The Pressure

When I am in this creative state that I'm in right now I put a lot pressure on myself to get IT done right now. I get restless,  impatient and annoyed easily. It feels like the world is passing me by and I'm completely worthless because the project(s) aren't done. Completely irrational I know, but that is what's happening right about now. These are the times when I really need to slow down and say everything is okay, this process takes time and you are not on anyone else's schedule. Relax and have fun which is why I started this in the beginning.

Desperation can breed irrational behavior and inappropriate choices. It doesn't allow us to act wisely or take the time to sit back and think things through. What I noticed over the last couple of weeks is that putting pressure on myself has led to an unnecessary sense of desperation and is leading me to go back and straighten out some wrongs that could've been right if I had just chilled out and let it be.

Anywho, we live and learn. Or as my Pop likes to say, "If yesterday was a good day build on it, if not let it go." Thanks Pop! I'm letting it go and moving onward. No more Pressure

Pic by www.musicstack.com
Song- A Tribe Called Quest-The Pressure

Overwhelming/Finding my space

With the proliferation of media outlets feeding our brains with fear based reporting, it is imperative for those of us who still want to remain active in the process to find time and a space to unwind and rejuvenate our mind, body and soul.

 

Why are ye so fearful?

"And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?" 
Mark 4:40

Let me first that I picked that version of the parable because it is from the book of Mark. Kidding. Kind of. Anyway, as I was going through my twitter feed today checking out tweets and just observing the variety of tweets that people post. Some are direct and some beat around the bush, some clever and others mean spirited. I came across some folks though that don't care and not in the negative way at all, but they have a point to make and they will say it. I don't know if that is my style but I applaud and appreciate the boldness, and not just boldness for the sake of being bold but also with (in my opinion) a valid beef, point or observation. Boldness also doesn't have to be loud and obnoxious, and I think we have misconstrued the two. We have managed to equate boldness and strength with loudness and in affect managed to watch a whole of lot strong men and women get turned away and frustrated because their needs were not met. As a society we lose out because this, valuable resources are lost and communities get overlooked and turned away. 

So, yeah what does this have to do with fear and me? I am glad you asked. I've kind of looked at film-making and art as my voice and the way that I speak and get my point across. Today I realized that may not be enough for me. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine right before I moved from L.A. and at the end of the conversation she said to me, "I didn't know you were so political." I was shocked at myself because social activism and politics are important to me (not the political parties mind you) and I had managed to not speak up on it. Which brings my to the fearful part, because of my  leanings are sometimes very far from the mainstream and some would even call radical I feared getting into confrontations over it. I am very passionate about things and often my conversations on politics (and Tyler Perry movies) get heated. So I managed to kind of just let things ride and keep my views to myself. As I look for balance and serenity in my life I need to find ways to release and discuss my feelings without getting heated or worry about ridicule or being  right. 

I really don't go back to often and check my prior posts. I think one day I will just grab a cup of  green tea and read away. I am sure or at least hope I have had some posts that talk about my feeling on politics and how I feel socially about things. If not here is a quick breakdown. Real quick. Mainstream media is whack (biased and uninformative)! We need a third party (fourth and fifth too), we need major education re-haul where nothing is left off the table (even questioning the unions role in its decline) I don't care for either major party. One is better than the other but both have serious flaws. Yeah, anyway this post when I first started was about changing my thoughts, I realize that some don't need changing just verbalizing them in a productive way.

Freestyling

This is just me freestyling on thoughts of the day. Randomness at its finest.

Heavy Heart

Today I heard that a great friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago. Even though we had not spoken in a little while, the impact of his kindness, generosity and humor will always be with me. My prayers go out to all who have lost a loved one recently. Cherish the relationships in your life. They are important and necessary. Much Love. 

Peace

No control

Relinquishing control over our lives can be challenging for those of us who feel we have no control to begin with.

Projections Of The Way Life Used To Be.

So today while having a conversation with a great friend of mine, I was about project my fears on spending, saving and loot in general. As I was about to express my opinion I stopped myself for a couple reasons. Well really one reason...HE DIDN'T ASK ME! Basically had I shared my opinion it would have been Ego and fear driven based on my own insecurities. 

To often in life we are too willing to share when it isn't warranted or welcomed. We have to know when what we our sharing is a help or a hindrance. The human ego is a powerful tool! I don't believe it is always as bad as people make it out to be when used properly so to speak. It has allowed me to know when to say when and when to push through.  It can be useful when trained to be. 

So I guess the moral of the story is to STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE! Unless someone asks you to merge.

Dreams vs Fantasy

So a few things have been on my mind lately...actually quite a few things...on the top of the list what makes something a dream and what makes it a fantasy...


is it other peoples opinions on the matter?

is it the realistic chance of obtaining such thought?

is it a matter of right place, right time?

Chance?

It has been on my mind for various reason...In my life I've been caller a dreamer (I'll take that) and that I live in a fantasy world (hmmm...not so much...well maybe)  

I mean there is a difference between wanting to marry the model on the cover of SI swimsuit issue and  setting your sights on being an artist, writer or ventriloquist right?

Who determines this though?

Is there a difference between obsessing on something and focusing on it?

I dunno...

Just random thoughts...

Keep dreaming and keep believing I say...

The Masks We Wear

So this morning I saw an article warning police officers to wear masks in downtown LA because of a TB outbreak. The thought that popped into my head was how we as a society are warned on a daily basis to wear many masks of different sorts. We become accustomed to masking our true feeling, our real wants and our deepest desires. We live in fear of really being free and hide behind masks of mediocrity and complacency. We wear many masks and many of them are rarely our own.

The Love

Every hero needs a theme song...

What Drives You?

Vulnerable

We 
All 
Need 
Someone 
We 
Can 
Be 
Vulnerable 
With
That is all...

The side effects of this are pretty scary...

One in the morning

One in the morning...felt the need to say some things...

Perfect Timing

We are in a vital place in out human development!


So many things are shifting and changing!

What was the status quo is no longer relevant.

Compassion and understanding is what we need...

People have to stand up and speak up!

The time is now...


Some times shit is drastic and we gotta shout to make a point...

The Door

This is a beautifully shot film. It is inspires me as an artist and filmmaker.

Tribute

About my Uncle Cherokee who passed away yesterday. 

Going Somewhere...

Well to be quite honest I don't know where this post is going, but I felt the need to write something. It has been on my heart and mind to just sit down and write. I really  don't know where this one will be going but hopefully it will go somewhere. It has to. It has been two months since I have been back in Brooklyn but  it seems like six months or so. I know that is a random arbitrary thing but the point is that it really does seem a lot longer. I have not been out as much over the last few weeks and it shows. When I looked into the mirror today I looked like Damon Wayans character in The Great White Hype when  he gained weight but mostly in his gut. My new gig has me working from home and over the 6 months that I've been doing it I have been, for lack of a better word, lazy. My walking and exercising has virtually stopped and that too is beginning to show. There are times that I am in denial that I am getting older  and being able to eat whatever and sit on my ass obviously isn't an option any more. I understand the notion that age is only in your mind, and I subscribe to that theory no doubt; but some physical things that come with living are undeniable. So my goal this week is to walk every morning before I start work because I know that once I finish working that is a rap. I pride myself in being physically fit, so it is imperative that I maintain that.

Speaking of which the other day my blood pressure was off the charts high. To be honest I was quite frightened. The second and third times it came down, but still it is time to get a physical. One of the things that happened when I first got back here was that I ate out a lot, and not always from the best restaurants. Places like the local Chinese or Caribbean joint and they are not always the most healthy place to catch a grub even if it is the "vegetarian" dishes. On that note, I have been toying with adding fish back into my diet, no other seafood though just fish. I don't really feel much of a difference, they say it is good for your heart so we will see. It won't be an everyday, week or month thing just every now and then if I decide to keep doing it.  Okay, so back to my blood pressure, it runs deep on both sides of my family. I truly believe that part of that is that folks eat massive amounts of meat and whatnot but I have eaten meat in years...unless you include fish...but it still seems to be an issue for me. So I have not bought salt in my new crib and I use alternate seasonings to season my food. It is taking time to adjust because I am used to heavy seasoning on my food. Even my veggies. Now my body (or is it my mind)  is craving salt, once I get it under control I will figure out when to add salt and to what. but for now I cut out any seasoning with a high amount of sodium in it. It is best for now.

In going through some old emails, I realized that it has been three years since I filmed Casual Friday, my short film. I have written quite a few scripts in that time, but nothing has really come from them yet. I actually like most of them, and am really anxious to get back behind a camera. So in addition to getting my walk on before I start working I will be working on a plan to get some of these scripts filmed. I have access to a few things it is just a matter of just getting it done and stop making excuses about why it can't be done. Complacency is a pretty dangerous thing! I was about to call it a drug, but yeah you get the point. It is time to put in some work. One because I admire a lot of the web series and independent films that are coming out right about now, two because I am immensely competitive and three because I feel like I have learned so much since Casual Friday about the process of filmmaking. The last 3 years were a real growing experience for me.  A lot of ideas about who I am or who I thought I was were shattered. Which was/is a good thing.  The end process is that I am becoming a good filmmaker, but an even better person. That is the most important thing.


Here is a snippet of my block during the blizzard last night....

Vid Blog

 

First Vid Blog...I say um a lot but....yeah...trying new things, breaking out of my comfort zones...

Dr. King

 

 

Nuff Said!

The Newness revisited

Wow, so I haven't posted here since August. Time flies and to be quite honest I kind of forgot this was here until today. A lot has transpired since my last post. My Aunt who is very special to me passed away, I left the LA to return to Brooklyn and I gave away a majority of my possessions. I feel freer than I have in many years and I have no expectations of what I think tomorrow should look like. I truly don't know and really don't want to know. I like being in the moment right now. It has really very little to do with the New Year since I am not the resolution type of dude, but I am committed to embracing the changes I made in 2012 and expanding them from here on out. It is important to know where I am going and I like who I am in getting there. Life is Good. God is Good . And So It Is.

Feel Something

Today while taking a stroll through Lake Shrine, I stopped at one of the waterfalls to take in some deep breaths and just relax. First, before I go on, if you are not familiar with Lake Shrine it is a meditation garden right off of Pacific Coast Highway and Sunset Boulevard in Santa Monica or Pacific Palisades. Anyway it is one of the most beautiful, relaxing and elegant places in SoCal. I love it. So yeah, I was taking a walk through and I saw a fish stuck between two rocks, it looked like it had been there for a while. I obviously couldn't tell if it was dead or alive, but I had the sudden urge to do something. Which is weird for me, because I don't believe people should harm animals and all that but I am not the most Rah Rah pet/animal dude in the world. I didn't want to reach in the myself to lodge it free, because one it was a little out of my reach and I didn't want to startle the staff and other guests by thinking a mad man jumped into lake. So I continued my walk and I notified the staff of the situation, one of them went to check on it. When I got back around again I went to check and the fish was removed. I didn't ask anymore about it. I simply let it be.

I am increasingly becoming more compassionate. I think that is the word for it. I am feeling something more and more each day. Sometimes a since of just despair will hit me, this is interesting because I cannot think of the last time I actually watched the news. Twitter has really kept me abreast of what is going on in the world and I do read some print online media from time to time. The thing I really noticed is that there is a lot of anger and tension manifesting in our behavior right now. I always say our because I don't like to disassociate mySelf from people and act like I am above or better than anyone or anything. So yeah, even before the two tragic events in Colorado and Wisconsin. Place like Chicago and Philadelphia have seen astronomical rises in violence, especially in the Black and poor communities. The part that has really hit home for me is the ages of a lot of the victims. A lot have been teenagers and young adults. The shocking part is how easily we've dismissed it. We assume they are gang-bangers or drug dealers. We've looked for ways to disassociate ourselves from this issue, because we don't believe our politicians can or will do something we have stopped asking. We sit by and watch as a whole generation collapses. 

My first step is to continually pray for peace. I started to do this before but I will send prayers specifically to Philly and Chicago. I will email, politicians and local non-profits to see how they are combating the issue and see how I can help remotely and when the opportunity arises more hands on. Faith without works is dead. I believe in the spiritual path first and foremost but I also I still believe in action. The thing I admired about Jesus was his action. He fed the hungry, he raised the dead and he did what needed to be done in the moment. We can wait for someone to uplift or we can roll up our sleeves and uplift one another.

Assessing situations

The Ego has reared its head again. My sister bought me a book on relationships. I didn't know how to take it really. I've explained to her that being in a relationship is not a top priority for me right now. Yes I would like to be in a relationship and yes sometimes being single has its drawbacks. That being said Life is happening for me and to me right now. Some things exhilarating in a positive sense and others well they are causing me some angst, but I am in it. A relationship could enhance it or not who knows, but I won't go searching for one just to be in one, and I am not quite sure that a book would solve the issue for me anyway. 

 WAIT...This wasn't even supposed to be about the book...woos-sah

Now I have loss track of what it is I am writing about. Final thought on that. I read a lot of books that deal with spirituality. Not so much into the self-help genre...Love you sis. :-D

So the assessing situations. As I am preparing to leave on apartment for another. I am going through things and looking at where I am with Life etc., and well I don't know where I am...LOL...That's the honest truth. Things have been hectic and chaotic in my mind more than any place else and I have not allowed mySelf to just take a step back and breathe...woo-sah...between writing, creating, working and playing I have just been going non-stop since early June. As I sit here writing this I can feel the lack of centeredness in the pit of my stomach. There is an uneasiness. Not bad but just hectic and uncertain. I have to remember to stop be still and just breathe. It will help. It always has...

Alright I came here for something else and once again my Mind meandered. Bottom line is I need to appreciate the activities that have been going on in my Life but to remember being still is extremely important. Life is good...    

Oh shit!

People actually read this...I mean wow. I just checked the audience numbers for the blog for the first time. 


I guess I thought people would. Maybe friends and some family. I am shocked maybe impressed, but the humility won't let me say that. Even though I just did. ;-)


As I began writing this it really was just about me expressing who I am. I disabled the comment section well because it was really just about me sharing, not others correcting. My desire was in me sharing my journey it would inspire others in some way to look within and rise up as I needed to. I am still rising!


I know that I am not alone in the challenges that arise in life. Whether it is desiring a  relationship or looking for financial stability everyone (or most everyone) has their something that is has been a challenge to overcome. 


My guardedness brought me to this point. I don't know if I am any less guarded when it comes to the emotional "vulnerability" type shit but I have seen a more willingness to step out of my comfort zone. That was one of the goals of this, but the chief goal still is to improve my quality of life. 


Change just for the sake of change is not enough for me. Breaking down the barriers that bonded me to mediocrity is my ultimate goal and purpose.

I have an EGO...there I said it. I can at times be stubborn...let it go. I've been known to be a know it all...purge. I am impatient and have had bouts of moodines...woooo saaaah.

Whew I had to let that out. See as of late I've been putting myself under a lot of pressure to be sort of perfect, and in my mind sometimes I make everything about me when it really isn't. I take things personally and create conflicts where none exist. It was a trait that was popular for me in the past and as I spoke on yesterday sometimes old habits die hard. When things are not going as planned I have a desire to inch back into my comfort zone. When I need a timeout from people, places or things instead of me just taking the timeout, I would create havoc to give me a reason for the timeout. I would look at alone time kind of as a punishment instead of just what it is, a time to reflect and regroup. I like being alone. I am cool around other folks as well but my alone time is precious to me, and I felt like I needed an excuse to take it. I don't!

Yeah I think that is all I have for today. I never know how to end these things. Kind of feels like one of the old Spike Lee movies. Where I just yell at the screen and yell wake up, but I am wide awake. That is why I am doing this. Because I am awake to not only changing but improving. Getting better and sharing that journey. I will acknowledge actually that I have improved. Sometime that self-acknowledgment doesn't come quick enough from me, and I don't always pat my self on the back. I no longer see my life as a train wreck waiting to happen. It is a journey and I am in charge of the journey. I am progressing and making strides daily and by enlarge I am pretty happy with the results.

Ok, now I really don't know how to end this. The Spike Lee joke was where I intended to stop....
So.....WAKE UPPPPPPPPPP!

Going Within

So, a few months back I did this 21 day winter meditation challenge through the Chopra Center, and it was really good. I fell back off my practice of meditating but that was on me not them. Yeah, so I received an email saying that they would be doing a 21 day summer challenge. Low and behold another chance to get this right. The "challenge" started yesterday and it was and has been a challenge, because for whatever reason I have not been able to access the meditations through my phone like I could before. I have my own theories but whatever, bottom line is I couldn't get on to do it. Usually I would get all kinds of frustrated and go off on some tangent about this that or the third. This morning I tried again and to no avail. (Side note spiritual center or not customer service should respond lol). I digress...oh yeah...this was something I was looking forward to and felt I "needed" in my spiritual growth and development. The excuses began to roll out of my mouth, and it would have been very easy to give up and move on. Then the thought hit me. Go on without it, ok actually I said fuck it but not in the negative tone but more of a there is another solution and I will find it sort of way. 

The penchant for excuse making was a great hobby for me. There were excuses for every situation imaginable, and if not I found a way to develop one. Then when my mom passed, when I was 16, for a while I had a ready made excuse and was able to coast through with minimal effort exerted. The result was that I received minimal reward, and very few people were willing to call me on the laziness because they "couldn't imagine what I was going through". Then when that was no longer a viable option as an excuse I would manufacture another one and keep the lethargy party rolling. What exacerbated matter more was that I was a great talker. Yeah, so needless  to say  this period in my life was filled with mediocrity in effort and results. As with many things old habits die hard and recognition is the first step. Gratefully I am not that cat anymore, but I still am working my way into the man I am destined to be. It is a life long process. There is no simple pill to digest that will cure what was, but understanding that life can be much better when there is honesty and trust with myself has helped me more that any outside source I can think of.

So I'm writing this as I am releasing the need to rely on anything else outside of mySelf. The lesson for today was trust in yourself, and the answers will appear. I was once told and then read many times some things should come to me with ease and grace, and spiritual enlightenment falls in that category for me. If something or someone is able to assist me in my growth that is awesome and I am all for it, but there is a difference between assistance and dependence. I am totally accepting of assistance while letting go of the dependence. Woooo Saaaaah.... ;-)

The Journey

What I came for was an acting career what I got is a spiritual awakening...

When I moved to LA I was hell bent on kick-starting my acting career. I had grown complacent and outside of a few student films and a few plays in Brooklyn I was not even really trying. So I figured a change of scenery would do me wonders (plus NYC changed after 9/11). Little did I know how much it would do for me. I have grown exponentially since the move. Much more than just as an actor but as an artist, a person, an activist and a man. Along the way I have realized that I am a storyteller. I love writing and expressing myself via words and ideas. Today more than ever I am more confident in my writing and creative abilities. There is work still to be done of course, but this feels right in ways that other endeavors have not. I'm continuously discovering new things that inspire me when I sit down and write and focus my attention on that. I get lost in the page and things(magic) happens for me. Knowing your purpose brings a certain power with it that opens more doors than I could have ever imagined...

So yeah the spiritual awakening part. Part of what I realized recently was that there was a spirituality missing in my art and activism. There was that aspect that I admired in many of the elders who made sacrifices for me to be hear today had. God! I believed God existed but I had only encounter God via religion and often there was something incomplete in how I was receiving it. I would get some meaning  from it but it was not lasting. I felt as thought God was created in man's image and not vice versa how it is supposed to be. Anyway, when I got out to Cali and was introduced to the New Thought movement (Agape, Founders and Guidance) as well as Unity Churches and Self-Realization Temples(Lake Shrine) things started to click  for me. I felt a connection for the first time of something much larger than me. It was great to be able to fellowship with people who had similar beliefs from varying backgrounds. I felt at home wherever I went even if it was for the first time. It was amazing! Through that fellow-shipping I was able to commit myself to causes that were also much larger than myself (Peace4kids and Be The Cause) and again I felt at home. I was and am able to act with Spirit in mind and I am learning to make intuitive moves instead of random guesses. A work in progress that is progressing nicely.

So as I continue my journey that may or may not take me elsewhere I am eternally grateful for the extended family I've encountered over that last 8 years, and look forward to watching Spirit escalate in our lives.

Been a long second

Been a while since I've posted in here. Don't have a reason, kind of just been overlooking it. As I prepare for the next phase in this journey called life I began to realize sharing is a big part of it for me. That is the main reason I got into arts is because of the sharing aspect of it. When I first began acting it felt good to be on stage with other folks sharing our creative inspirations. I like that. Back then I was really concerned with feedback from other, how they thought I did, what did they like about it, what could I have done differently etc. Now that part is not as important to me as much as... did I do my best at that time? Did I grow from the experience? It is no longer about pleasing other but being pleased with mySelf. Understanding that everything is not going to be for everyone and accepting that.

Anywho....I got waaaaaay off topic. I hadn't been sharing and I miss that. Not only sharing my thought but sharing the things and experiences that inspire me to be better, things that make me laugh, things that make me shake my head and things that make me go....hmmmmm ;-) I will be revamping the out look over the next few weeks. To help express the growth and development that has been occurring within me over the last few months. Some changes I won't share immediately but I will get to it, and others as I feel them and experience them I will let em rip and post immediately.

Who knows  how it will play out, but it will. I am continuously growing, changing and exploring. Sometimes it is an exhausting fearful process, and other times I am as sure as the sun is bright. I guess that is all for now. *shoulder shrug*

Peace,
MAB

PS...As I read this I also realized it is easier to share this way than in a more intimate setting (face to face) *another shoulder shrug*

Trust In Me

The first time I ever heard this song. I worked at T-Mobile(actually it was Omnipoint then) and the store was empty. I was feeling kind of lost to be honest and was looking for some kind of direction. I felt like it was a call from God to be honest. A few months later I was able to leave my job and spend the Summer in London.

Thank you and R.I.P Ms. Etta James

Thanksgiving- Thank you Dr. King

So today as I was walking home from Trader Joe's I thought to myself,"today feels like Thanksgiving." There was a deep feeling of fall in the air, plus with the holiday the streets in Toluca Lake were kind of quiet. Then it dawned on me... Today is really my Thanksgiving! We are in the midst of giving honor to a man who had an immense vision to change the injustices with the most revolutionary act possible...LOVE

So I give thanks that because of him I am able to write this blog. In large because of his vision, perseverance and dedication I have freedoms that many of my ancestors were not privy to. I am thankful for Dr. King and people like him who fought the good fight not just for themselves, but for the generations that were yet to be born. I give thanks because I was able to walk freely to and from Trader Joe's. Simple things that I sometimes over look and/or take for granted.

So as I extend my gratitude to the Spirit of the man, the Spirit that drove the man, the same Spirit that dwells within each and everyone of us. I look at the ancestors who shoulders we stand on and know that whether acknowledge it or not we are individually building a legacy that others will stand on. Knowing this fact, and understanding my responsibilities allows me to, better yet, requires me to make more conscious decisions based on Love.

Apocalypse

"And when the topic is topicless, then I'm writing the apocalypse." Rakim

Today Rev. Michael talked briefly about the world around us about to crumble. In substance he was talking about the political and financial systems as we know it, and how it was necessary for something beautiful to be re-birthed. I personally connected to this idea because so many of the things I had hoped for are crumbling around me and it was easy for me to get in a rut and not see the beauty also being birthed. In times of "despair" it is real easy to get enthralled in the appearance of lack and limitation, and because like attracts like more of that dominant thought then appears and a cycle begins. Then I put up a resistance to what is happening what just in turn fans the flames and now a blaze of negativity is overwhelming my psyche and I am just about ready to explode! Yeah...plus I am dramatic to boot so I wig out pretty easily when these occurrences happen.

Recognition is the key...

There is a quote about water that in essence says it is the most powerful force because it offers no resistance...the is more to the quote but for me the important this is to stop resisting and give the thoughts and energy nothing to resist and fight against. Non-resistance has also been a theme as of late. The messages are there I have been just so caught up in stuff to recognize them. Life is really about choices. I am sooooo good at motivating others when they are "down", but rarely do I follow or practice what I preach. So now I choose to direct that inspirational motivating energy inward. Having those daily Conversations With God and Self, and seeing the beauty being birthed right Now. The dream is only as far off as I allow it to be.

Fed Up

“The Democrats think Republicans are stealing elections. The Republicans think Democrats are stealing elections. And those of us independent of the two old parties know they are both right.” Kevin Zeese

So here we go again, another election cycle has come and gone and the pre and post rhetoric sounds just about the same to me. We keep hearing about how this demographic want "their country" back and how fed up they are with the party in power; only to give "power" back to the other party who was just as equally(or more) jacked up in the first place. We then hear promises of how this party will now rescind the agenda of the last party to appease the will of their constituents which inevitably will then piss of other constituents who will then come out to vote and the whole ugly(and sometime useless) cycle will repeat itself once again.

Yeah...

The voter turnout yesterday was 42%! WTF! How can we celebrate anything when well over half the country has been so turned off by the process that they don't care. In 2008 the voter turnout (which was considered extremely high) was 56.8%...seriously! Since 1960 only Poland and Switzerland have a lower turnout among "developed nations". There are many factors that go into this equation other than voter apathy, like the fact that some other country hold their elections on weekends and some over a 2 day period to make sure voters get out. Which brings up the question, why won't we move our elections to better accommodate the working class voters who may not be able to get to a polling place easily on a Tuesday? The conspiracy theorist in me believes because they don't want them involved in the process, but I am sure there is another valid "reason".

Anywho...

So yes I too am pissed and fed up. I am fed up with a broken system that people refuse to acknowledge is broken. I am fed up with people doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I am fed up with a system that ignores the working poor and "underprivileged". I am fed up with a system that has allowed its school systems to erode to ridiculous lows. I am fed up with a media that ignores any independent candidate who doesn't dress funny and come up with outlandish(albeit true and hilarious) slogans. I am fed up with candidates who won't tell you what they stand for, but instead pay millions on negative attacks ads! I am fed up that I will have to more than likely go through this same scenario in another 2 or 4 years! I am fed up that our education system will continue to erode, those who need work will continue to need work. I am fed up and resigned to the fact that it will only get worse before it gets better.

I don't Understand

"...Lean not on your own understanding..." Proverbs 3:5

It has been a long minute since I blogged about anything. So much has been goings on the last few months since I have blogged. A lot of ups and downs...starting and stopping, resisting and confronting. The one common ground through that whole time was a lack of trust in the Divine Order. I kept trying to do it myself once again and would get more frustrated each and everytime. It is like I had a shovel and kept digging...refusing to put the damn shovel down because I knew If i dug a little further there would be the answer. My answer was to keep moving...keep it moving...don't stop....and I didn't understand why I was so tired and wore down.

Well last week I had had enough. I was ready to call it a day...change course completely...although I hadn't quite decided what giving up meant. Then a voice came into my head like a parent talking to a child..."are you ready to be still now?" And the answer was and is yes. I don't have to do it alone. I have a vast array of support that starts and ends with God. As Wayne Dyer so eloquently said, "there is a spiritual solution to every problem." The trick for me is being still long enough to ask and receive...

Yep!

We get what we put out, it is an inherent truth that's sometimes hard to swallow. For me at least to recognize and respond accordingly to the Power that lies within was a daunting task. Knowing that I could no longer play the blame game was disappointing. I had it down so well. It was second nature. The flip side of that same coin is that it is a powerful reality to live in and for. Watching it unfold and our lives open up in ways in which we could only Imagine before is a profound testament to the Power The Creator has bestowed upon us.

Quick Thought

Life is Good! That is all!

Better man...

My daily goal is to be a better man than I was the day before. Period. To make stronger choices for myself first and foremost, and then for my immediate and not so immediate community. To not beat myself up if I feel I fall short of that goal. To trust in that Divine Source that dwells within me and is never not there. To simply know that God is good and because of that I am a product of that Goodness. To practice forgiveness until it is a naturally act and not a forced occurrence. To breathe before I (re)act. To learn from days like today and know that my perception affects everything and it is only as bad as I allow it to be. To know that tomorrow is a new chance to practice what I preach. To not give my power away. To pray and meditate. To forgive and live. To love and laugh and be and smile. It is necessary.

Right it out!

I write because it makes me "feel better". I write because I need an outlet to release my frustrations, joys, concerns and epiphanies. I write because it helps to see the words that were once only a thought. I write because the truth sets us free. I write because it helps me to release my fears. I write because it helps. I write to write sometimes simply just because with no particular point in mind. Today is not that day.

As I journey into unknown territory for myself...exploring the inner most reaches of my mind and soul. Stepping out on faith, while taking stock of what matters to me and why. The why is important to me in this next phase, and probably the phase after that as well. I would be lying if I said I knew what is in store for me as I make the changes for the better. I honestly don't know what all of the changes will be. I feel the need and urge to make a plunge. To go for "it" with all my living passion. It is vague to me right at this moment. It could be simple, or it could be drastic. Either way it is necessary. I am not bracing for it, but still preparing for it just the same. Before not knowing would drive me crazy, and yet and still while I am uncomfortable right now, I believe and know Life will work the way it needs to work at the end.

ShadowBoxing

"It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you..." Rakim

It doesn't seem like a month since I have written here, shared my feelings or experiences, or purged my system. But it has been, and it felt really weird. A lot has been going on most of it good, all of it good actually, some of it just didn't feel great as I was going through it. I was told a while ago that the growing process never ends, that there is always new heights to explore and new parts of ourselves to rediscover. I was resisting that notion. I noticed that I resist a lot those things that make me uncomfortable. My linear mind tells me that there is a catch or it is way to good to be true. The borders and boundaries are built high and wide, and I create excuses for their existence. Inevitably I let them down, but I have been wondering has the good part already evaporated by the time I am ready to indulge in it?

I have been reading a lot about living in the shadows this month in the magazine Science of Mind. It has been talking about hiding things and how they grow in the darkness, and it isn't until you shine the light of truth that they disappear. It had me thinking about my personal experience, and how my manhood and experiences as a man have been largely dictated by what I don't want to be, more so than what it is that I want to be. I have recognized it, and I am correcting it. It is truly important for me to define my life in the affirmative as opposed to the negative. That is the only way for me to achieve those things that allow me to grow, prosper and flourish.

Finally, Casual Friday is 99.4% done, and I am finally excited about finishing my first film. I started something and completed it, and that is huge for me. I can not express how huge that really is for me. Especially since I know this is only the beginning. I am a filmmaker not only in theory, but in practice and in deed. It is done, and I am happy.

Approval

I am Mark Benson and I approve of this message.

I approve of me as I am. I approve of me improving. I approve of loving myself unconditionally. I approve of self-acceptance. Today is a new day. I am bound by today and this moment and only this moment. Everything I want, need and desire is available to me Now. It is my choice whether I fret over past choices or live for today and in today. It really isn't rocket science, it is simple even though it isn't always easy. It is complicated by my unwillingness to submit and relinquish control over my emotions and the situations at hand. Or my desire to place blame instead of accepting responsibility. Being accountable for me to me and by me.

Today has been kind of an up and down day. I am feeling the need to change some things in my life, but do not know where or how to begin. I don't believe in bemoaning my lot, so I will just say that there are some changes that are necessary in the areas of job and housing. No need to really go to deep into it, since by goal for today is letting go of yesterday. I realize that I am particular and sometimes quirky, and am beyond fine with that. I like my own space. Not that I am not into sharing or compromising, but somethings to me seem commonsensical. It is what it is though. I can control only what I can control. It is timing and choices meeting up at the right time. My choices and my timing.

Looking to end on a high note. Pick myself up as I go to work and put on my game face on. Ha. I have had much worse jobs and it goes by quickly, but now that I have gotten my feet wet as a filmmaker I am eager and anxious to honestly start making a living out of that. Doing only what I love doing...which for the record is filmmaking, acting, and producing(all types of art). I also enjoy working with youth, but in being honest with myself that is secondary to being an artist. I love...oooops...was about to justify myself for no reason and to no one in particular. So I don't know if this is a high note, but I will end it there.

Growing Pains...Or something like that

Trust
Truth
Love
Hope
Compassion
Honesty
Integrity
Choice
Richness
Silence
Gratitude
Joy
Liberation
Freedom
Fullness
Sentimental
Creativity
Generosity
...

Looking in the mirror I see the reflection of the cracking soul and spiritual stretch marks. I am eager to be something new, different and yes better, but along the way I keep seeming to forget that sometimes time is the only thing that will work. Giving me time to look at myself. Giving myself time to "smell the roses". Giving myself a space to be wrong, to err and to regroup. I see what I am capable of...matter of fact I know what I am capable of and because of that I get frustrated with myself when I don't live up to what I know I could be. I put way too much pressure on myself. I stress over the trivial aspects and the minute details. It is not working for me. There is a gap between what I do and what I should do.

Accountable
Responsible
Trustworthy
Humble
Strong
Sincere
Secure


I often see glimpses of the ideal me, then it fades. The me I know I should be. Doing the good that needs to be done...moving beyond that self absorbed person. Releasing the blame of a past that is long gone and standing fully aware that this moment is truly controllable. The goodness of the moment is not merely chance or a fluke, but it is the way my life should be lived. Daily... Speaking in the affirmative is not something I do often. It has been easier to not commit...to keep my options open and all that jazz, but in the long run(and short one too) I get uncommitted results. Or should I say inconsistent responses from myself, the Universe and every one and thing involved. It is imperative that I be able to assess my progress(or lack thereof) without blaming myself and being harsh when I feel I fall short. Critiquing without being critical is the best way I can think to say it.

Wise
Funny
Eclectic
Passionate
Smiley
Energetic
Powerful

No rhyme or reason necessary. It is what it is. Do my best at any given time, and know that great results will manifest out of it. Don't be afraid that the worse will happen. Enter into it seeing the best results already happening. Speak to myself in an affirmative tone regularly and believe it. Stop the word play and live from a deeper place. Be it. Stop running. Be Still. Have Faith. Envision it. Recognize the inherent beauty that is naturally there. Stop playing small to fit in. Yeah...something like that...no...exactly that. Yes.

Mother's Day

Yvonne Benson, MY MOM! She left the physical world 5/31/1986, and yeah I have spoken about it but never really talking about the impact she had on me. I kind of put up a shield or a guard and spoke about her in vagueness. Yeah, I have and will always Love my Mother. It is because of her allowing me to be me and feel things(I cried alot as a young child) that I am as creative and compassionate (and all the other qualities I admire in me) as I am today. Yvonne Benson had/has a strong personality and people understood her point of view on things very clearly from the first moment they met her. But she raised me very differently, she raised me to care about things outwardly(she cared a lot but kept it bottled in) and to understand that being a Man was not all about being macho and a rah rah attitude. I was told to listen, pay attention, and to think for myself. She told me she would always have my back if I was right, and I believe that to this day! She still has my back. She also told me that if she had my back and I mislead her she would not go easy on me either. And she didn't, but now I have integrity because of that. I am a stronger Man, a better Human Being and a productive Citizen because of her. My Mom had a crazy sense of style and people really dug that about her. She didn't believe in copying others and looked to be The Original at all times. She had me understand that sometime it was ok to stand alone. Don't always follow the pack is what she said time and time again. I remember when I was about 10 or 11 , if that, she went to the hair dresser and came home with her colored Plum. I thought it was purple but she corrected me and everyone else who got it wrong. Yeah she did her on thing even way back then, and the is why I am not afraid to do mine! I am truly thankful and grateful for the Man that I am and the lion's share of the credit goes to Yvonne Benson.

Mom, your Wease(one of her many names for me) is doing better than okay and on this day and every day I thank You for that. I love you

Comfort Zone

Comfort is what you have when God gives you the victory. Then, you can pass it on to others." ~Raye Adkins


Fear is corruptible. I like me. I love me actually. That is an important thing for me to remember. I sometimes give my power away! I give other outside sources more credit than I give myself. I underestimate my own power and self worth. This particular time it is a job that I am falling prey too. It is consuming me, and it is not something I like. It is important for me to realize where my strength lies. It is in my creativity. My true strength is in my art. That is my purpose and that is where my attention has to remain. Everything else is transient. Actually everything is transient. We are always evolving and the same way something or someone comes into my Life in Diving Timing it will continuously happen when I am centered in Spirit. Now that is where my unmovable strength truly resides. In Spirit! The only thing that is not temporary in my Life. Spirit.

Happiness is key. Joy is what I am seeking. Expanding my self in ways that seemed improbable merely a few weeks ago. Releasing that fear that stopped me from claiming the desires of my heart. Love, Career, Family etc. Taking a moment to breathe and center myself. Picturing the goodness that is available to me and in me. Being comfortable in discomfort. Yeah I don't know. It all seems so simple some days, and then others days it feels like solving some algebraic equation. Most days I have more questions than answers and I am cool with that, but there are times when I just want to know. I wanna know what the future holds for me. I just wanna know when it will all jump off. I wanna, I wanna I wanna...this is when it is important for me to remember the things I always seem to forget. God knows and I need to trust in It more. Meditate and pray more. Continue to give and live freely. To not worry about tomorrow, but to enjoy today and bask in the glory of It all right now. I am blessed.

Perceptions

We grow and we change. The very things that seemed so very clear can become muddled and mired in an instance. We resist that change and try to hold on to that feeling that invigorated us sooooo much. Life goes on though, and we do ourselves a disservice by attempting to recreate a past that has moved on. I have noticed my resistance lately. It has manifested itself once again in the form of another person in my life. I have said before I am magnificent at giving advice, but receiving advice...well whoa... I got this. I have been better at not giving my opinion lately, after all is just my opinion and at the end of the day it only matters to me(if you get what I'm saying). But my friend kept asking me what I thought and for everything I said there was a level of resistance. As I was about to get annoyed I took a pause to do a quick internal check. Why is this bothering me? In what part of my Life is this relevant? I noticed that I am resistant to a few things right now, especially when I think someone is trying to "change me". I can be strong willed and yet comfortable with my routine. I do no mind change just on my own terms(ha), and I put up strong resistance when I feel something being "forced" upon me. So it is important for me to be more flexible and less controlling was the lesson that immediately came to me. I am sure the deeper meaning will also be revealed as well.

This was going somewhere totally different when I started it, but the necessity of the moment was more about a recognition of an issue that was dominating my thoughts. When this blog started it was about sharing a journey, my journey, to a better me. For better or for worse I decided to look at my thoughts and how they affect my life and make some changes. The changes have not been as drastic as I thought they would be, but they are happening. Someone told me that the key to patience is to do something else while you wait. I was not doing anything else. I was looking at the proverbial clock on the wall patting my foot and waiting to be a better person. Well there were a couple issues that came about from that approach. One and most importantly there was no acknowledgment of the person I am and the goodness that already exist. In essence I wasn't grateful for who I was(Am)...I acted like I needed to start from scratch and be a whole new me. Which was and is not the case. My purpose was and is to align my thoughts to my actions to live a more complete life. Secondly while I was waiting absolutely nothing was getting done. I don't really know what else to say about that one to be honest.

So anywho, I am trying to figure out a way to wrap this up since I don't know what it had to do with perceptions at all. Unless it is the way I am perceiving myself and the things around me. Or growth is all about perception?

Who Am I?

"We don't attract what we want, we attract who we are." Various Authors

When I first heard that quote I was indeed intimidated. I was in a "bad" place and I felt like they were telling me I was a "bad" person. What??? Come on Son...I got judgmental and defensive. At that moment I caught myself. I am soooooo good at telling folks how to "correct their situation", but the moment someone has something for me to grow on I shut it down. I get the know it all syndrome. This was important for me because I was attracting a lot of "know it all" people in my life that I felt were making my situation worse rather than better...Yeah... so I knew then what I am forgetting now, that when times of trials and tribulations come along it is not the outside source that needs to be changed...

I am growing, and I don't want to stop growing. I am not content, but I am not dissatisfied either. I am happy with what I have, but I know I am capable of so much more. It sounded (sounds) like a contradiction when I first thought of it, but it is ever so clear to me right now. I am happy with where I am on this journey, but I know the journey is far from complete.

Who I am, changes just as it remains the same. At the core of my soul I am already the goodness that I am seeking...the harmony, peace, prosperity etc...It has shown itself in a myriad of different ways and different times(daily it seems). Sometimes it gets to me actually because I want that normalcy or consistency that I am taught I should have, but I realize or am coming to realize that this is my normalcy and it will go smoother if I stop attempting to fit it into a box that someone else has handed me. Get rid of the box! It ain't me.

Weird Place

A lot of great things are unfolding in my life right now. It feels good, for the most part that is. As I step into uncharted territory in my life there is an uneasiness happening. It is like the first time I got behind the wheel of a car and realized how much power is in my hands at that moment. I feel that way now. I have so much power at my disposal through my thoughts, and how I perceive things and events. Right Thought and Right Action are a powerfully magnetic combination. The key for me now is remembering the purpose in it all, and not getting complacent because something feels good. I can appreciate what I am receiving and still understand that better things are still in the horizon.

Adendum...Be about it

"Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times you gotta call it up and invite it over for tea." Fred G. Sanford

I am tired of talking about it. As my Grandma would say to me often, "piss or get off of the pot." It is done. I am doing It. I am free of the past. I am clinging to nothing that held me stagnant. I was purging this morning and the same song was about to pop up again. And a voice inside of me I have rarely if ever heard before proclaimed..."Enough"...and so it is. Enough. I am good. I am clear. I am free.


Today is a good day.

The Truth

The truth is most days I don't know. I don't know what I am going to do that day, I don't know how things will turn out or how I will feel moment to moment. I have been uncertain and insecure. I have wallowed in self-pity and self-indulged in practices that have been extremely unproductive and unhealthy. I have hoped when I should have believed and believed when I should have let it go. I am learning and growing. Expecting and expanding. Some days it hurts, the old me was cute and comfortable. I said cute shit and people patted me on the back. The show was good... Ma look no hands...

I didn't like me...I tolerated me...I laughed at me instead of with me. I was chasing and not allowing. I was forcing and not engaging. I want something different for mySelf. I need something different. I Am something different. It is just a matter of when will I recognized it, and embrace it... purely and consistently...

Zoom....

How I been feeling today, and yesterday...

Zoom lyrics

Lionel Richie
I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don't care
'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere
I'm searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I've never seen
Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream
Dream my dream
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind is fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be
I'd like the greet the sun each morning
And walk amongst the stars at night
I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life
Well I've shared so many pains
And I've played so many games
But everyone finds the right way
Somehow
Somewhere
Someday
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'll find the love that I long to see
People can be what they wanna be
I wish the world were truly happy
Living as one
I wish the word they call freedom someday would come
Someday would come
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Everybody can be what they wanna be
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
You and me, baby
Walking free
Don't you wanna go?
Don't you wanna go?




So I will...

Faith

Faith is evidently very key to this process of growth. The question that arose in me today is, what am I placing my faith in. Am I relying on strictly blind faith or am I clear in my intentions and where I am placing my faith? These are the questions that have been on my mind and to be quite honest my thought process is not always that clear on where and what I am placing my faith in. I am hoping more than knowing or/and believing. Wishing something good would happen instead of making(allowing)good things to happen.

Right Action.

Right Thought.

Right Now.

Letting E-go

Ego is a helluva drug! We sometimes go into something with the greatest of intentions, but along the way our ego interferes. What seemed like a very good idea then becomes mangled and matted down...we don't see clearly the objective so our perspective becomes subjective...ha...I rhymed...not intentionally though...anywho...letting go of my agenda for the greater cause and having vision beyond what is seen is my purpose or/and goal. Remembering why I am here and what made me stay. My love and my passion. My desire to be more than I was when I arrived and to share some parts of me(eventually arriving at the whole of me) along the way. Letting my Life be a testimony of my principles and beliefs. Living a Truth that is beyond any other...Yeah...keeping my eye on that prize...

I needed to vent, but instead I prayed...worked out much better in the long run

Repitition

Over the last year when doing the blogs. I often worried about sounding like a broken record repeating the same thing over and over again, or going back and forth yelling "I am healed" followed by "sike, not quite". But the reality of it is that when you've been conditioned to think a certain way. There may be relapses into what was once comfortable. I cannot worry about being perfect in this journey. It is more important to me to be real and honest. There are definite things about myself that I need to change, not only change but to improve on is more accurate. Change can mean a lot of different things, all of them not good. Improvement is what it is. It is necessary for me right now. I am committed to being that which I seek. I committed to being it Now. Daily.

I am better than okay.

I am better than good.

I am better than I am giving myself "credit" for.

I remember the very first time I stepped into Agape. Rev Michael was not there that day. The speaker was Bro. Ishmael Tetteh. He received a glowing introduction, and when he got up he responded by saying that everything she has said is true. I was taken aback for a few seconds, then he said why wouldn't it be true if we are created in the Image and Likeness of God. Point, game and match. I got it then. I remember it almost daily, but in essence I have had a hard time applying it to me. I have questioned my worthiness, even as I see it in those around me.

Like attracts Like!

Stop questioning the obvious...

Trust in It...

Happy Anniversary

*exhaling*

Yeah so one year ago today I set out to change my thoughts and change my life. Inspired by Wayne Dyer title to his book, I decided that enough was enough and mediocre thinking was no longer a valid option. So yeah, as I was posting a blog this week I was curious about when I started blogging about it, and to my surprise I was coming up on a year of postings. As I went back I could feel myself holding back on what was really happening with me. Even as I type this I feel like something more should be coming out. But as they say, "It is what it is."... Yeah... I looked back for a brief moment over this year really curious as to if and how I have changed my thoughts. I did change a lot! I grew immensely. I shared more of myself than I ever have. I recognized and realized my passion as a filmmaker and storyteller. I have cultivated a lot of new and inspiring relationships, while eliminating a few toxic ones. My penchant for procrastinating is still pretty steady to say the least, but I am moving in a direction I like. Back to the thoughts though, because that is what is important to my Spiritual, Physical and Emotional survival! I was expecting some overnight revelations and shifts that would be evident to everyone and everything. I was expecting to walk on water and elevate the whole planet with me. I was expecting instead of allowing. So while my thoughts have "improved" the next phase in the process is to not put expectations on the change, and simply Be that Change. Live the growth, and to not worry about if others are noticing. Be Still and Know.

Over the next phase of my journey (without putting any pressure or expectation) I will be looking at my thoughts around money, intimacy and relationships. I have mentioned before I had (can't claim it as my Now) a poor relationship with loot. I would not be able to keep it simply because I feared losing it. I had unhealthy upbringings surrounding it and never learned how to deal with it properly. I recognized it and know it stems from my overall thinking that wealth and financial security is for the chosen few and I felt that I was outside of that circle looking in. Intimacy....hmmm...yeah...not just on the physical level, but really letting folks (some) know the real me. The other me. The blog is cool, but it still allows me to keep folks at a comfortable distance. *Sidebar*... I never really came to far out of my comfort zone over this last year. Whenever challenges arose I retreated back to a comfortable position. So with changing my thoughts has to come a change in actions. ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming. So I have to trust that the friends I have can honor the space in which we choose to share our feelings, dreams or anything else that should come up. The same way that I have to honor that space for them. I am still bottling stuff up to a certain degree, and it is past time to open that cap. Relationships and intimacy kind of go hand in hand(is it hand in hand or hand n hand on hand and hand), but I also mean business and artistic relationships too. My personal aloofness has meandered over into how I deal with folks on the business and artistic side as well. I kept my creative dreams locked down, for fear that they wouldn't be well received. So now it is just about creating the vision and allowing it to go where it may. No expectations. No Doubt.

Well all of that is to say. Yes I have grown. I am moving in a direction I can see mySelf being successful in. I must honor my ideas as real and necessary. Gotta meditate, pray and journal a little more and continue to story tell. I love it. More importantly I gotta gotta gotta keep being honest with Me! Keep loving and appreciating me, and keep honoring the Divine within Me (and You too).

Revelations, Reflections and Gratitude

As I approach the one year anniversary of this blog, I had and exchange today that made grateful and reflective all in one. I had a "conversation" today with someone who took exception to one of my post that there is goodness in the world. I am not one to argue over peoples beliefs...I am not in the business of being right... I am more interested in being sincere and honest. Anyway...their view is that we live in a miserable world right now and cannot wait until the "new system" comes so they can be happy. I didn't judge, but I also didn't share my beliefs too deeply because I know (or could sense) that they were not receptive to any other understanding but their own. Yeah, it sent me into a myriad of meditations and reflections today...which led to moments of both elation and melancholy...

I am grateful for my evolution as a person. I shy away from giving myself too much (ok any) credit for anything, but I am truly grateful that the experiences and people that have been put on my path have inspired and enlighten way of not only thinking but living. I am choosing to be more compassionate with me. Cutting me some "slack" ya know. I will stop stressing over the small things and appreciate that which I have. Something may or may not always be better than nothing, but I am loving whatever I have now.

God is Good Always...

Let's talk about Sex...

So, yesterday morning I got an email on facebook from a young lady asking me if I knew another lady by the name of blah blah. I said that the name did not ring a bell and asked where I would know her from. She said I would have known her from Philly or the military, I commence to tell her that I was never in the military, but I was born and raised in Philly. Then she states that she doesn't mean to bother me, but she is looking for her biological father and wanted more info from me! Wow...now my heart is racing and I am having mad flashbacks to when this could be and all that goes with it. I also had to do a search for my father although my search was a lot easier since I had met him a few times as a child and spent time with his aunt when I was very young. So my first intention was to be as helpful as possible since I know how difficult of a process it is to start and go through. So I give her some info about me, and she tells me his birthday and it turns out to not be me. I was both happy that it wasn't me, but sad that she had to continue this search for the man who help to conceive her.

Lately, I have been having many conversations around sex...both in larger groups and in more intimate settings. What it means to different people and all of that. I shared with a couple of the groups that I have been abstinent, and didn't go too much more into details. Some of the other people too were waiting, some for marriage others of us until we feel a deeper understanding of who we are with and why we are there. Some people felt that it was just sex and not really a big deal. With that I totally disagree. Sex it the most powerful act two(or more) people can engage in. Its ultimate end leads to Life! I thought more about that yesterday than ever before. I had been pretty careless when it came to sex in my younger years (and not so younger years). I was not always as protected as I should have been, and didn't think much of it. Yesterday was the second time my mind raced back to the days when I was carefree in Philly and other places. The first was a few years back when I needed an HIV test for my life insurance plan. As I waited for the results I was anxious beyond belief. When it came back cool I vowed to take sex more seriously and recognize the Divinity in its Act. To me it is sacred and I am not in the business of preaching, but I have on many occasions seen the end result of lack of communication surrounding sex. People do not talk about their expectations of their relationship after wards and it changes things. I believe in making conscious choices now, with my mind, body and soul. I have not and will not put time limits on anything, but I will know when it is the right time to make any choice I make around it.

Creating A Safe Place

"When cut deep the same blood we bleed/We're not immune to addiction or disease/Got violent deaths in our family trees." Citizen Cope

I got some disturbing news very early this morning regarding two of my family members. It kind of took me by surprise but then again it really didn't. My family's way of dealing with things is to ignore and deny until it builds into some seemingly irreconcilable occurrence. When I got the news I looked for a safe haven for my Self, to ponder, revitalize and recharge. I couldn't find solace no matter where I turned. I grew increasingly agitated and frustrated. Why can't I ever seem to get what I give(or am I)? I just wanted(want) peace! Finally found someone to talk to and vent my frustrations about a myriad of things, when it dawned on me. God is my safe place. It is always with me. I do not have to anything other than Be Still to access It! The Power and the Presence is Ever-Present. I was going there when the weather was good, but avoiding it when it is needed most. God always understands! I do not have to beg, prod or cajole It... The safe place has already been created I need to follow the most effective advice I always give and pray and meditate on It. Whatever it is...

Time is on My Side

As I was in a contemplative mood today this song played...




Then I realized music calms the savage beast and that includes ego....





I am glad I have stopped running and am wiling to shine...Life is Good


God is Good...

Restlessness is my nemesis

"My restlessness is my nemesis/It's hard to really chill and sit still/committed to page/I write rhymes/sometimes won't finish for days" Mos Def

I always loved that line by Mos Def...I could/can relate to it. When I am in a creative mode I can't sit still. There may be a few other factors, but I got to get into the world and just move and shake and do. I love people watching, and sharing ideas, especially when folks are respectful of the space and don't bring fear and propaganda into the equation. Fear has been big on my mind lately, and how it permeates itself into our dialogue seamlessly and without much effort. Our family fears about taking risks become our own eventually(if we are not aware). Our nations fear of change and growth dominate the overall mainstream dialogue and we continue in a place of complacency and idleness. I get it too! Growth is not the most comfortable thing, I still battle with my Wall Of Jericho(fear)...anywho...

Yeah...I am progressing in my meditation and being able to "sit still" physically, and now I am beginning to look at the mental side of the stillness equation. That is where the clarity comes in, and in this very moment I am in need of some more clarity and direction. Cranking up that spiritual GPS if you will. I was consumed by the the things missing in my Life, now I am understanding what it really means to be grateful for what I have....

Standing Tall

"No man is an island but I often feel alone So I find peace through...'Ohm...'" Saul Williams

So a little while ago...about a week now I guess... I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine Z about asking for help and doing it all yourself. He was sharing with me when challenges arise instead seeking help he rolls up his sleeves and "tries harder" if you will. His overall point was that it hadn't served him and his business well and now he is learning to reach out more, but it is still difficult to do. I related entirely with what he was saying. I have turned down help (recently even) even though I really needed it because seeking help was just not something I can or could do easily. Ego gets in the way. Practice makes it perfect, and I am letting go of anything that doesn't serve me. Some releasing has taken place immediately and some has taken longer that I anticipated, but I see the progress and know that I am better today than I was yesterday, and will be better tomorrow...

Demons at the Gate

"Worry is like payment on a bill that isn't due yet"...unknown


Today I woke up just with just worry, doubt and fear just banging on the gates of my mind. Through my morning spiritual rituals I couldn't shake it. They manifested themselves in back pain and headaches and all other types of ailment(physical and mental). That being said there is a lot of construction happening in my crib right now so there is crazy dust and dirt happening. Anywho, I was ready to pack it in real early. Not go do my errands or film the things I planned to film today. I was battling hard to get it going. Then I decided for a moment to not resist. Not in the I give up sort of way, but ok fine I may not be good enough, but I am gonna do It anyway. I may not have enough loot, but I am gonna treat myself anyway. Etc. So yeah I gave them nothing to fight against. I figured I would give that a try, and see what happens.

It has been almost a year since I started this blog, and I have been thinking a lot about what my purpose is/was for doing this. It dawned on me a few weeks ago that this blog is not about having the answers, but revealing my questions as they arise. To share with others, so just maybe those questions can assist others on their journey. Those are the blogs and other writings that appeal to me. The ones that allow me some insight to my own life through theirs. Not in the living vicariously through other folks, but in sharing their vulnerabilities it enables me the freedom to see mine. Yeah, something like that.

Don't Sweat The Technique

“Do or do not... there is no try.” Yoda

Today I was thinking about a conversation I had many years back when I first started acting. At the time I had been taking acting classes for a few years at Freedom Theatre in Philly and had a good friend of mine Warren who had been there pretty much as long as me. Anywho, one day in between classes we were talking about techniques and approaches and all that, when he turns to me and says we have so much technique happening right now that is causing us to over think and not feel the character. He said that he can see us trying to be the character and worrying about technique instead of just doing it. It made a lot sense to me and I began to put some of the techniques aside and went back to the organic style and if a role required it then I would dig deeper into different techniques and all that. I say all of that to say that today I noticed the same thing happening in my spiritual life...I was doing all this prep to get ready to be prepared to....yeah anyway...I was thinking about it instead of just being IT! So I then decided to simply take it back to first grade...sticks and stones...if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything...as well as the highest commandment of them all... Love Thy neighbor as Thyself! Simply put...Just Be!

Speaking of technique. I have been looking at footage of of my short Casual Friday, and there are definitely some things I need to learn about the process...right??? Didn't I just...well... in this particular case there were lighting and sound things that I could have done differently. So I went to the library picked up a few books so I can know what the hell I am talking about. Artistry doesn't have to be devoid of technical savvy either. Each time out I should (and will) do a better job. One of the things is to practice shooting things as many things as I possibly can. Even if I just invite friends over and shoot a random scene. I am excited that the sky is the limit when it comes to my artistry, and I am grateful to have an incredibly encouraging support system.