End of the year

I'm usually not a person who makes a big deal out of a new year. Mainly because I generally have broken my "resolutions" almost immediately. Anywho, this year feels different for some reason. As I approach 2010 I am feeling anxious about it... not necessarily good or bad but anxious about what the new year has in store for me. I am ready to build on the momentum I am feeling surrounding Casual Friday and a few other projects that are percolating. Being still right now is of the utmost importance, but that can sometimes be a challenge for me. My mind wanders rapidly and often, but being still and listening are high priorities for me.

Oh well...when I sat down I thought I had a lot to write about but I guess not...maybe tomorrow...

Medicine for Melancholy

This is one of my favorite films of 2009. It reminds me of what I enjoy the most about art. The ability to dream and create something amazing, while hopefully taking the viewer or listener on a journey with you. Great art allows us to escape for that time into a different world so to speak. This is what inspires me as an artist. Knowing that we have so much creative power at our disposal invigorates me, and it ain't even about money(budget). It is about vision and passion. Love! Loving what we do at the core of who we are. Being willing to express that truth in that moment at that time....yeah man... definitely good shit.

Detox 2.0

So lately I've been asking myself what am I consuming on a daily basis... Not so much physically (although I could definitely use some improvement there as well), but mentally what is my daily intake. Am I filling my thoughts with useless information or am I taking in things that will enhance my way of Life? Am I being sucked into the daily media scrutiny of info that has no bearing on my existence or am I using my time to create the Life I have always envisioned for myself? As I sat back pondering these things after being inundated with inquiries about how I felt about Tiger Woods and watching how that (his infidelity) got and gets more coverage than the troop increase or the new developments in health care... I realized that there is a clear imbalance in what information I am taking in on a daily basis. I started to make leeway in changing what I was consuming and when. I didn't cut on my computer first thing in the morning. I would read spiritual passages and got deeper into my affirmations and prayers, but I realized that soon as that was done I was right back on Facebook or wherever reading (through status updates) things that had little or no relevance in the way I need and want to live my Life. So I chose to take a break from cyberworld (save for blogging and a few websites that I have found useful)...

I have done the master cleanse quite a few times and have found the results by enlarge to be helpful, so I am figuring why not do the same mentally! Why not limit the times I am on the computer "social networking" and actually use that time to finish the slew of unfinished projects that await my time and energy? Why not cleanse my mind of the clutter that has accumulated over the past few months? There is so much that I want to and need to put into my journals, so many things I have wanted to say to me (yeah I talk to mySelf) but have been to preoccupied to say!

I was gonna say that I look forward to getting back on Facebook and reconnecting with old friends and for networking purposes, but I don't know if I do! I mean it is really great connecting with folks and all that, and it is useful for staying in touch with family; but is it really something I look forward to? Hmmm... I won't front like I won't reactivate my account, but the last 3 days have been really good for me. What I really look forward to is continuing the journey of creative expression that has been formulating and manifesting ItSelf in my Life over the last few days.

Nothing To Prove

So yeah...I am rethinking a lot of things that I am doing in my Life. It dawned on me that I am doing some things to prove that I am a "good" guy and not necessarily out of enjoyment. I feel that if I say no I will disappoint them and they will not look at me the same. So I get caught up in this merry go round of things I am not really interested in doing, but I do not have it in me to just say not this time, maybe later or even no. I have to appreciate and accept my goodness and not overwhelm myself just to make others happy and to reinforce my good nature with them. My goodness (or whatever you wanna call it) is not a case by case temporary thing, nor is it up for others to judge.

Sometimes I really don't know how to end these post...part of me wants to end on some ole flowers and licorice type stuff, and the other part of me is like you whatever...write what you feel and move on...it is all good...light at the end of the tunnel and all that there...although I do understand and accept the importance of affirming the life I "seek" and not dwelling in the negative space...every once in a while gotta let that frustration out...

The Worst Vice

How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:4

I believed for a while that is easier (at least it appears to be) to correct a flaw in someone else than it is to work on ourselves. There is very little immediate outward glory if we correct our own mistakes, no one besides ourselves to say thank you. There is not pat on the back or someone to tell you how great you are. Just you digging deep within yourself to improve you, and it is difficult to admit the things that make us the most comfortable may be the things we need to rid ourselves of. It is challenging but necessary and very rewarding.

Over the last few months I've seen people reach out for assistance in their personal development only to have the person they are confiding in pile it on more. I do not believe it was malicious in intent, but in the same vein it was counter productive for both parties. I believe that when someone reaches out for "advice" on a matter it is also an opportunity for us as the giver to grow as well. We have in that moment a chance to look within us and seek that compassion we would seek and give from there. Compassion instead of correction, because even if the advice we give has worked for us in the past does not mean it will be the best route for that other person to take.
Listening is the best remedy for any ailment. Without judgment and with out ego. That is how we truly help.

Enough To Go Around

Little know fact about me...I can be competitive to a fault. I want to be THE ONE...whatever that means at a certain time...I wanna be "on top"...I realized this a few years back and pretty much had it in check. I was and am willing to celebrate the achievements and goals of my friends. I definitely wanted (and want) to see friends (non friends too) do well, but that part of me would keep rearing its head. What about me? When I'm gonna get mine? Etc. yadda yadda... anywho... I've started to wonder why that really was and is. Why do I feel the need to compete directly or indirectly? It could be that I am focusing so much time and energy on what I don't have (or think that I don't have) that what others seem to have is more appealing to me. The grass appears to be greener on the other side.

Consciously I am very happy when friends (I get it really bad if I'm just alright with you) book a gig, get engaged a better job or whatever, and it is not as if I want them to not have IT. I just want mine as well...ha... Just maybe a little different to suite my personal goals and ambitions.

But yeah...

I was gonna write some ole cool Sh*t to not make myself bad about having a case of the envies, but it is what it is ya know... I had it recognized it as a feeling that didn't sit well with me, so I got it off my chest and am moving on. No after school specials over here. Every once in awhile I get so consumed about how I appear to others that I just forget about just being me.
Yeah...

Procrastination

"Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses." - George Washington Carver

Yeah so I been medicating myself with TV for the last week or two, kind of procrastinating on the editing of Casual Friday. I know I'll get to it and soon, but then the what ifs keeps popping into my head. What if it isn't the film I wanted to make? What if it sucks? What if? What if? What if? Now deep down I don't believe it will suck or any of the other what ifs, but they can still make you pause. When I sought out advice I went to folks who would feed my fears...Yeah...even though I know better I don't always do better... So now I am back on track...not gonna say I ain't nervous about it, but I ain't letting it slow my roll...

The last few months have been a real experience the things I've feared most have been manifesting them into my Life. It ain't about blame it's about change(improving). Changing my habits and thoughts. Being more consistent and holding mySelf accountable to me...right...A part of me still seeks approval from outside sources to validate my gifts and talents...Yeah...recognition is important and now I will let it go and get my focus back on where I am going...

Trust. Love. Faith.

The Isolationist

I noticed this morning that I was doing it again. I was putting up my emotional force field again. I was protecting myself from what I deem the inevitable and throwing up false alerts to warn me of imminent danger. I realize it is all in my mind and an excuse I have relied on all to often.

My isolation are rarely of the physical kind(well maybe they are) but more on the emotional nature. I am there in physical form but not nearly like I should be to receive the very thing that I am blocking myself from.

I hide behind the belief system that was instilled in me long ago...things like you can't have it all and it'll never last or it is too good to be true. Now that I know differently I have to respond differently. Act(believe) accordingly for my desired results to be revealed.

Yeah...

So what I am saying is I need to be open to experience multiple forms of blessings simultaneously if you will. My creative pursuits don't have to stagnate my personal pursuits and vice versa... I keep putting an either or ultimatum on myself when it is more than possible for it all to coexist and be beautiful and readily available. While doing away with the empty calorie way of living. Doing a lot just to say I am but not showing or feeling anything internally for my efforts.

The beauty in all this is recognition. Now that I recognize what is happening I can change it, improve it or whatever is necessary.

Flowing

I woke up this morning with an urge to write something...just and urge to vent or flow, but to let something out. I do not know really what to say...honestly...not like I don't have a plethora of topics I could write about...yeah...hmmm...even within all the good I continue to sometime allow my focus to wander away from the things that make me feel good...no feel alive...I get caught in the muddle of what could be "better" and all that jazz, even though I know I am where I am supposed to be doing what I love to do...creating...

Freedom has been a big thing for me...freedom to do what I want, when I want. I was told that with freedom comes responsibility and that even with freedom comes a discipline necessary...I see that now freedom is not merely about a physical thing(like work etc.) but a much greater form of existence...it is knowing when to make a choice and why you are making that choice...and how to choose. Yeah...

I am excited to be wrapping up Casual Friday this weekend. It is the perfect length for my first time directing and I am excited to get it edited, but more importantly I am enjoying the journey. I am enjoying the "potholes" that came along the path and I am enjoying the people who have lent themselves to the project. Directly or indirectly. Listening to me cry when I thought it would not be made...or laughing with me when I would think of a new line to put in there. I am grateful.

Creating Something

So, I got up this morning and went hiking for the first time in a long while, and it felt pretty good. Good to get the body in motion first thing in the morning, and more importantly it was very good to get thoughts and ideas percolating. Yeah, I am not one to give myself credit for much that I do most of the time I feel like I am just doing what is required of me and am not doing anything special per se. But finishing up my first shoot day of Casual Friday was clearly motivating for me. I got through it, and it felt amazing. To be directing a set of more than one or two people simply felt very natural for me. I knew that I belonged! I learned a lot, but I also recognize that I have so much more to learn about the process.

I have tended to shy away from the technical aspects of being an artist. Putting more of an emphasis on feeling and instinct and all of that, but this man there is so much technical stuff that also goes into lighting and sound that I have to learn and I am not willing to shy away from that. I am embracing this part because I need my films to be good. To look good. To sound good. To be great even. I want the audience to have an experience that is beyond enjoyable so I have to enjoy making, and I did. I am excited for my next shoot date this Sunday. I am excited to get to editing it. I am invigorated by the whole process. It is moving me in unspeakable ways. I still love the other art forms that have gotten me to this place today and I will continue to pursue them passionately but this right here may just be the One.

Yes!

Saying Yes is an art, it takes a commitment to say it consistently when appearances are telling you to say no. To say Yes when the obvious physical solution would be to at the very least say maybe takes a lot of strength. It is very easy to put the things that we really want on hold until the timing is “better” or we have everything in place, but to be able to say Yes to your desires and dreams Now is what opens up our lives to Its endless possibilities. I was always committed to maybe! I liked to keep my options open was always my excuse. In actuality that was for me worse than saying no because it left me in spiritual limbo. Not quite where I wanna be but not quite “failing” either...doing just enough to “look good” but not enough to claim certain success either. So now I am committing to say Yes to my passions and desires, while saying a definite No to the old way of thinking (actually not thinking about it at all is the better plan). Just keeping my mind on the beauty and brilliance that is within me. Saying Yes to sharing my God given Gifts. Yes is very powerful and moves mountains when we commit to it fully.

What do you expect?

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein

As I grow as a person into a different(improved) spiritual awareness, when I enter a situation of possible uncertainty I ask myself a simple yet powerful question. What do I expect? I then set my expectations as well as my intentions. I like to be totally clear on how I would like the situation to play out and where I see the results going. I do not necessarily do it as an outline but I like to look for the “silver lining” in a situation if you will. Instead of assuming the worst case scenario, I embrace the highest possible outcome in a situation. The unexpected happens in miraculous ways if we just allow ourselves to open up to it. For a long time I looked at miracles as something that only happened for the select few that some of us were more “Blessed” than others, or should I say had more access to channeling their Blessings. I am beginning to understand and appreciate that we are all capable of receiving miraculous answers to any and all of our prayers if we would just walk in Faith and let doubt, worry and fear go. I was very much caught up in a old ideological way of thinking(praying) that kept me insecure and essentially begging for something that I did not believe I was worthy of. So my prayers appeared to go unanswered, but in reality they were answered in the way of more of what I already thought that I was. Lacking, limited and unworthy of God’s Blessings on my Life. It became a perpetual prayer of neediness and not thanksgiving and praise for who and what I AM. So now I expect the unexpected in miraculous ways. I now expect the best case scenario. I now create out of a Love space.

“And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear” Isaiah 65:24

Smile

Since I can remember I have always been asked the question, “Why do you smile so much?” or would hear… “You smile all the time.” I would usually just shrug it off with no response or some vague statement like “because I can.” The other day when again posed with the question after giving my usual response… I thought to myself “Why do I smile ‘all the time’?” Really it is more than just because I can, but deep down I always knew and know that no matter what the situation or circumstance I would be fine(better than fine actually). I know innately that better days are ahead, and I look forward to those days. Even when confronted with a taxing situation where heavy “lifting” needed(needs) to be done, doing it with a smile allows the time to go by quicker and yes the work still gets done. I smile because really it is what I do best, and I love to do it. I’ve done it for so long that I don’t know how not to. I smile because on more than one occasion someone has told me how much it has helped them. I smile because most days I have the most insanely comical thoughts running through my mind. I smile because the melodies are beautiful. I smile because it beats the alternative. I smile because it goes a long way. I smile because I am ME!

Maaaaan....

July was effin' rough man....I a lot of ups and and quite a few downs emotionally etc., but Yo it ended well in that I was able to really practice my Spiritual walk and stay calm in the midst of some things that normally fluster me beyond words.... Yeah

I had a couple of un-posted blogs saved in my drafts because I was just not in a sharing space...I learned a lot about the subconscious mind and the power of thought in July as well...It really looking back on it seemed like so much more than 32 days or however many are in the month...anywho...

I will focus on the good that came out of the month because that is what I need to do...for me...let the negative go...because a lot of good did develop last month...

Yeah... one month to 40...don't know if that means anything, but I know that making Casual Friday will be my birthday gift to myself...this film has been a long time coming and I am excited, nervous and any other adjective you could throw in there...ready to do it though...want and need to do it...right...

It's time...word

Reflections Of...

The month of July is now here...yeah...

Part of me wants to say hooray and jump for Joy because June was such an emotional roller coaster ride of a month for me, but to do that would to really miss the lessons that I learned in my experiences... I will be the first to admit that I am not clear on a lot of things that happened nor do I need to be stressed about why it was so. All things will be revealed in due time. I believe that and am a proponent now of not rushing but allowing Life to play ItSelf out...Yeah...

The one thing I think I was taught to remember in June is that we a truly a reflection of the people in our lives... and vice versa of course...if some one is doing something to me that annoys(ed) me I need to look within myself to see what part of myself that triggering...what do I need to change, improve or do away with in my personality that is probably really the cause of my annoyance... The thing that I had to remember was that it may not show up in an identical form and I may have to really search for it... but in my case inevitably it is always there... Conversely while praising those around me I can be aware that my Light is shining as well, and acknowledge those Gifts for myself as well... Self-Assurance is a Great Thing!

I woke up this morning feeling new... refreshed like a albatross of a burden was removed from my psyche... Over the last week(or less) I have gotten more prayerful and meditative...I've also sought out help in these areas... that is huge for me because actually praying with someone one on one has never been something I was willing to do(don't know why just didn't) but it got me back on the road...

Now would usually come the rah rah part...I don't feel the need to pump up what comes next... it will be seen...it has to be about actions, deeds and the like now... See it, be it, live it...

Yes!

Letting Go

Funny how the mind can really play tricks on us... If we are not cognizant of it while it is going down... I kind of stopped blogging and in doing that some old habits started to reformulate in my psyche... Things that I thought I let go of attempted to rear their ugly heads once again, and I was truly falling(or about to fall) hook, line and sinker for it... the okey doke as my peoples use to call it... I would use psychology like well since I see it is happening that makes it different... not making and effort to rectify it mind you but being aware was enough(so I would tell myself)...

Holding on to things that had no place in my Life anymore and making too much room for them at that. It's like letting someone in your crib that you know should not be there for whatever reason and not only do you let them in but you give them the master bedroom! Word... that is what I allowed to happen this month... I let negative and unproductive thoughts in and gave them free dominion over my Mind! Like here man here you go, I have nothing better to do so you do what you need...

As I type this I am physically tired but in a lot of ways it is symbolic because I tired from the mental sparring I went through this month with myself over things that I clearly know are not at worthy of my attention... I would like to say I am frustrated with myself but honestly it would serve no actual purpose and would allow me to only waste more time... Instead I am grateful that I caught it and am ready, willing and able to move forward with Love in my Heart for Me... I am saying Yes to things that I would never even consider saying Yes to opportunities(freedom), Yes to change(for my betterment) and Yes to the Divine! No had become such a staple in my daily vocabulary diet, that it was truly strange to have a new and improved dialogue... Consistency is the key... I got this way from years of whatever(and who cares really)... I have to consistently remind myself that wasn't really me through affirmation, meditation and prayer... I've seen it work for me in small doses...now is the time to step out on that Faith...Yeah... I am Blessed to be where I am and doing so many things that I Love to do and am Passionate about, with folks who are equally Loving and Passionate...that is where my attention has to be...and Is! And So It Is! Yes!

It's been a long time...

Well almost 2 weeks since my last blog. And well it has been sort of a roller coaster ride of emotions and such. I did some hibernating to really get the the crux of what it is I need to happen for me to be successful... Yeah...

I am...

Right! See things be happening in my head and I be living there for a mighty long time thinking my way away from the things that bring me Joy...It's a process and I can see clearly the progress I've made in this process...

I am Grateful...

Sometimes I allow myself to focus on what I do not want to happen...which in turn allows it to happen because that is where my focus and attention lie...kind of like when we go to a restaurant and look at the menu... We can say all day what we don't want off of the menu, but until we actually tell the waiter what it is we do want we will continue to be hungry...

I am Understanding...

A little bit more each I getting to know me better. I like it. I like Me... I know I have to Love Me, but I genuinely like me as a person...That was not always easy for me to say because I wore so many masks trying to please so many different folks. I am past that phase of my Life now. I am truly content on just being Me. The best one I can be at that....

I stopped blogging for a minute because I really didn't want to do it just to do it. I wanted to express shifts in my Life and I feel that I am again undergoing a transition. Honestly we are always shifting but some (to me)are more significant than others and that is what I am feeling right now. That something is formulating and looking to express Itself through me.

I used to always take the anxiety attacks I would get as a negative but lately I have been thinking that this may be something different. That I am anxious because something positive is developing and instead of medicating it away I am meditating it in...

I am excited, nervous and a whole lot more right now...I've picked a date to shoot my film...I have people on board to help make it happen and I look forward to watching it unfold(first-hand)

Dope Art

That is very much a subjective thing. I get that and I am not here to be a judge and critique things. No, that is not the purpose of this blog today...

What I will rap about is how amazing artists and their art move me.

Yeah...

When I am creatively blocked, I can look at a picture, listen to a song or watch a movie... whatever it may be and I am instantly(most times) elevated out my humdrums and back on course...

Today was very much that type of day... First I listened to Mos Def new CD(download whatever it is called nowadays)... anywho there is this song on there called Roses that just picked me up so much I had to listen to it over and over again...Right... so now my Spirit is raised as I am walking through Studio City getting my energy flowing again...

BAM...

I get home and log onto facebook...why not??? and a cat I knew from way back when sends me a chat link to his online radio show...

BOOM...

Old Skool Philly Classic stuff is blazin' in my ear... now my creative block is really getting lifted and I am seeing colors, shapes, ideas and things I have not seen in a while...

Then I think back to this weekend and the benefit show I was Blessed enough to volunteer at on Saturday and the Artists who graced the stage that day...

Now I am really grooving, and remember what I told myself a while ago...

Art is not always created in an instant!

Sometimes(most times) it has to marinate in the mind(imagination) for a while and take shape...form Itself...get its own breath!

It will not be done from 9 to 5( on some days it may work out that way...hooray if it does) so I have to stop beating myself up over that, and allow it to Be what it is going to be...

I can see the definite progress, and I know I am closer than I have ever been to finishing my film and my EP to follow...

Life is so very Grand...The is the Truth I have to remember...

Desire

It has been 2 weeks since I last put my thoughts, words and ideas about MySelf and My Life down in the blog... I felt the urge to push it back again today...wait until tonight or whatever, that would be the best time I kept telling myself but in actuality it was just another way to procrastinate and put off what has to be done...

The thing is this blog has truly helped me in ways I hadn't realized until the last few days. Putting your ideas and all that out there for whomever to see is therapeutic of course but it is something also much larger. I cannot really quite grasp what the word is I am looking for but I feel freer when I do this. I feel alive and invigorated sort of the same way as when I create my art, whether it is writing, creating a song or working on my screenplay. Creativity is my Life's purpose. I was born to create, and in that process I've learned to be creative outside of what is normally considered creative avenues. I've learned to be creative in my giving back(or paying It forward). I found ways to meet my desire to help others without it taking a toll on me and burning me out.

A few days ago as I was sitting down to pray and meditate and get my whole "mind right", getting back that sense of balance that was starting to escape me, then I realized I had never really truly explored how I want my Life to look. I mean I have said it in passing the things in Life I want etc., but I never really took the time to explore the things My Soul Desires... beyond just the surface wants and all that. I know my purpose is to be creative but how does that look, and how does it manifest itself. I felt the need to be more specific without suffocating It at the same time. As I started to explore this I was expecting some grandiose elongated list of things, but It was very Simple! Very Freeing and Very Me. The lesson I learned from doing that exercise was that there is profound beauty in simplicity. Life doesn't have to be complex to beautiful. Appreciate the small things that make me smile.

Luv Rules Everything Around Me!

On Saturday morning I was driving to Watts for my weekly ritual of teaching and learning at Peace4kids when I noticed two cars literally stopped in the middles lanes of the freeway back to back. The gentleman int the first car jumps out of his car(on the freeway mind you) and start kicking the car behind him! Word! So the other car pulls around him and goes to drive off the cat in the first then jumps in his car and starts to chase him down! Right! Yeah!

It was at the moment that I was continuing my affirmations for a positive, peaceful and joyous day at P4K. This was the second time in about a month that I've seen road rage escalate to where one person was jumping out of there car ready to do some damage. Now I've been in LA for a little over 5 years and I get frustrated like the next person...Folks can be thoughtless or unaware of their circumstances...Actually it happens to us all! No one is immune to a mistake...

I say all of that to say that through those experiences I am noticing more and more a lack of Love and Compassion to our fellow inhabitants on this planet. We would like the world to cater to us but we are not willing to compromise with it... We don't give Love unconditionally...we put expectations on Happiness... meaning we are not Happy as we are but we will be happy once we get(fill in the blank)...

Well I am allowing Luv to Rule my Life right now. I am no longer waiting to be Happy or smile for no reason. I am smiling right now and will continue to smile just because I am(fill in the blanks or Not)... I am smiling because God is Good...My Life is Great and I am Me...

There it is...