Enough To Go Around

Little know fact about me...I can be competitive to a fault. I want to be THE ONE...whatever that means at a certain time...I wanna be "on top"...I realized this a few years back and pretty much had it in check. I was and am willing to celebrate the achievements and goals of my friends. I definitely wanted (and want) to see friends (non friends too) do well, but that part of me would keep rearing its head. What about me? When I'm gonna get mine? Etc. yadda yadda... anywho... I've started to wonder why that really was and is. Why do I feel the need to compete directly or indirectly? It could be that I am focusing so much time and energy on what I don't have (or think that I don't have) that what others seem to have is more appealing to me. The grass appears to be greener on the other side.

Consciously I am very happy when friends (I get it really bad if I'm just alright with you) book a gig, get engaged a better job or whatever, and it is not as if I want them to not have IT. I just want mine as well...ha... Just maybe a little different to suite my personal goals and ambitions.

But yeah...

I was gonna write some ole cool Sh*t to not make myself bad about having a case of the envies, but it is what it is ya know... I had it recognized it as a feeling that didn't sit well with me, so I got it off my chest and am moving on. No after school specials over here. Every once in awhile I get so consumed about how I appear to others that I just forget about just being me.
Yeah...

Procrastination

"Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses." - George Washington Carver

Yeah so I been medicating myself with TV for the last week or two, kind of procrastinating on the editing of Casual Friday. I know I'll get to it and soon, but then the what ifs keeps popping into my head. What if it isn't the film I wanted to make? What if it sucks? What if? What if? What if? Now deep down I don't believe it will suck or any of the other what ifs, but they can still make you pause. When I sought out advice I went to folks who would feed my fears...Yeah...even though I know better I don't always do better... So now I am back on track...not gonna say I ain't nervous about it, but I ain't letting it slow my roll...

The last few months have been a real experience the things I've feared most have been manifesting them into my Life. It ain't about blame it's about change(improving). Changing my habits and thoughts. Being more consistent and holding mySelf accountable to me...right...A part of me still seeks approval from outside sources to validate my gifts and talents...Yeah...recognition is important and now I will let it go and get my focus back on where I am going...

Trust. Love. Faith.

The Isolationist

I noticed this morning that I was doing it again. I was putting up my emotional force field again. I was protecting myself from what I deem the inevitable and throwing up false alerts to warn me of imminent danger. I realize it is all in my mind and an excuse I have relied on all to often.

My isolation are rarely of the physical kind(well maybe they are) but more on the emotional nature. I am there in physical form but not nearly like I should be to receive the very thing that I am blocking myself from.

I hide behind the belief system that was instilled in me long ago...things like you can't have it all and it'll never last or it is too good to be true. Now that I know differently I have to respond differently. Act(believe) accordingly for my desired results to be revealed.

Yeah...

So what I am saying is I need to be open to experience multiple forms of blessings simultaneously if you will. My creative pursuits don't have to stagnate my personal pursuits and vice versa... I keep putting an either or ultimatum on myself when it is more than possible for it all to coexist and be beautiful and readily available. While doing away with the empty calorie way of living. Doing a lot just to say I am but not showing or feeling anything internally for my efforts.

The beauty in all this is recognition. Now that I recognize what is happening I can change it, improve it or whatever is necessary.

Flowing

I woke up this morning with an urge to write something...just and urge to vent or flow, but to let something out. I do not know really what to say...honestly...not like I don't have a plethora of topics I could write about...yeah...hmmm...even within all the good I continue to sometime allow my focus to wander away from the things that make me feel good...no feel alive...I get caught in the muddle of what could be "better" and all that jazz, even though I know I am where I am supposed to be doing what I love to do...creating...

Freedom has been a big thing for me...freedom to do what I want, when I want. I was told that with freedom comes responsibility and that even with freedom comes a discipline necessary...I see that now freedom is not merely about a physical thing(like work etc.) but a much greater form of existence...it is knowing when to make a choice and why you are making that choice...and how to choose. Yeah...

I am excited to be wrapping up Casual Friday this weekend. It is the perfect length for my first time directing and I am excited to get it edited, but more importantly I am enjoying the journey. I am enjoying the "potholes" that came along the path and I am enjoying the people who have lent themselves to the project. Directly or indirectly. Listening to me cry when I thought it would not be made...or laughing with me when I would think of a new line to put in there. I am grateful.

Creating Something

So, I got up this morning and went hiking for the first time in a long while, and it felt pretty good. Good to get the body in motion first thing in the morning, and more importantly it was very good to get thoughts and ideas percolating. Yeah, I am not one to give myself credit for much that I do most of the time I feel like I am just doing what is required of me and am not doing anything special per se. But finishing up my first shoot day of Casual Friday was clearly motivating for me. I got through it, and it felt amazing. To be directing a set of more than one or two people simply felt very natural for me. I knew that I belonged! I learned a lot, but I also recognize that I have so much more to learn about the process.

I have tended to shy away from the technical aspects of being an artist. Putting more of an emphasis on feeling and instinct and all of that, but this man there is so much technical stuff that also goes into lighting and sound that I have to learn and I am not willing to shy away from that. I am embracing this part because I need my films to be good. To look good. To sound good. To be great even. I want the audience to have an experience that is beyond enjoyable so I have to enjoy making, and I did. I am excited for my next shoot date this Sunday. I am excited to get to editing it. I am invigorated by the whole process. It is moving me in unspeakable ways. I still love the other art forms that have gotten me to this place today and I will continue to pursue them passionately but this right here may just be the One.