A Dream

When I was 8 years old I had a recurring dream.

My Uncle had been killed a year earlier.

I would dream that I was able to rid the world of weapons and violence.

I woke up to intimidated to share.

So Now I Am.

Accepted Reality (Living With It)

Person 1: How you feeling?
Person X: Uh you know aches and pains
Person 1: That is part of Life once you hit your 40s

Or

Person C: What been up?
Person 2: Not feeling that great, but that’s to be expected at this age

These are conversations I’ve been hearing (or having) a lot lately.

Well varying degrees of these conversations. It is very easy to get sucked into a way of thinking of how life is supposed to be once we hit a certain age. It is like I mentioned in an earlier post we chose to live within the margins of Life without questioning why it is we say what we say or believe what we believe. When alternatives are offered it is often met with resistance, you know the “easier said than done” argument.

It is exhausting…

It wears on you…

And then…

It creeps into YOUR psyche… You begin to believe it…you groan when you get out of chair (even shit don’t hurt). You begin to look for ailments and squint like you can’t see the shit you know you can see. You know better, but you begin to believe that it is in fact too damn hard.

The thing is if you keep expecting it chances are it will show up.

Disclaimer: this is not literal and results may vary, so expecting a million dollar check alone will not bring it into fruition.

So all of this is because I have been expecting certain things to happen (subconsciously that is). I had my family health “history” so hammered into my skull that I just assumed and anticipated certain things were inevitable. I changed my dietary habits to ease, but deep down I expected and accepted it. My bad.

I used to believe the saying “once you know better you do better”, but complacency is a helluva drug. It needs and feeds off of acceptance. It allows you to be comfortable with a “little bit” of pain physically and then crashes parties in other parts of your mind. Little by little things that would never have been acceptable are now common place.  Mediocrity consumes most of your days and you are okay with that, because well that is what happens when you hit a certain age…job, life, health…nothing is supposed to change once you hit a certain age.

My name is Mark Anthony Benson and I’m becoming complacent!

The Power And Impact Of Art

Yesterday I went to see the film Dear White People. It was a very well put together movie, and I enjoyed it. I could go into critic mode but that really isn't the point of this post. One of the things that struck me was the way the film was shot. I had read an interview earlier in the week where the filmmaker heaped much praise the way of Spike Lee as an influence. It very much showed up in the way the movie was shot, wrote and directed. This is clearly not a knock, since Spike is one of my all-time favorite directors as well. When left the theater and strolled around Williamsburg; I was taken back to the first time I saw Do The Right Thing, and the impact it had on me a young black man in Philadelphia just getting involved in the arts and finding my voice in the world. To say that it moved me would be an understatement. It helped to shape my voice and spoke to the frustrations that I was encountering in my world. It challenged me and my worldview.  It (along with the music of PE, BDP and others) ushered in a radical self-preservation social and political frame of mind.  My hope is that young folks (and not so young) will see this film and hopefully be impacted the way that I was 25 years ago. I left the theater in 1989 wanting to see change and make change. A fire was sparked that is still burning. The methods (my methods) may have changed, but not the desire. It is and will always be in me.

Art saved my Life, and that is not hyperbole by any stretch of the imagination. When I enrolled in Freedom Theatre, roughly 25 years ago as well, I was at a crossroads in my Life. I was making horrible decisions, and was associating with some folks who were assisting me down the path of Self-Destruction. I literally was spending most of my money on alcohol and other less desirable things. Then I had an encounter that snapped me out of it. It wasn’t an immediate turn around but that night I knew I had to leave some people and things behind. Later on I would speak with an old high school counselor who encouraged me to give acting (comedy more specifically) a try. She recommended I take some classes and that led me to Freedom Theatre. After my first class, or maybe second, I knew I was on to something. It bought me a joy that I had forgotten existed. I was anxious every class, but I WANTED to do the scene work. No one forced me to be there. The money I was spending on alcohol was now being spent on acting books, leotards and tights. I kept a journal, I studied and I wanted to get better. I made friends that I am still tight with to this day. I had a reason to live that had nothing to do with Friday or Saturday nights at strip club or any other clubs for that matter. There was a new purpose in my Life. I’ve since expanded my scope but I’m forever grateful for that beautiful beginning.

I believe deep down I knew art and creativity would be a part of my Life. I remember seeing the movie Night Hawks with Billy Dee Williams and Sylvester Stallone, and the scene where Billy Dee’s face was slashed as he was running though a NYC subway station. The women in the theater lost their collective minds yelling at the screen. I was like wow…I want that. Seriously! I would skip high school some days and go down to CAPA (Creative And Performing Arts High School) to hang out with my best friend. When his mom- Aunt Bev- would catch me she would make me stay with her in her class, so she could keep a close eye on me. I would act like I was pissed, but I was also more than a little intrigued by what they were doing in her acting class. I remember these things from 25 and more years ago more vividly than I can remember what I had for lunch last Wednesday. That alone lets me know how powerful art can be, and with that type of power comes great responsibility. At least that is what I choose to believe, so I don’t take any aspect of my creativity lightly. If I am gonna share it, I want it to mean something. If it only moves me that is cool too, but it has to at least do that. Art can move people, and I want mine to move folks in the “right” direction.

Real vs. Imagined

I am a firm believer in the Law Of Attraction. I have experienced it in the most auspicious ways and I’ve also experienced in the most excruciating ways.  Thoughts create things; our thoughts are our most powerful tool we have. When we allow our imagination to be itself and run wild with love beautiful things happen. Conversely when fear and insecurity control the same imagination, well let’s just say beauty is not the end result. What can start out as an imagined dragon when given enough fuel to grow can and will materialize in our lives. Well it has in mine. Be it health issues or moments of financial insecurities; when I dwelled in the dungeons of my own thoughts eventually I reaped that rotten unwanted fruit. Not all real issues and problems are merely extensions of our own thoughts and doing. I mean, we live in a world where we interact with other people and Life happens organically (or not). When my personal situation is going astray, I am learning (not always succeeding) to stop and take inventory of my own thoughts and ideas in that moment. Am I ushering in this scenario? Is a question I ask myself. If I recognize that I am then I gently remind myself to “stop and breathe”.  Self-recognition is the key to growth, and more importantly self-love is essential to healing of our emotional wounds. 

"Before you get something in your hand, you must first get something in your mind." Dr. Mary Tumpkins

So this post is one week in the making. I wrote the first paragraph, and in true Mark fashion I got distracted. I came across the above quote which coincided with where I thought I wanted to go with the rest of it. Then I went to Philly for a visit, and another lesson resurfaced. That powerful thing called heredity! Yeah it is not just physical, but I believe it can carry down through mannerisms, thoughts and ideas. I don’t believe it an irreversible thing, but it is still powerful nonetheless. I’ve mentioned on a few occasions before that my Dad and I did not spend a lot of time together during my childhood, but some of his ways and thinking seem to mirror mine. More specifically, they were some things about myself that I’ve been looking to improve upon. Not that they were bad or whatever, just needed some tweaking. The space that I’m in right now is allowing me to see clearly that changes need to be made in my Life. Seeing where some of these habits come from (without placing “blame”) allows me to approach them from a broader perspective, and be gentler with myself in the process. It also brings to light some of the things that were hidden and didn’t quite fit. In other words, I can go deeper now that I have a better frame of reference for some of the questions I had. I’m grateful for the recognition and the process.

The Power of "I don't know"...

Recovery takes time…

But time is of the essence…

Here’s the thing. I am a recovering know it all. Yes, I was that guy who had ALL the answers. Even if you had the correct answer I would slide in with a side of semantics just to be included in the correctness. It had gotten to the point where I would make up “facts” if I didn’t have the answer hoping no one would fact check it. Crazy...right?  Then I encountered some folks (some I already knew) who took “knowitallness” to another level, and I would get extremely annoyed. I got annoyed because one the shit was annoying and B. it caused me to look at my own behavior. So you know what that meant, yeah I was annoying too. Shit! So began (and am continuing) the journey of I don’t know. In the past I considered I don’t know to be a sign of ignorance, and I equated ignorance with stupidity. The two are NOT the same! Ignorance and stupidity are not the same. Through time and usage we have intertwined the two, and it often feels like irrevocably. I am recognizing now that I don’t know is the (or could be) beginning of an educating process. The first steps to learning something new, because I am a curious person when I don’t know something I look it up. When I knew it all, that rarely happened. I would give my answer and leave it at that. There are times now that I will say I don’t know even if I do know, so I can hopefully learn something new instead of leaning on my old understanding and way of doing things. I guess that would be call growth. There are many ways to skin a cat (why would you though?) and just because I know one way doesn’t mean that other ways aren’t equally as effective.

“Time won’t give me time…”

It sometimes felt like I was in a constant state of “recovery”. Creating ailments and issues to overcome and conquer. I mean why not, it feels good to “conquer” something right? Then you get to share that victory and get pats on the back and yeah…but then what? When does the wellness begin? When does the fruit of meditating and yoga and eating right become your absolute way of life? What happens when you realize the dead dragon you’ve slayed 100 times won’t get back up, and the audience that cheered the first slaying are no longer impressed? Creating imaginary foes is exhausting, more exhausting than fighting the real ones. The mind is powerful; something imagined can have more strength and weigh on us in ways that real foes don’t have the power to.  

“Time after time…”

Words and intentions are cute and often well intended, but actions are the barometer. Will my actions coincide with my intentions? Before my answer would be “time will tell”. That was an indictment on that fact that I didn’t believe I could change. Yes has to be the answer. It is the ultimate dragon slayer. It is the bridge to newness. It opens up doors and creates possibilities. When I began acting and we were studying improv the very first rule was do not deny. To me that was equated with say yes to the situation. Life can be like that, denial stops growth in its tracks. Yes gives us an opportunity to grow. Knowing it all is a form of denial. It inhibits growth, and can be counterproductive. Know what you are saying yes to, and if you don’t know (or even if you do know)…ask.