Stevie Wonder - Love's In Need Of Love Today

Fred Sanford on Police Brutality

The Illipsis: on Ferguson, riots and human limits

Nina Simone: An Artist's Duty

Unlearning

This morning I read an article with Willow and Jaden Smith. It was, for me, an incredibly beautiful interview about life, art and process.

It had me thinking about the things we learn or are taught about what it means to be successful. Much of that was foreign to me, and it rarely felt right.

Our caregivers, parents or whomever is reared us did the best they can with what they have. Most times. It is done with love.

I believe that.

I also believe the true learning process starts sometime thereafter.

Experience.

No one can teach us that. Books and things help, but for me it has always about the feeling.

I need to feel it. I want to know how it felt to you.

Not on a surface level, but deep down in your soul.

That is living.

That is learning.

That's where I am.

Monday Morning Musing 11/17/2014

It is funny...I Love MySelf has been my Mantra for the last 4 days or so, then I see this...

Doing The Work!

Let me first start off by saying that I do not consider myself to be a “hard” worker. Rarely do I burn the midnight oil working. Many many times in my life it has been pointed out how “slow” my pace is, and how it doesn’t seem like I exert much energy. Since being rushed rarely jives with me, I choose to allot enough time to daydream, procrastinate and fuck off when doing my work. Whatever that work may be at the time. For so many years I thought something was wrong with me because even the things that excite rarely altered my pace. When I glance in the mirror I see a very passionate person, so desire and passion part haven’t been a problem. Then I realized that nothing is indeed wrong with me ( at least not in terms of this topic), and I do not need to work like everyone (or anyone) else. My process is my process. It by enlarge works for me. Perfection does not exist, so there have been times where my pace has come back to bite me in the ass. I mean like take an extremely large chunk with it. The recognition that I do not work “hard” has allowed me to adjust my thinking and methods. I believe in working smart, and maximizing my efforts and energy.

Over the last week I made some adjustments to my routine and have reaped amazing benefits. I have always been a morning person, but since I am an artist it has somehow become a thing that I am supposed to stay up late because that is when creativity is at its highest. That doesn’t work for me. For one I am freshest first thing in the morning, so this week I’ve made a point to do my Brooklyn walks first thing in the morning. Then when I get back to put in work writing and creating before my job starts. A couple things happen when I have worked this way. One, I can focus on work when I start instead of fixating on what creative work I need to do later on, and B I am not drained mentally from putting in a full day’s work. There is no decompression or unwinding period necessary. This is what works best for me, and I am good with that. Each person has to find their way, and tinker with it as you see fit. It is not about anyone else. It is all up to you.

A few days have now elapsed since I began writing this post (oh the irony). So many different things and ideas have come up as to how and if to finish. Yeah! Vulnerability and its place in my work and life arose. First realization…I am not good at it. Second…I would like to work on the first, and C sometimes, most times…well there are times when we need to let people in to help us with said work. I am not good at that either. Patience…working on that too, but I am so much better than I was. Lastly the things that were really reinforced…enjoy the ride, live life fully and don’t succumb to fear. Work can and should be enjoyable, especially since this type of an exploration is an ongoing process. 

Monday Morning Musing 11/10/2014

Harry Belafonte acceptance speech...

Monday Morning Musing 11/3/2014

A thought!

Legacy

Many years ago I would frequent this spot called The Bounty in Los Angeles. I enjoyed The Bounty for many reasons there were older patrons there who had fascinating stories about music, arts and old LA to share. It had a Cheers kind of vibe to it. I met some truly incredible people there.  We shared plenty of drinks, laughs and debates over the years. One of the people I came to know, admire and love was an older cat named Frank. When I first met Frank our friendship was mostly filled with loud arguments and disagreements, not exclusively but yeah. Looking back on it now we were both passionate about the Black community, and that passion mixed with alcohol can be volatile and blinding. Funny thing happened though; I moved from the neighborhood and didn’t come around as much. When I came back I noticed a shift in Frank, he had lost weight and wasn’t nearly as hostile.  He was more willing to engage, listen and ask questions. This in turn allowed me to do the same. He had changed diet, cut down on the drinking and become more flexible in his views. This is not that common for someone well into their 60s. He shared with me his reasoning, and our friendship shifted to a mutual respect and admiration. I learned a lot from Frank. I also helped him with computer and social media questions he was having. I learned from Frank that it is never too late to change, grow and/or adjust. I am grateful for that and the many lessons I learned from him.

I bring up Frank and The Bounty because in one of our earliest conversations Frank mentioned that I should begin to think about what my legacy will be on this planet. Before then I never really quite thought about it before. Legacy! He pointed that everyone has a legacy no matter how big or small.  I’ve wondered since then if legacy is something that we have complete control, or if someone’s perception of the situation can alter our individual legacies. So many questions! I’m the inquisitive type with a small bout of perfectionism to boot. I mean, I know who I think I am and that is all I can really control, but I also know that I’ve had good intention and still made horrible choices. It happens. I think I’ve done more “good” than “bad” but that is my interpretation of me. The flip side is should I really care of others perception of me? What seemed very clear cut at one point snowballed into myriad of questions and alternate scenarios.  The solution I am working on is to simply do my best, be clear with my intentions and tell my truth. I believe those are the best ways to honor and create my legacy.

While walking down Church Avenue the other day, I watched a mother interact with her child. I for some reason had no doubt that the mother loved her child, but if you only looked at the surface it might not be as clear. She was cussing and was clearly frustrated with the child in that moment. I thought back to Frank and the issue of legacy. It also had me thinking about the things we pass on and carry down. So much of what we do as a society is inherently passed down blindly from one generation to the next. If we think it worked for us then that is what we pass down. Even if we do not think it worked for us, it may be all we know. If our experiences do not show us anything different, we may not know that an alternate solution exists. People find it hard to believe, but in my experience it is “the truth”. I was spanked or whooped whatever you want to call it as a child. Luckily I also encountered kids who were not spanked and didn’t go to jail or become some unsavory character as we are led to believe would happen if the rod was spared. Since I was not a fan of being spanked and saw alternatives it dictated my view on how I would raise my children if or when I would have them. For some it is just easier to carry on what you know. Seeking alternatives takes time and effort. Instead of judging other in moments like that, I simply ask myself what am I carrying with me and is it my choice.

A Dream

When I was 8 years old I had a recurring dream.

My Uncle had been killed a year earlier.

I would dream that I was able to rid the world of weapons and violence.

I woke up to intimidated to share.

So Now I Am.

Accepted Reality (Living With It)

Person 1: How you feeling?
Person X: Uh you know aches and pains
Person 1: That is part of Life once you hit your 40s

Or

Person C: What been up?
Person 2: Not feeling that great, but that’s to be expected at this age

These are conversations I’ve been hearing (or having) a lot lately.

Well varying degrees of these conversations. It is very easy to get sucked into a way of thinking of how life is supposed to be once we hit a certain age. It is like I mentioned in an earlier post we chose to live within the margins of Life without questioning why it is we say what we say or believe what we believe. When alternatives are offered it is often met with resistance, you know the “easier said than done” argument.

It is exhausting…

It wears on you…

And then…

It creeps into YOUR psyche… You begin to believe it…you groan when you get out of chair (even shit don’t hurt). You begin to look for ailments and squint like you can’t see the shit you know you can see. You know better, but you begin to believe that it is in fact too damn hard.

The thing is if you keep expecting it chances are it will show up.

Disclaimer: this is not literal and results may vary, so expecting a million dollar check alone will not bring it into fruition.

So all of this is because I have been expecting certain things to happen (subconsciously that is). I had my family health “history” so hammered into my skull that I just assumed and anticipated certain things were inevitable. I changed my dietary habits to ease, but deep down I expected and accepted it. My bad.

I used to believe the saying “once you know better you do better”, but complacency is a helluva drug. It needs and feeds off of acceptance. It allows you to be comfortable with a “little bit” of pain physically and then crashes parties in other parts of your mind. Little by little things that would never have been acceptable are now common place.  Mediocrity consumes most of your days and you are okay with that, because well that is what happens when you hit a certain age…job, life, health…nothing is supposed to change once you hit a certain age.

My name is Mark Anthony Benson and I’m becoming complacent!

The Power And Impact Of Art

Yesterday I went to see the film Dear White People. It was a very well put together movie, and I enjoyed it. I could go into critic mode but that really isn't the point of this post. One of the things that struck me was the way the film was shot. I had read an interview earlier in the week where the filmmaker heaped much praise the way of Spike Lee as an influence. It very much showed up in the way the movie was shot, wrote and directed. This is clearly not a knock, since Spike is one of my all-time favorite directors as well. When left the theater and strolled around Williamsburg; I was taken back to the first time I saw Do The Right Thing, and the impact it had on me a young black man in Philadelphia just getting involved in the arts and finding my voice in the world. To say that it moved me would be an understatement. It helped to shape my voice and spoke to the frustrations that I was encountering in my world. It challenged me and my worldview.  It (along with the music of PE, BDP and others) ushered in a radical self-preservation social and political frame of mind.  My hope is that young folks (and not so young) will see this film and hopefully be impacted the way that I was 25 years ago. I left the theater in 1989 wanting to see change and make change. A fire was sparked that is still burning. The methods (my methods) may have changed, but not the desire. It is and will always be in me.

Art saved my Life, and that is not hyperbole by any stretch of the imagination. When I enrolled in Freedom Theatre, roughly 25 years ago as well, I was at a crossroads in my Life. I was making horrible decisions, and was associating with some folks who were assisting me down the path of Self-Destruction. I literally was spending most of my money on alcohol and other less desirable things. Then I had an encounter that snapped me out of it. It wasn’t an immediate turn around but that night I knew I had to leave some people and things behind. Later on I would speak with an old high school counselor who encouraged me to give acting (comedy more specifically) a try. She recommended I take some classes and that led me to Freedom Theatre. After my first class, or maybe second, I knew I was on to something. It bought me a joy that I had forgotten existed. I was anxious every class, but I WANTED to do the scene work. No one forced me to be there. The money I was spending on alcohol was now being spent on acting books, leotards and tights. I kept a journal, I studied and I wanted to get better. I made friends that I am still tight with to this day. I had a reason to live that had nothing to do with Friday or Saturday nights at strip club or any other clubs for that matter. There was a new purpose in my Life. I’ve since expanded my scope but I’m forever grateful for that beautiful beginning.

I believe deep down I knew art and creativity would be a part of my Life. I remember seeing the movie Night Hawks with Billy Dee Williams and Sylvester Stallone, and the scene where Billy Dee’s face was slashed as he was running though a NYC subway station. The women in the theater lost their collective minds yelling at the screen. I was like wow…I want that. Seriously! I would skip high school some days and go down to CAPA (Creative And Performing Arts High School) to hang out with my best friend. When his mom- Aunt Bev- would catch me she would make me stay with her in her class, so she could keep a close eye on me. I would act like I was pissed, but I was also more than a little intrigued by what they were doing in her acting class. I remember these things from 25 and more years ago more vividly than I can remember what I had for lunch last Wednesday. That alone lets me know how powerful art can be, and with that type of power comes great responsibility. At least that is what I choose to believe, so I don’t take any aspect of my creativity lightly. If I am gonna share it, I want it to mean something. If it only moves me that is cool too, but it has to at least do that. Art can move people, and I want mine to move folks in the “right” direction.

Real vs. Imagined

I am a firm believer in the Law Of Attraction. I have experienced it in the most auspicious ways and I’ve also experienced in the most excruciating ways.  Thoughts create things; our thoughts are our most powerful tool we have. When we allow our imagination to be itself and run wild with love beautiful things happen. Conversely when fear and insecurity control the same imagination, well let’s just say beauty is not the end result. What can start out as an imagined dragon when given enough fuel to grow can and will materialize in our lives. Well it has in mine. Be it health issues or moments of financial insecurities; when I dwelled in the dungeons of my own thoughts eventually I reaped that rotten unwanted fruit. Not all real issues and problems are merely extensions of our own thoughts and doing. I mean, we live in a world where we interact with other people and Life happens organically (or not). When my personal situation is going astray, I am learning (not always succeeding) to stop and take inventory of my own thoughts and ideas in that moment. Am I ushering in this scenario? Is a question I ask myself. If I recognize that I am then I gently remind myself to “stop and breathe”.  Self-recognition is the key to growth, and more importantly self-love is essential to healing of our emotional wounds. 

"Before you get something in your hand, you must first get something in your mind." Dr. Mary Tumpkins

So this post is one week in the making. I wrote the first paragraph, and in true Mark fashion I got distracted. I came across the above quote which coincided with where I thought I wanted to go with the rest of it. Then I went to Philly for a visit, and another lesson resurfaced. That powerful thing called heredity! Yeah it is not just physical, but I believe it can carry down through mannerisms, thoughts and ideas. I don’t believe it an irreversible thing, but it is still powerful nonetheless. I’ve mentioned on a few occasions before that my Dad and I did not spend a lot of time together during my childhood, but some of his ways and thinking seem to mirror mine. More specifically, they were some things about myself that I’ve been looking to improve upon. Not that they were bad or whatever, just needed some tweaking. The space that I’m in right now is allowing me to see clearly that changes need to be made in my Life. Seeing where some of these habits come from (without placing “blame”) allows me to approach them from a broader perspective, and be gentler with myself in the process. It also brings to light some of the things that were hidden and didn’t quite fit. In other words, I can go deeper now that I have a better frame of reference for some of the questions I had. I’m grateful for the recognition and the process.

The Power of "I don't know"...

Recovery takes time…

But time is of the essence…

Here’s the thing. I am a recovering know it all. Yes, I was that guy who had ALL the answers. Even if you had the correct answer I would slide in with a side of semantics just to be included in the correctness. It had gotten to the point where I would make up “facts” if I didn’t have the answer hoping no one would fact check it. Crazy...right?  Then I encountered some folks (some I already knew) who took “knowitallness” to another level, and I would get extremely annoyed. I got annoyed because one the shit was annoying and B. it caused me to look at my own behavior. So you know what that meant, yeah I was annoying too. Shit! So began (and am continuing) the journey of I don’t know. In the past I considered I don’t know to be a sign of ignorance, and I equated ignorance with stupidity. The two are NOT the same! Ignorance and stupidity are not the same. Through time and usage we have intertwined the two, and it often feels like irrevocably. I am recognizing now that I don’t know is the (or could be) beginning of an educating process. The first steps to learning something new, because I am a curious person when I don’t know something I look it up. When I knew it all, that rarely happened. I would give my answer and leave it at that. There are times now that I will say I don’t know even if I do know, so I can hopefully learn something new instead of leaning on my old understanding and way of doing things. I guess that would be call growth. There are many ways to skin a cat (why would you though?) and just because I know one way doesn’t mean that other ways aren’t equally as effective.

“Time won’t give me time…”

It sometimes felt like I was in a constant state of “recovery”. Creating ailments and issues to overcome and conquer. I mean why not, it feels good to “conquer” something right? Then you get to share that victory and get pats on the back and yeah…but then what? When does the wellness begin? When does the fruit of meditating and yoga and eating right become your absolute way of life? What happens when you realize the dead dragon you’ve slayed 100 times won’t get back up, and the audience that cheered the first slaying are no longer impressed? Creating imaginary foes is exhausting, more exhausting than fighting the real ones. The mind is powerful; something imagined can have more strength and weigh on us in ways that real foes don’t have the power to.  

“Time after time…”

Words and intentions are cute and often well intended, but actions are the barometer. Will my actions coincide with my intentions? Before my answer would be “time will tell”. That was an indictment on that fact that I didn’t believe I could change. Yes has to be the answer. It is the ultimate dragon slayer. It is the bridge to newness. It opens up doors and creates possibilities. When I began acting and we were studying improv the very first rule was do not deny. To me that was equated with say yes to the situation. Life can be like that, denial stops growth in its tracks. Yes gives us an opportunity to grow. Knowing it all is a form of denial. It inhibits growth, and can be counterproductive. Know what you are saying yes to, and if you don’t know (or even if you do know)…ask.

20 years in BK

Below is a message to myself on the 20 year anniversary of being in Brooklyn...

Little Markie, you've made the decision to move to Brooklyn! You feel you are ready for the “big” time as you've said in your journals on more than one occasion. Oh yeah, by the way, it is me well you but 20 years from now writing this. First, let me tell you something it won’t be as easy as you envision it, you will run from it initially and wind up back in Philly for a few months next year. Don’t get dejected my man; it is all part of the process. You are gonna make a lot of mistakes romantically, creatively, financially and otherwise. That is fine; the problem is not the mistake themselves, but that you have a hard time letting these mistakes go. You have a tendency to focus on what is wrong more so than what is going well. Stop that!  You will hold on to some defeats way too long, and you will be afraid to open up your heart again for a long time. I don’t believe in giving advice my man, but since I am you and you are me I will give you some.

Creatively take some more risks, and be more consistent with your effort. You will hear quite a few times that you have talent etc., but you take too many baby steps. Leap every now and then. You are overly cautious as to not make a mistake. That is impossible! Stop seeking perfection. Start now, because as you mature it will be become more challenging to grow out of those habits. It clearly is not impossible to do, but the quicker you master moving on to the next project or just trusting the process of completing your current projects the better off you will be. You will also go through changes and many folks telling you what your strengths are and aren't. Learn which ones to ignore and who to trust. Also, stop limiting the scope of your artistic expression. I know you love acting but man there is a lot more out there to explore. Eventually you will branch out, but do so more fearlessly. Ignore the naysayers and people who base their decisions on their fears and foreshadow that in their “advice” to you. Ignore them all, or at least most of them.

Now the romance part; she was dope, incredible, brilliant, warm, funny and totally into you. You fucked it up, and because of this idea you have that karma is waiting to enact some revenge on you for this mess up; you are not eager to get into another relationship. You will spend a lot of time dodging them and “protecting” your heart. Basically stop that too! Be open again. Trust that the Universe is not that spiteful. She’s happy and you should be too. There isn't much more I can add to this part. Well, cut down that damn impossible list you created after she left. That was done to build the wall. It won’t work, and it won’t make you happy in the long run.

Financially you have to do the exact opposite of what you did creatively. Well sort of. Be more cautious financially, but get rid of the fear of not having or losing what you don’t have. Practice what you preach about abundance and trusting in the invisible supply. You also need to diversify the means in which income comes in. There are times where you will wait and hope for a big windfall. This is where some more “baby” steps will come in handy, as well as a financial planner may help. Basically don’t rely merely on the job, because it will lead to financial heartache. Trust in the process, but put in the step to help the process along.

Finally my friend, the next 20 years of your life will have incredible ups and excruciating downs. You will live for a summer in London and 8 years in L.A., direct a couple of short films, and you will be as close to bankrupt as a person can get. It will make you stronger but be careful of how you let these things define you. Especially in the romance area, you will have the chance to turn it around. Remember it is never too late. NEVER! It may feel like you are going back to drawing board again, but in reality your view is simply higher up the mountain side. So yeah, Happy Anniversary on your next 20 years, may the next 20 be as enlightening and richly filled as the last 20. 

Fashion, Brutality And Using Our Voices

I've been wanting to write something for a while now. Really about a month or so ago when I read about another county somewhere in this country (Florida I believe) that was in the process of criminalizing the wearing of sagging pants to where you can see their boxers (or shorts). Now, I'm not a fan of the style nor do I need to be really. Whatever my opinion of it is doesn't matter, if this country is indeed about "Freedom" then it should not only be applied to things in which the masses agree with or even understand. The thing that got my goat though was the amount black people I knew championing this effort. As if we needed another reason to incarcerate and villianize our youth. Being that we are in an era where prisons are becoming more and more privatized this seems to me to be a ploy to fill these prisons,  and what better way to do that than criminalize the things that do not fit our decency or sensibility standards. Also as we get older we forget that how we dressed and acted was frowned upon, criticized and mocked by the generations prior to us. We conveniently forget that. We of the early stages of Hip Hop were judged based on the "bad" qualities of the culture and not the beauty that arose out of it. Then when we brought up the good things it was dismissed as an anomaly and not the norm. If you wore a Kangol and Bomber Jacket you were perceived as a drug dealer. We forget that. We forget that we were arrested for break dancing in large crowds. Carrying spray paint and markers was "reason" for a stop and frisk, though we again conveniently forget that. We don't remember the anxiety the sight of a police car caused us, and because we forget we are more willing to condemn and vilify those actions which we consider unlike us.

As I was contemplating these things the killing of Eric Garner happened. Then the killing of  John Crawford III happened. Then Michael Brown happened.  Then Ezell Ford. Which led me to think of Amadou Diallo. Then think of Sean Bell. Then think of  Oscar Grant. Then Jonathan Bell. Then Kimani Gray. I also thought about the countless others that were slain by those sworn to protect and serve them. I thought about the survivors of the brutality, and I prayed for the unjustly convicted. I cringed about my encounters with the police where I could have easily ended up with behind bars. (Thank God for honest people in this world.)  The connection of how we are portrayed and how we are treated is not lost on me. The fact that we have to promote the "good" qualities of the slain, you know the "he was a good father" or he was "getting good grades" discussion . As if simply being a human being isn't a valid enough reason to live. Furthermore, police brutality and "misconduct" DID NOT begin and more than likely will not end with the sagging jeans and boxers showing fashion. That is the undeniable truth for so many of us, that often get dismissed or overlooked.

So as all of this was unfolding in my mind I would log into various social media outlets, and watched a lot of pinned up and frustrations being released. I also noticed a sort of retaliation to those who did not vent, post or say things that others felt they should be posting. I personally do not post a lot of political or social things (on Facebook at least), because I know quite a few people with narrow perspectives (at least from my vantage point) that I'm no longer willing to debate or argue with. Not that we owe anyone a reason for what we do or do not post about. We have gotten in the habit of making judgments about people based only on what we can see. There are many ways to contribute to the discussion. Social media is one. This blog is ONE of mine. Someone else will have theirs. I do urge and  implore anyone that may read this to do something. Find the way you feel most comfortable and do that. Do not let anyone tell you their way is better for YOU. You know yourself better than anyone else and you know how your voice is most effective in this fight. Best believe this is a fight. In 2014 I am very intrigued the group Anonymous and their efforts. As technology advances and companies and governments become more reliant on them, that is where we need to take that fight.  If you hurt someone's ability to function they will be more willing to listen. Actually they may have no choice but to listen. It isn't always an "either or" situation, there are times when all or none of the above works best for you. Find your lane and play that lane well.

Rome

Maybe Rome WAS built in a day
They could’ve woke up one day and said “let’s build this sh*t TODAY!”
And everybody chipped in…
#justsaying

Karma

Reckless Abandonment and Guarded Insecurities
Emotional Roller Coaster with Volcanic Silence
Fear was the Cause
Loneliness is the Effect

If Teaser

A little teaser from our upcoming short...

ornana’s Jim Cummings on How To Make a Short Film and Get It Seen | Filmmaker Magazine

ornana’s Jim Cummings on How To Make a Short Film and Get It Seen | Filmmaker Magazine

Monday Morning Musings 3/3/14 Edition

Monday Morning Musings 2-24 Edition

Activism In This Day And Age

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is activism, or more appropriately what makes some one an activist in this age of social media. I see the word bandied around a lot on some social media circles, and it had me wondering what it really means nowadays.

Happy Late New Year!

Broken

Sometimes we are on such a mission to improve what is “broken” with ourselves, that we forget to just Be and Accept…