Growing Pains...Or something like that

Trust
Truth
Love
Hope
Compassion
Honesty
Integrity
Choice
Richness
Silence
Gratitude
Joy
Liberation
Freedom
Fullness
Sentimental
Creativity
Generosity
...

Looking in the mirror I see the reflection of the cracking soul and spiritual stretch marks. I am eager to be something new, different and yes better, but along the way I keep seeming to forget that sometimes time is the only thing that will work. Giving me time to look at myself. Giving myself time to "smell the roses". Giving myself a space to be wrong, to err and to regroup. I see what I am capable of...matter of fact I know what I am capable of and because of that I get frustrated with myself when I don't live up to what I know I could be. I put way too much pressure on myself. I stress over the trivial aspects and the minute details. It is not working for me. There is a gap between what I do and what I should do.

Accountable
Responsible
Trustworthy
Humble
Strong
Sincere
Secure


I often see glimpses of the ideal me, then it fades. The me I know I should be. Doing the good that needs to be done...moving beyond that self absorbed person. Releasing the blame of a past that is long gone and standing fully aware that this moment is truly controllable. The goodness of the moment is not merely chance or a fluke, but it is the way my life should be lived. Daily... Speaking in the affirmative is not something I do often. It has been easier to not commit...to keep my options open and all that jazz, but in the long run(and short one too) I get uncommitted results. Or should I say inconsistent responses from myself, the Universe and every one and thing involved. It is imperative that I be able to assess my progress(or lack thereof) without blaming myself and being harsh when I feel I fall short. Critiquing without being critical is the best way I can think to say it.

Wise
Funny
Eclectic
Passionate
Smiley
Energetic
Powerful

No rhyme or reason necessary. It is what it is. Do my best at any given time, and know that great results will manifest out of it. Don't be afraid that the worse will happen. Enter into it seeing the best results already happening. Speak to myself in an affirmative tone regularly and believe it. Stop the word play and live from a deeper place. Be it. Stop running. Be Still. Have Faith. Envision it. Recognize the inherent beauty that is naturally there. Stop playing small to fit in. Yeah...something like that...no...exactly that. Yes.

Mother's Day

Yvonne Benson, MY MOM! She left the physical world 5/31/1986, and yeah I have spoken about it but never really talking about the impact she had on me. I kind of put up a shield or a guard and spoke about her in vagueness. Yeah, I have and will always Love my Mother. It is because of her allowing me to be me and feel things(I cried alot as a young child) that I am as creative and compassionate (and all the other qualities I admire in me) as I am today. Yvonne Benson had/has a strong personality and people understood her point of view on things very clearly from the first moment they met her. But she raised me very differently, she raised me to care about things outwardly(she cared a lot but kept it bottled in) and to understand that being a Man was not all about being macho and a rah rah attitude. I was told to listen, pay attention, and to think for myself. She told me she would always have my back if I was right, and I believe that to this day! She still has my back. She also told me that if she had my back and I mislead her she would not go easy on me either. And she didn't, but now I have integrity because of that. I am a stronger Man, a better Human Being and a productive Citizen because of her. My Mom had a crazy sense of style and people really dug that about her. She didn't believe in copying others and looked to be The Original at all times. She had me understand that sometime it was ok to stand alone. Don't always follow the pack is what she said time and time again. I remember when I was about 10 or 11 , if that, she went to the hair dresser and came home with her colored Plum. I thought it was purple but she corrected me and everyone else who got it wrong. Yeah she did her on thing even way back then, and the is why I am not afraid to do mine! I am truly thankful and grateful for the Man that I am and the lion's share of the credit goes to Yvonne Benson.

Mom, your Wease(one of her many names for me) is doing better than okay and on this day and every day I thank You for that. I love you

Comfort Zone

Comfort is what you have when God gives you the victory. Then, you can pass it on to others." ~Raye Adkins


Fear is corruptible. I like me. I love me actually. That is an important thing for me to remember. I sometimes give my power away! I give other outside sources more credit than I give myself. I underestimate my own power and self worth. This particular time it is a job that I am falling prey too. It is consuming me, and it is not something I like. It is important for me to realize where my strength lies. It is in my creativity. My true strength is in my art. That is my purpose and that is where my attention has to remain. Everything else is transient. Actually everything is transient. We are always evolving and the same way something or someone comes into my Life in Diving Timing it will continuously happen when I am centered in Spirit. Now that is where my unmovable strength truly resides. In Spirit! The only thing that is not temporary in my Life. Spirit.

Happiness is key. Joy is what I am seeking. Expanding my self in ways that seemed improbable merely a few weeks ago. Releasing that fear that stopped me from claiming the desires of my heart. Love, Career, Family etc. Taking a moment to breathe and center myself. Picturing the goodness that is available to me and in me. Being comfortable in discomfort. Yeah I don't know. It all seems so simple some days, and then others days it feels like solving some algebraic equation. Most days I have more questions than answers and I am cool with that, but there are times when I just want to know. I wanna know what the future holds for me. I just wanna know when it will all jump off. I wanna, I wanna I wanna...this is when it is important for me to remember the things I always seem to forget. God knows and I need to trust in It more. Meditate and pray more. Continue to give and live freely. To not worry about tomorrow, but to enjoy today and bask in the glory of It all right now. I am blessed.

Perceptions

We grow and we change. The very things that seemed so very clear can become muddled and mired in an instance. We resist that change and try to hold on to that feeling that invigorated us sooooo much. Life goes on though, and we do ourselves a disservice by attempting to recreate a past that has moved on. I have noticed my resistance lately. It has manifested itself once again in the form of another person in my life. I have said before I am magnificent at giving advice, but receiving advice...well whoa... I got this. I have been better at not giving my opinion lately, after all is just my opinion and at the end of the day it only matters to me(if you get what I'm saying). But my friend kept asking me what I thought and for everything I said there was a level of resistance. As I was about to get annoyed I took a pause to do a quick internal check. Why is this bothering me? In what part of my Life is this relevant? I noticed that I am resistant to a few things right now, especially when I think someone is trying to "change me". I can be strong willed and yet comfortable with my routine. I do no mind change just on my own terms(ha), and I put up strong resistance when I feel something being "forced" upon me. So it is important for me to be more flexible and less controlling was the lesson that immediately came to me. I am sure the deeper meaning will also be revealed as well.

This was going somewhere totally different when I started it, but the necessity of the moment was more about a recognition of an issue that was dominating my thoughts. When this blog started it was about sharing a journey, my journey, to a better me. For better or for worse I decided to look at my thoughts and how they affect my life and make some changes. The changes have not been as drastic as I thought they would be, but they are happening. Someone told me that the key to patience is to do something else while you wait. I was not doing anything else. I was looking at the proverbial clock on the wall patting my foot and waiting to be a better person. Well there were a couple issues that came about from that approach. One and most importantly there was no acknowledgment of the person I am and the goodness that already exist. In essence I wasn't grateful for who I was(Am)...I acted like I needed to start from scratch and be a whole new me. Which was and is not the case. My purpose was and is to align my thoughts to my actions to live a more complete life. Secondly while I was waiting absolutely nothing was getting done. I don't really know what else to say about that one to be honest.

So anywho, I am trying to figure out a way to wrap this up since I don't know what it had to do with perceptions at all. Unless it is the way I am perceiving myself and the things around me. Or growth is all about perception?

Who Am I?

"We don't attract what we want, we attract who we are." Various Authors

When I first heard that quote I was indeed intimidated. I was in a "bad" place and I felt like they were telling me I was a "bad" person. What??? Come on Son...I got judgmental and defensive. At that moment I caught myself. I am soooooo good at telling folks how to "correct their situation", but the moment someone has something for me to grow on I shut it down. I get the know it all syndrome. This was important for me because I was attracting a lot of "know it all" people in my life that I felt were making my situation worse rather than better...Yeah... so I knew then what I am forgetting now, that when times of trials and tribulations come along it is not the outside source that needs to be changed...

I am growing, and I don't want to stop growing. I am not content, but I am not dissatisfied either. I am happy with what I have, but I know I am capable of so much more. It sounded (sounds) like a contradiction when I first thought of it, but it is ever so clear to me right now. I am happy with where I am on this journey, but I know the journey is far from complete.

Who I am, changes just as it remains the same. At the core of my soul I am already the goodness that I am seeking...the harmony, peace, prosperity etc...It has shown itself in a myriad of different ways and different times(daily it seems). Sometimes it gets to me actually because I want that normalcy or consistency that I am taught I should have, but I realize or am coming to realize that this is my normalcy and it will go smoother if I stop attempting to fit it into a box that someone else has handed me. Get rid of the box! It ain't me.

Weird Place

A lot of great things are unfolding in my life right now. It feels good, for the most part that is. As I step into uncharted territory in my life there is an uneasiness happening. It is like the first time I got behind the wheel of a car and realized how much power is in my hands at that moment. I feel that way now. I have so much power at my disposal through my thoughts, and how I perceive things and events. Right Thought and Right Action are a powerfully magnetic combination. The key for me now is remembering the purpose in it all, and not getting complacent because something feels good. I can appreciate what I am receiving and still understand that better things are still in the horizon.

Adendum...Be about it

"Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times you gotta call it up and invite it over for tea." Fred G. Sanford

I am tired of talking about it. As my Grandma would say to me often, "piss or get off of the pot." It is done. I am doing It. I am free of the past. I am clinging to nothing that held me stagnant. I was purging this morning and the same song was about to pop up again. And a voice inside of me I have rarely if ever heard before proclaimed..."Enough"...and so it is. Enough. I am good. I am clear. I am free.


Today is a good day.

The Truth

The truth is most days I don't know. I don't know what I am going to do that day, I don't know how things will turn out or how I will feel moment to moment. I have been uncertain and insecure. I have wallowed in self-pity and self-indulged in practices that have been extremely unproductive and unhealthy. I have hoped when I should have believed and believed when I should have let it go. I am learning and growing. Expecting and expanding. Some days it hurts, the old me was cute and comfortable. I said cute shit and people patted me on the back. The show was good... Ma look no hands...

I didn't like me...I tolerated me...I laughed at me instead of with me. I was chasing and not allowing. I was forcing and not engaging. I want something different for mySelf. I need something different. I Am something different. It is just a matter of when will I recognized it, and embrace it... purely and consistently...

Zoom....

How I been feeling today, and yesterday...

Zoom lyrics

Lionel Richie
I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don't care
'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere
I'm searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I've never seen
Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream
Dream my dream
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind is fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be
I'd like the greet the sun each morning
And walk amongst the stars at night
I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life
Well I've shared so many pains
And I've played so many games
But everyone finds the right way
Somehow
Somewhere
Someday
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'll find the love that I long to see
People can be what they wanna be
I wish the world were truly happy
Living as one
I wish the word they call freedom someday would come
Someday would come
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Everybody can be what they wanna be
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
You and me, baby
Walking free
Don't you wanna go?
Don't you wanna go?




So I will...

Faith

Faith is evidently very key to this process of growth. The question that arose in me today is, what am I placing my faith in. Am I relying on strictly blind faith or am I clear in my intentions and where I am placing my faith? These are the questions that have been on my mind and to be quite honest my thought process is not always that clear on where and what I am placing my faith in. I am hoping more than knowing or/and believing. Wishing something good would happen instead of making(allowing)good things to happen.

Right Action.

Right Thought.

Right Now.

Letting E-go

Ego is a helluva drug! We sometimes go into something with the greatest of intentions, but along the way our ego interferes. What seemed like a very good idea then becomes mangled and matted down...we don't see clearly the objective so our perspective becomes subjective...ha...I rhymed...not intentionally though...anywho...letting go of my agenda for the greater cause and having vision beyond what is seen is my purpose or/and goal. Remembering why I am here and what made me stay. My love and my passion. My desire to be more than I was when I arrived and to share some parts of me(eventually arriving at the whole of me) along the way. Letting my Life be a testimony of my principles and beliefs. Living a Truth that is beyond any other...Yeah...keeping my eye on that prize...

I needed to vent, but instead I prayed...worked out much better in the long run

Repitition

Over the last year when doing the blogs. I often worried about sounding like a broken record repeating the same thing over and over again, or going back and forth yelling "I am healed" followed by "sike, not quite". But the reality of it is that when you've been conditioned to think a certain way. There may be relapses into what was once comfortable. I cannot worry about being perfect in this journey. It is more important to me to be real and honest. There are definite things about myself that I need to change, not only change but to improve on is more accurate. Change can mean a lot of different things, all of them not good. Improvement is what it is. It is necessary for me right now. I am committed to being that which I seek. I committed to being it Now. Daily.

I am better than okay.

I am better than good.

I am better than I am giving myself "credit" for.

I remember the very first time I stepped into Agape. Rev Michael was not there that day. The speaker was Bro. Ishmael Tetteh. He received a glowing introduction, and when he got up he responded by saying that everything she has said is true. I was taken aback for a few seconds, then he said why wouldn't it be true if we are created in the Image and Likeness of God. Point, game and match. I got it then. I remember it almost daily, but in essence I have had a hard time applying it to me. I have questioned my worthiness, even as I see it in those around me.

Like attracts Like!

Stop questioning the obvious...

Trust in It...

Happy Anniversary

*exhaling*

Yeah so one year ago today I set out to change my thoughts and change my life. Inspired by Wayne Dyer title to his book, I decided that enough was enough and mediocre thinking was no longer a valid option. So yeah, as I was posting a blog this week I was curious about when I started blogging about it, and to my surprise I was coming up on a year of postings. As I went back I could feel myself holding back on what was really happening with me. Even as I type this I feel like something more should be coming out. But as they say, "It is what it is."... Yeah... I looked back for a brief moment over this year really curious as to if and how I have changed my thoughts. I did change a lot! I grew immensely. I shared more of myself than I ever have. I recognized and realized my passion as a filmmaker and storyteller. I have cultivated a lot of new and inspiring relationships, while eliminating a few toxic ones. My penchant for procrastinating is still pretty steady to say the least, but I am moving in a direction I like. Back to the thoughts though, because that is what is important to my Spiritual, Physical and Emotional survival! I was expecting some overnight revelations and shifts that would be evident to everyone and everything. I was expecting to walk on water and elevate the whole planet with me. I was expecting instead of allowing. So while my thoughts have "improved" the next phase in the process is to not put expectations on the change, and simply Be that Change. Live the growth, and to not worry about if others are noticing. Be Still and Know.

Over the next phase of my journey (without putting any pressure or expectation) I will be looking at my thoughts around money, intimacy and relationships. I have mentioned before I had (can't claim it as my Now) a poor relationship with loot. I would not be able to keep it simply because I feared losing it. I had unhealthy upbringings surrounding it and never learned how to deal with it properly. I recognized it and know it stems from my overall thinking that wealth and financial security is for the chosen few and I felt that I was outside of that circle looking in. Intimacy....hmmm...yeah...not just on the physical level, but really letting folks (some) know the real me. The other me. The blog is cool, but it still allows me to keep folks at a comfortable distance. *Sidebar*... I never really came to far out of my comfort zone over this last year. Whenever challenges arose I retreated back to a comfortable position. So with changing my thoughts has to come a change in actions. ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming. So I have to trust that the friends I have can honor the space in which we choose to share our feelings, dreams or anything else that should come up. The same way that I have to honor that space for them. I am still bottling stuff up to a certain degree, and it is past time to open that cap. Relationships and intimacy kind of go hand in hand(is it hand in hand or hand n hand on hand and hand), but I also mean business and artistic relationships too. My personal aloofness has meandered over into how I deal with folks on the business and artistic side as well. I kept my creative dreams locked down, for fear that they wouldn't be well received. So now it is just about creating the vision and allowing it to go where it may. No expectations. No Doubt.

Well all of that is to say. Yes I have grown. I am moving in a direction I can see mySelf being successful in. I must honor my ideas as real and necessary. Gotta meditate, pray and journal a little more and continue to story tell. I love it. More importantly I gotta gotta gotta keep being honest with Me! Keep loving and appreciating me, and keep honoring the Divine within Me (and You too).

Revelations, Reflections and Gratitude

As I approach the one year anniversary of this blog, I had and exchange today that made grateful and reflective all in one. I had a "conversation" today with someone who took exception to one of my post that there is goodness in the world. I am not one to argue over peoples beliefs...I am not in the business of being right... I am more interested in being sincere and honest. Anyway...their view is that we live in a miserable world right now and cannot wait until the "new system" comes so they can be happy. I didn't judge, but I also didn't share my beliefs too deeply because I know (or could sense) that they were not receptive to any other understanding but their own. Yeah, it sent me into a myriad of meditations and reflections today...which led to moments of both elation and melancholy...

I am grateful for my evolution as a person. I shy away from giving myself too much (ok any) credit for anything, but I am truly grateful that the experiences and people that have been put on my path have inspired and enlighten way of not only thinking but living. I am choosing to be more compassionate with me. Cutting me some "slack" ya know. I will stop stressing over the small things and appreciate that which I have. Something may or may not always be better than nothing, but I am loving whatever I have now.

God is Good Always...

Let's talk about Sex...

So, yesterday morning I got an email on facebook from a young lady asking me if I knew another lady by the name of blah blah. I said that the name did not ring a bell and asked where I would know her from. She said I would have known her from Philly or the military, I commence to tell her that I was never in the military, but I was born and raised in Philly. Then she states that she doesn't mean to bother me, but she is looking for her biological father and wanted more info from me! Wow...now my heart is racing and I am having mad flashbacks to when this could be and all that goes with it. I also had to do a search for my father although my search was a lot easier since I had met him a few times as a child and spent time with his aunt when I was very young. So my first intention was to be as helpful as possible since I know how difficult of a process it is to start and go through. So I give her some info about me, and she tells me his birthday and it turns out to not be me. I was both happy that it wasn't me, but sad that she had to continue this search for the man who help to conceive her.

Lately, I have been having many conversations around sex...both in larger groups and in more intimate settings. What it means to different people and all of that. I shared with a couple of the groups that I have been abstinent, and didn't go too much more into details. Some of the other people too were waiting, some for marriage others of us until we feel a deeper understanding of who we are with and why we are there. Some people felt that it was just sex and not really a big deal. With that I totally disagree. Sex it the most powerful act two(or more) people can engage in. Its ultimate end leads to Life! I thought more about that yesterday than ever before. I had been pretty careless when it came to sex in my younger years (and not so younger years). I was not always as protected as I should have been, and didn't think much of it. Yesterday was the second time my mind raced back to the days when I was carefree in Philly and other places. The first was a few years back when I needed an HIV test for my life insurance plan. As I waited for the results I was anxious beyond belief. When it came back cool I vowed to take sex more seriously and recognize the Divinity in its Act. To me it is sacred and I am not in the business of preaching, but I have on many occasions seen the end result of lack of communication surrounding sex. People do not talk about their expectations of their relationship after wards and it changes things. I believe in making conscious choices now, with my mind, body and soul. I have not and will not put time limits on anything, but I will know when it is the right time to make any choice I make around it.

Creating A Safe Place

"When cut deep the same blood we bleed/We're not immune to addiction or disease/Got violent deaths in our family trees." Citizen Cope

I got some disturbing news very early this morning regarding two of my family members. It kind of took me by surprise but then again it really didn't. My family's way of dealing with things is to ignore and deny until it builds into some seemingly irreconcilable occurrence. When I got the news I looked for a safe haven for my Self, to ponder, revitalize and recharge. I couldn't find solace no matter where I turned. I grew increasingly agitated and frustrated. Why can't I ever seem to get what I give(or am I)? I just wanted(want) peace! Finally found someone to talk to and vent my frustrations about a myriad of things, when it dawned on me. God is my safe place. It is always with me. I do not have to anything other than Be Still to access It! The Power and the Presence is Ever-Present. I was going there when the weather was good, but avoiding it when it is needed most. God always understands! I do not have to beg, prod or cajole It... The safe place has already been created I need to follow the most effective advice I always give and pray and meditate on It. Whatever it is...

Time is on My Side

As I was in a contemplative mood today this song played...




Then I realized music calms the savage beast and that includes ego....





I am glad I have stopped running and am wiling to shine...Life is Good


God is Good...

Restlessness is my nemesis

"My restlessness is my nemesis/It's hard to really chill and sit still/committed to page/I write rhymes/sometimes won't finish for days" Mos Def

I always loved that line by Mos Def...I could/can relate to it. When I am in a creative mode I can't sit still. There may be a few other factors, but I got to get into the world and just move and shake and do. I love people watching, and sharing ideas, especially when folks are respectful of the space and don't bring fear and propaganda into the equation. Fear has been big on my mind lately, and how it permeates itself into our dialogue seamlessly and without much effort. Our family fears about taking risks become our own eventually(if we are not aware). Our nations fear of change and growth dominate the overall mainstream dialogue and we continue in a place of complacency and idleness. I get it too! Growth is not the most comfortable thing, I still battle with my Wall Of Jericho(fear)...anywho...

Yeah...I am progressing in my meditation and being able to "sit still" physically, and now I am beginning to look at the mental side of the stillness equation. That is where the clarity comes in, and in this very moment I am in need of some more clarity and direction. Cranking up that spiritual GPS if you will. I was consumed by the the things missing in my Life, now I am understanding what it really means to be grateful for what I have....

Standing Tall

"No man is an island but I often feel alone So I find peace through...'Ohm...'" Saul Williams

So a little while ago...about a week now I guess... I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine Z about asking for help and doing it all yourself. He was sharing with me when challenges arise instead seeking help he rolls up his sleeves and "tries harder" if you will. His overall point was that it hadn't served him and his business well and now he is learning to reach out more, but it is still difficult to do. I related entirely with what he was saying. I have turned down help (recently even) even though I really needed it because seeking help was just not something I can or could do easily. Ego gets in the way. Practice makes it perfect, and I am letting go of anything that doesn't serve me. Some releasing has taken place immediately and some has taken longer that I anticipated, but I see the progress and know that I am better today than I was yesterday, and will be better tomorrow...

Demons at the Gate

"Worry is like payment on a bill that isn't due yet"...unknown


Today I woke up just with just worry, doubt and fear just banging on the gates of my mind. Through my morning spiritual rituals I couldn't shake it. They manifested themselves in back pain and headaches and all other types of ailment(physical and mental). That being said there is a lot of construction happening in my crib right now so there is crazy dust and dirt happening. Anywho, I was ready to pack it in real early. Not go do my errands or film the things I planned to film today. I was battling hard to get it going. Then I decided for a moment to not resist. Not in the I give up sort of way, but ok fine I may not be good enough, but I am gonna do It anyway. I may not have enough loot, but I am gonna treat myself anyway. Etc. So yeah I gave them nothing to fight against. I figured I would give that a try, and see what happens.

It has been almost a year since I started this blog, and I have been thinking a lot about what my purpose is/was for doing this. It dawned on me a few weeks ago that this blog is not about having the answers, but revealing my questions as they arise. To share with others, so just maybe those questions can assist others on their journey. Those are the blogs and other writings that appeal to me. The ones that allow me some insight to my own life through theirs. Not in the living vicariously through other folks, but in sharing their vulnerabilities it enables me the freedom to see mine. Yeah, something like that.

Don't Sweat The Technique

“Do or do not... there is no try.” Yoda

Today I was thinking about a conversation I had many years back when I first started acting. At the time I had been taking acting classes for a few years at Freedom Theatre in Philly and had a good friend of mine Warren who had been there pretty much as long as me. Anywho, one day in between classes we were talking about techniques and approaches and all that, when he turns to me and says we have so much technique happening right now that is causing us to over think and not feel the character. He said that he can see us trying to be the character and worrying about technique instead of just doing it. It made a lot sense to me and I began to put some of the techniques aside and went back to the organic style and if a role required it then I would dig deeper into different techniques and all that. I say all of that to say that today I noticed the same thing happening in my spiritual life...I was doing all this prep to get ready to be prepared to....yeah anyway...I was thinking about it instead of just being IT! So I then decided to simply take it back to first grade...sticks and stones...if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything...as well as the highest commandment of them all... Love Thy neighbor as Thyself! Simply put...Just Be!

Speaking of technique. I have been looking at footage of of my short Casual Friday, and there are definitely some things I need to learn about the process...right??? Didn't I just...well... in this particular case there were lighting and sound things that I could have done differently. So I went to the library picked up a few books so I can know what the hell I am talking about. Artistry doesn't have to be devoid of technical savvy either. Each time out I should (and will) do a better job. One of the things is to practice shooting things as many things as I possibly can. Even if I just invite friends over and shoot a random scene. I am excited that the sky is the limit when it comes to my artistry, and I am grateful to have an incredibly encouraging support system.

Growth and Expansion

"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional" Unknown


Been toiling back and forth a lot about what to say in this blog. Wrote, deleted stuff and rewrote it again quite a few times. Then I realized I was writing some extra guarded things. The purpose of me writing these entries is not to say I have the answers or anything like that. It is to explore my growth and expansion and some days retractions. I read a blog from someone (can't remember who) whose honesty touched me in a way that I had to get on that path, and share things as I experience them. I have seen a lot of times people criticize others (positive and negative) as they share their experiences, instead of going within themselves and figuring out what their journey. Easier choice to play the sidelines and be the Monday morning Quarterback, than to actually get in the "Game Of Life" and improve on ourSelves...I know from first hand experience because I have been very much guilty of this and n0t just in some far off time, but in my recent history as well.

I have a passion about people! I love to people watch. That is my passion as an artist. I love to observe the way relationships evolve and unravel. It is amazing the way people interact with each other and unconsciously make decisions based on whatever is happening in their life at that particular moment. My goal as a filmmaker and writer is to bring these intricacies alive. When I watch a film even if it is an action film, I am always curious about the characters "backstory"...I love to talk to people find out more about who they are. I just love it. I love Life! Laughing is also very important to me. Just had to say that.

Rushing

When a book is extremely good to me I have a tendency to wanna rush to the end of the chapter or the end of the book sometimes. Inevitably, what happens to me then is that I have to back track because I missed some pertinent information that ties the whole story together, and because I missed it I am left confused about so and sos part in the plot. I am noticing that same pattern of behavior in my relationships. If it is good to me I wanna rush to the good part(not merely physical) and I(we) miss out on vital things that would make the relationship that much stronger.

I am very conscious of time. How long it should take to do something, being on time and many different things of that nature. This being said, I have always felt I was doing my meditations "wrong" because it was hard for me to "sit still"for 10, 15 or 30 minutes. My mother once lost a bet with my aunt that I couldn't sit still and keep quiet for 5 minutes, and so the seed was planted and the habit in place... "That boy just just can't sit still"... While having a conversation with a very good friend yesterday it was "rebrought" to my attention to start with 30 seconds or a minute and go from there. This made perfect sense, but what even worked "better" for me after some more thought is doing smaller meditations and moments of silence throughout the day. It worked wonderfully for me yesterday(and this morning)! I was much more focused and able to relax when I took those moments as they came and went into stillness instead of worrying about one large chunk. Which then reminded me of something I said to someone earlier in the week. God doesn't recognize time. Time is a man made construct. If my purpose of meditation and stillness is to connect to God(which it is) then length of time should not matter over quality.

The Path

Opening myself up to the new! Releasing the readiness to sabotage something that feels right. Breaking the old patterns and living strictly in the moment has been a goal or objective of mine for quite a while now. I have mentioned a few times I am constantly looking out of the proverbial rear-view mirror of life, causing unnecessary stress in the process. I have proven time and time again that the laws I continuously speak of work, I just have let them work in my favor. I have dwelt on things that no longer serve me and my "bigger" and "brighter" future. I imagined the worse and claimed to be shocked when it happened. Well I am seeing the need to run from that which is good because I fear messing it up or not being worthy of it. Recognition and changing the unwanted behavior was something I talked about but made minimal efforts to do it. Talk is cheap as they say. This next phase is gonna take effort, not struggle, but some much needed effort to rise above those fears that change can bring.

I am excited not for only my tomorrow, but for my Now. I am excited that Now is the time when I can create consciously my Life. Now is when I can speak my truth and allow it to blossom. Now is what I always avoided, but is where I always am. Now is beautiful, but I refused to look. Now I am ready...I used to say ready for whatever and I got whatever...literally...so I will say(and Be) I am ready for the best of things and the best of life. Yes

This song

Makes it all seem better...

Sometimes you just know...

The words don't come, and it doesn't always make sense...you just know...you can't explain it even to yourself, but you just know! You don't need to justify it to yourself or anyone else it just fits cause you know. You aren't concerned with what tomorrow will bring or anything else. The things that seemed important are now deemed insignificant because you just know. It works for you now cause you know. The knowing brings a smile to your face and eases the insecurities of yesterday. You know. You may wanna tell it, but it is best to just show it. You know, the truth works like that. The truth is that. I know and am ready to show...

Vision Quest

So I was gonna write about what I perceive as certain level of unhappiness in people. I've been working in the public customer service sector lately and have come across many different attitudes. As I sat down and started to type I realized I should not give it any more energy than the one sentence I have already given it. There are so many beautiful souls surrounding me that deserve so much more of my attention and energy. The the concept of life and the journey has been on my mind. The comparisons of life and a car ride if you will, focusing on what is in front of you and not what is behind you and keeping your eyes on where you want the car to go. In life (and sometimes in the car) I have focused on what is in the rear view and not what is in front of me. It's all about recognition and I am recognizing it is time to truly acknowledge the Beauty and Divinity that surrounds me. That is Me!

Instead of focusing on the negatives in the convention show I worked on I wanna talk about the cat David who always had a smile on his and kind word for everyone around him. He made the days absolutely hilarious. I wanna talk about Kit who is simply amazing and a joy to talk to every time we chat. Or Nicole whose undying support and comfort is invaluable and can't be put into words. Big Sis Jovida who has been my "protector" since day one. BGaff from BK who constantly challenges me compassionately to strive higher. The countless people who I have only dialogued with online whose creativity is a motivational as life long friends. These are just a few of the amazing souls who motivate and inspire me daily and more. I love my Life and the people in my Life. I am truly Blessed.

Family

"Family is a mixed blessing. You're glad to have one, but it's also like receiving a life sentence for a crime you didn't commit."

I've been reflecting a lot lately about my family. I have not been home in a bit, and I am starting to feel the void of not seeing them face to face. I appreciate the Cali fam I have here and they definitely add a real value to my life, but some times as Dorothy said, "there is no place like home." I've said before that I don't think I can live in Philly anymore, and I still feel that way. I also think that me not living there helps to make my visits special. We realize that we don't have a lot of "time", so we don't waste time arguing...or should I say arguing as much... Yeah definitely time to make a visit.

I come from a pretty big family. My mom was the youngest of 13 children, and most of them had multiple children and they had multiple children and so on. So the diverseness and uniqueness of my aunts, uncles and cousins is pretty fascinating. They range from ministers to hustlers and everything in between. The stories I have and the things I've learned are things for sitcom and drama all rapped up into one. The love I have for all of my family is not always easily put into words, but it is undeniable in my heart and soul. The love they have for me is equally undeniable even when it is not always spoken with words...Actions most times do speak louder than words...

Hodgepodge

"They say the goodness in life belongs to those who believe. So, I believe..." - Mos Def

Been having a lot on my mind today. Bouncing around thoughts, ideas, dreams and everything in between. Thought a lot about my family structure how we interact with each other, how I am distant from them and more importantly why. Been psyched about the next project I wanna shoot, and all kind of creative ideas that inspire me. Been pondering the notion of support and how we can support each other in our dreams for our lives. Social networking is cool, and facebook in particular has re-connected and connected me in ways that are beyond phenomenal. But in the same token it has allowed me to not pick up the phone, to not say hello, to not drive up to my friends house and just give them a hug and it has helped to build a greater distance between me and those I care about(of course the ultimate responsibility falls back on me). Nothing changes if nothing changes. So tomorrow I will begin to reach out to someone via phone. Anyone, I will pick up the phone and just say hello, how are you? Yadda Yadda Blah blah...

So as a child I cried a lot. I was told countless times that I was "over" or "too" emotional...especially for a boy...ya know? So started the drilling about manhood and all that crap... never really dug telling someone they are overly this or too that...who and what determines what is the proper amount of whatever. Anyway I digress, I've begun to tear down the walls of separation between me and my creativity, my compassion and my emotions. They are all interconnected. It is great to feel and share those feelings. Whining is something different though... Haha... Anywho, that was just some of what has been goings on in my head today. All in all it is and was a great day.

Laughter...

"Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine' never had gonorrhea"...My Name Is Earl

I love to laugh! I feel at my best when I have a smile on my face and laughter in my heart. I love when folks around me are laughing with me. Growing up I was a huge fan of Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby. I read Richard Pryor's autobiography a few years back and it is one of my favorite books of all time period. One of the things that really stood out to me when he said the world has enough to cry about and he wants to give them something to laugh about. That statement resonates with me. With so much anguish going on in the world to bring some hope through laughter and compassion is one of the purposes of my art. Mean Spirited "humor" never moves me. It is too easy, but to each their own. Ya know?

So yeah, I don't feel like I have been laughing as much as I would like as of late. Like belly aching, crying and snotting laughter. Been taking me more serious than I need to. I take the things I believe in seriously but I don't really like to take me seriously. I've done serious work and will continue to volunteer etc., but one of the things that I enjoy about the organizations I've been blessed to be a part of is their willingness to embrace humor in their daily work. Maybe it is what keeps them sane and going on...laughing to keep from crying. So yeah, it's time to implement more laughter back into my daily diet.

Saying Yes

So today I've been thinking about saying yes and what it is I am saying yes to. I am learning that the Universe responds to our proclaiming Yes to a certain situation or scenario, that we activate our fullest potential by saying Yes and being in agreement with and aligning our thoughts with our highest good. I get that. What came across me today is saying yes when it doesn't suit me. When I say yes because a little is better than none. I feel that I've on one or two occasions as of late said yes just to fill a void as opposed to really wanting or needing that particular thing in my Life. Today the question arose in my mind...Is saying Yes to that which doesn't serve me (and God) tantamount to saying No to my calling or whatever?

I believe having a little has enabled me to procrastinate from going for my Lot. Ya know? Because I have something to keep me occupied for the time being and it may not be bad at all, but it is not what or where I am supposed to be. I am impulsive and want to "succeed" so badly that I don't allow things to play out (I mentioned that before), and I sometimes forget to just breathe and pause before I move.

Honesty is the Best Policy

And it starts at home...Asking questions of mySelf to get to the place I want to be. Before I can speak the/my "truth" to anyone else I must know what it is to me. Define what makes me happy, sad, angry, ecstatic, moody, or whatever. Before I can articulate anything to anyone else I must have a firm understanding of that thing mySelf. Of course Life is an ever evolving process and that is when honesty is most necessary, because if and when I see the changes happening I can just simply be still and gain an understanding of it all(hopefully). Or at least be honest enough with mySelf to say I am confused in this moment and will get back to me when I have an answer...

A personal truth is that I am still resistant to relinquishing control, and just allowing Life to flow through me. I still want to know what the "end result" will be instead of just accepting It as is and enjoying the ride. My next step is simply being still and not stepping or trying, but just being still and allowing...moving out of my comfort zone, and trusting mySelf more and more...

...Consistancy

So Yeah... roommate starts fire on Thursday night as I mentioned before...right! no anger or frustration directed at him from anyone involved...Fast Forward Saturday... I have been crashing out over my buddy's crib because the smoke has been waay to powerful, but I come during the day to grab certain things and blah blah blah...yeah... so I see my roommate when I get here and he is like "um yeah...they won't be fixing the kitchen on Saturday because of the holiday. So annoying." So I just look at him and keep it moving, grab what I need and bounce out. Come by on Sunday and he has his date here as they get ready to go to the Golden Globes after party or whatever...cool... the smell is dying down, but I figure I will give it one more day then I'll come back. Sooooo yesterday I come home and he's here of course, and he again states that enough is enough they need to get over here and fix the kitchen (that he caused mind you) or he would be on the phone first thing in the morning. I kindly say something to the effect of whatever I said...it's not important, but then I am starting to get annoyed not that he started this but unwillingness to reciprocate the compassion and understanding that has gone out to him....

Then It dawned on me! I cannot stop being compassionate and forgiving to someone just because they do not APPEAR to appreciate it, or seem to be deserving. It has nothing to do with the other person at all...It is about the character that I choose to display and more importantly carry. I Am who God says I AM... continuing to live from the higher Self.

Expectations...Life

'I take care of my kids.' You supposed to you dumb mutha fucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that! 'I ain't never been to jail!'What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail you low expectation-having motherfucker!- Chris Rock


Maaaan....I've learned a lot about myself in the last few days. This post was started (in my mind) on Thursday... Thursday started with me about to pat myself on the back for doing some shit I should have done. That is what led me to the Chris Rock quote. I am supposed to be compassionate, I am supposed to be caring, I am supposed to Love unconditionally... So I came to this conclusion while at work Thursday evening.

Then Bam!

I get home on Thursday and I see a big truck outside of my apartment complex when I get home. It is bigger than a pick up truck but smaller than a UPS truck...hmmmm... as I drive by it I see Fire Dept. on the side, and I see a big pile of charred things next to it. I say to myself wow...someone's place could have caught on fire, I instantly say a quiet prayer for them. I see my roommates car parked near the rubble parked kind of awkward but his parking sucks anyway. I parked my car and I walked to my building and I realize that there was a fire and it was in my building. Then as I walk up the stairs...it was my apartment...I see my roommate and I ask what happened and he said it was in the kitchen and it was electrical...He gets another call at that moment from our building manager and it turns out that it was not electrical but that he left a pot on the stove...wow...he was extremely apologetic for the next 2 hours or so that we were sorting through things...then he turns and asks me if I was angry and he would understand if I was...and I can say today and then that not one ounce of anger was in my body...none...no resentment, no frustration nothing but compassion...


At some point it dawned on me, I am the man I've always wanted to be. The compassion, the caring, the spirituality it is me already. I just chose to not look that, but focus on my faults. Our truest character arises when times of hardship and when everything may not be all roses...We practice that for times like this. My Life is Blessed. I have amazing people and things in my Life, and God has Blessed me with endless talents and gifts. I shouldn't expect mediocrity out of myself. My expectations of mySelf should be high. To whom much is given much is expected. I expecting and delivering much of mySelf. And So It Is.

Random

I
^
^
^
^
^
Am
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
The
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
Truth!
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
The End!

I Am An Artist!

So today strangely enough I thought of this movie Trial and Error with Michael Richard(Kramer) and Jeff Daniels. It was a cute romantic comedy about an actor posing as a trial lawyer...yack yack yack...anywho, towards the end of the movie Michael Richards made the declaration that he is an actor...whether he was "only" auditioning or taking a class or doing a showcase he was an actor. It was a pretty fly moment in the movie for me. To make a declaration about who you are for the world to see, not that is has to be about the world of course, but it adds a certain self accountability to the mix. It also gets the Universe moving in your direction. You have placed the order and now the "meal" can come. I am an artist!

There was another diatribe about to surface but really it would only belabor the most important point I Am An Artist. Nothing else needs to be said.

Um...Faith? Love?

I just returned from a good friend of mines wedding reception, and it was an amazingly beautiful affair. I truly felt the love that they have for each other and was equally blessed to be apart of the the festivities. I enjoy watching couples celebrate their love for one another and the different ways that it manifests itself in their relationships. I am always eager to hear the stories of how people met and when how they came to that place of Loving each other and knowing they had met "The One"...The only common thread is that there is no common thread. Some stories are filled with highs and lows that would make for the dopest Hollywood film and other are very methodical and planned out but just as beautiful as the next.

This wedding was different for me because I didn't wonder when my turn would come, but I just enjoyed the moment for them and with them. For so long relationships have been my Achilles Heel (one of the two...ha)! I truly over thought things when it came to them and would break out or do some crazy shit to sabotage the relationship. Recently I have had different revelations about myself and my capacity to truly give of myself. I've stopped the blame game and am stopping throwing myself pity parties...In my mind I reeked of desperation, and was ready to make some unwise choices because of that. As I delve deeper into my spiritual practices things are starting to make sense to me...Everything is interconnected...Faith in finances will give me faith in Love and vice versa...Faith is faith...period...I have it and trust in God to provide what is needed when it is needed...In every area...No need to force it...It is happening...

End of the year

I'm usually not a person who makes a big deal out of a new year. Mainly because I generally have broken my "resolutions" almost immediately. Anywho, this year feels different for some reason. As I approach 2010 I am feeling anxious about it... not necessarily good or bad but anxious about what the new year has in store for me. I am ready to build on the momentum I am feeling surrounding Casual Friday and a few other projects that are percolating. Being still right now is of the utmost importance, but that can sometimes be a challenge for me. My mind wanders rapidly and often, but being still and listening are high priorities for me.

Oh well...when I sat down I thought I had a lot to write about but I guess not...maybe tomorrow...

Medicine for Melancholy

This is one of my favorite films of 2009. It reminds me of what I enjoy the most about art. The ability to dream and create something amazing, while hopefully taking the viewer or listener on a journey with you. Great art allows us to escape for that time into a different world so to speak. This is what inspires me as an artist. Knowing that we have so much creative power at our disposal invigorates me, and it ain't even about money(budget). It is about vision and passion. Love! Loving what we do at the core of who we are. Being willing to express that truth in that moment at that time....yeah man... definitely good shit.

Detox 2.0

So lately I've been asking myself what am I consuming on a daily basis... Not so much physically (although I could definitely use some improvement there as well), but mentally what is my daily intake. Am I filling my thoughts with useless information or am I taking in things that will enhance my way of Life? Am I being sucked into the daily media scrutiny of info that has no bearing on my existence or am I using my time to create the Life I have always envisioned for myself? As I sat back pondering these things after being inundated with inquiries about how I felt about Tiger Woods and watching how that (his infidelity) got and gets more coverage than the troop increase or the new developments in health care... I realized that there is a clear imbalance in what information I am taking in on a daily basis. I started to make leeway in changing what I was consuming and when. I didn't cut on my computer first thing in the morning. I would read spiritual passages and got deeper into my affirmations and prayers, but I realized that soon as that was done I was right back on Facebook or wherever reading (through status updates) things that had little or no relevance in the way I need and want to live my Life. So I chose to take a break from cyberworld (save for blogging and a few websites that I have found useful)...

I have done the master cleanse quite a few times and have found the results by enlarge to be helpful, so I am figuring why not do the same mentally! Why not limit the times I am on the computer "social networking" and actually use that time to finish the slew of unfinished projects that await my time and energy? Why not cleanse my mind of the clutter that has accumulated over the past few months? There is so much that I want to and need to put into my journals, so many things I have wanted to say to me (yeah I talk to mySelf) but have been to preoccupied to say!

I was gonna say that I look forward to getting back on Facebook and reconnecting with old friends and for networking purposes, but I don't know if I do! I mean it is really great connecting with folks and all that, and it is useful for staying in touch with family; but is it really something I look forward to? Hmmm... I won't front like I won't reactivate my account, but the last 3 days have been really good for me. What I really look forward to is continuing the journey of creative expression that has been formulating and manifesting ItSelf in my Life over the last few days.

Nothing To Prove

So yeah...I am rethinking a lot of things that I am doing in my Life. It dawned on me that I am doing some things to prove that I am a "good" guy and not necessarily out of enjoyment. I feel that if I say no I will disappoint them and they will not look at me the same. So I get caught up in this merry go round of things I am not really interested in doing, but I do not have it in me to just say not this time, maybe later or even no. I have to appreciate and accept my goodness and not overwhelm myself just to make others happy and to reinforce my good nature with them. My goodness (or whatever you wanna call it) is not a case by case temporary thing, nor is it up for others to judge.

Sometimes I really don't know how to end these post...part of me wants to end on some ole flowers and licorice type stuff, and the other part of me is like you whatever...write what you feel and move on...it is all good...light at the end of the tunnel and all that there...although I do understand and accept the importance of affirming the life I "seek" and not dwelling in the negative space...every once in a while gotta let that frustration out...

The Worst Vice

How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:4

I believed for a while that is easier (at least it appears to be) to correct a flaw in someone else than it is to work on ourselves. There is very little immediate outward glory if we correct our own mistakes, no one besides ourselves to say thank you. There is not pat on the back or someone to tell you how great you are. Just you digging deep within yourself to improve you, and it is difficult to admit the things that make us the most comfortable may be the things we need to rid ourselves of. It is challenging but necessary and very rewarding.

Over the last few months I've seen people reach out for assistance in their personal development only to have the person they are confiding in pile it on more. I do not believe it was malicious in intent, but in the same vein it was counter productive for both parties. I believe that when someone reaches out for "advice" on a matter it is also an opportunity for us as the giver to grow as well. We have in that moment a chance to look within us and seek that compassion we would seek and give from there. Compassion instead of correction, because even if the advice we give has worked for us in the past does not mean it will be the best route for that other person to take.
Listening is the best remedy for any ailment. Without judgment and with out ego. That is how we truly help.

Enough To Go Around

Little know fact about me...I can be competitive to a fault. I want to be THE ONE...whatever that means at a certain time...I wanna be "on top"...I realized this a few years back and pretty much had it in check. I was and am willing to celebrate the achievements and goals of my friends. I definitely wanted (and want) to see friends (non friends too) do well, but that part of me would keep rearing its head. What about me? When I'm gonna get mine? Etc. yadda yadda... anywho... I've started to wonder why that really was and is. Why do I feel the need to compete directly or indirectly? It could be that I am focusing so much time and energy on what I don't have (or think that I don't have) that what others seem to have is more appealing to me. The grass appears to be greener on the other side.

Consciously I am very happy when friends (I get it really bad if I'm just alright with you) book a gig, get engaged a better job or whatever, and it is not as if I want them to not have IT. I just want mine as well...ha... Just maybe a little different to suite my personal goals and ambitions.

But yeah...

I was gonna write some ole cool Sh*t to not make myself bad about having a case of the envies, but it is what it is ya know... I had it recognized it as a feeling that didn't sit well with me, so I got it off my chest and am moving on. No after school specials over here. Every once in awhile I get so consumed about how I appear to others that I just forget about just being me.
Yeah...

Procrastination

"Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses." - George Washington Carver

Yeah so I been medicating myself with TV for the last week or two, kind of procrastinating on the editing of Casual Friday. I know I'll get to it and soon, but then the what ifs keeps popping into my head. What if it isn't the film I wanted to make? What if it sucks? What if? What if? What if? Now deep down I don't believe it will suck or any of the other what ifs, but they can still make you pause. When I sought out advice I went to folks who would feed my fears...Yeah...even though I know better I don't always do better... So now I am back on track...not gonna say I ain't nervous about it, but I ain't letting it slow my roll...

The last few months have been a real experience the things I've feared most have been manifesting them into my Life. It ain't about blame it's about change(improving). Changing my habits and thoughts. Being more consistent and holding mySelf accountable to me...right...A part of me still seeks approval from outside sources to validate my gifts and talents...Yeah...recognition is important and now I will let it go and get my focus back on where I am going...

Trust. Love. Faith.

The Isolationist

I noticed this morning that I was doing it again. I was putting up my emotional force field again. I was protecting myself from what I deem the inevitable and throwing up false alerts to warn me of imminent danger. I realize it is all in my mind and an excuse I have relied on all to often.

My isolation are rarely of the physical kind(well maybe they are) but more on the emotional nature. I am there in physical form but not nearly like I should be to receive the very thing that I am blocking myself from.

I hide behind the belief system that was instilled in me long ago...things like you can't have it all and it'll never last or it is too good to be true. Now that I know differently I have to respond differently. Act(believe) accordingly for my desired results to be revealed.

Yeah...

So what I am saying is I need to be open to experience multiple forms of blessings simultaneously if you will. My creative pursuits don't have to stagnate my personal pursuits and vice versa... I keep putting an either or ultimatum on myself when it is more than possible for it all to coexist and be beautiful and readily available. While doing away with the empty calorie way of living. Doing a lot just to say I am but not showing or feeling anything internally for my efforts.

The beauty in all this is recognition. Now that I recognize what is happening I can change it, improve it or whatever is necessary.

Flowing

I woke up this morning with an urge to write something...just and urge to vent or flow, but to let something out. I do not know really what to say...honestly...not like I don't have a plethora of topics I could write about...yeah...hmmm...even within all the good I continue to sometime allow my focus to wander away from the things that make me feel good...no feel alive...I get caught in the muddle of what could be "better" and all that jazz, even though I know I am where I am supposed to be doing what I love to do...creating...

Freedom has been a big thing for me...freedom to do what I want, when I want. I was told that with freedom comes responsibility and that even with freedom comes a discipline necessary...I see that now freedom is not merely about a physical thing(like work etc.) but a much greater form of existence...it is knowing when to make a choice and why you are making that choice...and how to choose. Yeah...

I am excited to be wrapping up Casual Friday this weekend. It is the perfect length for my first time directing and I am excited to get it edited, but more importantly I am enjoying the journey. I am enjoying the "potholes" that came along the path and I am enjoying the people who have lent themselves to the project. Directly or indirectly. Listening to me cry when I thought it would not be made...or laughing with me when I would think of a new line to put in there. I am grateful.

Creating Something

So, I got up this morning and went hiking for the first time in a long while, and it felt pretty good. Good to get the body in motion first thing in the morning, and more importantly it was very good to get thoughts and ideas percolating. Yeah, I am not one to give myself credit for much that I do most of the time I feel like I am just doing what is required of me and am not doing anything special per se. But finishing up my first shoot day of Casual Friday was clearly motivating for me. I got through it, and it felt amazing. To be directing a set of more than one or two people simply felt very natural for me. I knew that I belonged! I learned a lot, but I also recognize that I have so much more to learn about the process.

I have tended to shy away from the technical aspects of being an artist. Putting more of an emphasis on feeling and instinct and all of that, but this man there is so much technical stuff that also goes into lighting and sound that I have to learn and I am not willing to shy away from that. I am embracing this part because I need my films to be good. To look good. To sound good. To be great even. I want the audience to have an experience that is beyond enjoyable so I have to enjoy making, and I did. I am excited for my next shoot date this Sunday. I am excited to get to editing it. I am invigorated by the whole process. It is moving me in unspeakable ways. I still love the other art forms that have gotten me to this place today and I will continue to pursue them passionately but this right here may just be the One.

Yes!

Saying Yes is an art, it takes a commitment to say it consistently when appearances are telling you to say no. To say Yes when the obvious physical solution would be to at the very least say maybe takes a lot of strength. It is very easy to put the things that we really want on hold until the timing is “better” or we have everything in place, but to be able to say Yes to your desires and dreams Now is what opens up our lives to Its endless possibilities. I was always committed to maybe! I liked to keep my options open was always my excuse. In actuality that was for me worse than saying no because it left me in spiritual limbo. Not quite where I wanna be but not quite “failing” either...doing just enough to “look good” but not enough to claim certain success either. So now I am committing to say Yes to my passions and desires, while saying a definite No to the old way of thinking (actually not thinking about it at all is the better plan). Just keeping my mind on the beauty and brilliance that is within me. Saying Yes to sharing my God given Gifts. Yes is very powerful and moves mountains when we commit to it fully.

What do you expect?

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein

As I grow as a person into a different(improved) spiritual awareness, when I enter a situation of possible uncertainty I ask myself a simple yet powerful question. What do I expect? I then set my expectations as well as my intentions. I like to be totally clear on how I would like the situation to play out and where I see the results going. I do not necessarily do it as an outline but I like to look for the “silver lining” in a situation if you will. Instead of assuming the worst case scenario, I embrace the highest possible outcome in a situation. The unexpected happens in miraculous ways if we just allow ourselves to open up to it. For a long time I looked at miracles as something that only happened for the select few that some of us were more “Blessed” than others, or should I say had more access to channeling their Blessings. I am beginning to understand and appreciate that we are all capable of receiving miraculous answers to any and all of our prayers if we would just walk in Faith and let doubt, worry and fear go. I was very much caught up in a old ideological way of thinking(praying) that kept me insecure and essentially begging for something that I did not believe I was worthy of. So my prayers appeared to go unanswered, but in reality they were answered in the way of more of what I already thought that I was. Lacking, limited and unworthy of God’s Blessings on my Life. It became a perpetual prayer of neediness and not thanksgiving and praise for who and what I AM. So now I expect the unexpected in miraculous ways. I now expect the best case scenario. I now create out of a Love space.

“And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear” Isaiah 65:24

Smile

Since I can remember I have always been asked the question, “Why do you smile so much?” or would hear… “You smile all the time.” I would usually just shrug it off with no response or some vague statement like “because I can.” The other day when again posed with the question after giving my usual response… I thought to myself “Why do I smile ‘all the time’?” Really it is more than just because I can, but deep down I always knew and know that no matter what the situation or circumstance I would be fine(better than fine actually). I know innately that better days are ahead, and I look forward to those days. Even when confronted with a taxing situation where heavy “lifting” needed(needs) to be done, doing it with a smile allows the time to go by quicker and yes the work still gets done. I smile because really it is what I do best, and I love to do it. I’ve done it for so long that I don’t know how not to. I smile because on more than one occasion someone has told me how much it has helped them. I smile because most days I have the most insanely comical thoughts running through my mind. I smile because the melodies are beautiful. I smile because it beats the alternative. I smile because it goes a long way. I smile because I am ME!

Maaaaan....

July was effin' rough man....I a lot of ups and and quite a few downs emotionally etc., but Yo it ended well in that I was able to really practice my Spiritual walk and stay calm in the midst of some things that normally fluster me beyond words.... Yeah

I had a couple of un-posted blogs saved in my drafts because I was just not in a sharing space...I learned a lot about the subconscious mind and the power of thought in July as well...It really looking back on it seemed like so much more than 32 days or however many are in the month...anywho...

I will focus on the good that came out of the month because that is what I need to do...for me...let the negative go...because a lot of good did develop last month...

Yeah... one month to 40...don't know if that means anything, but I know that making Casual Friday will be my birthday gift to myself...this film has been a long time coming and I am excited, nervous and any other adjective you could throw in there...ready to do it though...want and need to do it...right...

It's time...word

Reflections Of...

The month of July is now here...yeah...

Part of me wants to say hooray and jump for Joy because June was such an emotional roller coaster ride of a month for me, but to do that would to really miss the lessons that I learned in my experiences... I will be the first to admit that I am not clear on a lot of things that happened nor do I need to be stressed about why it was so. All things will be revealed in due time. I believe that and am a proponent now of not rushing but allowing Life to play ItSelf out...Yeah...

The one thing I think I was taught to remember in June is that we a truly a reflection of the people in our lives... and vice versa of course...if some one is doing something to me that annoys(ed) me I need to look within myself to see what part of myself that triggering...what do I need to change, improve or do away with in my personality that is probably really the cause of my annoyance... The thing that I had to remember was that it may not show up in an identical form and I may have to really search for it... but in my case inevitably it is always there... Conversely while praising those around me I can be aware that my Light is shining as well, and acknowledge those Gifts for myself as well... Self-Assurance is a Great Thing!

I woke up this morning feeling new... refreshed like a albatross of a burden was removed from my psyche... Over the last week(or less) I have gotten more prayerful and meditative...I've also sought out help in these areas... that is huge for me because actually praying with someone one on one has never been something I was willing to do(don't know why just didn't) but it got me back on the road...

Now would usually come the rah rah part...I don't feel the need to pump up what comes next... it will be seen...it has to be about actions, deeds and the like now... See it, be it, live it...

Yes!

Letting Go

Funny how the mind can really play tricks on us... If we are not cognizant of it while it is going down... I kind of stopped blogging and in doing that some old habits started to reformulate in my psyche... Things that I thought I let go of attempted to rear their ugly heads once again, and I was truly falling(or about to fall) hook, line and sinker for it... the okey doke as my peoples use to call it... I would use psychology like well since I see it is happening that makes it different... not making and effort to rectify it mind you but being aware was enough(so I would tell myself)...

Holding on to things that had no place in my Life anymore and making too much room for them at that. It's like letting someone in your crib that you know should not be there for whatever reason and not only do you let them in but you give them the master bedroom! Word... that is what I allowed to happen this month... I let negative and unproductive thoughts in and gave them free dominion over my Mind! Like here man here you go, I have nothing better to do so you do what you need...

As I type this I am physically tired but in a lot of ways it is symbolic because I tired from the mental sparring I went through this month with myself over things that I clearly know are not at worthy of my attention... I would like to say I am frustrated with myself but honestly it would serve no actual purpose and would allow me to only waste more time... Instead I am grateful that I caught it and am ready, willing and able to move forward with Love in my Heart for Me... I am saying Yes to things that I would never even consider saying Yes to opportunities(freedom), Yes to change(for my betterment) and Yes to the Divine! No had become such a staple in my daily vocabulary diet, that it was truly strange to have a new and improved dialogue... Consistency is the key... I got this way from years of whatever(and who cares really)... I have to consistently remind myself that wasn't really me through affirmation, meditation and prayer... I've seen it work for me in small doses...now is the time to step out on that Faith...Yeah... I am Blessed to be where I am and doing so many things that I Love to do and am Passionate about, with folks who are equally Loving and Passionate...that is where my attention has to be...and Is! And So It Is! Yes!

It's been a long time...

Well almost 2 weeks since my last blog. And well it has been sort of a roller coaster ride of emotions and such. I did some hibernating to really get the the crux of what it is I need to happen for me to be successful... Yeah...

I am...

Right! See things be happening in my head and I be living there for a mighty long time thinking my way away from the things that bring me Joy...It's a process and I can see clearly the progress I've made in this process...

I am Grateful...

Sometimes I allow myself to focus on what I do not want to happen...which in turn allows it to happen because that is where my focus and attention lie...kind of like when we go to a restaurant and look at the menu... We can say all day what we don't want off of the menu, but until we actually tell the waiter what it is we do want we will continue to be hungry...

I am Understanding...

A little bit more each I getting to know me better. I like it. I like Me... I know I have to Love Me, but I genuinely like me as a person...That was not always easy for me to say because I wore so many masks trying to please so many different folks. I am past that phase of my Life now. I am truly content on just being Me. The best one I can be at that....

I stopped blogging for a minute because I really didn't want to do it just to do it. I wanted to express shifts in my Life and I feel that I am again undergoing a transition. Honestly we are always shifting but some (to me)are more significant than others and that is what I am feeling right now. That something is formulating and looking to express Itself through me.

I used to always take the anxiety attacks I would get as a negative but lately I have been thinking that this may be something different. That I am anxious because something positive is developing and instead of medicating it away I am meditating it in...

I am excited, nervous and a whole lot more right now...I've picked a date to shoot my film...I have people on board to help make it happen and I look forward to watching it unfold(first-hand)

Dope Art

That is very much a subjective thing. I get that and I am not here to be a judge and critique things. No, that is not the purpose of this blog today...

What I will rap about is how amazing artists and their art move me.

Yeah...

When I am creatively blocked, I can look at a picture, listen to a song or watch a movie... whatever it may be and I am instantly(most times) elevated out my humdrums and back on course...

Today was very much that type of day... First I listened to Mos Def new CD(download whatever it is called nowadays)... anywho there is this song on there called Roses that just picked me up so much I had to listen to it over and over again...Right... so now my Spirit is raised as I am walking through Studio City getting my energy flowing again...

BAM...

I get home and log onto facebook...why not??? and a cat I knew from way back when sends me a chat link to his online radio show...

BOOM...

Old Skool Philly Classic stuff is blazin' in my ear... now my creative block is really getting lifted and I am seeing colors, shapes, ideas and things I have not seen in a while...

Then I think back to this weekend and the benefit show I was Blessed enough to volunteer at on Saturday and the Artists who graced the stage that day...

Now I am really grooving, and remember what I told myself a while ago...

Art is not always created in an instant!

Sometimes(most times) it has to marinate in the mind(imagination) for a while and take shape...form Itself...get its own breath!

It will not be done from 9 to 5( on some days it may work out that way...hooray if it does) so I have to stop beating myself up over that, and allow it to Be what it is going to be...

I can see the definite progress, and I know I am closer than I have ever been to finishing my film and my EP to follow...

Life is so very Grand...The is the Truth I have to remember...

Desire

It has been 2 weeks since I last put my thoughts, words and ideas about MySelf and My Life down in the blog... I felt the urge to push it back again today...wait until tonight or whatever, that would be the best time I kept telling myself but in actuality it was just another way to procrastinate and put off what has to be done...

The thing is this blog has truly helped me in ways I hadn't realized until the last few days. Putting your ideas and all that out there for whomever to see is therapeutic of course but it is something also much larger. I cannot really quite grasp what the word is I am looking for but I feel freer when I do this. I feel alive and invigorated sort of the same way as when I create my art, whether it is writing, creating a song or working on my screenplay. Creativity is my Life's purpose. I was born to create, and in that process I've learned to be creative outside of what is normally considered creative avenues. I've learned to be creative in my giving back(or paying It forward). I found ways to meet my desire to help others without it taking a toll on me and burning me out.

A few days ago as I was sitting down to pray and meditate and get my whole "mind right", getting back that sense of balance that was starting to escape me, then I realized I had never really truly explored how I want my Life to look. I mean I have said it in passing the things in Life I want etc., but I never really took the time to explore the things My Soul Desires... beyond just the surface wants and all that. I know my purpose is to be creative but how does that look, and how does it manifest itself. I felt the need to be more specific without suffocating It at the same time. As I started to explore this I was expecting some grandiose elongated list of things, but It was very Simple! Very Freeing and Very Me. The lesson I learned from doing that exercise was that there is profound beauty in simplicity. Life doesn't have to be complex to beautiful. Appreciate the small things that make me smile.

Luv Rules Everything Around Me!

On Saturday morning I was driving to Watts for my weekly ritual of teaching and learning at Peace4kids when I noticed two cars literally stopped in the middles lanes of the freeway back to back. The gentleman int the first car jumps out of his car(on the freeway mind you) and start kicking the car behind him! Word! So the other car pulls around him and goes to drive off the cat in the first then jumps in his car and starts to chase him down! Right! Yeah!

It was at the moment that I was continuing my affirmations for a positive, peaceful and joyous day at P4K. This was the second time in about a month that I've seen road rage escalate to where one person was jumping out of there car ready to do some damage. Now I've been in LA for a little over 5 years and I get frustrated like the next person...Folks can be thoughtless or unaware of their circumstances...Actually it happens to us all! No one is immune to a mistake...

I say all of that to say that through those experiences I am noticing more and more a lack of Love and Compassion to our fellow inhabitants on this planet. We would like the world to cater to us but we are not willing to compromise with it... We don't give Love unconditionally...we put expectations on Happiness... meaning we are not Happy as we are but we will be happy once we get(fill in the blank)...

Well I am allowing Luv to Rule my Life right now. I am no longer waiting to be Happy or smile for no reason. I am smiling right now and will continue to smile just because I am(fill in the blanks or Not)... I am smiling because God is Good...My Life is Great and I am Me...

There it is...

Humility vs. Playing Small

So I have this thing about being humble, not letting my head get to big for my britches as they say. In an effort to do this I've noticed that I would play small. If someone gave me a compliment or said something complimentary to me, instead of just simply saying Thank You, I would downplay my skills and talents. Sometimes it would almost get to the point where it was self-deprecating behavior on my part.

Yeah...

I was not really doing myself any justice and was probably really annoying... Life brings people in our Life to at times give us a glimpse of who we really are. And a while back I met an extremely talented person and I was giving them their props and the response was always kind of negative...then it dawned on me...

Whoa...

Did I sound like that?

Was I that annoying with my deflection of compliments?

Probably so! I have given up that a minute ago... and am truly confident in the Talents and Gifts that I've been Blessed with...

Flip side...

The first time I ever stepped into Agape they had a guest speaker... Bro Ishmael Tetteh, and the person who introduced him lavished him with all kinds of praise...so I was kind of excited to hear him... He said thank you to the person and then said everything she says is(brief pause) is true... So I was like Word? ... Then he goes on to explain that We are all created in the Image and Likeness of The Divine and it is impossible for us to be anything other than spectacular.

Hmmm...

It made much sense to me back then...still does, but now I am able and willing to not just understand what he means but Live it daily...

There is no need for me(or anyone reading this) to play small.

It serves no purpose...

Productivity

So, this week was for me one of my most productive weeks ever! I embraced my freedom to create and network. I am relishing my Life as it is right now. I Love being able to wake up in the morning and the only thing I have to do is create. Well that is the majority of my day, but you know what I mean...Anywho

Yes! I love my Life, It is great. I am no longer chasing money but pursuing my passions...

New Thought...

Today was an interesting day. I started out on cloud 9! I was ecstatic and happy ready for the beauty to continue to unfold. Then I got massively frustrated. Yeah, so I caught myself and had a conversation with God...realizing that my frustrations were a temporary thing and that I shouldn't allow it to know me out of my box, and it worked. I still had some frustration for the situation but I did not allow it to consume me to the point of anger.

I am not attempting to invalidate my emotions but instead process them check the situation and move on. To not harbor negative thoughts and emotions to the point that it has me becoming less than my Highest Self!

Yeah, all in all great things are happening! I am excited. Life is Grand...

A Glimpse

...My day was utterly amazing and inspiring and filled with mad creative energy!

Artistic freedom at its finest!

As I was driving home one thought kept popping up in my head

Actually two...

I love my Life

And

I'm pretty good...

I really do love my Life and am ecstatic over the way it is unfolding...

I am also incredibly inspired by the people that have come into my Life at many given points but right now the synchronicity is at a higher level than I have ever remembered before...

I am sure I am just more aware of it now because I am opening myself up to new experiences and being more amenable to change and such...

Yeah...

Life is Grand...

In Love and Possibilities ,

Mark

The Weirdness

Today was very much a weird day for me... I woke up with an anxiety attack of sorts... I have had this knotting up of some sort of tension happening in stomach for sometime now...

I think it is something trying to be worked out...

Could be growing pains....hmmmm

I am now seeking to look at things as a positive awakening and not the other shoe about to drop on something negative...

Calling into my existence the very things I want in my life, I am nervous right now...

I may have said this before...really have not gone back to reread to many of my blogs yet...

I will soon though...need to gauge my "progress"...

Oh yeah...so I really have no excuses right now as far as making my first short film...

I could use finances as an excuse, but honestly it would be a lame one at best...

I want it done so it can be done...

Having faith and praying as if it is already done...

But yeah... this morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach I laid there and allowed myself to just breathe...not force anything and make it out to be something bad happening but just dealt with it without judgment... did some heavy meditating and praying this morning because of it...
and watched my day unfold...connected with some old friends from home who are now moving out here... went to the library and got some more books on filmmaking..and just allowed my day to flow...

And here I am... knowing that something is happening right now for me, I am really attempting to not tinker with anything and just flow...just flow...I've never really done that before...and honestly I am having such a hard time with it right now, but it is what has to be done...I am learning the tools of the trade...I've planted the seeds now I must step back and not over water the soil...Yeah

Just let it grow...while I grow as well...

Allowing

One thing I noticed about about myself this weekend is that I do not let things flow... I am forever in a state of attempting to fix something... tweak this or solve that...very rarely allowing a plan to unfold... there are probably various reason for that...when something is new for me that sense of uncomfortableness happens and I feel that something is wrong...

For instance...

Sometimes when we get butterflies in the pit of our stomach or something of that nature... I always assume something is wrong not the other way around...

Yeah...

There is that expectation thing again...I am improving but I kind of expect things to collapse...even when I know deep in my heart they should not...I still walk with a sense of insecurity...

When you know better you do better...

This weekend was and is in a lot of ways something really different for me

So many things are popping up...giving me an opportunity to relapse into a slightly pessimistic doing just enough but not my all type cat...

But I know I want better for my Life...

Not in the future(well then too) but Now!

Now is when I am Being Happy

Now is when I am expressing My Joy

Now is when I am creating My Abundance

Now is when I am displaying My Gratitude

Now is when I am sharing My Gifts

Now is when I control My Life...the things I say and do...Can't do anything about the past...or future...

So Now let me embrace Me Now...

humor is a crutch

Sometimes...but I love it... I love to smile and laugh...

That was just a thought...

As I begin a new phase in my Life I have soooooo many questions about what I need or want this blog to be and be about...

How long should each entry be?

Should I make it more/less personal?

How often should I write?

Should I give my opinions on things that happen in our world?

Yeah, no...maybe...

Still really figuring it all out... I will more than likely just go with the flow...

Like we really need someone weighing in on the swine flu or Arlen Spector...

Right?

This is a spiritual quest or journey for me...

Not to find anything but to tap into what is or has been lying dormant for sometime...

ME...

There are no rules...not here anyway...

Living Life...

star-gazing...daydreaming

Reciting my Bliss...

I don't always appreciate how good my Life is right now...and the Freedoms that I have to just Be...

a beautiful place to reside in...if only I could reside their comfortably..,

I can...

It will just take some getting used to...

Allowing my plans to unfold...not tweak them every other day...

Trust...

Practice...

Live...