Revelations, Reflections and Gratitude

As I approach the one year anniversary of this blog, I had and exchange today that made grateful and reflective all in one. I had a "conversation" today with someone who took exception to one of my post that there is goodness in the world. I am not one to argue over peoples beliefs...I am not in the business of being right... I am more interested in being sincere and honest. Anyway...their view is that we live in a miserable world right now and cannot wait until the "new system" comes so they can be happy. I didn't judge, but I also didn't share my beliefs too deeply because I know (or could sense) that they were not receptive to any other understanding but their own. Yeah, it sent me into a myriad of meditations and reflections today...which led to moments of both elation and melancholy...

I am grateful for my evolution as a person. I shy away from giving myself too much (ok any) credit for anything, but I am truly grateful that the experiences and people that have been put on my path have inspired and enlighten way of not only thinking but living. I am choosing to be more compassionate with me. Cutting me some "slack" ya know. I will stop stressing over the small things and appreciate that which I have. Something may or may not always be better than nothing, but I am loving whatever I have now.

God is Good Always...

Let's talk about Sex...

So, yesterday morning I got an email on facebook from a young lady asking me if I knew another lady by the name of blah blah. I said that the name did not ring a bell and asked where I would know her from. She said I would have known her from Philly or the military, I commence to tell her that I was never in the military, but I was born and raised in Philly. Then she states that she doesn't mean to bother me, but she is looking for her biological father and wanted more info from me! Wow...now my heart is racing and I am having mad flashbacks to when this could be and all that goes with it. I also had to do a search for my father although my search was a lot easier since I had met him a few times as a child and spent time with his aunt when I was very young. So my first intention was to be as helpful as possible since I know how difficult of a process it is to start and go through. So I give her some info about me, and she tells me his birthday and it turns out to not be me. I was both happy that it wasn't me, but sad that she had to continue this search for the man who help to conceive her.

Lately, I have been having many conversations around sex...both in larger groups and in more intimate settings. What it means to different people and all of that. I shared with a couple of the groups that I have been abstinent, and didn't go too much more into details. Some of the other people too were waiting, some for marriage others of us until we feel a deeper understanding of who we are with and why we are there. Some people felt that it was just sex and not really a big deal. With that I totally disagree. Sex it the most powerful act two(or more) people can engage in. Its ultimate end leads to Life! I thought more about that yesterday than ever before. I had been pretty careless when it came to sex in my younger years (and not so younger years). I was not always as protected as I should have been, and didn't think much of it. Yesterday was the second time my mind raced back to the days when I was carefree in Philly and other places. The first was a few years back when I needed an HIV test for my life insurance plan. As I waited for the results I was anxious beyond belief. When it came back cool I vowed to take sex more seriously and recognize the Divinity in its Act. To me it is sacred and I am not in the business of preaching, but I have on many occasions seen the end result of lack of communication surrounding sex. People do not talk about their expectations of their relationship after wards and it changes things. I believe in making conscious choices now, with my mind, body and soul. I have not and will not put time limits on anything, but I will know when it is the right time to make any choice I make around it.

Creating A Safe Place

"When cut deep the same blood we bleed/We're not immune to addiction or disease/Got violent deaths in our family trees." Citizen Cope

I got some disturbing news very early this morning regarding two of my family members. It kind of took me by surprise but then again it really didn't. My family's way of dealing with things is to ignore and deny until it builds into some seemingly irreconcilable occurrence. When I got the news I looked for a safe haven for my Self, to ponder, revitalize and recharge. I couldn't find solace no matter where I turned. I grew increasingly agitated and frustrated. Why can't I ever seem to get what I give(or am I)? I just wanted(want) peace! Finally found someone to talk to and vent my frustrations about a myriad of things, when it dawned on me. God is my safe place. It is always with me. I do not have to anything other than Be Still to access It! The Power and the Presence is Ever-Present. I was going there when the weather was good, but avoiding it when it is needed most. God always understands! I do not have to beg, prod or cajole It... The safe place has already been created I need to follow the most effective advice I always give and pray and meditate on It. Whatever it is...

Time is on My Side

As I was in a contemplative mood today this song played...




Then I realized music calms the savage beast and that includes ego....





I am glad I have stopped running and am wiling to shine...Life is Good


God is Good...

Restlessness is my nemesis

"My restlessness is my nemesis/It's hard to really chill and sit still/committed to page/I write rhymes/sometimes won't finish for days" Mos Def

I always loved that line by Mos Def...I could/can relate to it. When I am in a creative mode I can't sit still. There may be a few other factors, but I got to get into the world and just move and shake and do. I love people watching, and sharing ideas, especially when folks are respectful of the space and don't bring fear and propaganda into the equation. Fear has been big on my mind lately, and how it permeates itself into our dialogue seamlessly and without much effort. Our family fears about taking risks become our own eventually(if we are not aware). Our nations fear of change and growth dominate the overall mainstream dialogue and we continue in a place of complacency and idleness. I get it too! Growth is not the most comfortable thing, I still battle with my Wall Of Jericho(fear)...anywho...

Yeah...I am progressing in my meditation and being able to "sit still" physically, and now I am beginning to look at the mental side of the stillness equation. That is where the clarity comes in, and in this very moment I am in need of some more clarity and direction. Cranking up that spiritual GPS if you will. I was consumed by the the things missing in my Life, now I am understanding what it really means to be grateful for what I have....

Standing Tall

"No man is an island but I often feel alone So I find peace through...'Ohm...'" Saul Williams

So a little while ago...about a week now I guess... I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine Z about asking for help and doing it all yourself. He was sharing with me when challenges arise instead seeking help he rolls up his sleeves and "tries harder" if you will. His overall point was that it hadn't served him and his business well and now he is learning to reach out more, but it is still difficult to do. I related entirely with what he was saying. I have turned down help (recently even) even though I really needed it because seeking help was just not something I can or could do easily. Ego gets in the way. Practice makes it perfect, and I am letting go of anything that doesn't serve me. Some releasing has taken place immediately and some has taken longer that I anticipated, but I see the progress and know that I am better today than I was yesterday, and will be better tomorrow...

Demons at the Gate

"Worry is like payment on a bill that isn't due yet"...unknown


Today I woke up just with just worry, doubt and fear just banging on the gates of my mind. Through my morning spiritual rituals I couldn't shake it. They manifested themselves in back pain and headaches and all other types of ailment(physical and mental). That being said there is a lot of construction happening in my crib right now so there is crazy dust and dirt happening. Anywho, I was ready to pack it in real early. Not go do my errands or film the things I planned to film today. I was battling hard to get it going. Then I decided for a moment to not resist. Not in the I give up sort of way, but ok fine I may not be good enough, but I am gonna do It anyway. I may not have enough loot, but I am gonna treat myself anyway. Etc. So yeah I gave them nothing to fight against. I figured I would give that a try, and see what happens.

It has been almost a year since I started this blog, and I have been thinking a lot about what my purpose is/was for doing this. It dawned on me a few weeks ago that this blog is not about having the answers, but revealing my questions as they arise. To share with others, so just maybe those questions can assist others on their journey. Those are the blogs and other writings that appeal to me. The ones that allow me some insight to my own life through theirs. Not in the living vicariously through other folks, but in sharing their vulnerabilities it enables me the freedom to see mine. Yeah, something like that.

Don't Sweat The Technique

“Do or do not... there is no try.” Yoda

Today I was thinking about a conversation I had many years back when I first started acting. At the time I had been taking acting classes for a few years at Freedom Theatre in Philly and had a good friend of mine Warren who had been there pretty much as long as me. Anywho, one day in between classes we were talking about techniques and approaches and all that, when he turns to me and says we have so much technique happening right now that is causing us to over think and not feel the character. He said that he can see us trying to be the character and worrying about technique instead of just doing it. It made a lot sense to me and I began to put some of the techniques aside and went back to the organic style and if a role required it then I would dig deeper into different techniques and all that. I say all of that to say that today I noticed the same thing happening in my spiritual life...I was doing all this prep to get ready to be prepared to....yeah anyway...I was thinking about it instead of just being IT! So I then decided to simply take it back to first grade...sticks and stones...if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything...as well as the highest commandment of them all... Love Thy neighbor as Thyself! Simply put...Just Be!

Speaking of technique. I have been looking at footage of of my short Casual Friday, and there are definitely some things I need to learn about the process...right??? Didn't I just...well... in this particular case there were lighting and sound things that I could have done differently. So I went to the library picked up a few books so I can know what the hell I am talking about. Artistry doesn't have to be devoid of technical savvy either. Each time out I should (and will) do a better job. One of the things is to practice shooting things as many things as I possibly can. Even if I just invite friends over and shoot a random scene. I am excited that the sky is the limit when it comes to my artistry, and I am grateful to have an incredibly encouraging support system.