Family

"Family is a mixed blessing. You're glad to have one, but it's also like receiving a life sentence for a crime you didn't commit."

I've been reflecting a lot lately about my family. I have not been home in a bit, and I am starting to feel the void of not seeing them face to face. I appreciate the Cali fam I have here and they definitely add a real value to my life, but some times as Dorothy said, "there is no place like home." I've said before that I don't think I can live in Philly anymore, and I still feel that way. I also think that me not living there helps to make my visits special. We realize that we don't have a lot of "time", so we don't waste time arguing...or should I say arguing as much... Yeah definitely time to make a visit.

I come from a pretty big family. My mom was the youngest of 13 children, and most of them had multiple children and they had multiple children and so on. So the diverseness and uniqueness of my aunts, uncles and cousins is pretty fascinating. They range from ministers to hustlers and everything in between. The stories I have and the things I've learned are things for sitcom and drama all rapped up into one. The love I have for all of my family is not always easily put into words, but it is undeniable in my heart and soul. The love they have for me is equally undeniable even when it is not always spoken with words...Actions most times do speak louder than words...

Hodgepodge

"They say the goodness in life belongs to those who believe. So, I believe..." - Mos Def

Been having a lot on my mind today. Bouncing around thoughts, ideas, dreams and everything in between. Thought a lot about my family structure how we interact with each other, how I am distant from them and more importantly why. Been psyched about the next project I wanna shoot, and all kind of creative ideas that inspire me. Been pondering the notion of support and how we can support each other in our dreams for our lives. Social networking is cool, and facebook in particular has re-connected and connected me in ways that are beyond phenomenal. But in the same token it has allowed me to not pick up the phone, to not say hello, to not drive up to my friends house and just give them a hug and it has helped to build a greater distance between me and those I care about(of course the ultimate responsibility falls back on me). Nothing changes if nothing changes. So tomorrow I will begin to reach out to someone via phone. Anyone, I will pick up the phone and just say hello, how are you? Yadda Yadda Blah blah...

So as a child I cried a lot. I was told countless times that I was "over" or "too" emotional...especially for a boy...ya know? So started the drilling about manhood and all that crap... never really dug telling someone they are overly this or too that...who and what determines what is the proper amount of whatever. Anyway I digress, I've begun to tear down the walls of separation between me and my creativity, my compassion and my emotions. They are all interconnected. It is great to feel and share those feelings. Whining is something different though... Haha... Anywho, that was just some of what has been goings on in my head today. All in all it is and was a great day.

Laughter...

"Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine' never had gonorrhea"...My Name Is Earl

I love to laugh! I feel at my best when I have a smile on my face and laughter in my heart. I love when folks around me are laughing with me. Growing up I was a huge fan of Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby. I read Richard Pryor's autobiography a few years back and it is one of my favorite books of all time period. One of the things that really stood out to me when he said the world has enough to cry about and he wants to give them something to laugh about. That statement resonates with me. With so much anguish going on in the world to bring some hope through laughter and compassion is one of the purposes of my art. Mean Spirited "humor" never moves me. It is too easy, but to each their own. Ya know?

So yeah, I don't feel like I have been laughing as much as I would like as of late. Like belly aching, crying and snotting laughter. Been taking me more serious than I need to. I take the things I believe in seriously but I don't really like to take me seriously. I've done serious work and will continue to volunteer etc., but one of the things that I enjoy about the organizations I've been blessed to be a part of is their willingness to embrace humor in their daily work. Maybe it is what keeps them sane and going on...laughing to keep from crying. So yeah, it's time to implement more laughter back into my daily diet.

Saying Yes

So today I've been thinking about saying yes and what it is I am saying yes to. I am learning that the Universe responds to our proclaiming Yes to a certain situation or scenario, that we activate our fullest potential by saying Yes and being in agreement with and aligning our thoughts with our highest good. I get that. What came across me today is saying yes when it doesn't suit me. When I say yes because a little is better than none. I feel that I've on one or two occasions as of late said yes just to fill a void as opposed to really wanting or needing that particular thing in my Life. Today the question arose in my mind...Is saying Yes to that which doesn't serve me (and God) tantamount to saying No to my calling or whatever?

I believe having a little has enabled me to procrastinate from going for my Lot. Ya know? Because I have something to keep me occupied for the time being and it may not be bad at all, but it is not what or where I am supposed to be. I am impulsive and want to "succeed" so badly that I don't allow things to play out (I mentioned that before), and I sometimes forget to just breathe and pause before I move.

Honesty is the Best Policy

And it starts at home...Asking questions of mySelf to get to the place I want to be. Before I can speak the/my "truth" to anyone else I must know what it is to me. Define what makes me happy, sad, angry, ecstatic, moody, or whatever. Before I can articulate anything to anyone else I must have a firm understanding of that thing mySelf. Of course Life is an ever evolving process and that is when honesty is most necessary, because if and when I see the changes happening I can just simply be still and gain an understanding of it all(hopefully). Or at least be honest enough with mySelf to say I am confused in this moment and will get back to me when I have an answer...

A personal truth is that I am still resistant to relinquishing control, and just allowing Life to flow through me. I still want to know what the "end result" will be instead of just accepting It as is and enjoying the ride. My next step is simply being still and not stepping or trying, but just being still and allowing...moving out of my comfort zone, and trusting mySelf more and more...

...Consistancy

So Yeah... roommate starts fire on Thursday night as I mentioned before...right! no anger or frustration directed at him from anyone involved...Fast Forward Saturday... I have been crashing out over my buddy's crib because the smoke has been waay to powerful, but I come during the day to grab certain things and blah blah blah...yeah... so I see my roommate when I get here and he is like "um yeah...they won't be fixing the kitchen on Saturday because of the holiday. So annoying." So I just look at him and keep it moving, grab what I need and bounce out. Come by on Sunday and he has his date here as they get ready to go to the Golden Globes after party or whatever...cool... the smell is dying down, but I figure I will give it one more day then I'll come back. Sooooo yesterday I come home and he's here of course, and he again states that enough is enough they need to get over here and fix the kitchen (that he caused mind you) or he would be on the phone first thing in the morning. I kindly say something to the effect of whatever I said...it's not important, but then I am starting to get annoyed not that he started this but unwillingness to reciprocate the compassion and understanding that has gone out to him....

Then It dawned on me! I cannot stop being compassionate and forgiving to someone just because they do not APPEAR to appreciate it, or seem to be deserving. It has nothing to do with the other person at all...It is about the character that I choose to display and more importantly carry. I Am who God says I AM... continuing to live from the higher Self.

Expectations...Life

'I take care of my kids.' You supposed to you dumb mutha fucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that! 'I ain't never been to jail!'What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail you low expectation-having motherfucker!- Chris Rock


Maaaan....I've learned a lot about myself in the last few days. This post was started (in my mind) on Thursday... Thursday started with me about to pat myself on the back for doing some shit I should have done. That is what led me to the Chris Rock quote. I am supposed to be compassionate, I am supposed to be caring, I am supposed to Love unconditionally... So I came to this conclusion while at work Thursday evening.

Then Bam!

I get home on Thursday and I see a big truck outside of my apartment complex when I get home. It is bigger than a pick up truck but smaller than a UPS truck...hmmmm... as I drive by it I see Fire Dept. on the side, and I see a big pile of charred things next to it. I say to myself wow...someone's place could have caught on fire, I instantly say a quiet prayer for them. I see my roommates car parked near the rubble parked kind of awkward but his parking sucks anyway. I parked my car and I walked to my building and I realize that there was a fire and it was in my building. Then as I walk up the stairs...it was my apartment...I see my roommate and I ask what happened and he said it was in the kitchen and it was electrical...He gets another call at that moment from our building manager and it turns out that it was not electrical but that he left a pot on the stove...wow...he was extremely apologetic for the next 2 hours or so that we were sorting through things...then he turns and asks me if I was angry and he would understand if I was...and I can say today and then that not one ounce of anger was in my body...none...no resentment, no frustration nothing but compassion...


At some point it dawned on me, I am the man I've always wanted to be. The compassion, the caring, the spirituality it is me already. I just chose to not look that, but focus on my faults. Our truest character arises when times of hardship and when everything may not be all roses...We practice that for times like this. My Life is Blessed. I have amazing people and things in my Life, and God has Blessed me with endless talents and gifts. I shouldn't expect mediocrity out of myself. My expectations of mySelf should be high. To whom much is given much is expected. I expecting and delivering much of mySelf. And So It Is.

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The End!

I Am An Artist!

So today strangely enough I thought of this movie Trial and Error with Michael Richard(Kramer) and Jeff Daniels. It was a cute romantic comedy about an actor posing as a trial lawyer...yack yack yack...anywho, towards the end of the movie Michael Richards made the declaration that he is an actor...whether he was "only" auditioning or taking a class or doing a showcase he was an actor. It was a pretty fly moment in the movie for me. To make a declaration about who you are for the world to see, not that is has to be about the world of course, but it adds a certain self accountability to the mix. It also gets the Universe moving in your direction. You have placed the order and now the "meal" can come. I am an artist!

There was another diatribe about to surface but really it would only belabor the most important point I Am An Artist. Nothing else needs to be said.

Um...Faith? Love?

I just returned from a good friend of mines wedding reception, and it was an amazingly beautiful affair. I truly felt the love that they have for each other and was equally blessed to be apart of the the festivities. I enjoy watching couples celebrate their love for one another and the different ways that it manifests itself in their relationships. I am always eager to hear the stories of how people met and when how they came to that place of Loving each other and knowing they had met "The One"...The only common thread is that there is no common thread. Some stories are filled with highs and lows that would make for the dopest Hollywood film and other are very methodical and planned out but just as beautiful as the next.

This wedding was different for me because I didn't wonder when my turn would come, but I just enjoyed the moment for them and with them. For so long relationships have been my Achilles Heel (one of the two...ha)! I truly over thought things when it came to them and would break out or do some crazy shit to sabotage the relationship. Recently I have had different revelations about myself and my capacity to truly give of myself. I've stopped the blame game and am stopping throwing myself pity parties...In my mind I reeked of desperation, and was ready to make some unwise choices because of that. As I delve deeper into my spiritual practices things are starting to make sense to me...Everything is interconnected...Faith in finances will give me faith in Love and vice versa...Faith is faith...period...I have it and trust in God to provide what is needed when it is needed...In every area...No need to force it...It is happening...