Take A Breath...

Whew!
So as I look back over the month of April, and the process of Change My Thoughts, Change My Life...I am pretty happy with the progress I've made...

It was far from perfect and I got extremely frustrated with myself at times, but I know I can continue the inner dialogue with myself about what I want my to be and more than ok with it...

I am in a position to actually shoot my first short film finally...I am proud that I didn't let the usual barriers that would impede my progress slow me down and yeah...

Actually I am pretty tired right now, I just did not want to end the month without for once in my Life patting myself on the back and saying:

Good job Mark... I am proud of you...

And So It Is...

A New Beginning

Happy...

Right!

I cam to the conclusion today that I am happy with my Life...Yessir

I have paid for creative freedom and freedom of expression and I have definitely had that over the last 6 months...

Would I like more financial freedom...Cewtainly, but I am happy today with where I am, who I am and what I am doing...

I am making a film...MY film...not going to make it, hoping to making it or probably making it

But yes I am making a film... that I wrote...that is uber exciting to me...

Yeah...

Plus I have been receiving and giving mad Love lately and Life is just amazing...

I got off track and lost focus, but God never did...

5 years and counting...

I am blessed and loving it...

5 years

Soooooo... It has been 5 years to the day that I have been a LA resident... and I am still here...whew!!!

I can honestly say this has been a grand experience for me... I've grown so much spiritually and artistically and have been able to really be able to think outside of my box...I've learned the art of committing to something and being a part of something that is much bigger than me...

Before I loved the idea of being a loner, but now I see that it is good to share my angst, fears and laughter and joy...I do not have to always isolate myself...

Don't get it twisted, tangled of hair-weaved...

I still treasure my ME time, but it is more out of choice than a forced feeling of no one gets me...

I get ME...

I love ME...

I appreciate Me...

I respect ME...

I embrace myself in my totality...

Yeah...funny how when I started blogging I hadn't quite thought about this being my anniversary month or anything like that...I just had to release the bond that was holding me still...keeping stagnant...impeding my spiritual development...but as I started this journey I realized that something bigger was going on in me... and I need to be ready to attach myself to it...

I am really looking forward to continuing to unfold, grow and expand my horizons...Yeah

WTF???

I am really annoyed right now...

With quite a few things but mainly at myself...

Not in a beat myself up I'm a bad person sort of annoyance, but in that I am better than my present circumstances so why am I dwelling on this negative shit type of way!

Yes, not better than the person(people) but the situation...there is a difference...

When you know better you have to do better...

I am staying on track...this has overall been an amazingly uplifting and eye-opening month for me!

The beginning of something truly phenomenal is unfolding and I have to allow it to do so, and stop interfering with myself...

Everyone will not display happiness or be supportive of me...nor should they be required to be...

Would be nice but hey... such is life man...

We all have our own agendas...

Mine is Love!

It is who I am...

Conversely I should accept people for who they are, especially when they tell(or show) me who they are....

To expect someone or something different is on me not them...

Just because I wanna change me doesn't mean I can or should try to change others...

The same things that'll make you laugh will make you cry...

We all need different things we are different Beings...

When I recognize something in myself I am eager to share, but the reality is everyone may not give a rat's ass about my growth(or theirs for that matter)

Can't force anything on anyone...

I surely know that I am not a fan of things being forced upon me...

Yeah...


Do I feel better?

Getting there...

Gimme The Loot, Gimme The Loot

Word!

So here I am trapped in my head once again...

It is different this time but in some ways similar...

I was going to write last night about my dysfunctional relationship with money, finances and that whole deal. Then I read a friends blog when I got home and it was so eerily similar to what I wanted to say that I just took that in and let it really marinate. Also since I've started blogging I've met so many people who could relate to my challenges in Life and what I went through (good and bad) to be where I am today...

"Michael Jackson was right we are not alone"...

As I roamed North Hollywood today seemingly stuck in my financial rut... I really didn't feel the normal sense of despair that I get when I am in this state of mind...


Kind of difficult to explain...

I've never been particularly good at saving or paying my bills on time or anything that didn't involve spending money...

And as I evolve into my artistic way of living I do believe I need to get over my fear of having (and keeping) money...

For so many years I bought into the money is evil way of thinking...and needing to struggle and all that jazz

But now I see it differently...

Just need to find a way to articulate it...and change that thought process now...

My lack of finances has caused a lot of inner turmoil with me...

Even when I had decent paying jobs I found ways to not keep money in my pocket which would lead to me beating up on myself and questioning my self-worth...

Now I am not questioning my worth at all, but I do need to move away from the consciousness of lack and limitation and think more abundantly...

Instead of working from the outside in I have to really get into a different state of mind...state of being...

Raise my level of expectations about myself being willing to give my all and expect the best that Life has to offer....

I am really not conveying my point...kind of feel I am half stepping and short changing myself as I right this...

I am partially distracted by a conversation I had with a friend today and I realize that we are moving in different directions in Life and that this is okay and all it to move away if that is where it is going...

Yeah...

Basically... I have had (past tense) an effed up relationship with money and now I need to grow embrace all the possibilities life has to offer and stop running from myself...

Ah yes...

That just struck a chord right there...I tend to duck and hide from head on confrontations with myself... put it on the back burner and allow it to just sit there...

Never really answered the questions I asked of myself...to afraid of the answer...

Hmmm...

Moving in Stillness

Soooooo...yeah

The last 2 or 3 or 4 days have not been as smooth as the first how many ever...

No Blame! It is what it is...(unless it is something different)

Yeah!

I am brought back to a conversation I had a while back while directing a play called The Meeting, it is an interesting play about a "hypothetical" meeting that takes place between Dr. Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Me and the two characters would have conversations all the time about the state of Black America...how it has changed and how it is the same and everything just to help flesh out the characters. One of the cats said one day that Black Folks would get better when we get soooo fed up with things as they are that we have to change...

That would play in my head from time to time but on a personal level...

I do not want to get so fed up with my Life that I "have" to change...

I want and need my change to continue to be voluntary...by choice and not necessity...

I love the idea of choosing and choice...It is a beautiful thing!

Life is a beautiful thing...

As I sat in this management office today realizing that these folks may not be who they said they were...my first thought was not again...

You know the thing that is kind of legitimate...we love you! We promise to work hard for you, but you gotta use our photographer...who in turn cost a grip...why can't I use mine? Well...blah blah blah blah...

Dude...their photographer is not nearly as dope as the photographers I know...

Anywho...came home and sulked for a second actually a few hours...but whatever...I will continue to move forward...I got over it. I am moving on to this upcoming week and looking forward to continuing to create and live freely...

In my perpetual need to be "doing" something I often forget to just stop and breathe... relax and be still... allow things to move through me instead of forcing things...

The difference between effort and struggle...

To be successful definitely takes an effort...

The difference is where am I putting my energy, and how am I using it...

I'm talking about practice... repetition

Reforming old things into new ways of looking at Life and MySelf...

I really do see a difference in me now...and am thankful for that...

I noticed just this morning I had not complained in weeks about the litany of things I usually vent about...and gave(giving) thanks for that

Yeah...

That was all over the place probably, I am not going to go back and double check it for I may change some things and I feel I just need to let it all go...

The real elephant in the living room for me though is the trepidation that engulfs me when I think about being in a committed relationship...

Kind of dramatic right? haha Clearly overexaggerating but you get the picture...

The idea of a relationship intrigues me and makes me nervous in the same breath...

I don't even know where or how to begin with that one...

I will flow into that at another date because it ties into the forcing things issue that I touched on earlier...

The Easy Way Out

Right now it would be sooooo easy for me to take the easy way out and not write...

To ignore what is going on with me these last 2 or 3 days and revert back to my guarded not let anyone know what is going on inside with me...

Today is when I need to do this most....

I am not perfect I get that and understand that oh to well...

But Still

It seems as if little things have really triggered some deep frustration with myself

The mechanic taking 5 hours with my car on a job that he said would take one...

Then it cost more than I anticipated...plus some other expenses came into play...

My frustration around money and me thinking that people are trying to get over bubbled to the surface and I really got angry for a minute (maybe 60)...

The Good News...it didn't manifest itself in the normal way, and I did not stop the affirmation process... I battled(am battling) through it... I am keeping the internal dialogue positive and uplifting...

I am in this to win...I did not like who I was in so many ways and I do not want to continue to be that way...

I am and was a good man...no doubt...I believe that to be very true...still change was and is needed

Trust was something that never really was instilled in me...

I can only remember trusting a selected few growing up and most of them were family members...

Something I blocked out and haven't really shared ever but... I was going to give an explanation but screw it...

At my mother's funeral, or somewhere in that time frame, someone stole some money from me and that really got to me in a profound way...

She was the one person I knew I could trust and once she was gone someone took advantage...

It was on...

I know everyone is not shady...I know... but it was a defense mechanism that gave me reason to be guarded...

Time to move on from that unfortunate situation...

Release it and trust in God, MySelf and the God with in Humanity...

I can do this...

The same way I can handle my dysfunctional relationship with money...

Dude... it is scary and I would be lying if I said I was not scared to try something new

"If you only keep doing what you did, you'll only keep getting what you got"

And what I got is just ok, and it is time to expand that...

Expand me...Elevate my Spirit, my Consciousness and my Life...

Even as I write this I feel "better"... I am willing to do the work...

The daily practice...Prayer and Affirmation...

Generous with my time and Energy...

Growth is wonderful...I look forward to this challenge...

Fear Masked

As something else! Presumably Faith...

Today was interesting as I was dealing with my car...

I had squeaking come from my brakes and I was kind of wanting to ignore it... So I said to myself...

I actually thought this...

That I have FAITH that nothing is wrong so I won't bother to get it checked out...

Yessir!

That is what I actually thought...then I realized that what it really was... it was a Fear that I would have major damage and would not have enough money to pay for it...

Again a running theme of my old thinking...that I won't have enough...

So I took it too get inspected and they said I need new brake pads and that I need to get them repaired soon or it would have been a lot more...

Had I let that irrational fear come into play then I would have been out of a lot more money... but I banished that fear... I knew that I needed to at least find out what the issue was so I could deal with it, and not deal with some vague idea of what I thought the issue would be. But I could be specific in my intentions because I knew exactly what was causing the squeaking...

The Heat!

Well today was a kind of really low-key day. I had grand ideas but the heat kind of curtailed some of them. But here I am confessing my desire to eliminate the negative chatter than clouds my brain. Today with the extreme heat I felt a little more frustrated than I have over the last 3 weeks.

NO EXCUSES!

Just observing my interaction with drivers and all that good stuff, really I don't have any real add on developments that came to me(or are coming to me)...

I wanna keep in the habit of writing and also consistency has been one of my major issues...

Fear of Something(success? failure? all of the above?)

Consistency on how I approach myself and my dealings with things that I say I care about...

I will head to the beach tomorrow and do my work there if this heat is as harsh tomorrow...

I have to keep creating and developing my Art...

Well I am not gonna keep boring myself...It is HOT!

Guilt

Is a crippling force for me! I have used guilt as an excuse as well...

I have felt guilty for anything and everything...

I imagine and create scenarios where people will hate me if I say no...so intern I've said yes to things and situations that do not benefit my growth as a person...

It was limiting to say the least...

I have to get in the habit of writing these thoughts and ideas in the past tense so I do not own them as my present...

Freedom!

From the things that bound me to my mediocre existence...

This comes up as I was sitting here again about to berate myself internally and create inner conflict where none needed to be or actually even existed...

See I have a creative mind and I created unnecessary drama in my life by creating conflicts that were never there...

I lived for it...it allowed me to keep my distance from people...to alienate myself...to justify me keeping my guard up and protecting myself from some hurt that never ever existed...

No judgments just observations...

Feels good...to just observe with no preconceived notion or idea attached to it...free-styling...free-flowing...free-willing...


Willing to Be Free!

Don't Be Scurred

So much is happening internally with me right now...

I am so tempted to regress...Yeah that fear of the unknown...

I have never had to live without crutches, training wheels or some other excuses based consciousness to hold me up(actually down)...

So what do I do now that I am holding myself accountable and my truest intentions are Success, Harmony, Peace, Abundance, and Love?

Huh?

Yeah how will I live with no more excuses or reasons to fail...

How can I justify not reading, meditating and praying daily...?

How can I now avoid the affirmations that have given me strength and guidance through this process?

How can nix the Positive Thinking that has done me so good these last 19 days?

Yo these are thoughts that attempted to creep into my head this evening, and I was tripping over it!

For a couple of reasons really:

1. I almost bought it
2. I started to realize that I had no plan for a new way of thinking really...what would it be like? What were my expectations? Do I have to justify it to others? etc.

I realized again that I think too much and need to really live in this moment right now and allow the next moments to come(and go) organically...

Life is a Process and I can only control this moment right in front of me...

Which brings me to another point... Like does indeed attract Like...

As I have begun the process of changing my thoughts things have been introduced to me to let me know I am walking MY correct path.

Synergy!

Today there was not a more clear example than the Message that Rev. Charles delivered at Ahiah in Pasadena...

The topic was A New Way Of Life...Wooooow!

And I truly felt that this message on this day was directed at me, and indeed I was listening and taking it all in... I will get the CD this week, to really get into it some more but I was inspired and invigorated when I left today...

I like this thing called consistency... I thought that as an artist I had to shy away from it but it is clear to me now that that is how my art will grow, breathe and have a life of it own in a sense...


Yup! I am enjoying this journey and Loving my new outlook on things

Out of my Mind

Is where I have to get! My heart! I truly believe the answers lie there, but I have been such an over-thinker that I allow opportunities to pass me by because I think too much on it...

Actually I am probably a cat of extremes...I either over think something or make a rash choice, either way I end up on the short end of the stick...

My goal in that is to balance it out...pray and meditate then move accordingly... do not stress and agonize over the things that in my mind should come so much easier for me.

Let it be... let it be...

Trust in the things that I claim to believe in and know that it has never let me down before...

Today was a roller coaster ride of emotions which in essence was cool... just sometimes you wanna "help" someone see something so badly that you then take on their burden which in actuality does not help either one of us...

We have to let others learn just as we have to learn from experience(as long it isn't life threatening of course)...

But anyway... Trust that the answers are already lying within me I just have to able to allow them to flow out of me...

Self-Worth

Why do we tie our worthiness to other people, things or ideas?

This is something I talked about earlier, that as an artist if I talk about my day with other non creative type people at times they can make it seem as if I am just wasting my day and/or Life...

This attitude keeps(kept) trickling into my consciousness and I have believed that I am not worthy because I am not "doing" something for someone else...or that I don't have a "tangible" product done everyday after 5pm...

A lot of this is now has become my own internal struggle that I have with myself now... I've allowed side comments and other remarks curtail my forward progress and slow me down with second guessing of myself and my purpose here.

I deny my possibilities...

I create a world rooted in only what I can see and creatively that hampers me. I keep running back to that comfortable place of insecurity masked as security and more feelings of inadequacy...

It becomes a perpetual cycle of never-ending doubt and denial of my true Self... Yep!

A Rut...

As I recognize this I can now move forward and deal with it... Honestly and deliberately... Moving past the past and on to a brighter Now!

The future is cool, but I am rooted in having a better Now... which leads to a better tomorrow...

On and On

Wow... I didn't get to post a blog yesterday, but it was a totally amazing day... The energy I was receiving and actually giving as well was phenomenal... I am beginning to see that I am not alone in this journey of mine... I am also realizing that for me the struggle that I was encountering was in large part self-inflicted...

The seeds of doubt...

Can be a powerful thing if you allow enough water to sprinkle on them... this evening that almost happened to me, but I am keeping that internal dialogue moving forward...

I appreciate ME!

Funny how fragile the psyche can be, if we are not aware of the things we allow to meander into our thoughts about ourselves...

I am inadequate! Which was something I felt for a looooong time... Now I know this to not be a true statement or (even more important) feeling to have...

I am more than worthy...

This has not been easy for me...it would be oh so much easier to just stay in that comfort zone of mediocrity not quite having enough but having a little bit more than nothing...

I could easily keep complaining while taking absolutely no steps to correct the things I complain about...Naw that is no longer an option

Hmmm....

There is something else that is longing to come out...to express itself through me...

Really can't pinpoint it or can I and am just afraid to explore it more...

I still feel like I am forcing issues again... in certain areas... Trying to make things fit where there is not compatibility at all...

I guess I am talking about my desire to be in a relationship...

*gasp*

Yeah... I am all over the place with that one...even as I claim to have set my intentions on the type of relationship I desire and that is healthy for me...

My actions are not coinciding with that intention...

I have refrained from really making known that I do want this...I dunno... fear of having to depend on someone and even more frightening them to have to depend on me... I have been a soloist my whole life practically...

Not seeing very many successful and healthy relationships and all that has had me doubting whether I am capable...

Fear over how I handle money has also crippled my assertiveness in that area...

The first step is being honest with me about what it is I am looking for in a woman...and being clear as well on the positives that I bring with me, and moving(living, acting) from that place...

Yeah...

all that being said... I am really happy with the dialogue I now have with myself... I am happy that I finally begun the process and am extremely happy to watch it unfold...

The Process

It really is a constant reshaping and reforming of the thinking process. The eagerness to get out there and "show the world" can be detrimental to the growth and development. I am feeling good overall, yesterday was amazing with my constant affirmations and really digging into me to really think positively and uplift my thoughts. That may have been a run-on sentence, but anyway... yeah today overall was a pretty good day, but in my efforts to share the amazingness of yesterday... I lost the things that made it so good. I have to lead by example and not words... show the manifestations of my beliefs and not just rap about it... also I have to be more consistent with me. I got some incredible feedback finally on my scripts, I used that as an excuse to not move forward with them.... I drew a little today and worked on some music... I am in need of some me time and this was good. I am still figuring out my next move on the financial front, but I am confident it is falling into place and I am accepting the pace at which I am moving with it. I really do feel the growth these past few weeks and I am ready to continue that growth the repeated practice and application of the things I know to be true...

????

I be having heavy bouts with myself...battling between the things I say and the things I do.

They don't always coincide...

Today I have been having deep anxiety happening with me, i feel like something is missing in this...day, quest or whatever...I have not been able to pinpoint the source of my uneasiness

Gotta meditate on it...

It seems like whenever I make progress in examining the issues that are racking my brain and keeping me stagnant something happens and I stand still... I forget it or get frustrated and then abandon my practice. I am not ready to do that this time. I am seeking that wellness internally that will free me of the limiting circumstances that I often find myself in.

The fear of not having enough has been popping up these last 2 days as well... Moving with fear that I can't afford things. That I cannot provide for myself and all that other jazz that permeates through my consciousness from time to time. Actually more than just time to time... It is a weekly if not daily occurence. I have a unreliable relationship with money. It is one thing, maybe the most important, that I must improve on. I cannot will not and should not walk around with that big weight on my shoulder.

It is very debilitating...

It has a lot to do with my sometimes lack of faith in my own abilities... I seek acceptance from others in lieu of me accepting me.

I put more weight on the opinions of others about me than I put on my own opinion about myself

I have to walk in faith that I am more than capable and that I believe that I can do what I set out to do without the "blessings" of other to validate my self worth...

This journey has been a blessing for me.. the best therapy I have had in sometime...

No time to stop now... I have to move forward and map out my own destiny

Figuring it Out!

Word!

So I sits down at the computer every night with some grandiose things that I will write about...then I sits down and boom!

Nuthin'...

Well something always comes out but it never seems as profound I intend it... Then I ask myself...

Is that my purpose of doing this?

Am I here to impress people or really move towards a better way of Thinking, Living and Being in this world?

Hmmm...

I already know the answer to that one... This is not a competition to see how profound and dope I can be...

Nope!

It is me revealing my journey and growing into myself(whatever that really means)

Seek Ye First The Kingdom Of God...

Is something that I have been repeating this week, whenever I feel conflict or an uneasiness coming up within me...making sure my choices are rooted in the Divine and are coming from a place of Love...

Not just me being me and reacting and/or overreacting to a situation that would usually get me off my course...

I know that I am moving towards something really important and that timing is everything...and this journey and change of thought is happening for a deeper reason than even I am understanding at this point...

I think it is cool that I am receptive to it as well...

Consistency is the key for me... and practice... to not get so comfortable that I slack off and re institute my "bad" habits again...

Keep It Moving...

Onward and Upward

One Week

I have been attempting to not be repetitive in my writing these blogs but sometimes the cure is in the repetition...

The replaying over and over again of the things you know to be true... Saying it, living it until it becomes second nature.. just as the "bad" habits I possessed before were second nature to me...

Today a lot of what was around me and calling me dealt with surrender, forgiveness and allowing... Things I am not the best at when it comes to me, I mean I can give whole lectures to folks about letting go and looking for the positives

Me doing it!

Very different story... Until now...

I am allowing my self to be free to own my own Joy, Peace, Harmony, Love...

I am doing so right now... I am and have been changing that dialogue from what will go wrong in my life to what is right and expecting it to stay so...


Yeah, I rarely believed that I could have successions of great things happen to me without a shoe dropping to bring me back to "reality"...

Self-fulfilling Prophecy at its best!

I expected Life to bring me back to Earth and it did every time.. I imagined and created conflicts internally that manifested themselves in my Life in one form or another...I created an imaginary distrust that I thought people had for me...This helped me have reasons not to get too close

I thought people would think less of me for the slightest reasons and replayed those reasons until they became MY truth...

I Accept Me!

I Appreciate Me!

I Celebrate Me!

I Love Me!

My anthem is playing... Every Hero needs a Theme Song!

Mine right now is A Change Is Gonna Come!

It feels great!

And So It Is!

Hmmm.... today...

Was pretty uneventful in terms of something that "happened"

I felt more in control of my thought process today... strange... I don't feel that I just went through the motions, but I don't feel I had anything to account for...

I dunno...

I am happy to be taking l steps forward...usually if something is going right I try to rush or change my habits back to what they were before. Thinking I may not really need to be helped at all or that I got this on my own...

Practice...

I know that I must go deeper as it get more comfortable... not just for the sake of being uncomfortable, but to really know who I am and why I am...

I am progressing and not judging is as big or small really just steps in the direction of my destiny and true awareness...sounded kind of dramatic but hey...it is how I see it...

Check Engine Light

Well today my check engine light came on, so I took it to the mechanic in usual Mark fashion expecting the worse. I got home as I waited for the mechanic to call me and tell me I owed him blah blah blah dollars and then I caught myself... Change My Thoughts, Change My Life... I paused reset my emotions and my thinking... Low & Behold it was nothing they reset something checked out some others and told me my car is fine...

I got to thinking I am always internally setting of my own check engine light when there is nothing seemingly wrong. I create dilemmas, confusion and conflict where none exist and then I play out the drama as if it were a real situation...

Crazy I know....

So yeah... I am a believer in the Law Of Attraction ever since I read this book called Your Life: Why It Is The Way It Is And What You Can Do About IT... Long a$ title I know but it dealt with all the Universal Laws that I believe govern out existence on this planet. I say that to say... I am releasing all of that to get to the healing, the growing and the expanding of my mind, heart and soul...

The thing about putting my guard up is that no one or thing gets in, but nothing gets out as well.

So I am letting it out...opening up to receive(and give) the fabulousness(made up word) that is out there...

I have had a hard time saying this in the pass because I didn't know what it really meant and I thought I was being selfish for even thinking it, but I DESERVE THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER!

I will say it again...

I DESERVE THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER!

one more time...

I DESERVE THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER!

Yeah... no explanation needed...

So as I sit here waiting for the mechanic to call and tell me why my check engine light is coming on, I realized that there are a lot of signs happening in my life if I would just pay attention. I give way too much attention to what I don't have, what I need to still do and how many bills I have. If things are going "too well" I wait for something bad to happen, and I haven't up until this point appreciated the moment that is in front of me. I read a magazine called Science Of Mind, it is a spiritual magazine and in it they have a daily guide that give you an affirmation and story with some spiritual passages. Well this month the theme has been very much on point with where I am going in my Life. I have to stop saying things like trying to go or trying to do, and be more decisive and affirmative in my language with myself. I cannot allow the doubt to linger to long in psyche. It has been crazily detrimental in my growth and development a Man.

Right Now...

Today, I am glad that I am starting to make progress

I am patient about it as well, but I do have a sense of urgency to tear away these layers that have blocked my creative growth and stagnated my living freely...

It isn't a competition... with me and someone who may have the "lifestyle" I am moving towards... I have to be humble enough to find out their path and be genuinely happy for them. Not resentful wishing it was me instead of them, but let them have theirs and will carve out mine.

Yeah... I can be overly competitive

Time to let that go...

Um...

So yesterday I took a hiatus mainly because I was coming down with some cold like symptoms... should not have let that deter me but whatever... it did. So anyway, I been really looking at my thought patterns the toxicity that exists in them and the whole like attracts like theories... I've had plenty of opportunities to get into conflict these last few days, but I've taken a different approach to it all. I've sat back and asked myself, which part of me is like that? Not necessarily identical in action but similar in experience. Again I am still in the asking phase because that is where the growth comes, asking and exploring... Seeking the answer instead of just going with the first thought or or most convenient remedy...

So here I am filled with many questions... Exploring what has made me me for all these years and what is conducive for growth and productivity and what is not... The one thing that I do know is that I have to stop judging myself so harshly and be more assertive in my pursuits of my passion...that is two things but whatever... I have to allow myself to breathe and not take each and everything so personally...

If I Could Just...

I start off a lot of my thoughts with that phrase....

If I could just get 10,000 things would be better...

If I could just get these auditions then I could pay off my bills...

If I could just get rid of some of these bills I would be able to focus more on my craft

If I could just.... Yeah a perpetual cycle never leading out of itself...

It becomes a frustrating task when lack is the place that I operate from, I have read the books but putting it all into practice has been a problem.

Man...we talkin' bout Practice!

I don't practice the principles that govern my Life(or at least that I say do) on a regular basis...

I am very wishy washy when it comes to meditation and even to be honest prayer on some days(maybe even most days)

Recognition is the key in all of this...not seeking approval or pats on the back or kicks in the rear for that matter... this is just me being honest with me about me...

Progress!

Maybe...I believe so...

I am changing the inner dialogue that I have with myself now. It hasn't been easy, but it has most definitely been necessary. I like it.

The Urge

So I am having this urge to not write. To not express what has been happening to me today... It is something that happens to me A LOT. I get complacent feel like now would be a good time to take that break! Yeah... then a 10 minute break turns into a 2 hour hiatus! Inspiration gone...just like that...

Where to begin...hmmm don't really know

Been taking an inventory of how I think today as well as what I am thinking about... I get annoyed with people pretty damn easily... In traffic at cross walks etc. for no apparent reason either... When I caught myself doing it...I just said my mantra Change My Thoughts, Change My Life....

I know it is only day two but I am taking this seriously!

AS AN ARTIST I HAVE FAILED MYSELF...

That is not to say I have not done work that I am proud of, but I have been approaching my pursuit of it with a blue collar mentality

Nothing wrong with that right? No not at all ...as long as you are working or pursuing blue collar career...

My point is that I would act as if I could only be productive for an 8 hour stretch of the day...If I was not productive early in the morning my day was a total waste and that I had to be doing something for someone else for it to mean anything...Right???

Seriously...has been my line of thinking...I've been so hell bent on being "balanced" that I didn't realize I was so far away from having a truly creative mindset...

The remedy???

Haven't gotten that far with it yet... I am still delving into that part of my Soul that aches to be truly free... Unfolding and releasing the layers that have been built up over time masquerading as me but really just a vague idea or perception I reenact time and time again...

In other words... I have been hiding behind mediocrity doing just enough to say I am doing it, but not nearly enough to bring me the gratification I truly want from my art...

These blogs are a start... even now I have the urge to dig deeper... to keep reaching to not stop when it get uncomfortable...to expose my vulnerabilities until the point where they become assets...

Hmmm.... don't really know what to write at this point... It is something now that I know is out there for me to adjust and shift...

State of Self-Being

Be Grateful
Be Fearless
Be Love
bE Gentle
Be Firm
Be Confident
Be Humble
Be Gracious
Be Joyful
Be Prosperous
Be Honest
Be Creative
Be Open
Be Clear
Be Wise
Be Strong
Be Still
Be Hope
Be Great
Be Compassion
Be More
Be Sincere
Be Courageous
Be Present
Be Able
Be Happy
Be Forgiving
Be Self(less)(ish)
Be Smart
Be Silent
Be Informed
Be Miraculous
Be Divine
Be Me

Be Content to SimplY Be

Changing my Thoughts, Changing my Life

So as I sit here on the 1st day of April thinking about my life....the Good...The Great...The not so Great and the quite honestly the bad. I'm realizing that some serious and much needed changes are needed...
I AM A GUARDED INDIVIDUAL!!!!!!

I protect my feelings, my Art, and my Life from a majority of people...MYSELF INCLUDED... I have a fear of letting go and/or letting too many people in...Yeah

I realized that this morning as I got ready for meditation... that even though I am truly happy with my Life there is room for major improvements! Starting with relationships...my relationship with money is a major factor...during this same sit down the word poverty kept creeping back into my consciousness...hmmm... I realized I am guarded about money to... whether it is earning, saving, spending or whatever... I have a fickled relationship with it. Right! Changes!

So I am thinking, where do I start? What am I changing? What does that really mean? Overall I know I am a "positive" person, but something for me right now ain't clicking. So I honestly had no clue right then and quite honestly I am just freestyling sort of right now...that being said the phrase change your thoughts change your life popped up in my head...Never read the book, but listen to Wayne Dyer quite often and really enjoy and respect his "take" on things... then I started to think about the month of April...I have been plotting out my intentions for this month and what I am going to accomplish, and I came up with the thought of giving each month a theme...that's right a theme... So this month is Change My Thoughts, Change My Life.

Sooooo....

The first change is to put my works and ideas out there... to get feedback...to listen and take in seriously the suggestions that I receive...to not consider constructive criticism haterisms and all that Jazz...Yeah... It is starting with this blog...right now...Yeah...pushing back the thoughts that my ideas thoughts and whatnot are stupid or just plain inadequate

I know better...

Now I need to do better...

and Live better

My sharing is beginning now...with me... to me... about me

I am moving forward...

Changing

Evolving

Living

A much improved Life

I Love Love Love My Life

Just a recognition that it could be so much more fruitful if I just embrace ME and the gifts I have to offer ME...