are but we will be happy once we get(fill in the blank)...

Well I am allowing Luv to Rule my Life right now. I am no longer waiting to be Happy or smile for no reason. I am smiling right now and will continue to smile just because I am(fill in the blanks or Not)... I am smiling because God is Good...My Life is Great and I am Me...

There it is...

Humility vs. Playing Small

So I have this thing about being humble, not letting my head get to big for my britches as they say. In an effort to do this I've noticed that I would play small. If someone gave me a compliment or said something complimentary to me, instead of just simply saying Thank You, I would downplay my skills and talents. Sometimes it would almost get to the point where it was self-deprecating behavior on my part.

Yeah...

I was not really doing myself any justice and was probably really annoying... Life brings people in our Life to at times give us a glimpse of who we really are. And a while back I met an extremely talented person and I was giving them their props and the response was always kind of negative...then it dawned on me...

Whoa...

Did I sound like that?

Was I that annoying with my deflection of compliments?

Probably so! I have given up that a minute ago... and am truly confident in the Talents and Gifts that I've been Blessed with...

Flip side...

The first time I ever stepped into Agape they had a guest speaker... Bro Ishmael Tetteh, and the person who introduced him lavished him with all kinds of praise...so I was kind of excited to hear him... He said thank you to the person and then said everything she says is(brief pause) is true... So I was like Word? ... Then he goes on to explain that We are all created in the Image and Likeness of The Divine and it is impossible for us to be anything other than spectacular.

Hmmm...

It made much sense to me back then...still does, but now I am able and willing to not just understand what he means but Live it daily...

There is no need for me(or anyone reading this) to play small.

It serves no purpose...

Productivity

So, this week was for me one of my most productive weeks ever! I embraced my freedom to create and network. I am relishing my Life as it is right now. I Love being able to wake up in the morning and the only thing I have to do is create. Well that is the majority of my day, but you know what I mean...Anywho

Yes! I love my Life, It is great. I am no longer chasing money but pursuing my passions...

New Thought...

Today was an interesting day. I started out on cloud 9! I was ecstatic and happy ready for the beauty to continue to unfold. Then I got massively frustrated. Yeah, so I caught myself and had a conversation with God...realizing that my frustrations were a temporary thing and that I shouldn't allow it to know me out of my box, and it worked. I still had some frustration for the situation but I did not allow it to consume me to the point of anger.

I am not attempting to invalidate my emotions but instead process them check the situation and move on. To not harbor negative thoughts and emotions to the point that it has me becoming less than my Highest Self!

Yeah, all in all great things are happening! I am excited. Life is Grand...

A Glimpse

...My day was utterly amazing and inspiring and filled with mad creative energy!

Artistic freedom at its finest!

As I was driving home one thought kept popping up in my head

Actually two...

I love my Life

And

I'm pretty good...

I really do love my Life and am ecstatic over the way it is unfolding...

I am also incredibly inspired by the people that have come into my Life at many given points but right now the synchronicity is at a higher level than I have ever remembered before...

I am sure I am just more aware of it now because I am opening myself up to new experiences and being more amenable to change and such...

Yeah...

Life is Grand...

In Love and Possibilities ,

Mark

The Weirdness

Today was very much a weird day for me... I woke up with an anxiety attack of sorts... I have had this knotting up of some sort of tension happening in stomach for sometime now...

I think it is something trying to be worked out...

Could be growing pains....hmmmm

I am now seeking to look at things as a positive awakening and not the other shoe about to drop on something negative...

Calling into my existence the very things I want in my life, I am nervous right now...

I may have said this before...really have not gone back to reread to many of my blogs yet...

I will soon though...need to gauge my "progress"...

Oh yeah...so I really have no excuses right now as far as making my first short film...

I could use finances as an excuse, but honestly it would be a lame one at best...

I want it done so it can be done...

Having faith and praying as if it is already done...

But yeah... this morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach I laid there and allowed myself to just breathe...not force anything and make it out to be something bad happening but just dealt with it without judgment... did some heavy meditating and praying this morning because of it...
and watched my day unfold...connected with some old friends from home who are now moving out here... went to the library and got some more books on filmmaking..and just allowed my day to flow...

And here I am... knowing that something is happening right now for me, I am really attempting to not tinker with anything and just flow...just flow...I've never really done that before...and honestly I am having such a hard time with it right now, but it is what has to be done...I am learning the tools of the trade...I've planted the seeds now I must step back and not over water the soil...Yeah

Just let it grow...while I grow as well...

Allowing

One thing I noticed about about myself this weekend is that I do not let things flow... I am forever in a state of attempting to fix something... tweak this or solve that...very rarely allowing a plan to unfold... there are probably various reason for that...when something is new for me that sense of uncomfortableness happens and I feel that something is wrong...

For instance...

Sometimes when we get butterflies in the pit of our stomach or something of that nature... I always assume something is wrong not the other way around...

Yeah...

There is that expectation thing again...I am improving but I kind of expect things to collapse...even when I know deep in my heart they should not...I still walk with a sense of insecurity...

When you know better you do better...

This weekend was and is in a lot of ways something really different for me

So many things are popping up...giving me an opportunity to relapse into a slightly pessimistic doing just enough but not my all type cat...

But I know I want better for my Life...

Not in the future(well then too) but Now!

Now is when I am Being Happy

Now is when I am expressing My Joy

Now is when I am creating My Abundance

Now is when I am displaying My Gratitude

Now is when I am sharing My Gifts

Now is when I control My Life...the things I say and do...Can't do anything about the past...or future...

So Now let me embrace Me Now...

humor is a crutch

Sometimes...but I love it... I love to smile and laugh...

That was just a thought...

As I begin a new phase in my Life I have soooooo many questions about what I need or want this blog to be and be about...

How long should each entry be?

Should I make it more/less personal?

How often should I write?

Should I give my opinions on things that happen in our world?

Yeah, no...maybe...

Still really figuring it all out... I will more than likely just go with the flow...

Like we really need someone weighing in on the swine flu or Arlen Spector...

Right?

This is a spiritual quest or journey for me...

Not to find anything but to tap into what is or has been lying dormant for sometime...

ME...

There are no rules...not here anyway...

Living Life...

star-gazing...daydreaming

Reciting my Bliss...

I don't always appreciate how good my Life is right now...and the Freedoms that I have to just Be...

a beautiful place to reside in...if only I could reside their comfortably..,

I can...

It will just take some getting used to...

Allowing my plans to unfold...not tweak them every other day...

Trust...

Practice...

Live...

Take A Breath...

Whew!
So as I look back over the month of April, and the process of Change My Thoughts, Change My Life...I am pretty happy with the progress I've made...

It was far from perfect and I got extremely frustrated with myself at times, but I know I can continue the inner dialogue with myself about what I want my to be and more than ok with it...

I am in a position to actually shoot my first short film finally...I am proud that I didn't let the usual barriers that would impede my progress slow me down and yeah...

Actually I am pretty tired right now, I just did not want to end the month without for once in my Life patting myself on the back and saying:

Good job Mark... I am proud of you...

And So It Is...

A New Beginning

Happy...

Right!

I cam to the conclusion today that I am happy with my Life...Yessir

I have paid for creative freedom and freedom of expression and I have definitely had that over the last 6 months...

Would I like more financial freedom...Cewtainly, but I am happy today with where I am, who I am and what I am doing...

I am making a film...MY film...not going to make it, hoping to making it or probably making it

But yes I am making a film... that I wrote...that is uber exciting to me...

Yeah...

Plus I have been receiving and giving mad Love lately and Life is just amazing...

I got off track and lost focus, but God never did...

5 years and counting...

I am blessed and loving it...

5 years

Soooooo... It has been 5 years to the day that I have been a LA resident... and I am still here...whew!!!

I can honestly say this has been a grand experience for me... I've grown so much spiritually and artistically and have been able to really be able to think outside of my box...I've learned the art of committing to something and being a part of something that is much bigger than me...

Before I loved the idea of being a loner, but now I see that it is good to share my angst, fears and laughter and joy...I do not have to always isolate myself...

Don't get it twisted, tangled of hair-weaved...

I still treasure my ME time, but it is more out of choice than a forced feeling of no one gets me...

I get ME...

I love ME...

I appreciate Me...

I respect ME...

I embrace myself in my totality...

Yeah...funny how when I started blogging I hadn't quite thought about this being my anniversary month or anything like that...I just had to release the bond that was holding me still...keeping stagnant...impeding my spiritual development...but as I started this journey I realized that something bigger was going on in me... and I need to be ready to attach myself to it...

I am really looking forward to continuing to unfold, grow and expand my horizons...Yeah

WTF???

I am really annoyed right now...

With quite a few things but mainly at myself...

Not in a beat myself up I'm a bad person sort of annoyance, but in that I am better than my present circumstances so why am I dwelling on this negative shit type of way!

Yes, not better than the person(people) but the situation...there is a difference...

When you know better you have to do better...

I am staying on track...this has overall been an amazingly uplifting and eye-opening month for me!

The beginning of something truly phenomenal is unfolding and I have to allow it to do so, and stop interfering with myself...

Everyone will not display happiness or be supportive of me...nor should they be required to be...

Would be nice but hey... such is life man...

We all have our own agendas...

Mine is Love!

It is who I am...

Conversely I should accept people for who they are, especially when they tell(or show) me who they are....

To expect someone or something different is on me not them...

Just because I wanna change me doesn't mean I can or should try to change others...

The same things that'll make you laugh will make you cry...

We all need different things we are different Beings...

When I recognize something in myself I am eager to share, but the reality is everyone may not give a rat's ass about my growth(or theirs for that matter)

Can't force anything on anyone...

I surely know that I am not a fan of things being forced upon me...

Yeah...


Do I feel better?

Getting there...

Gimme The Loot, Gimme The Loot

Word!

So here I am trapped in my head once again...

It is different this time but in some ways similar...

I was going to write last night about my dysfunctional relationship with money, finances and that whole deal. Then I read a friends blog when I got home and it was so eerily similar to what I wanted to say that I just took that in and let it really marinate. Also since I've started blogging I've met so many people who could relate to my challenges in Life and what I went through (good and bad) to be where I am today...

"Michael Jackson was right we are not alone"...

As I roamed North Hollywood today seemingly stuck in my financial rut... I really didn't feel the normal sense of despair that I get when I am in this state of mind...


Kind of difficult to explain...

I've never been particularly good at saving or paying my bills on time or anything that didn't involve spending money...

And as I evolve into my artistic way of living I do believe I need to get over my fear of having (and keeping) money...

For so many years I bought into the money is evil way of thinking...and needing to struggle and all that jazz

But now I see it differently...

Just need to find a way to articulate it...and change that thought process now...

My lack of finances has caused a lot of inner turmoil with me...

Even when I had decent paying jobs I found ways to not keep money in my pocket which would lead to me beating up on myself and questioning my self-worth...

Now I am not questioning my worth at all, but I do need to move away from the consciousness of lack and limitation and think more abundantly...

Instead of working from the outside in I have to really get into a different state of mind...state of being...

Raise my level of expectations about myself being willing to give my all and expect the best that Life has to offer....

I am really not conveying my point...kind of feel I am half stepping and short changing myself as I right this...

I am partially distracted by a conversation I had with a friend today and I realize that we are moving in different directions in Life and that this is okay and all it to move away if that is where it is going...

Yeah...

Basically... I have had (past tense) an effed up relationship with money and now I need to grow embrace all the possibilities life has to offer and stop running from myself...

Ah yes...

That just struck a chord right there...I tend to duck and hide from head on confrontations with myself... put it on the back burner and allow it to just sit there...

Never really answered the questions I asked of myself...to afraid of the answer...

Hmmm...

Moving in Stillness

Soooooo...yeah

The last 2 or 3 or 4 days have not been as smooth as the first how many ever...

No Blame! It is what it is...(unless it is something different)

Yeah!

I am brought back to a conversation I had a while back while directing a play called The Meeting, it is an interesting play about a "hypothetical" meeting that takes place between Dr. Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Me and the two characters would have conversations all the time about the state of Black America...how it has changed and how it is the same and everything just to help flesh out the characters. One of the cats said one day that Black Folks would get better when we get soooo fed up with things as they are that we have to change...

That would play in my head from time to time but on a personal level...

I do not want to get so fed up with my Life that I "have" to change...

I want and need my change to continue to be voluntary...by choice and not necessity...

I love the idea of choosing and choice...It is a beautiful thing!

Life is a beautiful thing...

As I sat in this management office today realizing that these folks may not be who they said they were...my first thought was not again...

You know the thing that is kind of legitimate...we love you! We promise to work hard for you, but you gotta use our photographer...who in turn cost a grip...why can't I use mine? Well...blah blah blah blah...

Dude...their photographer is not nearly as dope as the photographers I know...

Anywho...came home and sulked for a second actually a few hours...but whatever...I will continue to move forward...I got over it. I am moving on to this upcoming week and looking forward to continuing to create and live freely...

In my perpetual need to be "doing" something I often forget to just stop and breathe... relax and be still... allow things to move through me instead of forcing things...

The difference between effort and struggle...

To be successful definitely takes an effort...

The difference is where am I putting my energy, and how am I using it...

I'm talking about practice... repetition

Reforming old things into new ways of looking at Life and MySelf...

I really do see a difference in me now...and am thankful for that...

I noticed just this morning I had not complained in weeks about the litany of things I usually vent about...and gave(giving) thanks for that

Yeah...

That was all over the place probably, I am not going to go back and double check it for I may change some things and I feel I just need to let it all go...

The real elephant in the living room for me though is the trepidation that engulfs me when I think about being in a committed relationship...

Kind of dramatic right? haha Clearly overexaggerating but you get the picture...

The idea of a relationship intrigues me and makes me nervous in the same breath...

I don't even know where or how to begin with that one...

I will flow into that at another date because it ties into the forcing things issue that I touched on earlier...

The Easy Way Out

Right now it would be sooooo easy for me to take the easy way out and not write...

To ignore what is going on with me these last 2 or 3 days and revert back to my guarded not let anyone know what is going on inside with me...

Today is when I need to do this most....

I am not perfect I get that and understand that oh to well...

But Still

It seems as if little things have really triggered some deep frustration with myself

The mechanic taking 5 hours with my car on a job that he said would take one...

Then it cost more than I anticipated...plus some other expenses came into play...

My frustration around money and me thinking that people are trying to get over bubbled to the surface and I really got angry for a minute (maybe 60)...

The Good News...it didn't manifest itself in the normal way, and I did not stop the affirmation process... I battled(am battling) through it... I am keeping the internal dialogue positive and uplifting...

I am in this to win...I did not like who I was in so many ways and I do not want to continue to be that way...

I am and was a good man...no doubt...I believe that to be very true...still change was and is needed

Trust was something that never really was instilled in me...

I can only remember trusting a selected few growing up and most of them were family members...

Something I blocked out and haven't really shared ever but... I was going to give an explanation but screw it...

At my mother's funeral, or somewhere in that time frame, someone stole some money from me and that really got to me in a profound way...

She was the one person I knew I could trust and once she was gone someone took advantage...

It was on...

I know everyone is not shady...I know... but it was a defense mechanism that gave me reason to be guarded...

Time to move on from that unfortunate situation...

Release it and trust in God, MySelf and the God with in Humanity...

I can do this...

The same way I can handle my dysfunctional relationship with money...

Dude... it is scary and I would be lying if I said I was not scared to try something new

"If you only keep doing what you did, you'll only keep getting what you got"

And what I got is just ok, and it is time to expand that...

Expand me...Elevate my Spirit, my Consciousness and my Life...

Even as I write this I feel "better"... I am willing to do the work...

The daily practice...Prayer and Affirmation...

Generous with my time and Energy...

Growth is wonderful...I look forward to this challenge...

Fear Masked

As something else! Presumably Faith...

Today was interesting as I was dealing with my car...

I had squeaking come from my brakes and I was kind of wanting to ignore it... So I said to myself...

I actually thought this...

That I have FAITH that nothing is wrong so I won't bother to get it checked out...

Yessir!

That is what I actually thought...then I realized that what it really was... it was a Fear that I would have major damage and would not have enough money to pay for it...

Again a running theme of my old thinking...that I won't have enough...

So I took it too get inspected and they said I need new brake pads and that I need to get them repaired soon or it would have been a lot more...

Had I let that irrational fear come into play then I would have been out of a lot more money... but I banished that fear... I knew that I needed to at least find out what the issue was so I could deal with it, and not deal with some vague idea of what I thought the issue would be. But I could be specific in my intentions because I knew exactly what was causing the squeaking...

The Heat!

Well today was a kind of really low-key day. I had grand ideas but the heat kind of curtailed some of them. But here I am confessing my desire to eliminate the negative chatter than clouds my brain. Today with the extreme heat I felt a little more frustrated than I have over the last 3 weeks.

NO EXCUSES!

Just observing my interaction with drivers and all that good stuff, really I don't have any real add on developments that came to me(or are coming to me)...

I wanna keep in the habit of writing and also consistency has been one of my major issues...

Fear of Something(success? failure? all of the above?)

Consistency on how I approach myself and my dealings with things that I say I care about...

I will head to the beach tomorrow and do my work there if this heat is as harsh tomorrow...

I have to keep creating and developing my Art...

Well I am not gonna keep boring myself...It is HOT!

Guilt

Is a crippling force for me! I have used guilt as an excuse as well...

I have felt guilty for anything and everything...

I imagine and create scenarios where people will hate me if I say no...so intern I've said yes to things and situations that do not benefit my growth as a person...

It was limiting to say the least...

I have to get in the habit of writing these thoughts and ideas in the past tense so I do not own them as my present...

Freedom!

From the things that bound me to my mediocre existence...

This comes up as I was sitting here again about to berate myself internally and create inner conflict where none needed to be or actually even existed...

See I have a creative mind and I created unnecessary drama in my life by creating conflicts that were never there...

I lived for it...it allowed me to keep my distance from people...to alienate myself...to justify me keeping my guard up and protecting myself from some hurt that never ever existed...

No judgments just observations...

Feels good...to just observe with no preconceived notion or idea attached to it...free-styling...free-flowing...free-willing...


Willing to Be Free!

Don't Be Scurred

So much is happening internally with me right now...

I am so tempted to regress...Yeah that fear of the unknown...

I have never had to live without crutches, training wheels or some other excuses based consciousness to hold me up(actually down)...

So what do I do now that I am holding myself accountable and my truest intentions are Success, Harmony, Peace, Abundance, and Love?

Huh?

Yeah how will I live with no more excuses or reasons to fail...

How can I justify not reading, meditating and praying daily...?

How can I now avoid the affirmations that have given me strength and guidance through this process?

How can nix the Positive Thinking that has done me so good these last 19 days?

Yo these are thoughts that attempted to creep into my head this evening, and I was tripping over it!

For a couple of reasons really:

1. I almost bought it
2. I started to realize that I had no plan for a new way of thinking really...what would it be like? What were my expectations? Do I have to justify it to others? etc.

I realized again that I think too much and need to really live in this moment right now and allow the next moments to come(and go) organically...

Life is a Process and I can only control this moment right in front of me...

Which brings me to another point... Like does indeed attract Like...

As I have begun the process of changing my thoughts things have been introduced to me to let me know I am walking MY correct path.

Synergy!

Today there was not a more clear example than the Message that Rev. Charles delivered at Ahiah in Pasadena...

The topic was A New Way Of Life...Wooooow!

And I truly felt that this message on this day was directed at me, and indeed I was listening and taking it all in... I will get the CD this week, to really get into it some more but I was inspired and invigorated when I left today...

I like this thing called consistency... I thought that as an artist I had to shy away from it but it is clear to me now that that is how my art will grow, breathe and have a life of it own in a sense...


Yup! I am enjoying this journey and Loving my new outlook on things

Out of my Mind

Is where I have to get! My heart! I truly believe the answers lie there, but I have been such an over-thinker that I allow opportunities to pass me by because I think too much on it...

Actually I am probably a cat of extremes...I either over think something or make a rash choice, either way I end up on the short end of the stick...

My goal in that is to balance it out...pray and meditate then move accordingly... do not stress and agonize over the things that in my mind should come so much easier for me.

Let it be... let it be...

Trust in the things that I claim to believe in and know that it has never let me down before...

Today was a roller coaster ride of emotions which in essence was cool... just sometimes you wanna "help" someone see something so badly that you then take on their burden which in actuality does not help either one of us...

We have to let others learn just as we have to learn from experience(as long it isn't life threatening of course)...

But anyway... Trust that the answers are already lying within me I just have to able to allow them to flow out of me...

Self-Worth

Why do we tie our worthiness to other people, things or ideas?

This is something I talked about earlier, that as an artist if I talk about my day with other non creative type people at times they can make it seem as if I am just wasting my day and/or Life...

This attitude keeps(kept) trickling into my consciousness and I have believed that I am not worthy because I am not "doing" something for someone else...or that I don't have a "tangible" product done everyday after 5pm...

A lot of this is now has become my own internal struggle that I have with myself now... I've allowed side comments and other remarks curtail my forward progress and slow me down with second guessing of myself and my purpose here.

I deny my possibilities...

I create a world rooted in only what I can see and creatively that hampers me. I keep running back to that comfortable place of insecurity masked as security and more feelings of inadequacy...

It becomes a perpetual cycle of never-ending doubt and denial of my true Self... Yep!

A Rut...

As I recognize this I can now move forward and deal with it... Honestly and deliberately... Moving past the past and on to a brighter Now!

The future is cool, but I am rooted in having a better Now... which leads to a better tomorrow...

On and On

Wow... I didn't get to post a blog yesterday, but it was a totally amazing day... The energy I was receiving and actually giving as well was phenomenal... I am beginning to see that I am not alone in this journey of mine... I am also realizing that for me the struggle that I was encountering was in large part self-inflicted...

The seeds of doubt...

Can be a powerful thing if you allow enough water to sprinkle on them... this evening that almost happened to me, but I am keeping that internal dialogue moving forward...

I appreciate ME!

Funny how fragile the psyche can be, if we are not aware of the things we allow to meander into our thoughts about ourselves...

I am inadequate! Which was something I felt for a looooong time... Now I know this to not be a true statement or (even more important) feeling to have...

I am more than worthy...

This has not been easy for me...it would be oh so much easier to just stay in that comfort zone of mediocrity not quite having enough but having a little bit more than nothing...

I could easily keep complaining while taking absolutely no steps to correct the things I complain about...Naw that is no longer an option

Hmmm....

There is something else that is longing to come out...to express itself through me...

Really can't pinpoint it or can I and am just afraid to explore it more...

I still feel like I am forcing issues again... in certain areas... Trying to make things fit where there is not compatibility at all...

I guess I am talking about my desire to be in a relationship...

*gasp*

Yeah... I am all over the place with that one...even as I claim to have set my intentions on the type of relationship I desire and that is healthy for me...

My actions are not coinciding with that intention...

I have refrained from really making known that I do want this...I dunno... fear of having to depend on someone and even more frightening them to have to depend on me... I have been a soloist my whole life practically...

Not seeing very many successful and healthy relationships and all that has had me doubting whether I am capable...

Fear over how I handle money has also crippled my assertiveness in that area...

The first step is being honest with me about what it is I am looking for in a woman...and being clear as well on the positives that I bring with me, and moving(living, acting) from that place...

Yeah...

all that being said... I am really happy with the dialogue I now have with myself... I am happy that I finally begun the process and am extremely happy to watch it unfold...

The Process

It really is a constant reshaping and reforming of the thinking process. The eagerness to get out there and "show the world" can be detrimental to the growth and development. I am feeling good overall, yesterday was amazing with my constant affirmations and really digging into me to really think positively and uplift my thoughts. That may have been a run-on sentence, but anyway... yeah today overall was a pretty good day, but in my efforts to share the amazingness of yesterday... I lost the things that made it so good. I have to lead by example and not words... show the manifestations of my beliefs and not just rap about it... also I have to be more consistent with me. I got some incredible feedback finally on my scripts, I used that as an excuse to not move forward with them.... I drew a little today and worked on some music... I am in need of some me time and this was good. I am still figuring out my next move on the financial front, but I am confident it is falling into place and I am accepting the pace at which I am moving with it. I really do feel the growth these past few weeks and I am ready to continue that growth the repeated practice and application of the things I know to be true...

????

I be having heavy bouts with myself...battling between the things I say and the things I do.

They don't always coincide...

Today I have been having deep anxiety happening with me, i feel like something is missing in this...day, quest or whatever...I have not been able to pinpoint the source of my uneasiness

Gotta meditate on it...

It seems like whenever I make progress in examining the issues that are racking my brain and keeping me stagnant something happens and I stand still... I forget it or get frustrated and then abandon my practice. I am not ready to do that this time. I am seeking that wellness internally that will free me of the limiting circumstances that I often find myself in.

The fear of not having enough has been popping up these last 2 days as well... Moving with fear that I can't afford things. That I cannot provide for myself and all that other jazz that permeates through my consciousness from time to time. Actually more than just time to time... It is a weekly if not daily occurence. I have a unreliable relationship with money. It is one thing, maybe the most important, that I must improve on. I cannot will not and should not walk around with that big weight on my shoulder.

It is very debilitating...

It has a lot to do with my sometimes lack of faith in my own abilities... I seek acceptance from others in lieu of me accepting me.

I put more weight on the opinions of others about me than I put on my own opinion about myself

I have to walk in faith that I am more than capable and that I believe that I can do what I set out to do without the "blessings" of other to validate my self worth...

This journey has been a blessing for me.. the best therapy I have had in sometime...

No time to stop now... I have to move forward and map out my own destiny

Figuring it Out!

Word!

So I sits down at the computer every night with some grandiose things that I will write about...then I sits down and boom!

Nuthin'...

Well something always comes out but it never seems as profound I intend it... Then I ask myself...

Is that my purpose of doing this?

Am I here to impress people or really move towards a better way of Thinking, Living and Being in this world?

Hmmm...

I already know the answer to that one... This is not a competition to see how profound and dope I can be...

Nope!

It is me revealing my journey and growing into myself(whatever that really means)

Seek Ye First The Kingdom Of God...

Is something that I have been repeating this week, whenever I feel conflict or an uneasiness coming up within me...making sure my choices are rooted in the Divine and are coming from a place of Love...

Not just me being me and reacting and/or overreacting to a situation that would usually get me off my course...

I know that I am moving towards something really important and that timing is everything...and this journey and change of thought is happening for a deeper reason than even I am understanding at this point...

I think it is cool that I am receptive to it as well...

Consistency is the key for me... and practice... to not get so comfortable that I slack off and re institute my "bad" habits again...

Keep It Moving...

Onward and Upward

One Week

I have been attempting to not be repetitive in my writing these blogs but sometimes the cure is in the repetition...

The replaying over and over again of the things you know to be true... Saying it, living it until it becomes second nature.. just as the "bad" habits I possessed before were second nature to me...

Today a lot of what was around me and calling me dealt with surrender, forgiveness and allowing... Things I am not the best at when it comes to me, I mean I can give whole lectures to folks about letting go and looking for the positives

Me doing it!

Very different story... Until now...

I am allowing my self to be free to own my own Joy, Peace, Harmony, Love...

I am doing so right now... I am and have been changing that dialogue from what will go wrong in my life to what is right and expecting it to stay so...


Yeah, I rarely believed that I could have successions of great things happen to me without a shoe dropping to bring me back to "reality"...

Self-fulfilling Prophecy at its best!

I expected Life to bring me back to Earth and it did every time.. I imagined and created conflicts internally that manifested themselves in my Life in one form or another...I created an imaginary distrust that I thought people had for me...This helped me have reasons not to get too close

I thought people would think less of me for the slightest reasons and replayed those reasons until they became MY truth...

I Accept Me!

I Appreciate Me!

I Celebrate Me!

I Love Me!

My anthem is playing... Every Hero needs a Theme Song!

Mine right now is A Change Is Gonna Come!

It feels great!

And So It Is!

Hmmm.... today...

Was pretty uneventful in terms of something that "happened"

I felt more in control of my thought process today... strange... I don't feel that I just went through the motions, but I don't feel I had anything to account for...

I dunno...

I am happy to be taking l steps forward...usually if something is going right I try to rush or change my habits back to what they were before. Thinking I may not really need to be helped at all or that I got this on my own...

Practice...

I know that I must go deeper as it get more comfortable... not just for the sake of being uncomfortable, but to really know who I am and why I am...

I am progressing and not judging is as big or small really just steps in the direction of my destiny and true awareness...sounded kind of dramatic but hey...it is how I see it...

Check Engine Light

Well today my check engine light came on, so I took it to the mechanic in usual Mark fashion expecting the worse. I got home as I waited for the mechanic to call me and tell me I owed him blah blah blah dollars and then I caught myself... Change My Thoughts, Change My Life... I paused reset my emotions and my thinking... Low & Behold it was nothing they reset something checked out some others and told me my car is fine...

I got to thinking I am always internally setting of my own check engine light when there is nothing seemingly wrong. I create dilemmas, confusion and conflict where none exist and then I play out the drama as if it were a real situation...

Crazy I know....

So yeah... I am a believer in the Law Of Attraction ever since I read this book called Your Life: Why It Is The Way It Is And What You Can Do About IT... Long a$ title I know but it dealt with all the Universal Laws that I believe govern out existence on this planet. I say that to say... I am releasing all of that to get to the healing, the growing and the expanding of my mind, heart and soul...

The thing about putting my guard up is that no one or thing gets in, but nothing gets out as well.

So I am letting it out...opening up to receive(and give) the fabulousness(made up word) that is out there...

I have had a hard time saying this in the pass because I didn't know what it really meant and I thought I was being selfish for even thinking it, but I DESERVE THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER!

I will say it again...

I DESERVE THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER!

one more time...

I DESERVE THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER!

Yeah... no explanation needed...

So as I sit here waiting for the mechanic to call and tell me why my check engine light is coming on, I realized that there are a lot of signs happening in my life if I would just pay attention. I give way too much attention to what I don't have, what I need to still do and how many bills I have. If things are going "too well" I wait for something bad to happen, and I haven't up until this point appreciated the moment that is in front of me. I read a magazine called Science Of Mind, it is a spiritual magazine and in it they have a daily guide that give you an affirmation and story with some spiritual passages. Well this month the theme has been very much on point with where I am going in my Life. I have to stop saying things like trying to go or trying to do, and be more decisive and affirmative in my language with myself. I cannot allow the doubt to linger to long in psyche. It has been crazily detrimental in my growth and development a Man.

Right Now...

Today, I am glad that I am starting to make progress

I am patient about it as well, but I do have a sense of urgency to tear away these layers that have blocked my creative growth and stagnated my living freely...

It isn't a competition... with me and someone who may have the "lifestyle" I am moving towards... I have to be humble enough to find out their path and be genuinely happy for them. Not resentful wishing it was me instead of them, but let them have theirs and will carve out mine.

Yeah... I can be overly competitive

Time to let that go...

Um...

So yesterday I took a hiatus mainly because I was coming down with some cold like symptoms... should not have let that deter me but whatever... it did. So anyway, I been really looking at my thought patterns the toxicity that exists in them and the whole like attracts like theories... I've had plenty of opportunities to get into conflict these last few days, but I've taken a different approach to it all. I've sat back and asked myself, which part of me is like that? Not necessarily identical in action but similar in experience. Again I am still in the asking phase because that is where the growth comes, asking and exploring... Seeking the answer instead of just going with the first thought or or most convenient remedy...

So here I am filled with many questions... Exploring what has made me me for all these years and what is conducive for growth and productivity and what is not... The one thing that I do know is that I have to stop judging myself so harshly and be more assertive in my pursuits of my passion...that is two things but whatever... I have to allow myself to breathe and not take each and everything so personally...

If I Could Just...

I start off a lot of my thoughts with that phrase....

If I could just get 10,000 things would be better...

If I could just get these auditions then I could pay off my bills...

If I could just get rid of some of these bills I would be able to focus more on my craft

If I could just.... Yeah a perpetual cycle never leading out of itself...

It becomes a frustrating task when lack is the place that I operate from, I have read the books but putting it all into practice has been a problem.

Man...we talkin' bout Practice!

I don't practice the principles that govern my Life(or at least that I say do) on a regular basis...

I am very wishy washy when it comes to meditation and even to be honest prayer on some days(maybe even most days)

Recognition is the key in all of this...not seeking approval or pats on the back or kicks in the rear for that matter... this is just me being honest with me about me...

Progress!

Maybe...I believe so...

I am changing the inner dialogue that I have with myself now. It hasn't been easy, but it has most definitely been necessary. I like it.

The Urge

So I am having this urge to not write. To not express what has been happening to me today... It is something that happens to me A LOT. I get complacent feel like now would be a good time to take that break! Yeah... then a 10 minute break turns into a 2 hour hiatus! Inspiration gone...just like that...

Where to begin...hmmm don't really know

Been taking an inventory of how I think today as well as what I am thinking about... I get annoyed with people pretty damn easily... In traffic at cross walks etc. for no apparent reason either... When I caught myself doing it...I just said my mantra Change My Thoughts, Change My Life....

I know it is only day two but I am taking this seriously!

AS AN ARTIST I HAVE FAILED MYSELF...

That is not to say I have not done work that I am proud of, but I have been approaching my pursuit of it with a blue collar mentality

Nothing wrong with that right? No not at all ...as long as you are working or pursuing blue collar career...

My point is that I would act as if I could only be productive for an 8 hour stretch of the day...If I was not productive early in the morning my day was a total waste and that I had to be doing something for someone else for it to mean anything...Right???

Seriously...has been my line of thinking...I've been so hell bent on being "balanced" that I didn't realize I was so far away from having a truly creative mindset...

The remedy???

Haven't gotten that far with it yet... I am still delving into that part of my Soul that aches to be truly free... Unfolding and releasing the layers that have been built up over time masquerading as me but really just a vague idea or perception I reenact time and time again...

In other words... I have been hiding behind mediocrity doing just enough to say I am doing it, but not nearly enough to bring me the gratification I truly want from my art...

These blogs are a start... even now I have the urge to dig deeper... to keep reaching to not stop when it get uncomfortable...to expose my vulnerabilities until the point where they become assets...

Hmmm.... don't really know what to write at this point... It is something now that I know is out there for me to adjust and shift...

State of Self-Being

Be Grateful
Be Fearless
Be Love
bE Gentle
Be Firm
Be Confident
Be Humble
Be Gracious
Be Joyful
Be Prosperous
Be Honest
Be Creative
Be Open
Be Clear
Be Wise
Be Strong
Be Still
Be Hope
Be Great
Be Compassion
Be More
Be Sincere
Be Courageous
Be Present
Be Able
Be Happy
Be Forgiving
Be Self(less)(ish)
Be Smart
Be Silent
Be Informed
Be Miraculous
Be Divine
Be Me

Be Content to SimplY Be

Changing my Thoughts, Changing my Life

So as I sit here on the 1st day of April thinking about my life....the Good...The Great...The not so Great and the quite honestly the bad. I'm realizing that some serious and much needed changes are needed...
I AM A GUARDED INDIVIDUAL!!!!!!

I protect my feelings, my Art, and my Life from a majority of people...MYSELF INCLUDED... I have a fear of letting go and/or letting too many people in...Yeah

I realized that this morning as I got ready for meditation... that even though I am truly happy with my Life there is room for major improvements! Starting with relationships...my relationship with money is a major factor...during this same sit down the word poverty kept creeping back into my consciousness...hmmm... I realized I am guarded about money to... whether it is earning, saving, spending or whatever... I have a fickled relationship with it. Right! Changes!

So I am thinking, where do I start? What am I changing? What does that really mean? Overall I know I am a "positive" person, but something for me right now ain't clicking. So I honestly had no clue right then and quite honestly I am just freestyling sort of right now...that being said the phrase change your thoughts change your life popped up in my head...Never read the book, but listen to Wayne Dyer quite often and really enjoy and respect his "take" on things... then I started to think about the month of April...I have been plotting out my intentions for this month and what I am going to accomplish, and I came up with the thought of giving each month a theme...that's right a theme... So this month is Change My Thoughts, Change My Life.

Sooooo....

The first change is to put my works and ideas out there... to get feedback...to listen and take in seriously the suggestions that I receive...to not consider constructive criticism haterisms and all that Jazz...Yeah... It is starting with this blog...right now...Yeah...pushing back the thoughts that my ideas thoughts and whatnot are stupid or just plain inadequate

I know better...

Now I need to do better...

and Live better

My sharing is beginning now...with me... to me... about me

I am moving forward...

Changing

Evolving

Living

A much improved Life

I Love Love Love My Life

Just a recognition that it could be so much more fruitful if I just embrace ME and the gifts I have to offer ME...