Assessing situations

The Ego has reared its head again. My sister bought me a book on relationships. I didn't know how to take it really. I've explained to her that being in a relationship is not a top priority for me right now. Yes I would like to be in a relationship and yes sometimes being single has its drawbacks. That being said Life is happening for me and to me right now. Some things exhilarating in a positive sense and others well they are causing me some angst, but I am in it. A relationship could enhance it or not who knows, but I won't go searching for one just to be in one, and I am not quite sure that a book would solve the issue for me anyway. 

 WAIT...This wasn't even supposed to be about the book...woos-sah

Now I have loss track of what it is I am writing about. Final thought on that. I read a lot of books that deal with spirituality. Not so much into the self-help genre...Love you sis. :-D

So the assessing situations. As I am preparing to leave on apartment for another. I am going through things and looking at where I am with Life etc., and well I don't know where I am...LOL...That's the honest truth. Things have been hectic and chaotic in my mind more than any place else and I have not allowed mySelf to just take a step back and breathe...woo-sah...between writing, creating, working and playing I have just been going non-stop since early June. As I sit here writing this I can feel the lack of centeredness in the pit of my stomach. There is an uneasiness. Not bad but just hectic and uncertain. I have to remember to stop be still and just breathe. It will help. It always has...

Alright I came here for something else and once again my Mind meandered. Bottom line is I need to appreciate the activities that have been going on in my Life but to remember being still is extremely important. Life is good...    

Oh shit!

People actually read this...I mean wow. I just checked the audience numbers for the blog for the first time. 


I guess I thought people would. Maybe friends and some family. I am shocked maybe impressed, but the humility won't let me say that. Even though I just did. ;-)


As I began writing this it really was just about me expressing who I am. I disabled the comment section well because it was really just about me sharing, not others correcting. My desire was in me sharing my journey it would inspire others in some way to look within and rise up as I needed to. I am still rising!


I know that I am not alone in the challenges that arise in life. Whether it is desiring a  relationship or looking for financial stability everyone (or most everyone) has their something that is has been a challenge to overcome. 


My guardedness brought me to this point. I don't know if I am any less guarded when it comes to the emotional "vulnerability" type shit but I have seen a more willingness to step out of my comfort zone. That was one of the goals of this, but the chief goal still is to improve my quality of life. 


Change just for the sake of change is not enough for me. Breaking down the barriers that bonded me to mediocrity is my ultimate goal and purpose.

I have an EGO...there I said it. I can at times be stubborn...let it go. I've been known to be a know it all...purge. I am impatient and have had bouts of moodines...woooo saaaah.

Whew I had to let that out. See as of late I've been putting myself under a lot of pressure to be sort of perfect, and in my mind sometimes I make everything about me when it really isn't. I take things personally and create conflicts where none exist. It was a trait that was popular for me in the past and as I spoke on yesterday sometimes old habits die hard. When things are not going as planned I have a desire to inch back into my comfort zone. When I need a timeout from people, places or things instead of me just taking the timeout, I would create havoc to give me a reason for the timeout. I would look at alone time kind of as a punishment instead of just what it is, a time to reflect and regroup. I like being alone. I am cool around other folks as well but my alone time is precious to me, and I felt like I needed an excuse to take it. I don't!

Yeah I think that is all I have for today. I never know how to end these things. Kind of feels like one of the old Spike Lee movies. Where I just yell at the screen and yell wake up, but I am wide awake. That is why I am doing this. Because I am awake to not only changing but improving. Getting better and sharing that journey. I will acknowledge actually that I have improved. Sometime that self-acknowledgment doesn't come quick enough from me, and I don't always pat my self on the back. I no longer see my life as a train wreck waiting to happen. It is a journey and I am in charge of the journey. I am progressing and making strides daily and by enlarge I am pretty happy with the results.

Ok, now I really don't know how to end this. The Spike Lee joke was where I intended to stop....
So.....WAKE UPPPPPPPPPP!

Going Within

So, a few months back I did this 21 day winter meditation challenge through the Chopra Center, and it was really good. I fell back off my practice of meditating but that was on me not them. Yeah, so I received an email saying that they would be doing a 21 day summer challenge. Low and behold another chance to get this right. The "challenge" started yesterday and it was and has been a challenge, because for whatever reason I have not been able to access the meditations through my phone like I could before. I have my own theories but whatever, bottom line is I couldn't get on to do it. Usually I would get all kinds of frustrated and go off on some tangent about this that or the third. This morning I tried again and to no avail. (Side note spiritual center or not customer service should respond lol). I digress...oh yeah...this was something I was looking forward to and felt I "needed" in my spiritual growth and development. The excuses began to roll out of my mouth, and it would have been very easy to give up and move on. Then the thought hit me. Go on without it, ok actually I said fuck it but not in the negative tone but more of a there is another solution and I will find it sort of way. 

The penchant for excuse making was a great hobby for me. There were excuses for every situation imaginable, and if not I found a way to develop one. Then when my mom passed, when I was 16, for a while I had a ready made excuse and was able to coast through with minimal effort exerted. The result was that I received minimal reward, and very few people were willing to call me on the laziness because they "couldn't imagine what I was going through". Then when that was no longer a viable option as an excuse I would manufacture another one and keep the lethargy party rolling. What exacerbated matter more was that I was a great talker. Yeah, so needless  to say  this period in my life was filled with mediocrity in effort and results. As with many things old habits die hard and recognition is the first step. Gratefully I am not that cat anymore, but I still am working my way into the man I am destined to be. It is a life long process. There is no simple pill to digest that will cure what was, but understanding that life can be much better when there is honesty and trust with myself has helped me more that any outside source I can think of.

So I'm writing this as I am releasing the need to rely on anything else outside of mySelf. The lesson for today was trust in yourself, and the answers will appear. I was once told and then read many times some things should come to me with ease and grace, and spiritual enlightenment falls in that category for me. If something or someone is able to assist me in my growth that is awesome and I am all for it, but there is a difference between assistance and dependence. I am totally accepting of assistance while letting go of the dependence. Woooo Saaaaah.... ;-)