The Newness revisited

Wow, so I haven't posted here since August. Time flies and to be quite honest I kind of forgot this was here until today. A lot has transpired since my last post. My Aunt who is very special to me passed away, I left the LA to return to Brooklyn and I gave away a majority of my possessions. I feel freer than I have in many years and I have no expectations of what I think tomorrow should look like. I truly don't know and really don't want to know. I like being in the moment right now. It has really very little to do with the New Year since I am not the resolution type of dude, but I am committed to embracing the changes I made in 2012 and expanding them from here on out. It is important to know where I am going and I like who I am in getting there. Life is Good. God is Good . And So It Is.

Feel Something

Today while taking a stroll through Lake Shrine, I stopped at one of the waterfalls to take in some deep breaths and just relax. First, before I go on, if you are not familiar with Lake Shrine it is a meditation garden right off of Pacific Coast Highway and Sunset Boulevard in Santa Monica or Pacific Palisades. Anyway it is one of the most beautiful, relaxing and elegant places in SoCal. I love it. So yeah, I was taking a walk through and I saw a fish stuck between two rocks, it looked like it had been there for a while. I obviously couldn't tell if it was dead or alive, but I had the sudden urge to do something. Which is weird for me, because I don't believe people should harm animals and all that but I am not the most Rah Rah pet/animal dude in the world. I didn't want to reach in the myself to lodge it free, because one it was a little out of my reach and I didn't want to startle the staff and other guests by thinking a mad man jumped into lake. So I continued my walk and I notified the staff of the situation, one of them went to check on it. When I got back around again I went to check and the fish was removed. I didn't ask anymore about it. I simply let it be.

I am increasingly becoming more compassionate. I think that is the word for it. I am feeling something more and more each day. Sometimes a since of just despair will hit me, this is interesting because I cannot think of the last time I actually watched the news. Twitter has really kept me abreast of what is going on in the world and I do read some print online media from time to time. The thing I really noticed is that there is a lot of anger and tension manifesting in our behavior right now. I always say our because I don't like to disassociate mySelf from people and act like I am above or better than anyone or anything. So yeah, even before the two tragic events in Colorado and Wisconsin. Place like Chicago and Philadelphia have seen astronomical rises in violence, especially in the Black and poor communities. The part that has really hit home for me is the ages of a lot of the victims. A lot have been teenagers and young adults. The shocking part is how easily we've dismissed it. We assume they are gang-bangers or drug dealers. We've looked for ways to disassociate ourselves from this issue, because we don't believe our politicians can or will do something we have stopped asking. We sit by and watch as a whole generation collapses. 

My first step is to continually pray for peace. I started to do this before but I will send prayers specifically to Philly and Chicago. I will email, politicians and local non-profits to see how they are combating the issue and see how I can help remotely and when the opportunity arises more hands on. Faith without works is dead. I believe in the spiritual path first and foremost but I also I still believe in action. The thing I admired about Jesus was his action. He fed the hungry, he raised the dead and he did what needed to be done in the moment. We can wait for someone to uplift or we can roll up our sleeves and uplift one another.

Assessing situations

The Ego has reared its head again. My sister bought me a book on relationships. I didn't know how to take it really. I've explained to her that being in a relationship is not a top priority for me right now. Yes I would like to be in a relationship and yes sometimes being single has its drawbacks. That being said Life is happening for me and to me right now. Some things exhilarating in a positive sense and others well they are causing me some angst, but I am in it. A relationship could enhance it or not who knows, but I won't go searching for one just to be in one, and I am not quite sure that a book would solve the issue for me anyway. 

 WAIT...This wasn't even supposed to be about the book...woos-sah

Now I have loss track of what it is I am writing about. Final thought on that. I read a lot of books that deal with spirituality. Not so much into the self-help genre...Love you sis. :-D

So the assessing situations. As I am preparing to leave on apartment for another. I am going through things and looking at where I am with Life etc., and well I don't know where I am...LOL...That's the honest truth. Things have been hectic and chaotic in my mind more than any place else and I have not allowed mySelf to just take a step back and breathe...woo-sah...between writing, creating, working and playing I have just been going non-stop since early June. As I sit here writing this I can feel the lack of centeredness in the pit of my stomach. There is an uneasiness. Not bad but just hectic and uncertain. I have to remember to stop be still and just breathe. It will help. It always has...

Alright I came here for something else and once again my Mind meandered. Bottom line is I need to appreciate the activities that have been going on in my Life but to remember being still is extremely important. Life is good...    

Oh shit!

People actually read this...I mean wow. I just checked the audience numbers for the blog for the first time. 


I guess I thought people would. Maybe friends and some family. I am shocked maybe impressed, but the humility won't let me say that. Even though I just did. ;-)


As I began writing this it really was just about me expressing who I am. I disabled the comment section well because it was really just about me sharing, not others correcting. My desire was in me sharing my journey it would inspire others in some way to look within and rise up as I needed to. I am still rising!


I know that I am not alone in the challenges that arise in life. Whether it is desiring a  relationship or looking for financial stability everyone (or most everyone) has their something that is has been a challenge to overcome. 


My guardedness brought me to this point. I don't know if I am any less guarded when it comes to the emotional "vulnerability" type shit but I have seen a more willingness to step out of my comfort zone. That was one of the goals of this, but the chief goal still is to improve my quality of life. 


Change just for the sake of change is not enough for me. Breaking down the barriers that bonded me to mediocrity is my ultimate goal and purpose.

I have an EGO...there I said it. I can at times be stubborn...let it go. I've been known to be a know it all...purge. I am impatient and have had bouts of moodines...woooo saaaah.

Whew I had to let that out. See as of late I've been putting myself under a lot of pressure to be sort of perfect, and in my mind sometimes I make everything about me when it really isn't. I take things personally and create conflicts where none exist. It was a trait that was popular for me in the past and as I spoke on yesterday sometimes old habits die hard. When things are not going as planned I have a desire to inch back into my comfort zone. When I need a timeout from people, places or things instead of me just taking the timeout, I would create havoc to give me a reason for the timeout. I would look at alone time kind of as a punishment instead of just what it is, a time to reflect and regroup. I like being alone. I am cool around other folks as well but my alone time is precious to me, and I felt like I needed an excuse to take it. I don't!

Yeah I think that is all I have for today. I never know how to end these things. Kind of feels like one of the old Spike Lee movies. Where I just yell at the screen and yell wake up, but I am wide awake. That is why I am doing this. Because I am awake to not only changing but improving. Getting better and sharing that journey. I will acknowledge actually that I have improved. Sometime that self-acknowledgment doesn't come quick enough from me, and I don't always pat my self on the back. I no longer see my life as a train wreck waiting to happen. It is a journey and I am in charge of the journey. I am progressing and making strides daily and by enlarge I am pretty happy with the results.

Ok, now I really don't know how to end this. The Spike Lee joke was where I intended to stop....
So.....WAKE UPPPPPPPPPP!

Going Within

So, a few months back I did this 21 day winter meditation challenge through the Chopra Center, and it was really good. I fell back off my practice of meditating but that was on me not them. Yeah, so I received an email saying that they would be doing a 21 day summer challenge. Low and behold another chance to get this right. The "challenge" started yesterday and it was and has been a challenge, because for whatever reason I have not been able to access the meditations through my phone like I could before. I have my own theories but whatever, bottom line is I couldn't get on to do it. Usually I would get all kinds of frustrated and go off on some tangent about this that or the third. This morning I tried again and to no avail. (Side note spiritual center or not customer service should respond lol). I digress...oh yeah...this was something I was looking forward to and felt I "needed" in my spiritual growth and development. The excuses began to roll out of my mouth, and it would have been very easy to give up and move on. Then the thought hit me. Go on without it, ok actually I said fuck it but not in the negative tone but more of a there is another solution and I will find it sort of way. 

The penchant for excuse making was a great hobby for me. There were excuses for every situation imaginable, and if not I found a way to develop one. Then when my mom passed, when I was 16, for a while I had a ready made excuse and was able to coast through with minimal effort exerted. The result was that I received minimal reward, and very few people were willing to call me on the laziness because they "couldn't imagine what I was going through". Then when that was no longer a viable option as an excuse I would manufacture another one and keep the lethargy party rolling. What exacerbated matter more was that I was a great talker. Yeah, so needless  to say  this period in my life was filled with mediocrity in effort and results. As with many things old habits die hard and recognition is the first step. Gratefully I am not that cat anymore, but I still am working my way into the man I am destined to be. It is a life long process. There is no simple pill to digest that will cure what was, but understanding that life can be much better when there is honesty and trust with myself has helped me more that any outside source I can think of.

So I'm writing this as I am releasing the need to rely on anything else outside of mySelf. The lesson for today was trust in yourself, and the answers will appear. I was once told and then read many times some things should come to me with ease and grace, and spiritual enlightenment falls in that category for me. If something or someone is able to assist me in my growth that is awesome and I am all for it, but there is a difference between assistance and dependence. I am totally accepting of assistance while letting go of the dependence. Woooo Saaaaah.... ;-)

The Journey

What I came for was an acting career what I got is a spiritual awakening...

When I moved to LA I was hell bent on kick-starting my acting career. I had grown complacent and outside of a few student films and a few plays in Brooklyn I was not even really trying. So I figured a change of scenery would do me wonders (plus NYC changed after 9/11). Little did I know how much it would do for me. I have grown exponentially since the move. Much more than just as an actor but as an artist, a person, an activist and a man. Along the way I have realized that I am a storyteller. I love writing and expressing myself via words and ideas. Today more than ever I am more confident in my writing and creative abilities. There is work still to be done of course, but this feels right in ways that other endeavors have not. I'm continuously discovering new things that inspire me when I sit down and write and focus my attention on that. I get lost in the page and things(magic) happens for me. Knowing your purpose brings a certain power with it that opens more doors than I could have ever imagined...

So yeah the spiritual awakening part. Part of what I realized recently was that there was a spirituality missing in my art and activism. There was that aspect that I admired in many of the elders who made sacrifices for me to be hear today had. God! I believed God existed but I had only encounter God via religion and often there was something incomplete in how I was receiving it. I would get some meaning  from it but it was not lasting. I felt as thought God was created in man's image and not vice versa how it is supposed to be. Anyway, when I got out to Cali and was introduced to the New Thought movement (Agape, Founders and Guidance) as well as Unity Churches and Self-Realization Temples(Lake Shrine) things started to click  for me. I felt a connection for the first time of something much larger than me. It was great to be able to fellowship with people who had similar beliefs from varying backgrounds. I felt at home wherever I went even if it was for the first time. It was amazing! Through that fellow-shipping I was able to commit myself to causes that were also much larger than myself (Peace4kids and Be The Cause) and again I felt at home. I was and am able to act with Spirit in mind and I am learning to make intuitive moves instead of random guesses. A work in progress that is progressing nicely.

So as I continue my journey that may or may not take me elsewhere I am eternally grateful for the extended family I've encountered over that last 8 years, and look forward to watching Spirit escalate in our lives.

Been a long second

Been a while since I've posted in here. Don't have a reason, kind of just been overlooking it. As I prepare for the next phase in this journey called life I began to realize sharing is a big part of it for me. That is the main reason I got into arts is because of the sharing aspect of it. When I first began acting it felt good to be on stage with other folks sharing our creative inspirations. I like that. Back then I was really concerned with feedback from other, how they thought I did, what did they like about it, what could I have done differently etc. Now that part is not as important to me as much as... did I do my best at that time? Did I grow from the experience? It is no longer about pleasing other but being pleased with mySelf. Understanding that everything is not going to be for everyone and accepting that.

Anywho....I got waaaaaay off topic. I hadn't been sharing and I miss that. Not only sharing my thought but sharing the things and experiences that inspire me to be better, things that make me laugh, things that make me shake my head and things that make me go....hmmmmm ;-) I will be revamping the out look over the next few weeks. To help express the growth and development that has been occurring within me over the last few months. Some changes I won't share immediately but I will get to it, and others as I feel them and experience them I will let em rip and post immediately.

Who knows  how it will play out, but it will. I am continuously growing, changing and exploring. Sometimes it is an exhausting fearful process, and other times I am as sure as the sun is bright. I guess that is all for now. *shoulder shrug*

Peace,
MAB

PS...As I read this I also realized it is easier to share this way than in a more intimate setting (face to face) *another shoulder shrug*

Trust In Me

The first time I ever heard this song. I worked at T-Mobile(actually it was Omnipoint then) and the store was empty. I was feeling kind of lost to be honest and was looking for some kind of direction. I felt like it was a call from God to be honest. A few months later I was able to leave my job and spend the Summer in London.

Thank you and R.I.P Ms. Etta James

Thanksgiving- Thank you Dr. King

So today as I was walking home from Trader Joe's I thought to myself,"today feels like Thanksgiving." There was a deep feeling of fall in the air, plus with the holiday the streets in Toluca Lake were kind of quiet. Then it dawned on me... Today is really my Thanksgiving! We are in the midst of giving honor to a man who had an immense vision to change the injustices with the most revolutionary act possible...LOVE

So I give thanks that because of him I am able to write this blog. In large because of his vision, perseverance and dedication I have freedoms that many of my ancestors were not privy to. I am thankful for Dr. King and people like him who fought the good fight not just for themselves, but for the generations that were yet to be born. I give thanks because I was able to walk freely to and from Trader Joe's. Simple things that I sometimes over look and/or take for granted.

So as I extend my gratitude to the Spirit of the man, the Spirit that drove the man, the same Spirit that dwells within each and everyone of us. I look at the ancestors who shoulders we stand on and know that whether acknowledge it or not we are individually building a legacy that others will stand on. Knowing this fact, and understanding my responsibilities allows me to, better yet, requires me to make more conscious decisions based on Love.