"And when the topic is topicless, then I'm writing the apocalypse." Rakim
Today Rev. Michael talked briefly about the world around us about to crumble. In substance he was talking about the political and financial systems as we know it, and how it was necessary for something beautiful to be re-birthed. I personally connected to this idea because so many of the things I had hoped for are crumbling around me and it was easy for me to get in a rut and not see the beauty also being birthed. In times of "despair" it is real easy to get enthralled in the appearance of lack and limitation, and because like attracts like more of that dominant thought then appears and a cycle begins. Then I put up a resistance to what is happening what just in turn fans the flames and now a blaze of negativity is overwhelming my psyche and I am just about ready to explode! Yeah...plus I am dramatic to boot so I wig out pretty easily when these occurrences happen.
Recognition is the key...
There is a quote about water that in essence says it is the most powerful force because it offers no resistance...the is more to the quote but for me the important this is to stop resisting and give the thoughts and energy nothing to resist and fight against. Non-resistance has also been a theme as of late. The messages are there I have been just so caught up in stuff to recognize them. Life is really about choices. I am sooooo good at motivating others when they are "down", but rarely do I follow or practice what I preach. So now I choose to direct that inspirational motivating energy inward. Having those daily Conversations With God and Self, and seeing the beauty being birthed right Now. The dream is only as far off as I allow it to be.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Fed Up
“The Democrats think Republicans are stealing elections. The Republicans think Democrats are stealing elections. And those of us independent of the two old parties know they are both right.” Kevin Zeese
So here we go again, another election cycle has come and gone and the pre and post rhetoric sounds just about the same to me. We keep hearing about how this demographic want "their country" back and how fed up they are with the party in power; only to give "power" back to the other party who was just as equally(or more) jacked up in the first place. We then hear promises of how this party will now rescind the agenda of the last party to appease the will of their constituents which inevitably will then piss of other constituents who will then come out to vote and the whole ugly(and sometime useless) cycle will repeat itself once again.
Yeah...
The voter turnout yesterday was 42%! WTF! How can we celebrate anything when well over half the country has been so turned off by the process that they don't care. In 2008 the voter turnout (which was considered extremely high) was 56.8%...seriously! Since 1960 only Poland and Switzerland have a lower turnout among "developed nations". There are many factors that go into this equation other than voter apathy, like the fact that some other country hold their elections on weekends and some over a 2 day period to make sure voters get out. Which brings up the question, why won't we move our elections to better accommodate the working class voters who may not be able to get to a polling place easily on a Tuesday? The conspiracy theorist in me believes because they don't want them involved in the process, but I am sure there is another valid "reason".
Anywho...
So yes I too am pissed and fed up. I am fed up with a broken system that people refuse to acknowledge is broken. I am fed up with people doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I am fed up with a system that ignores the working poor and "underprivileged". I am fed up with a system that has allowed its school systems to erode to ridiculous lows. I am fed up with a media that ignores any independent candidate who doesn't dress funny and come up with outlandish(albeit true and hilarious) slogans. I am fed up with candidates who won't tell you what they stand for, but instead pay millions on negative attacks ads! I am fed up that I will have to more than likely go through this same scenario in another 2 or 4 years! I am fed up that our education system will continue to erode, those who need work will continue to need work. I am fed up and resigned to the fact that it will only get worse before it gets better.
So here we go again, another election cycle has come and gone and the pre and post rhetoric sounds just about the same to me. We keep hearing about how this demographic want "their country" back and how fed up they are with the party in power; only to give "power" back to the other party who was just as equally(or more) jacked up in the first place. We then hear promises of how this party will now rescind the agenda of the last party to appease the will of their constituents which inevitably will then piss of other constituents who will then come out to vote and the whole ugly(and sometime useless) cycle will repeat itself once again.
Yeah...
The voter turnout yesterday was 42%! WTF! How can we celebrate anything when well over half the country has been so turned off by the process that they don't care. In 2008 the voter turnout (which was considered extremely high) was 56.8%...seriously! Since 1960 only Poland and Switzerland have a lower turnout among "developed nations". There are many factors that go into this equation other than voter apathy, like the fact that some other country hold their elections on weekends and some over a 2 day period to make sure voters get out. Which brings up the question, why won't we move our elections to better accommodate the working class voters who may not be able to get to a polling place easily on a Tuesday? The conspiracy theorist in me believes because they don't want them involved in the process, but I am sure there is another valid "reason".
Anywho...
So yes I too am pissed and fed up. I am fed up with a broken system that people refuse to acknowledge is broken. I am fed up with people doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I am fed up with a system that ignores the working poor and "underprivileged". I am fed up with a system that has allowed its school systems to erode to ridiculous lows. I am fed up with a media that ignores any independent candidate who doesn't dress funny and come up with outlandish(albeit true and hilarious) slogans. I am fed up with candidates who won't tell you what they stand for, but instead pay millions on negative attacks ads! I am fed up that I will have to more than likely go through this same scenario in another 2 or 4 years! I am fed up that our education system will continue to erode, those who need work will continue to need work. I am fed up and resigned to the fact that it will only get worse before it gets better.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I don't Understand
"...Lean not on your own understanding..." Proverbs 3:5
It has been a long minute since I blogged about anything. So much has been goings on the last few months since I have blogged. A lot of ups and downs...starting and stopping, resisting and confronting. The one common ground through that whole time was a lack of trust in the Divine Order. I kept trying to do it myself once again and would get more frustrated each and everytime. It is like I had a shovel and kept digging...refusing to put the damn shovel down because I knew If i dug a little further there would be the answer. My answer was to keep moving...keep it moving...don't stop....and I didn't understand why I was so tired and wore down.
Well last week I had had enough. I was ready to call it a day...change course completely...although I hadn't quite decided what giving up meant. Then a voice came into my head like a parent talking to a child..."are you ready to be still now?" And the answer was and is yes. I don't have to do it alone. I have a vast array of support that starts and ends with God. As Wayne Dyer so eloquently said, "there is a spiritual solution to every problem." The trick for me is being still long enough to ask and receive...
It has been a long minute since I blogged about anything. So much has been goings on the last few months since I have blogged. A lot of ups and downs...starting and stopping, resisting and confronting. The one common ground through that whole time was a lack of trust in the Divine Order. I kept trying to do it myself once again and would get more frustrated each and everytime. It is like I had a shovel and kept digging...refusing to put the damn shovel down because I knew If i dug a little further there would be the answer. My answer was to keep moving...keep it moving...don't stop....and I didn't understand why I was so tired and wore down.
Well last week I had had enough. I was ready to call it a day...change course completely...although I hadn't quite decided what giving up meant. Then a voice came into my head like a parent talking to a child..."are you ready to be still now?" And the answer was and is yes. I don't have to do it alone. I have a vast array of support that starts and ends with God. As Wayne Dyer so eloquently said, "there is a spiritual solution to every problem." The trick for me is being still long enough to ask and receive...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Yep!
We get what we put out, it is an inherent truth that's sometimes hard to swallow. For me at least to recognize and respond accordingly to the Power that lies within was a daunting task. Knowing that I could no longer play the blame game was disappointing. I had it down so well. It was second nature. The flip side of that same coin is that it is a powerful reality to live in and for. Watching it unfold and our lives open up in ways in which we could only Imagine before is a profound testament to the Power The Creator has bestowed upon us.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Better man...
My daily goal is to be a better man than I was the day before. Period. To make stronger choices for myself first and foremost, and then for my immediate and not so immediate community. To not beat myself up if I feel I fall short of that goal. To trust in that Divine Source that dwells within me and is never not there. To simply know that God is good and because of that I am a product of that Goodness. To practice forgiveness until it is a naturally act and not a forced occurrence. To breathe before I (re)act. To learn from days like today and know that my perception affects everything and it is only as bad as I allow it to be. To know that tomorrow is a new chance to practice what I preach. To not give my power away. To pray and meditate. To forgive and live. To love and laugh and be and smile. It is necessary.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Right it out!
I write because it makes me "feel better". I write because I need an outlet to release my frustrations, joys, concerns and epiphanies. I write because it helps to see the words that were once only a thought. I write because the truth sets us free. I write because it helps me to release my fears. I write because it helps. I write to write sometimes simply just because with no particular point in mind. Today is not that day.
As I journey into unknown territory for myself...exploring the inner most reaches of my mind and soul. Stepping out on faith, while taking stock of what matters to me and why. The why is important to me in this next phase, and probably the phase after that as well. I would be lying if I said I knew what is in store for me as I make the changes for the better. I honestly don't know what all of the changes will be. I feel the need and urge to make a plunge. To go for "it" with all my living passion. It is vague to me right at this moment. It could be simple, or it could be drastic. Either way it is necessary. I am not bracing for it, but still preparing for it just the same. Before not knowing would drive me crazy, and yet and still while I am uncomfortable right now, I believe and know Life will work the way it needs to work at the end.
As I journey into unknown territory for myself...exploring the inner most reaches of my mind and soul. Stepping out on faith, while taking stock of what matters to me and why. The why is important to me in this next phase, and probably the phase after that as well. I would be lying if I said I knew what is in store for me as I make the changes for the better. I honestly don't know what all of the changes will be. I feel the need and urge to make a plunge. To go for "it" with all my living passion. It is vague to me right at this moment. It could be simple, or it could be drastic. Either way it is necessary. I am not bracing for it, but still preparing for it just the same. Before not knowing would drive me crazy, and yet and still while I am uncomfortable right now, I believe and know Life will work the way it needs to work at the end.
Friday, June 18, 2010
ShadowBoxing
"It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you..." Rakim
It doesn't seem like a month since I have written here, shared my feelings or experiences, or purged my system. But it has been, and it felt really weird. A lot has been going on most of it good, all of it good actually, some of it just didn't feel great as I was going through it. I was told a while ago that the growing process never ends, that there is always new heights to explore and new parts of ourselves to rediscover. I was resisting that notion. I noticed that I resist a lot those things that make me uncomfortable. My linear mind tells me that there is a catch or it is way to good to be true. The borders and boundaries are built high and wide, and I create excuses for their existence. Inevitably I let them down, but I have been wondering has the good part already evaporated by the time I am ready to indulge in it?
I have been reading a lot about living in the shadows this month in the magazine Science of Mind. It has been talking about hiding things and how they grow in the darkness, and it isn't until you shine the light of truth that they disappear. It had me thinking about my personal experience, and how my manhood and experiences as a man have been largely dictated by what I don't want to be, more so than what it is that I want to be. I have recognized it, and I am correcting it. It is truly important for me to define my life in the affirmative as opposed to the negative. That is the only way for me to achieve those things that allow me to grow, prosper and flourish.
Finally, Casual Friday is 99.4% done, and I am finally excited about finishing my first film. I started something and completed it, and that is huge for me. I can not express how huge that really is for me. Especially since I know this is only the beginning. I am a filmmaker not only in theory, but in practice and in deed. It is done, and I am happy.
It doesn't seem like a month since I have written here, shared my feelings or experiences, or purged my system. But it has been, and it felt really weird. A lot has been going on most of it good, all of it good actually, some of it just didn't feel great as I was going through it. I was told a while ago that the growing process never ends, that there is always new heights to explore and new parts of ourselves to rediscover. I was resisting that notion. I noticed that I resist a lot those things that make me uncomfortable. My linear mind tells me that there is a catch or it is way to good to be true. The borders and boundaries are built high and wide, and I create excuses for their existence. Inevitably I let them down, but I have been wondering has the good part already evaporated by the time I am ready to indulge in it?
I have been reading a lot about living in the shadows this month in the magazine Science of Mind. It has been talking about hiding things and how they grow in the darkness, and it isn't until you shine the light of truth that they disappear. It had me thinking about my personal experience, and how my manhood and experiences as a man have been largely dictated by what I don't want to be, more so than what it is that I want to be. I have recognized it, and I am correcting it. It is truly important for me to define my life in the affirmative as opposed to the negative. That is the only way for me to achieve those things that allow me to grow, prosper and flourish.
Finally, Casual Friday is 99.4% done, and I am finally excited about finishing my first film. I started something and completed it, and that is huge for me. I can not express how huge that really is for me. Especially since I know this is only the beginning. I am a filmmaker not only in theory, but in practice and in deed. It is done, and I am happy.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Approval
I am Mark Benson and I approve of this message.
I approve of me as I am. I approve of me improving. I approve of loving myself unconditionally. I approve of self-acceptance. Today is a new day. I am bound by today and this moment and only this moment. Everything I want, need and desire is available to me Now. It is my choice whether I fret over past choices or live for today and in today. It really isn't rocket science, it is simple even though it isn't always easy. It is complicated by my unwillingness to submit and relinquish control over my emotions and the situations at hand. Or my desire to place blame instead of accepting responsibility. Being accountable for me to me and by me.
Today has been kind of an up and down day. I am feeling the need to change some things in my life, but do not know where or how to begin. I don't believe in bemoaning my lot, so I will just say that there are some changes that are necessary in the areas of job and housing. No need to really go to deep into it, since by goal for today is letting go of yesterday. I realize that I am particular and sometimes quirky, and am beyond fine with that. I like my own space. Not that I am not into sharing or compromising, but somethings to me seem commonsensical. It is what it is though. I can control only what I can control. It is timing and choices meeting up at the right time. My choices and my timing.
Looking to end on a high note. Pick myself up as I go to work and put on my game face on. Ha. I have had much worse jobs and it goes by quickly, but now that I have gotten my feet wet as a filmmaker I am eager and anxious to honestly start making a living out of that. Doing only what I love doing...which for the record is filmmaking, acting, and producing(all types of art). I also enjoy working with youth, but in being honest with myself that is secondary to being an artist. I love...oooops...was about to justify myself for no reason and to no one in particular. So I don't know if this is a high note, but I will end it there.
I approve of me as I am. I approve of me improving. I approve of loving myself unconditionally. I approve of self-acceptance. Today is a new day. I am bound by today and this moment and only this moment. Everything I want, need and desire is available to me Now. It is my choice whether I fret over past choices or live for today and in today. It really isn't rocket science, it is simple even though it isn't always easy. It is complicated by my unwillingness to submit and relinquish control over my emotions and the situations at hand. Or my desire to place blame instead of accepting responsibility. Being accountable for me to me and by me.
Today has been kind of an up and down day. I am feeling the need to change some things in my life, but do not know where or how to begin. I don't believe in bemoaning my lot, so I will just say that there are some changes that are necessary in the areas of job and housing. No need to really go to deep into it, since by goal for today is letting go of yesterday. I realize that I am particular and sometimes quirky, and am beyond fine with that. I like my own space. Not that I am not into sharing or compromising, but somethings to me seem commonsensical. It is what it is though. I can control only what I can control. It is timing and choices meeting up at the right time. My choices and my timing.
Looking to end on a high note. Pick myself up as I go to work and put on my game face on. Ha. I have had much worse jobs and it goes by quickly, but now that I have gotten my feet wet as a filmmaker I am eager and anxious to honestly start making a living out of that. Doing only what I love doing...which for the record is filmmaking, acting, and producing(all types of art). I also enjoy working with youth, but in being honest with myself that is secondary to being an artist. I love...oooops...was about to justify myself for no reason and to no one in particular. So I don't know if this is a high note, but I will end it there.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Growing Pains...Or something like that
Trust
Truth
Love
Hope
Compassion
Honesty
Integrity
Choice
Richness
Silence
Gratitude
Joy
Liberation
Freedom
Fullness
Sentimental
Creativity
Generosity
...
Looking in the mirror I see the reflection of the cracking soul and spiritual stretch marks. I am eager to be something new, different and yes better, but along the way I keep seeming to forget that sometimes time is the only thing that will work. Giving me time to look at myself. Giving myself time to "smell the roses". Giving myself a space to be wrong, to err and to regroup. I see what I am capable of...matter of fact I know what I am capable of and because of that I get frustrated with myself when I don't live up to what I know I could be. I put way too much pressure on myself. I stress over the trivial aspects and the minute details. It is not working for me. There is a gap between what I do and what I should do.
Accountable
Responsible
Trustworthy
Humble
Strong
Sincere
Secure
I often see glimpses of the ideal me, then it fades. The me I know I should be. Doing the good that needs to be done...moving beyond that self absorbed person. Releasing the blame of a past that is long gone and standing fully aware that this moment is truly controllable. The goodness of the moment is not merely chance or a fluke, but it is the way my life should be lived. Daily... Speaking in the affirmative is not something I do often. It has been easier to not commit...to keep my options open and all that jazz, but in the long run(and short one too) I get uncommitted results. Or should I say inconsistent responses from myself, the Universe and every one and thing involved. It is imperative that I be able to assess my progress(or lack thereof) without blaming myself and being harsh when I feel I fall short. Critiquing without being critical is the best way I can think to say it.
Wise
Funny
Eclectic
Passionate
Smiley
Energetic
Powerful
No rhyme or reason necessary. It is what it is. Do my best at any given time, and know that great results will manifest out of it. Don't be afraid that the worse will happen. Enter into it seeing the best results already happening. Speak to myself in an affirmative tone regularly and believe it. Stop the word play and live from a deeper place. Be it. Stop running. Be Still. Have Faith. Envision it. Recognize the inherent beauty that is naturally there. Stop playing small to fit in. Yeah...something like that...no...exactly that. Yes.
Truth
Love
Hope
Compassion
Honesty
Integrity
Choice
Richness
Silence
Gratitude
Joy
Liberation
Freedom
Fullness
Sentimental
Creativity
Generosity
...
Looking in the mirror I see the reflection of the cracking soul and spiritual stretch marks. I am eager to be something new, different and yes better, but along the way I keep seeming to forget that sometimes time is the only thing that will work. Giving me time to look at myself. Giving myself time to "smell the roses". Giving myself a space to be wrong, to err and to regroup. I see what I am capable of...matter of fact I know what I am capable of and because of that I get frustrated with myself when I don't live up to what I know I could be. I put way too much pressure on myself. I stress over the trivial aspects and the minute details. It is not working for me. There is a gap between what I do and what I should do.
Accountable
Responsible
Trustworthy
Humble
Strong
Sincere
Secure
I often see glimpses of the ideal me, then it fades. The me I know I should be. Doing the good that needs to be done...moving beyond that self absorbed person. Releasing the blame of a past that is long gone and standing fully aware that this moment is truly controllable. The goodness of the moment is not merely chance or a fluke, but it is the way my life should be lived. Daily... Speaking in the affirmative is not something I do often. It has been easier to not commit...to keep my options open and all that jazz, but in the long run(and short one too) I get uncommitted results. Or should I say inconsistent responses from myself, the Universe and every one and thing involved. It is imperative that I be able to assess my progress(or lack thereof) without blaming myself and being harsh when I feel I fall short. Critiquing without being critical is the best way I can think to say it.
Wise
Funny
Eclectic
Passionate
Smiley
Energetic
Powerful
No rhyme or reason necessary. It is what it is. Do my best at any given time, and know that great results will manifest out of it. Don't be afraid that the worse will happen. Enter into it seeing the best results already happening. Speak to myself in an affirmative tone regularly and believe it. Stop the word play and live from a deeper place. Be it. Stop running. Be Still. Have Faith. Envision it. Recognize the inherent beauty that is naturally there. Stop playing small to fit in. Yeah...something like that...no...exactly that. Yes.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
Yvonne Benson, MY MOM! She left the physical world 5/31/1986, and yeah I have spoken about it but never really talking about the impact she had on me. I kind of put up a shield or a guard and spoke about her in vagueness. Yeah, I have and will always Love my Mother. It is because of her allowing me to be me and feel things(I cried alot as a young child) that I am as creative and compassionate (and all the other qualities I admire in me) as I am today. Yvonne Benson had/has a strong personality and people understood her point of view on things very clearly from the first moment they met her. But she raised me very differently, she raised me to care about things outwardly(she cared a lot but kept it bottled in) and to understand that being a Man was not all about being macho and a rah rah attitude. I was told to listen, pay attention, and to think for myself. She told me she would always have my back if I was right, and I believe that to this day! She still has my back. She also told me that if she had my back and I mislead her she would not go easy on me either. And she didn't, but now I have integrity because of that. I am a stronger Man, a better Human Being and a productive Citizen because of her. My Mom had a crazy sense of style and people really dug that about her. She didn't believe in copying others and looked to be The Original at all times. She had me understand that sometime it was ok to stand alone. Don't always follow the pack is what she said time and time again. I remember when I was about 10 or 11 , if that, she went to the hair dresser and came home with her colored Plum. I thought it was purple but she corrected me and everyone else who got it wrong. Yeah she did her on thing even way back then, and the is why I am not afraid to do mine! I am truly thankful and grateful for the Man that I am and the lion's share of the credit goes to Yvonne Benson.
Mom, your Wease(one of her many names for me) is doing better than okay and on this day and every day I thank You for that. I love you
Mom, your Wease(one of her many names for me) is doing better than okay and on this day and every day I thank You for that. I love you
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Comfort Zone
Comfort is what you have when God gives you the victory. Then, you can pass it on to others." ~Raye Adkins
Fear is corruptible. I like me. I love me actually. That is an important thing for me to remember. I sometimes give my power away! I give other outside sources more credit than I give myself. I underestimate my own power and self worth. This particular time it is a job that I am falling prey too. It is consuming me, and it is not something I like. It is important for me to realize where my strength lies. It is in my creativity. My true strength is in my art. That is my purpose and that is where my attention has to remain. Everything else is transient. Actually everything is transient. We are always evolving and the same way something or someone comes into my Life in Diving Timing it will continuously happen when I am centered in Spirit. Now that is where my unmovable strength truly resides. In Spirit! The only thing that is not temporary in my Life. Spirit.
Happiness is key. Joy is what I am seeking. Expanding my self in ways that seemed improbable merely a few weeks ago. Releasing that fear that stopped me from claiming the desires of my heart. Love, Career, Family etc. Taking a moment to breathe and center myself. Picturing the goodness that is available to me and in me. Being comfortable in discomfort. Yeah I don't know. It all seems so simple some days, and then others days it feels like solving some algebraic equation. Most days I have more questions than answers and I am cool with that, but there are times when I just want to know. I wanna know what the future holds for me. I just wanna know when it will all jump off. I wanna, I wanna I wanna...this is when it is important for me to remember the things I always seem to forget. God knows and I need to trust in It more. Meditate and pray more. Continue to give and live freely. To not worry about tomorrow, but to enjoy today and bask in the glory of It all right now. I am blessed.
Fear is corruptible. I like me. I love me actually. That is an important thing for me to remember. I sometimes give my power away! I give other outside sources more credit than I give myself. I underestimate my own power and self worth. This particular time it is a job that I am falling prey too. It is consuming me, and it is not something I like. It is important for me to realize where my strength lies. It is in my creativity. My true strength is in my art. That is my purpose and that is where my attention has to remain. Everything else is transient. Actually everything is transient. We are always evolving and the same way something or someone comes into my Life in Diving Timing it will continuously happen when I am centered in Spirit. Now that is where my unmovable strength truly resides. In Spirit! The only thing that is not temporary in my Life. Spirit.
Happiness is key. Joy is what I am seeking. Expanding my self in ways that seemed improbable merely a few weeks ago. Releasing that fear that stopped me from claiming the desires of my heart. Love, Career, Family etc. Taking a moment to breathe and center myself. Picturing the goodness that is available to me and in me. Being comfortable in discomfort. Yeah I don't know. It all seems so simple some days, and then others days it feels like solving some algebraic equation. Most days I have more questions than answers and I am cool with that, but there are times when I just want to know. I wanna know what the future holds for me. I just wanna know when it will all jump off. I wanna, I wanna I wanna...this is when it is important for me to remember the things I always seem to forget. God knows and I need to trust in It more. Meditate and pray more. Continue to give and live freely. To not worry about tomorrow, but to enjoy today and bask in the glory of It all right now. I am blessed.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Perceptions
We grow and we change. The very things that seemed so very clear can become muddled and mired in an instance. We resist that change and try to hold on to that feeling that invigorated us sooooo much. Life goes on though, and we do ourselves a disservice by attempting to recreate a past that has moved on. I have noticed my resistance lately. It has manifested itself once again in the form of another person in my life. I have said before I am magnificent at giving advice, but receiving advice...well whoa... I got this. I have been better at not giving my opinion lately, after all is just my opinion and at the end of the day it only matters to me(if you get what I'm saying). But my friend kept asking me what I thought and for everything I said there was a level of resistance. As I was about to get annoyed I took a pause to do a quick internal check. Why is this bothering me? In what part of my Life is this relevant? I noticed that I am resistant to a few things right now, especially when I think someone is trying to "change me". I can be strong willed and yet comfortable with my routine. I do no mind change just on my own terms(ha), and I put up strong resistance when I feel something being "forced" upon me. So it is important for me to be more flexible and less controlling was the lesson that immediately came to me. I am sure the deeper meaning will also be revealed as well.
This was going somewhere totally different when I started it, but the necessity of the moment was more about a recognition of an issue that was dominating my thoughts. When this blog started it was about sharing a journey, my journey, to a better me. For better or for worse I decided to look at my thoughts and how they affect my life and make some changes. The changes have not been as drastic as I thought they would be, but they are happening. Someone told me that the key to patience is to do something else while you wait. I was not doing anything else. I was looking at the proverbial clock on the wall patting my foot and waiting to be a better person. Well there were a couple issues that came about from that approach. One and most importantly there was no acknowledgment of the person I am and the goodness that already exist. In essence I wasn't grateful for who I was(Am)...I acted like I needed to start from scratch and be a whole new me. Which was and is not the case. My purpose was and is to align my thoughts to my actions to live a more complete life. Secondly while I was waiting absolutely nothing was getting done. I don't really know what else to say about that one to be honest.
So anywho, I am trying to figure out a way to wrap this up since I don't know what it had to do with perceptions at all. Unless it is the way I am perceiving myself and the things around me. Or growth is all about perception?
This was going somewhere totally different when I started it, but the necessity of the moment was more about a recognition of an issue that was dominating my thoughts. When this blog started it was about sharing a journey, my journey, to a better me. For better or for worse I decided to look at my thoughts and how they affect my life and make some changes. The changes have not been as drastic as I thought they would be, but they are happening. Someone told me that the key to patience is to do something else while you wait. I was not doing anything else. I was looking at the proverbial clock on the wall patting my foot and waiting to be a better person. Well there were a couple issues that came about from that approach. One and most importantly there was no acknowledgment of the person I am and the goodness that already exist. In essence I wasn't grateful for who I was(Am)...I acted like I needed to start from scratch and be a whole new me. Which was and is not the case. My purpose was and is to align my thoughts to my actions to live a more complete life. Secondly while I was waiting absolutely nothing was getting done. I don't really know what else to say about that one to be honest.
So anywho, I am trying to figure out a way to wrap this up since I don't know what it had to do with perceptions at all. Unless it is the way I am perceiving myself and the things around me. Or growth is all about perception?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Who Am I?
"We don't attract what we want, we attract who we are." Various Authors
When I first heard that quote I was indeed intimidated. I was in a "bad" place and I felt like they were telling me I was a "bad" person. What??? Come on Son...I got judgmental and defensive. At that moment I caught myself. I am soooooo good at telling folks how to "correct their situation", but the moment someone has something for me to grow on I shut it down. I get the know it all syndrome. This was important for me because I was attracting a lot of "know it all" people in my life that I felt were making my situation worse rather than better...Yeah... so I knew then what I am forgetting now, that when times of trials and tribulations come along it is not the outside source that needs to be changed...
I am growing, and I don't want to stop growing. I am not content, but I am not dissatisfied either. I am happy with what I have, but I know I am capable of so much more. It sounded (sounds) like a contradiction when I first thought of it, but it is ever so clear to me right now. I am happy with where I am on this journey, but I know the journey is far from complete.
Who I am, changes just as it remains the same. At the core of my soul I am already the goodness that I am seeking...the harmony, peace, prosperity etc...It has shown itself in a myriad of different ways and different times(daily it seems). Sometimes it gets to me actually because I want that normalcy or consistency that I am taught I should have, but I realize or am coming to realize that this is my normalcy and it will go smoother if I stop attempting to fit it into a box that someone else has handed me. Get rid of the box! It ain't me.
When I first heard that quote I was indeed intimidated. I was in a "bad" place and I felt like they were telling me I was a "bad" person. What??? Come on Son...I got judgmental and defensive. At that moment I caught myself. I am soooooo good at telling folks how to "correct their situation", but the moment someone has something for me to grow on I shut it down. I get the know it all syndrome. This was important for me because I was attracting a lot of "know it all" people in my life that I felt were making my situation worse rather than better...Yeah... so I knew then what I am forgetting now, that when times of trials and tribulations come along it is not the outside source that needs to be changed...
I am growing, and I don't want to stop growing. I am not content, but I am not dissatisfied either. I am happy with what I have, but I know I am capable of so much more. It sounded (sounds) like a contradiction when I first thought of it, but it is ever so clear to me right now. I am happy with where I am on this journey, but I know the journey is far from complete.
Who I am, changes just as it remains the same. At the core of my soul I am already the goodness that I am seeking...the harmony, peace, prosperity etc...It has shown itself in a myriad of different ways and different times(daily it seems). Sometimes it gets to me actually because I want that normalcy or consistency that I am taught I should have, but I realize or am coming to realize that this is my normalcy and it will go smoother if I stop attempting to fit it into a box that someone else has handed me. Get rid of the box! It ain't me.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Weird Place
A lot of great things are unfolding in my life right now. It feels good, for the most part that is. As I step into uncharted territory in my life there is an uneasiness happening. It is like the first time I got behind the wheel of a car and realized how much power is in my hands at that moment. I feel that way now. I have so much power at my disposal through my thoughts, and how I perceive things and events. Right Thought and Right Action are a powerfully magnetic combination. The key for me now is remembering the purpose in it all, and not getting complacent because something feels good. I can appreciate what I am receiving and still understand that better things are still in the horizon.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Adendum...Be about it
"Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times you gotta call it up and invite it over for tea." Fred G. Sanford
I am tired of talking about it. As my Grandma would say to me often, "piss or get off of the pot." It is done. I am doing It. I am free of the past. I am clinging to nothing that held me stagnant. I was purging this morning and the same song was about to pop up again. And a voice inside of me I have rarely if ever heard before proclaimed..."Enough"...and so it is. Enough. I am good. I am clear. I am free.
Today is a good day.
I am tired of talking about it. As my Grandma would say to me often, "piss or get off of the pot." It is done. I am doing It. I am free of the past. I am clinging to nothing that held me stagnant. I was purging this morning and the same song was about to pop up again. And a voice inside of me I have rarely if ever heard before proclaimed..."Enough"...and so it is. Enough. I am good. I am clear. I am free.
Today is a good day.
The Truth
The truth is most days I don't know. I don't know what I am going to do that day, I don't know how things will turn out or how I will feel moment to moment. I have been uncertain and insecure. I have wallowed in self-pity and self-indulged in practices that have been extremely unproductive and unhealthy. I have hoped when I should have believed and believed when I should have let it go. I am learning and growing. Expecting and expanding. Some days it hurts, the old me was cute and comfortable. I said cute shit and people patted me on the back. The show was good... Ma look no hands...
I didn't like me...I tolerated me...I laughed at me instead of with me. I was chasing and not allowing. I was forcing and not engaging. I want something different for mySelf. I need something different. I Am something different. It is just a matter of when will I recognized it, and embrace it... purely and consistently...
I didn't like me...I tolerated me...I laughed at me instead of with me. I was chasing and not allowing. I was forcing and not engaging. I want something different for mySelf. I need something different. I Am something different. It is just a matter of when will I recognized it, and embrace it... purely and consistently...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Zoom....
How I been feeling today, and yesterday...
Zoom lyrics
Lionel Richie
I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don't care
'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere
I'm searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I've never seen
Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream
Dream my dream
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind is fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be
I'd like the greet the sun each morning
And walk amongst the stars at night
I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life
Well I've shared so many pains
And I've played so many games
But everyone finds the right way
Somehow
Somewhere
Someday
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'll find the love that I long to see
People can be what they wanna be
I wish the world were truly happy
Living as one
I wish the word they call freedom someday would come
Someday would come
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Everybody can be what they wanna be
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
You and me, baby
Walking free
Don't you wanna go?
Don't you wanna go?
So I will...
Zoom lyrics
Lionel Richie
I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don't care
'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere
I'm searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I've never seen
Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream
Dream my dream
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind is fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be
I'd like the greet the sun each morning
And walk amongst the stars at night
I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life
Well I've shared so many pains
And I've played so many games
But everyone finds the right way
Somehow
Somewhere
Someday
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'll find the love that I long to see
People can be what they wanna be
I wish the world were truly happy
Living as one
I wish the word they call freedom someday would come
Someday would come
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Everybody can be what they wanna be
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
You and me, baby
Walking free
Don't you wanna go?
Don't you wanna go?
So I will...
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Faith
Faith is evidently very key to this process of growth. The question that arose in me today is, what am I placing my faith in. Am I relying on strictly blind faith or am I clear in my intentions and where I am placing my faith? These are the questions that have been on my mind and to be quite honest my thought process is not always that clear on where and what I am placing my faith in. I am hoping more than knowing or/and believing. Wishing something good would happen instead of making(allowing)good things to happen.
Right Action.
Right Thought.
Right Now.
Right Action.
Right Thought.
Right Now.
Letting E-go
Ego is a helluva drug! We sometimes go into something with the greatest of intentions, but along the way our ego interferes. What seemed like a very good idea then becomes mangled and matted down...we don't see clearly the objective so our perspective becomes subjective...ha...I rhymed...not intentionally though...anywho...letting go of my agenda for the greater cause and having vision beyond what is seen is my purpose or/and goal. Remembering why I am here and what made me stay. My love and my passion. My desire to be more than I was when I arrived and to share some parts of me(eventually arriving at the whole of me) along the way. Letting my Life be a testimony of my principles and beliefs. Living a Truth that is beyond any other...Yeah...keeping my eye on that prize...
I needed to vent, but instead I prayed...worked out much better in the long run
I needed to vent, but instead I prayed...worked out much better in the long run
Monday, April 5, 2010
Repitition
Over the last year when doing the blogs. I often worried about sounding like a broken record repeating the same thing over and over again, or going back and forth yelling "I am healed" followed by "sike, not quite". But the reality of it is that when you've been conditioned to think a certain way. There may be relapses into what was once comfortable. I cannot worry about being perfect in this journey. It is more important to me to be real and honest. There are definite things about myself that I need to change, not only change but to improve on is more accurate. Change can mean a lot of different things, all of them not good. Improvement is what it is. It is necessary for me right now. I am committed to being that which I seek. I committed to being it Now. Daily.
I am better than okay.
I am better than good.
I am better than I am giving myself "credit" for.
I remember the very first time I stepped into Agape. Rev Michael was not there that day. The speaker was Bro. Ishmael Tetteh. He received a glowing introduction, and when he got up he responded by saying that everything she has said is true. I was taken aback for a few seconds, then he said why wouldn't it be true if we are created in the Image and Likeness of God. Point, game and match. I got it then. I remember it almost daily, but in essence I have had a hard time applying it to me. I have questioned my worthiness, even as I see it in those around me.
Like attracts Like!
Stop questioning the obvious...
Trust in It...
I am better than okay.
I am better than good.
I am better than I am giving myself "credit" for.
I remember the very first time I stepped into Agape. Rev Michael was not there that day. The speaker was Bro. Ishmael Tetteh. He received a glowing introduction, and when he got up he responded by saying that everything she has said is true. I was taken aback for a few seconds, then he said why wouldn't it be true if we are created in the Image and Likeness of God. Point, game and match. I got it then. I remember it almost daily, but in essence I have had a hard time applying it to me. I have questioned my worthiness, even as I see it in those around me.
Like attracts Like!
Stop questioning the obvious...
Trust in It...
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Happy Anniversary
*exhaling*
Yeah so one year ago today I set out to change my thoughts and change my life. Inspired by Wayne Dyer title to his book, I decided that enough was enough and mediocre thinking was no longer a valid option. So yeah, as I was posting a blog this week I was curious about when I started blogging about it, and to my surprise I was coming up on a year of postings. As I went back I could feel myself holding back on what was really happening with me. Even as I type this I feel like something more should be coming out. But as they say, "It is what it is."... Yeah... I looked back for a brief moment over this year really curious as to if and how I have changed my thoughts. I did change a lot! I grew immensely. I shared more of myself than I ever have. I recognized and realized my passion as a filmmaker and storyteller. I have cultivated a lot of new and inspiring relationships, while eliminating a few toxic ones. My penchant for procrastinating is still pretty steady to say the least, but I am moving in a direction I like. Back to the thoughts though, because that is what is important to my Spiritual, Physical and Emotional survival! I was expecting some overnight revelations and shifts that would be evident to everyone and everything. I was expecting to walk on water and elevate the whole planet with me. I was expecting instead of allowing. So while my thoughts have "improved" the next phase in the process is to not put expectations on the change, and simply Be that Change. Live the growth, and to not worry about if others are noticing. Be Still and Know.
Over the next phase of my journey (without putting any pressure or expectation) I will be looking at my thoughts around money, intimacy and relationships. I have mentioned before I had (can't claim it as my Now) a poor relationship with loot. I would not be able to keep it simply because I feared losing it. I had unhealthy upbringings surrounding it and never learned how to deal with it properly. I recognized it and know it stems from my overall thinking that wealth and financial security is for the chosen few and I felt that I was outside of that circle looking in. Intimacy....hmmm...yeah...not just on the physical level, but really letting folks (some) know the real me. The other me. The blog is cool, but it still allows me to keep folks at a comfortable distance. *Sidebar*... I never really came to far out of my comfort zone over this last year. Whenever challenges arose I retreated back to a comfortable position. So with changing my thoughts has to come a change in actions. ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming. So I have to trust that the friends I have can honor the space in which we choose to share our feelings, dreams or anything else that should come up. The same way that I have to honor that space for them. I am still bottling stuff up to a certain degree, and it is past time to open that cap. Relationships and intimacy kind of go hand in hand(is it hand in hand or hand n hand on hand and hand), but I also mean business and artistic relationships too. My personal aloofness has meandered over into how I deal with folks on the business and artistic side as well. I kept my creative dreams locked down, for fear that they wouldn't be well received. So now it is just about creating the vision and allowing it to go where it may. No expectations. No Doubt.
Well all of that is to say. Yes I have grown. I am moving in a direction I can see mySelf being successful in. I must honor my ideas as real and necessary. Gotta meditate, pray and journal a little more and continue to story tell. I love it. More importantly I gotta gotta gotta keep being honest with Me! Keep loving and appreciating me, and keep honoring the Divine within Me (and You too).
Yeah so one year ago today I set out to change my thoughts and change my life. Inspired by Wayne Dyer title to his book, I decided that enough was enough and mediocre thinking was no longer a valid option. So yeah, as I was posting a blog this week I was curious about when I started blogging about it, and to my surprise I was coming up on a year of postings. As I went back I could feel myself holding back on what was really happening with me. Even as I type this I feel like something more should be coming out. But as they say, "It is what it is."... Yeah... I looked back for a brief moment over this year really curious as to if and how I have changed my thoughts. I did change a lot! I grew immensely. I shared more of myself than I ever have. I recognized and realized my passion as a filmmaker and storyteller. I have cultivated a lot of new and inspiring relationships, while eliminating a few toxic ones. My penchant for procrastinating is still pretty steady to say the least, but I am moving in a direction I like. Back to the thoughts though, because that is what is important to my Spiritual, Physical and Emotional survival! I was expecting some overnight revelations and shifts that would be evident to everyone and everything. I was expecting to walk on water and elevate the whole planet with me. I was expecting instead of allowing. So while my thoughts have "improved" the next phase in the process is to not put expectations on the change, and simply Be that Change. Live the growth, and to not worry about if others are noticing. Be Still and Know.
Over the next phase of my journey (without putting any pressure or expectation) I will be looking at my thoughts around money, intimacy and relationships. I have mentioned before I had (can't claim it as my Now) a poor relationship with loot. I would not be able to keep it simply because I feared losing it. I had unhealthy upbringings surrounding it and never learned how to deal with it properly. I recognized it and know it stems from my overall thinking that wealth and financial security is for the chosen few and I felt that I was outside of that circle looking in. Intimacy....hmmm...yeah...not just on the physical level, but really letting folks (some) know the real me. The other me. The blog is cool, but it still allows me to keep folks at a comfortable distance. *Sidebar*... I never really came to far out of my comfort zone over this last year. Whenever challenges arose I retreated back to a comfortable position. So with changing my thoughts has to come a change in actions. ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming. So I have to trust that the friends I have can honor the space in which we choose to share our feelings, dreams or anything else that should come up. The same way that I have to honor that space for them. I am still bottling stuff up to a certain degree, and it is past time to open that cap. Relationships and intimacy kind of go hand in hand(is it hand in hand or hand n hand on hand and hand), but I also mean business and artistic relationships too. My personal aloofness has meandered over into how I deal with folks on the business and artistic side as well. I kept my creative dreams locked down, for fear that they wouldn't be well received. So now it is just about creating the vision and allowing it to go where it may. No expectations. No Doubt.
Well all of that is to say. Yes I have grown. I am moving in a direction I can see mySelf being successful in. I must honor my ideas as real and necessary. Gotta meditate, pray and journal a little more and continue to story tell. I love it. More importantly I gotta gotta gotta keep being honest with Me! Keep loving and appreciating me, and keep honoring the Divine within Me (and You too).
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Revelations, Reflections and Gratitude
As I approach the one year anniversary of this blog, I had and exchange today that made grateful and reflective all in one. I had a "conversation" today with someone who took exception to one of my post that there is goodness in the world. I am not one to argue over peoples beliefs...I am not in the business of being right... I am more interested in being sincere and honest. Anyway...their view is that we live in a miserable world right now and cannot wait until the "new system" comes so they can be happy. I didn't judge, but I also didn't share my beliefs too deeply because I know (or could sense) that they were not receptive to any other understanding but their own. Yeah, it sent me into a myriad of meditations and reflections today...which led to moments of both elation and melancholy...
I am grateful for my evolution as a person. I shy away from giving myself too much (ok any) credit for anything, but I am truly grateful that the experiences and people that have been put on my path have inspired and enlighten way of not only thinking but living. I am choosing to be more compassionate with me. Cutting me some "slack" ya know. I will stop stressing over the small things and appreciate that which I have. Something may or may not always be better than nothing, but I am loving whatever I have now.
God is Good Always...
I am grateful for my evolution as a person. I shy away from giving myself too much (ok any) credit for anything, but I am truly grateful that the experiences and people that have been put on my path have inspired and enlighten way of not only thinking but living. I am choosing to be more compassionate with me. Cutting me some "slack" ya know. I will stop stressing over the small things and appreciate that which I have. Something may or may not always be better than nothing, but I am loving whatever I have now.
God is Good Always...
Monday, March 29, 2010
Let's talk about Sex...
So, yesterday morning I got an email on facebook from a young lady asking me if I knew another lady by the name of blah blah. I said that the name did not ring a bell and asked where I would know her from. She said I would have known her from Philly or the military, I commence to tell her that I was never in the military, but I was born and raised in Philly. Then she states that she doesn't mean to bother me, but she is looking for her biological father and wanted more info from me! Wow...now my heart is racing and I am having mad flashbacks to when this could be and all that goes with it. I also had to do a search for my father although my search was a lot easier since I had met him a few times as a child and spent time with his aunt when I was very young. So my first intention was to be as helpful as possible since I know how difficult of a process it is to start and go through. So I give her some info about me, and she tells me his birthday and it turns out to not be me. I was both happy that it wasn't me, but sad that she had to continue this search for the man who help to conceive her.
Lately, I have been having many conversations around sex...both in larger groups and in more intimate settings. What it means to different people and all of that. I shared with a couple of the groups that I have been abstinent, and didn't go too much more into details. Some of the other people too were waiting, some for marriage others of us until we feel a deeper understanding of who we are with and why we are there. Some people felt that it was just sex and not really a big deal. With that I totally disagree. Sex it the most powerful act two(or more) people can engage in. Its ultimate end leads to Life! I thought more about that yesterday than ever before. I had been pretty careless when it came to sex in my younger years (and not so younger years). I was not always as protected as I should have been, and didn't think much of it. Yesterday was the second time my mind raced back to the days when I was carefree in Philly and other places. The first was a few years back when I needed an HIV test for my life insurance plan. As I waited for the results I was anxious beyond belief. When it came back cool I vowed to take sex more seriously and recognize the Divinity in its Act. To me it is sacred and I am not in the business of preaching, but I have on many occasions seen the end result of lack of communication surrounding sex. People do not talk about their expectations of their relationship after wards and it changes things. I believe in making conscious choices now, with my mind, body and soul. I have not and will not put time limits on anything, but I will know when it is the right time to make any choice I make around it.
Lately, I have been having many conversations around sex...both in larger groups and in more intimate settings. What it means to different people and all of that. I shared with a couple of the groups that I have been abstinent, and didn't go too much more into details. Some of the other people too were waiting, some for marriage others of us until we feel a deeper understanding of who we are with and why we are there. Some people felt that it was just sex and not really a big deal. With that I totally disagree. Sex it the most powerful act two(or more) people can engage in. Its ultimate end leads to Life! I thought more about that yesterday than ever before. I had been pretty careless when it came to sex in my younger years (and not so younger years). I was not always as protected as I should have been, and didn't think much of it. Yesterday was the second time my mind raced back to the days when I was carefree in Philly and other places. The first was a few years back when I needed an HIV test for my life insurance plan. As I waited for the results I was anxious beyond belief. When it came back cool I vowed to take sex more seriously and recognize the Divinity in its Act. To me it is sacred and I am not in the business of preaching, but I have on many occasions seen the end result of lack of communication surrounding sex. People do not talk about their expectations of their relationship after wards and it changes things. I believe in making conscious choices now, with my mind, body and soul. I have not and will not put time limits on anything, but I will know when it is the right time to make any choice I make around it.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Creating A Safe Place
"When cut deep the same blood we bleed/We're not immune to addiction or disease/Got violent deaths in our family trees." Citizen Cope
I got some disturbing news very early this morning regarding two of my family members. It kind of took me by surprise but then again it really didn't. My family's way of dealing with things is to ignore and deny until it builds into some seemingly irreconcilable occurrence. When I got the news I looked for a safe haven for my Self, to ponder, revitalize and recharge. I couldn't find solace no matter where I turned. I grew increasingly agitated and frustrated. Why can't I ever seem to get what I give(or am I)? I just wanted(want) peace! Finally found someone to talk to and vent my frustrations about a myriad of things, when it dawned on me. God is my safe place. It is always with me. I do not have to anything other than Be Still to access It! The Power and the Presence is Ever-Present. I was going there when the weather was good, but avoiding it when it is needed most. God always understands! I do not have to beg, prod or cajole It... The safe place has already been created I need to follow the most effective advice I always give and pray and meditate on It. Whatever it is...
I got some disturbing news very early this morning regarding two of my family members. It kind of took me by surprise but then again it really didn't. My family's way of dealing with things is to ignore and deny until it builds into some seemingly irreconcilable occurrence. When I got the news I looked for a safe haven for my Self, to ponder, revitalize and recharge. I couldn't find solace no matter where I turned. I grew increasingly agitated and frustrated. Why can't I ever seem to get what I give(or am I)? I just wanted(want) peace! Finally found someone to talk to and vent my frustrations about a myriad of things, when it dawned on me. God is my safe place. It is always with me. I do not have to anything other than Be Still to access It! The Power and the Presence is Ever-Present. I was going there when the weather was good, but avoiding it when it is needed most. God always understands! I do not have to beg, prod or cajole It... The safe place has already been created I need to follow the most effective advice I always give and pray and meditate on It. Whatever it is...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Time is on My Side
As I was in a contemplative mood today this song played...
Then I realized music calms the savage beast and that includes ego....
I am glad I have stopped running and am wiling to shine...Life is Good
God is Good...
Then I realized music calms the savage beast and that includes ego....
I am glad I have stopped running and am wiling to shine...Life is Good
God is Good...
Restlessness is my nemesis
"My restlessness is my nemesis/It's hard to really chill and sit still/committed to page/I write rhymes/sometimes won't finish for days" Mos Def
I always loved that line by Mos Def...I could/can relate to it. When I am in a creative mode I can't sit still. There may be a few other factors, but I got to get into the world and just move and shake and do. I love people watching, and sharing ideas, especially when folks are respectful of the space and don't bring fear and propaganda into the equation. Fear has been big on my mind lately, and how it permeates itself into our dialogue seamlessly and without much effort. Our family fears about taking risks become our own eventually(if we are not aware). Our nations fear of change and growth dominate the overall mainstream dialogue and we continue in a place of complacency and idleness. I get it too! Growth is not the most comfortable thing, I still battle with my Wall Of Jericho(fear)...anywho...
Yeah...I am progressing in my meditation and being able to "sit still" physically, and now I am beginning to look at the mental side of the stillness equation. That is where the clarity comes in, and in this very moment I am in need of some more clarity and direction. Cranking up that spiritual GPS if you will. I was consumed by the the things missing in my Life, now I am understanding what it really means to be grateful for what I have....
I always loved that line by Mos Def...I could/can relate to it. When I am in a creative mode I can't sit still. There may be a few other factors, but I got to get into the world and just move and shake and do. I love people watching, and sharing ideas, especially when folks are respectful of the space and don't bring fear and propaganda into the equation. Fear has been big on my mind lately, and how it permeates itself into our dialogue seamlessly and without much effort. Our family fears about taking risks become our own eventually(if we are not aware). Our nations fear of change and growth dominate the overall mainstream dialogue and we continue in a place of complacency and idleness. I get it too! Growth is not the most comfortable thing, I still battle with my Wall Of Jericho(fear)...anywho...
Yeah...I am progressing in my meditation and being able to "sit still" physically, and now I am beginning to look at the mental side of the stillness equation. That is where the clarity comes in, and in this very moment I am in need of some more clarity and direction. Cranking up that spiritual GPS if you will. I was consumed by the the things missing in my Life, now I am understanding what it really means to be grateful for what I have....
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Standing Tall
"No man is an island but I often feel alone So I find peace through...'Ohm...'" Saul Williams
So a little while ago...about a week now I guess... I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine Z about asking for help and doing it all yourself. He was sharing with me when challenges arise instead seeking help he rolls up his sleeves and "tries harder" if you will. His overall point was that it hadn't served him and his business well and now he is learning to reach out more, but it is still difficult to do. I related entirely with what he was saying. I have turned down help (recently even) even though I really needed it because seeking help was just not something I can or could do easily. Ego gets in the way. Practice makes it perfect, and I am letting go of anything that doesn't serve me. Some releasing has taken place immediately and some has taken longer that I anticipated, but I see the progress and know that I am better today than I was yesterday, and will be better tomorrow...
So a little while ago...about a week now I guess... I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine Z about asking for help and doing it all yourself. He was sharing with me when challenges arise instead seeking help he rolls up his sleeves and "tries harder" if you will. His overall point was that it hadn't served him and his business well and now he is learning to reach out more, but it is still difficult to do. I related entirely with what he was saying. I have turned down help (recently even) even though I really needed it because seeking help was just not something I can or could do easily. Ego gets in the way. Practice makes it perfect, and I am letting go of anything that doesn't serve me. Some releasing has taken place immediately and some has taken longer that I anticipated, but I see the progress and know that I am better today than I was yesterday, and will be better tomorrow...
Monday, March 8, 2010
Demons at the Gate
"Worry is like payment on a bill that isn't due yet"...unknown
Today I woke up just with just worry, doubt and fear just banging on the gates of my mind. Through my morning spiritual rituals I couldn't shake it. They manifested themselves in back pain and headaches and all other types of ailment(physical and mental). That being said there is a lot of construction happening in my crib right now so there is crazy dust and dirt happening. Anywho, I was ready to pack it in real early. Not go do my errands or film the things I planned to film today. I was battling hard to get it going. Then I decided for a moment to not resist. Not in the I give up sort of way, but ok fine I may not be good enough, but I am gonna do It anyway. I may not have enough loot, but I am gonna treat myself anyway. Etc. So yeah I gave them nothing to fight against. I figured I would give that a try, and see what happens.
It has been almost a year since I started this blog, and I have been thinking a lot about what my purpose is/was for doing this. It dawned on me a few weeks ago that this blog is not about having the answers, but revealing my questions as they arise. To share with others, so just maybe those questions can assist others on their journey. Those are the blogs and other writings that appeal to me. The ones that allow me some insight to my own life through theirs. Not in the living vicariously through other folks, but in sharing their vulnerabilities it enables me the freedom to see mine. Yeah, something like that.
Today I woke up just with just worry, doubt and fear just banging on the gates of my mind. Through my morning spiritual rituals I couldn't shake it. They manifested themselves in back pain and headaches and all other types of ailment(physical and mental). That being said there is a lot of construction happening in my crib right now so there is crazy dust and dirt happening. Anywho, I was ready to pack it in real early. Not go do my errands or film the things I planned to film today. I was battling hard to get it going. Then I decided for a moment to not resist. Not in the I give up sort of way, but ok fine I may not be good enough, but I am gonna do It anyway. I may not have enough loot, but I am gonna treat myself anyway. Etc. So yeah I gave them nothing to fight against. I figured I would give that a try, and see what happens.
It has been almost a year since I started this blog, and I have been thinking a lot about what my purpose is/was for doing this. It dawned on me a few weeks ago that this blog is not about having the answers, but revealing my questions as they arise. To share with others, so just maybe those questions can assist others on their journey. Those are the blogs and other writings that appeal to me. The ones that allow me some insight to my own life through theirs. Not in the living vicariously through other folks, but in sharing their vulnerabilities it enables me the freedom to see mine. Yeah, something like that.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Don't Sweat The Technique
“Do or do not... there is no try.” Yoda
Today I was thinking about a conversation I had many years back when I first started acting. At the time I had been taking acting classes for a few years at Freedom Theatre in Philly and had a good friend of mine Warren who had been there pretty much as long as me. Anywho, one day in between classes we were talking about techniques and approaches and all that, when he turns to me and says we have so much technique happening right now that is causing us to over think and not feel the character. He said that he can see us trying to be the character and worrying about technique instead of just doing it. It made a lot sense to me and I began to put some of the techniques aside and went back to the organic style and if a role required it then I would dig deeper into different techniques and all that. I say all of that to say that today I noticed the same thing happening in my spiritual life...I was doing all this prep to get ready to be prepared to....yeah anyway...I was thinking about it instead of just being IT! So I then decided to simply take it back to first grade...sticks and stones...if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything...as well as the highest commandment of them all... Love Thy neighbor as Thyself! Simply put...Just Be!
Speaking of technique. I have been looking at footage of of my short Casual Friday, and there are definitely some things I need to learn about the process...right??? Didn't I just...well... in this particular case there were lighting and sound things that I could have done differently. So I went to the library picked up a few books so I can know what the hell I am talking about. Artistry doesn't have to be devoid of technical savvy either. Each time out I should (and will) do a better job. One of the things is to practice shooting things as many things as I possibly can. Even if I just invite friends over and shoot a random scene. I am excited that the sky is the limit when it comes to my artistry, and I am grateful to have an incredibly encouraging support system.
Today I was thinking about a conversation I had many years back when I first started acting. At the time I had been taking acting classes for a few years at Freedom Theatre in Philly and had a good friend of mine Warren who had been there pretty much as long as me. Anywho, one day in between classes we were talking about techniques and approaches and all that, when he turns to me and says we have so much technique happening right now that is causing us to over think and not feel the character. He said that he can see us trying to be the character and worrying about technique instead of just doing it. It made a lot sense to me and I began to put some of the techniques aside and went back to the organic style and if a role required it then I would dig deeper into different techniques and all that. I say all of that to say that today I noticed the same thing happening in my spiritual life...I was doing all this prep to get ready to be prepared to....yeah anyway...I was thinking about it instead of just being IT! So I then decided to simply take it back to first grade...sticks and stones...if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything...as well as the highest commandment of them all... Love Thy neighbor as Thyself! Simply put...Just Be!
Speaking of technique. I have been looking at footage of of my short Casual Friday, and there are definitely some things I need to learn about the process...right??? Didn't I just...well... in this particular case there were lighting and sound things that I could have done differently. So I went to the library picked up a few books so I can know what the hell I am talking about. Artistry doesn't have to be devoid of technical savvy either. Each time out I should (and will) do a better job. One of the things is to practice shooting things as many things as I possibly can. Even if I just invite friends over and shoot a random scene. I am excited that the sky is the limit when it comes to my artistry, and I am grateful to have an incredibly encouraging support system.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Growth and Expansion
"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional" Unknown
Been toiling back and forth a lot about what to say in this blog. Wrote, deleted stuff and rewrote it again quite a few times. Then I realized I was writing some extra guarded things. The purpose of me writing these entries is not to say I have the answers or anything like that. It is to explore my growth and expansion and some days retractions. I read a blog from someone (can't remember who) whose honesty touched me in a way that I had to get on that path, and share things as I experience them. I have seen a lot of times people criticize others (positive and negative) as they share their experiences, instead of going within themselves and figuring out what their journey. Easier choice to play the sidelines and be the Monday morning Quarterback, than to actually get in the "Game Of Life" and improve on ourSelves...I know from first hand experience because I have been very much guilty of this and n0t just in some far off time, but in my recent history as well.
I have a passion about people! I love to people watch. That is my passion as an artist. I love to observe the way relationships evolve and unravel. It is amazing the way people interact with each other and unconsciously make decisions based on whatever is happening in their life at that particular moment. My goal as a filmmaker and writer is to bring these intricacies alive. When I watch a film even if it is an action film, I am always curious about the characters "backstory"...I love to talk to people find out more about who they are. I just love it. I love Life! Laughing is also very important to me. Just had to say that.
Been toiling back and forth a lot about what to say in this blog. Wrote, deleted stuff and rewrote it again quite a few times. Then I realized I was writing some extra guarded things. The purpose of me writing these entries is not to say I have the answers or anything like that. It is to explore my growth and expansion and some days retractions. I read a blog from someone (can't remember who) whose honesty touched me in a way that I had to get on that path, and share things as I experience them. I have seen a lot of times people criticize others (positive and negative) as they share their experiences, instead of going within themselves and figuring out what their journey. Easier choice to play the sidelines and be the Monday morning Quarterback, than to actually get in the "Game Of Life" and improve on ourSelves...I know from first hand experience because I have been very much guilty of this and n0t just in some far off time, but in my recent history as well.
I have a passion about people! I love to people watch. That is my passion as an artist. I love to observe the way relationships evolve and unravel. It is amazing the way people interact with each other and unconsciously make decisions based on whatever is happening in their life at that particular moment. My goal as a filmmaker and writer is to bring these intricacies alive. When I watch a film even if it is an action film, I am always curious about the characters "backstory"...I love to talk to people find out more about who they are. I just love it. I love Life! Laughing is also very important to me. Just had to say that.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Rushing
When a book is extremely good to me I have a tendency to wanna rush to the end of the chapter or the end of the book sometimes. Inevitably, what happens to me then is that I have to back track because I missed some pertinent information that ties the whole story together, and because I missed it I am left confused about so and sos part in the plot. I am noticing that same pattern of behavior in my relationships. If it is good to me I wanna rush to the good part(not merely physical) and I(we) miss out on vital things that would make the relationship that much stronger.
I am very conscious of time. How long it should take to do something, being on time and many different things of that nature. This being said, I have always felt I was doing my meditations "wrong" because it was hard for me to "sit still"for 10, 15 or 30 minutes. My mother once lost a bet with my aunt that I couldn't sit still and keep quiet for 5 minutes, and so the seed was planted and the habit in place... "That boy just just can't sit still"... While having a conversation with a very good friend yesterday it was "rebrought" to my attention to start with 30 seconds or a minute and go from there. This made perfect sense, but what even worked "better" for me after some more thought is doing smaller meditations and moments of silence throughout the day. It worked wonderfully for me yesterday(and this morning)! I was much more focused and able to relax when I took those moments as they came and went into stillness instead of worrying about one large chunk. Which then reminded me of something I said to someone earlier in the week. God doesn't recognize time. Time is a man made construct. If my purpose of meditation and stillness is to connect to God(which it is) then length of time should not matter over quality.
I am very conscious of time. How long it should take to do something, being on time and many different things of that nature. This being said, I have always felt I was doing my meditations "wrong" because it was hard for me to "sit still"for 10, 15 or 30 minutes. My mother once lost a bet with my aunt that I couldn't sit still and keep quiet for 5 minutes, and so the seed was planted and the habit in place... "That boy just just can't sit still"... While having a conversation with a very good friend yesterday it was "rebrought" to my attention to start with 30 seconds or a minute and go from there. This made perfect sense, but what even worked "better" for me after some more thought is doing smaller meditations and moments of silence throughout the day. It worked wonderfully for me yesterday(and this morning)! I was much more focused and able to relax when I took those moments as they came and went into stillness instead of worrying about one large chunk. Which then reminded me of something I said to someone earlier in the week. God doesn't recognize time. Time is a man made construct. If my purpose of meditation and stillness is to connect to God(which it is) then length of time should not matter over quality.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Path
Opening myself up to the new! Releasing the readiness to sabotage something that feels right. Breaking the old patterns and living strictly in the moment has been a goal or objective of mine for quite a while now. I have mentioned a few times I am constantly looking out of the proverbial rear-view mirror of life, causing unnecessary stress in the process. I have proven time and time again that the laws I continuously speak of work, I just have let them work in my favor. I have dwelt on things that no longer serve me and my "bigger" and "brighter" future. I imagined the worse and claimed to be shocked when it happened. Well I am seeing the need to run from that which is good because I fear messing it up or not being worthy of it. Recognition and changing the unwanted behavior was something I talked about but made minimal efforts to do it. Talk is cheap as they say. This next phase is gonna take effort, not struggle, but some much needed effort to rise above those fears that change can bring.
I am excited not for only my tomorrow, but for my Now. I am excited that Now is the time when I can create consciously my Life. Now is when I can speak my truth and allow it to blossom. Now is what I always avoided, but is where I always am. Now is beautiful, but I refused to look. Now I am ready...I used to say ready for whatever and I got whatever...literally...so I will say(and Be) I am ready for the best of things and the best of life. Yes
I am excited not for only my tomorrow, but for my Now. I am excited that Now is the time when I can create consciously my Life. Now is when I can speak my truth and allow it to blossom. Now is what I always avoided, but is where I always am. Now is beautiful, but I refused to look. Now I am ready...I used to say ready for whatever and I got whatever...literally...so I will say(and Be) I am ready for the best of things and the best of life. Yes
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sometimes you just know...
The words don't come, and it doesn't always make sense...you just know...you can't explain it even to yourself, but you just know! You don't need to justify it to yourself or anyone else it just fits cause you know. You aren't concerned with what tomorrow will bring or anything else. The things that seemed important are now deemed insignificant because you just know. It works for you now cause you know. The knowing brings a smile to your face and eases the insecurities of yesterday. You know. You may wanna tell it, but it is best to just show it. You know, the truth works like that. The truth is that. I know and am ready to show...
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Vision Quest
So I was gonna write about what I perceive as certain level of unhappiness in people. I've been working in the public customer service sector lately and have come across many different attitudes. As I sat down and started to type I realized I should not give it any more energy than the one sentence I have already given it. There are so many beautiful souls surrounding me that deserve so much more of my attention and energy. The the concept of life and the journey has been on my mind. The comparisons of life and a car ride if you will, focusing on what is in front of you and not what is behind you and keeping your eyes on where you want the car to go. In life (and sometimes in the car) I have focused on what is in the rear view and not what is in front of me. It's all about recognition and I am recognizing it is time to truly acknowledge the Beauty and Divinity that surrounds me. That is Me!
Instead of focusing on the negatives in the convention show I worked on I wanna talk about the cat David who always had a smile on his and kind word for everyone around him. He made the days absolutely hilarious. I wanna talk about Kit who is simply amazing and a joy to talk to every time we chat. Or Nicole whose undying support and comfort is invaluable and can't be put into words. Big Sis Jovida who has been my "protector" since day one. BGaff from BK who constantly challenges me compassionately to strive higher. The countless people who I have only dialogued with online whose creativity is a motivational as life long friends. These are just a few of the amazing souls who motivate and inspire me daily and more. I love my Life and the people in my Life. I am truly Blessed.
Instead of focusing on the negatives in the convention show I worked on I wanna talk about the cat David who always had a smile on his and kind word for everyone around him. He made the days absolutely hilarious. I wanna talk about Kit who is simply amazing and a joy to talk to every time we chat. Or Nicole whose undying support and comfort is invaluable and can't be put into words. Big Sis Jovida who has been my "protector" since day one. BGaff from BK who constantly challenges me compassionately to strive higher. The countless people who I have only dialogued with online whose creativity is a motivational as life long friends. These are just a few of the amazing souls who motivate and inspire me daily and more. I love my Life and the people in my Life. I am truly Blessed.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Family
"Family is a mixed blessing. You're glad to have one, but it's also like receiving a life sentence for a crime you didn't commit."
I've been reflecting a lot lately about my family. I have not been home in a bit, and I am starting to feel the void of not seeing them face to face. I appreciate the Cali fam I have here and they definitely add a real value to my life, but some times as Dorothy said, "there is no place like home." I've said before that I don't think I can live in Philly anymore, and I still feel that way. I also think that me not living there helps to make my visits special. We realize that we don't have a lot of "time", so we don't waste time arguing...or should I say arguing as much... Yeah definitely time to make a visit.
I come from a pretty big family. My mom was the youngest of 13 children, and most of them had multiple children and they had multiple children and so on. So the diverseness and uniqueness of my aunts, uncles and cousins is pretty fascinating. They range from ministers to hustlers and everything in between. The stories I have and the things I've learned are things for sitcom and drama all rapped up into one. The love I have for all of my family is not always easily put into words, but it is undeniable in my heart and soul. The love they have for me is equally undeniable even when it is not always spoken with words...Actions most times do speak louder than words...
I've been reflecting a lot lately about my family. I have not been home in a bit, and I am starting to feel the void of not seeing them face to face. I appreciate the Cali fam I have here and they definitely add a real value to my life, but some times as Dorothy said, "there is no place like home." I've said before that I don't think I can live in Philly anymore, and I still feel that way. I also think that me not living there helps to make my visits special. We realize that we don't have a lot of "time", so we don't waste time arguing...or should I say arguing as much... Yeah definitely time to make a visit.
I come from a pretty big family. My mom was the youngest of 13 children, and most of them had multiple children and they had multiple children and so on. So the diverseness and uniqueness of my aunts, uncles and cousins is pretty fascinating. They range from ministers to hustlers and everything in between. The stories I have and the things I've learned are things for sitcom and drama all rapped up into one. The love I have for all of my family is not always easily put into words, but it is undeniable in my heart and soul. The love they have for me is equally undeniable even when it is not always spoken with words...Actions most times do speak louder than words...
Monday, January 25, 2010
Hodgepodge
"They say the goodness in life belongs to those who believe. So, I believe..." - Mos Def
Been having a lot on my mind today. Bouncing around thoughts, ideas, dreams and everything in between. Thought a lot about my family structure how we interact with each other, how I am distant from them and more importantly why. Been psyched about the next project I wanna shoot, and all kind of creative ideas that inspire me. Been pondering the notion of support and how we can support each other in our dreams for our lives. Social networking is cool, and facebook in particular has re-connected and connected me in ways that are beyond phenomenal. But in the same token it has allowed me to not pick up the phone, to not say hello, to not drive up to my friends house and just give them a hug and it has helped to build a greater distance between me and those I care about(of course the ultimate responsibility falls back on me). Nothing changes if nothing changes. So tomorrow I will begin to reach out to someone via phone. Anyone, I will pick up the phone and just say hello, how are you? Yadda Yadda Blah blah...
So as a child I cried a lot. I was told countless times that I was "over" or "too" emotional...especially for a boy...ya know? So started the drilling about manhood and all that crap... never really dug telling someone they are overly this or too that...who and what determines what is the proper amount of whatever. Anyway I digress, I've begun to tear down the walls of separation between me and my creativity, my compassion and my emotions. They are all interconnected. It is great to feel and share those feelings. Whining is something different though... Haha... Anywho, that was just some of what has been goings on in my head today. All in all it is and was a great day.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Laughter...
"Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine' never had gonorrhea"...My Name Is Earl
I love to laugh! I feel at my best when I have a smile on my face and laughter in my heart. I love when folks around me are laughing with me. Growing up I was a huge fan of Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby. I read Richard Pryor's autobiography a few years back and it is one of my favorite books of all time period. One of the things that really stood out to me when he said the world has enough to cry about and he wants to give them something to laugh about. That statement resonates with me. With so much anguish going on in the world to bring some hope through laughter and compassion is one of the purposes of my art. Mean Spirited "humor" never moves me. It is too easy, but to each their own. Ya know?
So yeah, I don't feel like I have been laughing as much as I would like as of late. Like belly aching, crying and snotting laughter. Been taking me more serious than I need to. I take the things I believe in seriously but I don't really like to take me seriously. I've done serious work and will continue to volunteer etc., but one of the things that I enjoy about the organizations I've been blessed to be a part of is their willingness to embrace humor in their daily work. Maybe it is what keeps them sane and going on...laughing to keep from crying. So yeah, it's time to implement more laughter back into my daily diet.
I love to laugh! I feel at my best when I have a smile on my face and laughter in my heart. I love when folks around me are laughing with me. Growing up I was a huge fan of Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby. I read Richard Pryor's autobiography a few years back and it is one of my favorite books of all time period. One of the things that really stood out to me when he said the world has enough to cry about and he wants to give them something to laugh about. That statement resonates with me. With so much anguish going on in the world to bring some hope through laughter and compassion is one of the purposes of my art. Mean Spirited "humor" never moves me. It is too easy, but to each their own. Ya know?
So yeah, I don't feel like I have been laughing as much as I would like as of late. Like belly aching, crying and snotting laughter. Been taking me more serious than I need to. I take the things I believe in seriously but I don't really like to take me seriously. I've done serious work and will continue to volunteer etc., but one of the things that I enjoy about the organizations I've been blessed to be a part of is their willingness to embrace humor in their daily work. Maybe it is what keeps them sane and going on...laughing to keep from crying. So yeah, it's time to implement more laughter back into my daily diet.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Saying Yes
So today I've been thinking about saying yes and what it is I am saying yes to. I am learning that the Universe responds to our proclaiming Yes to a certain situation or scenario, that we activate our fullest potential by saying Yes and being in agreement with and aligning our thoughts with our highest good. I get that. What came across me today is saying yes when it doesn't suit me. When I say yes because a little is better than none. I feel that I've on one or two occasions as of late said yes just to fill a void as opposed to really wanting or needing that particular thing in my Life. Today the question arose in my mind...Is saying Yes to that which doesn't serve me (and God) tantamount to saying No to my calling or whatever?
I believe having a little has enabled me to procrastinate from going for my Lot. Ya know? Because I have something to keep me occupied for the time being and it may not be bad at all, but it is not what or where I am supposed to be. I am impulsive and want to "succeed" so badly that I don't allow things to play out (I mentioned that before), and I sometimes forget to just breathe and pause before I move.
I believe having a little has enabled me to procrastinate from going for my Lot. Ya know? Because I have something to keep me occupied for the time being and it may not be bad at all, but it is not what or where I am supposed to be. I am impulsive and want to "succeed" so badly that I don't allow things to play out (I mentioned that before), and I sometimes forget to just breathe and pause before I move.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Honesty is the Best Policy
And it starts at home...Asking questions of mySelf to get to the place I want to be. Before I can speak the/my "truth" to anyone else I must know what it is to me. Define what makes me happy, sad, angry, ecstatic, moody, or whatever. Before I can articulate anything to anyone else I must have a firm understanding of that thing mySelf. Of course Life is an ever evolving process and that is when honesty is most necessary, because if and when I see the changes happening I can just simply be still and gain an understanding of it all(hopefully). Or at least be honest enough with mySelf to say I am confused in this moment and will get back to me when I have an answer...
A personal truth is that I am still resistant to relinquishing control, and just allowing Life to flow through me. I still want to know what the "end result" will be instead of just accepting It as is and enjoying the ride. My next step is simply being still and not stepping or trying, but just being still and allowing...moving out of my comfort zone, and trusting mySelf more and more...
...Consistancy
So Yeah... roommate starts fire on Thursday night as I mentioned before...right! no anger or frustration directed at him from anyone involved...Fast Forward Saturday... I have been crashing out over my buddy's crib because the smoke has been waay to powerful, but I come during the day to grab certain things and blah blah blah...yeah... so I see my roommate when I get here and he is like "um yeah...they won't be fixing the kitchen on Saturday because of the holiday. So annoying." So I just look at him and keep it moving, grab what I need and bounce out. Come by on Sunday and he has his date here as they get ready to go to the Golden Globes after party or whatever...cool... the smell is dying down, but I figure I will give it one more day then I'll come back. Sooooo yesterday I come home and he's here of course, and he again states that enough is enough they need to get over here and fix the kitchen (that he caused mind you) or he would be on the phone first thing in the morning. I kindly say something to the effect of whatever I said...it's not important, but then I am starting to get annoyed not that he started this but unwillingness to reciprocate the compassion and understanding that has gone out to him....
Then It dawned on me! I cannot stop being compassionate and forgiving to someone just because they do not APPEAR to appreciate it, or seem to be deserving. It has nothing to do with the other person at all...It is about the character that I choose to display and more importantly carry. I Am who God says I AM... continuing to live from the higher Self.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Expectations...Life
'I take care of my kids.' You supposed to you dumb mutha fucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that! 'I ain't never been to jail!'What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail you low expectation-having motherfucker!- Chris Rock
Maaaan....I've learned a lot about myself in the last few days. This post was started (in my mind) on Thursday... Thursday started with me about to pat myself on the back for doing some shit I should have done. That is what led me to the Chris Rock quote. I am supposed to be compassionate, I am supposed to be caring, I am supposed to Love unconditionally... So I came to this conclusion while at work Thursday evening.
Then Bam!
I get home on Thursday and I see a big truck outside of my apartment complex when I get home. It is bigger than a pick up truck but smaller than a UPS truck...hmmmm... as I drive by it I see Fire Dept. on the side, and I see a big pile of charred things next to it. I say to myself wow...someone's place could have caught on fire, I instantly say a quiet prayer for them. I see my roommates car parked near the rubble parked kind of awkward but his parking sucks anyway. I parked my car and I walked to my building and I realize that there was a fire and it was in my building. Then as I walk up the stairs...it was my apartment...I see my roommate and I ask what happened and he said it was in the kitchen and it was electrical...He gets another call at that moment from our building manager and it turns out that it was not electrical but that he left a pot on the stove...wow...he was extremely apologetic for the next 2 hours or so that we were sorting through things...then he turns and asks me if I was angry and he would understand if I was...and I can say today and then that not one ounce of anger was in my body...none...no resentment, no frustration nothing but compassion...
At some point it dawned on me, I am the man I've always wanted to be. The compassion, the caring, the spirituality it is me already. I just chose to not look that, but focus on my faults. Our truest character arises when times of hardship and when everything may not be all roses...We practice that for times like this. My Life is Blessed. I have amazing people and things in my Life, and God has Blessed me with endless talents and gifts. I shouldn't expect mediocrity out of myself. My expectations of mySelf should be high. To whom much is given much is expected. I expecting and delivering much of mySelf. And So It Is.
Maaaan....I've learned a lot about myself in the last few days. This post was started (in my mind) on Thursday... Thursday started with me about to pat myself on the back for doing some shit I should have done. That is what led me to the Chris Rock quote. I am supposed to be compassionate, I am supposed to be caring, I am supposed to Love unconditionally... So I came to this conclusion while at work Thursday evening.
Then Bam!
I get home on Thursday and I see a big truck outside of my apartment complex when I get home. It is bigger than a pick up truck but smaller than a UPS truck...hmmmm... as I drive by it I see Fire Dept. on the side, and I see a big pile of charred things next to it. I say to myself wow...someone's place could have caught on fire, I instantly say a quiet prayer for them. I see my roommates car parked near the rubble parked kind of awkward but his parking sucks anyway. I parked my car and I walked to my building and I realize that there was a fire and it was in my building. Then as I walk up the stairs...it was my apartment...I see my roommate and I ask what happened and he said it was in the kitchen and it was electrical...He gets another call at that moment from our building manager and it turns out that it was not electrical but that he left a pot on the stove...wow...he was extremely apologetic for the next 2 hours or so that we were sorting through things...then he turns and asks me if I was angry and he would understand if I was...and I can say today and then that not one ounce of anger was in my body...none...no resentment, no frustration nothing but compassion...
At some point it dawned on me, I am the man I've always wanted to be. The compassion, the caring, the spirituality it is me already. I just chose to not look that, but focus on my faults. Our truest character arises when times of hardship and when everything may not be all roses...We practice that for times like this. My Life is Blessed. I have amazing people and things in my Life, and God has Blessed me with endless talents and gifts. I shouldn't expect mediocrity out of myself. My expectations of mySelf should be high. To whom much is given much is expected. I expecting and delivering much of mySelf. And So It Is.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I Am An Artist!
So today strangely enough I thought of this movie Trial and Error with Michael Richard(Kramer) and Jeff Daniels. It was a cute romantic comedy about an actor posing as a trial lawyer...yack yack yack...anywho, towards the end of the movie Michael Richards made the declaration that he is an actor...whether he was "only" auditioning or taking a class or doing a showcase he was an actor. It was a pretty fly moment in the movie for me. To make a declaration about who you are for the world to see, not that is has to be about the world of course, but it adds a certain self accountability to the mix. It also gets the Universe moving in your direction. You have placed the order and now the "meal" can come. I am an artist!
There was another diatribe about to surface but really it would only belabor the most important point I Am An Artist. Nothing else needs to be said.
There was another diatribe about to surface but really it would only belabor the most important point I Am An Artist. Nothing else needs to be said.
Um...Faith? Love?
I just returned from a good friend of mines wedding reception, and it was an amazingly beautiful affair. I truly felt the love that they have for each other and was equally blessed to be apart of the the festivities. I enjoy watching couples celebrate their love for one another and the different ways that it manifests itself in their relationships. I am always eager to hear the stories of how people met and when how they came to that place of Loving each other and knowing they had met "The One"...The only common thread is that there is no common thread. Some stories are filled with highs and lows that would make for the dopest Hollywood film and other are very methodical and planned out but just as beautiful as the next.
This wedding was different for me because I didn't wonder when my turn would come, but I just enjoyed the moment for them and with them. For so long relationships have been my Achilles Heel (one of the two...ha)! I truly over thought things when it came to them and would break out or do some crazy shit to sabotage the relationship. Recently I have had different revelations about myself and my capacity to truly give of myself. I've stopped the blame game and am stopping throwing myself pity parties...In my mind I reeked of desperation, and was ready to make some unwise choices because of that. As I delve deeper into my spiritual practices things are starting to make sense to me...Everything is interconnected...Faith in finances will give me faith in Love and vice versa...Faith is faith...period...I have it and trust in God to provide what is needed when it is needed...In every area...No need to force it...It is happening...
This wedding was different for me because I didn't wonder when my turn would come, but I just enjoyed the moment for them and with them. For so long relationships have been my Achilles Heel (one of the two...ha)! I truly over thought things when it came to them and would break out or do some crazy shit to sabotage the relationship. Recently I have had different revelations about myself and my capacity to truly give of myself. I've stopped the blame game and am stopping throwing myself pity parties...In my mind I reeked of desperation, and was ready to make some unwise choices because of that. As I delve deeper into my spiritual practices things are starting to make sense to me...Everything is interconnected...Faith in finances will give me faith in Love and vice versa...Faith is faith...period...I have it and trust in God to provide what is needed when it is needed...In every area...No need to force it...It is happening...
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