Right it out!

I write because it makes me "feel better". I write because I need an outlet to release my frustrations, joys, concerns and epiphanies. I write because it helps to see the words that were once only a thought. I write because the truth sets us free. I write because it helps me to release my fears. I write because it helps. I write to write sometimes simply just because with no particular point in mind. Today is not that day.

As I journey into unknown territory for myself...exploring the inner most reaches of my mind and soul. Stepping out on faith, while taking stock of what matters to me and why. The why is important to me in this next phase, and probably the phase after that as well. I would be lying if I said I knew what is in store for me as I make the changes for the better. I honestly don't know what all of the changes will be. I feel the need and urge to make a plunge. To go for "it" with all my living passion. It is vague to me right at this moment. It could be simple, or it could be drastic. Either way it is necessary. I am not bracing for it, but still preparing for it just the same. Before not knowing would drive me crazy, and yet and still while I am uncomfortable right now, I believe and know Life will work the way it needs to work at the end.

ShadowBoxing

"It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you..." Rakim

It doesn't seem like a month since I have written here, shared my feelings or experiences, or purged my system. But it has been, and it felt really weird. A lot has been going on most of it good, all of it good actually, some of it just didn't feel great as I was going through it. I was told a while ago that the growing process never ends, that there is always new heights to explore and new parts of ourselves to rediscover. I was resisting that notion. I noticed that I resist a lot those things that make me uncomfortable. My linear mind tells me that there is a catch or it is way to good to be true. The borders and boundaries are built high and wide, and I create excuses for their existence. Inevitably I let them down, but I have been wondering has the good part already evaporated by the time I am ready to indulge in it?

I have been reading a lot about living in the shadows this month in the magazine Science of Mind. It has been talking about hiding things and how they grow in the darkness, and it isn't until you shine the light of truth that they disappear. It had me thinking about my personal experience, and how my manhood and experiences as a man have been largely dictated by what I don't want to be, more so than what it is that I want to be. I have recognized it, and I am correcting it. It is truly important for me to define my life in the affirmative as opposed to the negative. That is the only way for me to achieve those things that allow me to grow, prosper and flourish.

Finally, Casual Friday is 99.4% done, and I am finally excited about finishing my first film. I started something and completed it, and that is huge for me. I can not express how huge that really is for me. Especially since I know this is only the beginning. I am a filmmaker not only in theory, but in practice and in deed. It is done, and I am happy.

Approval

I am Mark Benson and I approve of this message.

I approve of me as I am. I approve of me improving. I approve of loving myself unconditionally. I approve of self-acceptance. Today is a new day. I am bound by today and this moment and only this moment. Everything I want, need and desire is available to me Now. It is my choice whether I fret over past choices or live for today and in today. It really isn't rocket science, it is simple even though it isn't always easy. It is complicated by my unwillingness to submit and relinquish control over my emotions and the situations at hand. Or my desire to place blame instead of accepting responsibility. Being accountable for me to me and by me.

Today has been kind of an up and down day. I am feeling the need to change some things in my life, but do not know where or how to begin. I don't believe in bemoaning my lot, so I will just say that there are some changes that are necessary in the areas of job and housing. No need to really go to deep into it, since by goal for today is letting go of yesterday. I realize that I am particular and sometimes quirky, and am beyond fine with that. I like my own space. Not that I am not into sharing or compromising, but somethings to me seem commonsensical. It is what it is though. I can control only what I can control. It is timing and choices meeting up at the right time. My choices and my timing.

Looking to end on a high note. Pick myself up as I go to work and put on my game face on. Ha. I have had much worse jobs and it goes by quickly, but now that I have gotten my feet wet as a filmmaker I am eager and anxious to honestly start making a living out of that. Doing only what I love doing...which for the record is filmmaking, acting, and producing(all types of art). I also enjoy working with youth, but in being honest with myself that is secondary to being an artist. I love...oooops...was about to justify myself for no reason and to no one in particular. So I don't know if this is a high note, but I will end it there.

Growing Pains...Or something like that

Trust
Truth
Love
Hope
Compassion
Honesty
Integrity
Choice
Richness
Silence
Gratitude
Joy
Liberation
Freedom
Fullness
Sentimental
Creativity
Generosity
...

Looking in the mirror I see the reflection of the cracking soul and spiritual stretch marks. I am eager to be something new, different and yes better, but along the way I keep seeming to forget that sometimes time is the only thing that will work. Giving me time to look at myself. Giving myself time to "smell the roses". Giving myself a space to be wrong, to err and to regroup. I see what I am capable of...matter of fact I know what I am capable of and because of that I get frustrated with myself when I don't live up to what I know I could be. I put way too much pressure on myself. I stress over the trivial aspects and the minute details. It is not working for me. There is a gap between what I do and what I should do.

Accountable
Responsible
Trustworthy
Humble
Strong
Sincere
Secure


I often see glimpses of the ideal me, then it fades. The me I know I should be. Doing the good that needs to be done...moving beyond that self absorbed person. Releasing the blame of a past that is long gone and standing fully aware that this moment is truly controllable. The goodness of the moment is not merely chance or a fluke, but it is the way my life should be lived. Daily... Speaking in the affirmative is not something I do often. It has been easier to not commit...to keep my options open and all that jazz, but in the long run(and short one too) I get uncommitted results. Or should I say inconsistent responses from myself, the Universe and every one and thing involved. It is imperative that I be able to assess my progress(or lack thereof) without blaming myself and being harsh when I feel I fall short. Critiquing without being critical is the best way I can think to say it.

Wise
Funny
Eclectic
Passionate
Smiley
Energetic
Powerful

No rhyme or reason necessary. It is what it is. Do my best at any given time, and know that great results will manifest out of it. Don't be afraid that the worse will happen. Enter into it seeing the best results already happening. Speak to myself in an affirmative tone regularly and believe it. Stop the word play and live from a deeper place. Be it. Stop running. Be Still. Have Faith. Envision it. Recognize the inherent beauty that is naturally there. Stop playing small to fit in. Yeah...something like that...no...exactly that. Yes.

Mother's Day

Yvonne Benson, MY MOM! She left the physical world 5/31/1986, and yeah I have spoken about it but never really talking about the impact she had on me. I kind of put up a shield or a guard and spoke about her in vagueness. Yeah, I have and will always Love my Mother. It is because of her allowing me to be me and feel things(I cried alot as a young child) that I am as creative and compassionate (and all the other qualities I admire in me) as I am today. Yvonne Benson had/has a strong personality and people understood her point of view on things very clearly from the first moment they met her. But she raised me very differently, she raised me to care about things outwardly(she cared a lot but kept it bottled in) and to understand that being a Man was not all about being macho and a rah rah attitude. I was told to listen, pay attention, and to think for myself. She told me she would always have my back if I was right, and I believe that to this day! She still has my back. She also told me that if she had my back and I mislead her she would not go easy on me either. And she didn't, but now I have integrity because of that. I am a stronger Man, a better Human Being and a productive Citizen because of her. My Mom had a crazy sense of style and people really dug that about her. She didn't believe in copying others and looked to be The Original at all times. She had me understand that sometime it was ok to stand alone. Don't always follow the pack is what she said time and time again. I remember when I was about 10 or 11 , if that, she went to the hair dresser and came home with her colored Plum. I thought it was purple but she corrected me and everyone else who got it wrong. Yeah she did her on thing even way back then, and the is why I am not afraid to do mine! I am truly thankful and grateful for the Man that I am and the lion's share of the credit goes to Yvonne Benson.

Mom, your Wease(one of her many names for me) is doing better than okay and on this day and every day I thank You for that. I love you

Comfort Zone

Comfort is what you have when God gives you the victory. Then, you can pass it on to others." ~Raye Adkins


Fear is corruptible. I like me. I love me actually. That is an important thing for me to remember. I sometimes give my power away! I give other outside sources more credit than I give myself. I underestimate my own power and self worth. This particular time it is a job that I am falling prey too. It is consuming me, and it is not something I like. It is important for me to realize where my strength lies. It is in my creativity. My true strength is in my art. That is my purpose and that is where my attention has to remain. Everything else is transient. Actually everything is transient. We are always evolving and the same way something or someone comes into my Life in Diving Timing it will continuously happen when I am centered in Spirit. Now that is where my unmovable strength truly resides. In Spirit! The only thing that is not temporary in my Life. Spirit.

Happiness is key. Joy is what I am seeking. Expanding my self in ways that seemed improbable merely a few weeks ago. Releasing that fear that stopped me from claiming the desires of my heart. Love, Career, Family etc. Taking a moment to breathe and center myself. Picturing the goodness that is available to me and in me. Being comfortable in discomfort. Yeah I don't know. It all seems so simple some days, and then others days it feels like solving some algebraic equation. Most days I have more questions than answers and I am cool with that, but there are times when I just want to know. I wanna know what the future holds for me. I just wanna know when it will all jump off. I wanna, I wanna I wanna...this is when it is important for me to remember the things I always seem to forget. God knows and I need to trust in It more. Meditate and pray more. Continue to give and live freely. To not worry about tomorrow, but to enjoy today and bask in the glory of It all right now. I am blessed.

Perceptions

We grow and we change. The very things that seemed so very clear can become muddled and mired in an instance. We resist that change and try to hold on to that feeling that invigorated us sooooo much. Life goes on though, and we do ourselves a disservice by attempting to recreate a past that has moved on. I have noticed my resistance lately. It has manifested itself once again in the form of another person in my life. I have said before I am magnificent at giving advice, but receiving advice...well whoa... I got this. I have been better at not giving my opinion lately, after all is just my opinion and at the end of the day it only matters to me(if you get what I'm saying). But my friend kept asking me what I thought and for everything I said there was a level of resistance. As I was about to get annoyed I took a pause to do a quick internal check. Why is this bothering me? In what part of my Life is this relevant? I noticed that I am resistant to a few things right now, especially when I think someone is trying to "change me". I can be strong willed and yet comfortable with my routine. I do no mind change just on my own terms(ha), and I put up strong resistance when I feel something being "forced" upon me. So it is important for me to be more flexible and less controlling was the lesson that immediately came to me. I am sure the deeper meaning will also be revealed as well.

This was going somewhere totally different when I started it, but the necessity of the moment was more about a recognition of an issue that was dominating my thoughts. When this blog started it was about sharing a journey, my journey, to a better me. For better or for worse I decided to look at my thoughts and how they affect my life and make some changes. The changes have not been as drastic as I thought they would be, but they are happening. Someone told me that the key to patience is to do something else while you wait. I was not doing anything else. I was looking at the proverbial clock on the wall patting my foot and waiting to be a better person. Well there were a couple issues that came about from that approach. One and most importantly there was no acknowledgment of the person I am and the goodness that already exist. In essence I wasn't grateful for who I was(Am)...I acted like I needed to start from scratch and be a whole new me. Which was and is not the case. My purpose was and is to align my thoughts to my actions to live a more complete life. Secondly while I was waiting absolutely nothing was getting done. I don't really know what else to say about that one to be honest.

So anywho, I am trying to figure out a way to wrap this up since I don't know what it had to do with perceptions at all. Unless it is the way I am perceiving myself and the things around me. Or growth is all about perception?

Who Am I?

"We don't attract what we want, we attract who we are." Various Authors

When I first heard that quote I was indeed intimidated. I was in a "bad" place and I felt like they were telling me I was a "bad" person. What??? Come on Son...I got judgmental and defensive. At that moment I caught myself. I am soooooo good at telling folks how to "correct their situation", but the moment someone has something for me to grow on I shut it down. I get the know it all syndrome. This was important for me because I was attracting a lot of "know it all" people in my life that I felt were making my situation worse rather than better...Yeah... so I knew then what I am forgetting now, that when times of trials and tribulations come along it is not the outside source that needs to be changed...

I am growing, and I don't want to stop growing. I am not content, but I am not dissatisfied either. I am happy with what I have, but I know I am capable of so much more. It sounded (sounds) like a contradiction when I first thought of it, but it is ever so clear to me right now. I am happy with where I am on this journey, but I know the journey is far from complete.

Who I am, changes just as it remains the same. At the core of my soul I am already the goodness that I am seeking...the harmony, peace, prosperity etc...It has shown itself in a myriad of different ways and different times(daily it seems). Sometimes it gets to me actually because I want that normalcy or consistency that I am taught I should have, but I realize or am coming to realize that this is my normalcy and it will go smoother if I stop attempting to fit it into a box that someone else has handed me. Get rid of the box! It ain't me.

Weird Place

A lot of great things are unfolding in my life right now. It feels good, for the most part that is. As I step into uncharted territory in my life there is an uneasiness happening. It is like the first time I got behind the wheel of a car and realized how much power is in my hands at that moment. I feel that way now. I have so much power at my disposal through my thoughts, and how I perceive things and events. Right Thought and Right Action are a powerfully magnetic combination. The key for me now is remembering the purpose in it all, and not getting complacent because something feels good. I can appreciate what I am receiving and still understand that better things are still in the horizon.

Adendum...Be about it

"Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times you gotta call it up and invite it over for tea." Fred G. Sanford

I am tired of talking about it. As my Grandma would say to me often, "piss or get off of the pot." It is done. I am doing It. I am free of the past. I am clinging to nothing that held me stagnant. I was purging this morning and the same song was about to pop up again. And a voice inside of me I have rarely if ever heard before proclaimed..."Enough"...and so it is. Enough. I am good. I am clear. I am free.


Today is a good day.

The Truth

The truth is most days I don't know. I don't know what I am going to do that day, I don't know how things will turn out or how I will feel moment to moment. I have been uncertain and insecure. I have wallowed in self-pity and self-indulged in practices that have been extremely unproductive and unhealthy. I have hoped when I should have believed and believed when I should have let it go. I am learning and growing. Expecting and expanding. Some days it hurts, the old me was cute and comfortable. I said cute shit and people patted me on the back. The show was good... Ma look no hands...

I didn't like me...I tolerated me...I laughed at me instead of with me. I was chasing and not allowing. I was forcing and not engaging. I want something different for mySelf. I need something different. I Am something different. It is just a matter of when will I recognized it, and embrace it... purely and consistently...

Zoom....

How I been feeling today, and yesterday...

Zoom lyrics

Lionel Richie
I may be just a foolish dreamer
But I don't care
'Cause I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere
I'm searching for that silver lining
Horizons that I've never seen
Oh I'd like to take just a moment and dream my dream
Dream my dream
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind is fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Where everybody can be what they wanna be
I'd like the greet the sun each morning
And walk amongst the stars at night
I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life
Well I've shared so many pains
And I've played so many games
But everyone finds the right way
Somehow
Somewhere
Someday
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'll find the love that I long to see
People can be what they wanna be
I wish the world were truly happy
Living as one
I wish the word they call freedom someday would come
Someday would come
Zoom
I'd like to fly far away from here
Where my mind can be fresh and clear
And I'd find the love that I long to see
Everybody can be what they wanna be
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
Zoom
I'd like to fly away
You and me, baby
Walking free
Don't you wanna go?
Don't you wanna go?




So I will...

Faith

Faith is evidently very key to this process of growth. The question that arose in me today is, what am I placing my faith in. Am I relying on strictly blind faith or am I clear in my intentions and where I am placing my faith? These are the questions that have been on my mind and to be quite honest my thought process is not always that clear on where and what I am placing my faith in. I am hoping more than knowing or/and believing. Wishing something good would happen instead of making(allowing)good things to happen.

Right Action.

Right Thought.

Right Now.

Letting E-go

Ego is a helluva drug! We sometimes go into something with the greatest of intentions, but along the way our ego interferes. What seemed like a very good idea then becomes mangled and matted down...we don't see clearly the objective so our perspective becomes subjective...ha...I rhymed...not intentionally though...anywho...letting go of my agenda for the greater cause and having vision beyond what is seen is my purpose or/and goal. Remembering why I am here and what made me stay. My love and my passion. My desire to be more than I was when I arrived and to share some parts of me(eventually arriving at the whole of me) along the way. Letting my Life be a testimony of my principles and beliefs. Living a Truth that is beyond any other...Yeah...keeping my eye on that prize...

I needed to vent, but instead I prayed...worked out much better in the long run

Repitition

Over the last year when doing the blogs. I often worried about sounding like a broken record repeating the same thing over and over again, or going back and forth yelling "I am healed" followed by "sike, not quite". But the reality of it is that when you've been conditioned to think a certain way. There may be relapses into what was once comfortable. I cannot worry about being perfect in this journey. It is more important to me to be real and honest. There are definite things about myself that I need to change, not only change but to improve on is more accurate. Change can mean a lot of different things, all of them not good. Improvement is what it is. It is necessary for me right now. I am committed to being that which I seek. I committed to being it Now. Daily.

I am better than okay.

I am better than good.

I am better than I am giving myself "credit" for.

I remember the very first time I stepped into Agape. Rev Michael was not there that day. The speaker was Bro. Ishmael Tetteh. He received a glowing introduction, and when he got up he responded by saying that everything she has said is true. I was taken aback for a few seconds, then he said why wouldn't it be true if we are created in the Image and Likeness of God. Point, game and match. I got it then. I remember it almost daily, but in essence I have had a hard time applying it to me. I have questioned my worthiness, even as I see it in those around me.

Like attracts Like!

Stop questioning the obvious...

Trust in It...

Happy Anniversary

*exhaling*

Yeah so one year ago today I set out to change my thoughts and change my life. Inspired by Wayne Dyer title to his book, I decided that enough was enough and mediocre thinking was no longer a valid option. So yeah, as I was posting a blog this week I was curious about when I started blogging about it, and to my surprise I was coming up on a year of postings. As I went back I could feel myself holding back on what was really happening with me. Even as I type this I feel like something more should be coming out. But as they say, "It is what it is."... Yeah... I looked back for a brief moment over this year really curious as to if and how I have changed my thoughts. I did change a lot! I grew immensely. I shared more of myself than I ever have. I recognized and realized my passion as a filmmaker and storyteller. I have cultivated a lot of new and inspiring relationships, while eliminating a few toxic ones. My penchant for procrastinating is still pretty steady to say the least, but I am moving in a direction I like. Back to the thoughts though, because that is what is important to my Spiritual, Physical and Emotional survival! I was expecting some overnight revelations and shifts that would be evident to everyone and everything. I was expecting to walk on water and elevate the whole planet with me. I was expecting instead of allowing. So while my thoughts have "improved" the next phase in the process is to not put expectations on the change, and simply Be that Change. Live the growth, and to not worry about if others are noticing. Be Still and Know.

Over the next phase of my journey (without putting any pressure or expectation) I will be looking at my thoughts around money, intimacy and relationships. I have mentioned before I had (can't claim it as my Now) a poor relationship with loot. I would not be able to keep it simply because I feared losing it. I had unhealthy upbringings surrounding it and never learned how to deal with it properly. I recognized it and know it stems from my overall thinking that wealth and financial security is for the chosen few and I felt that I was outside of that circle looking in. Intimacy....hmmm...yeah...not just on the physical level, but really letting folks (some) know the real me. The other me. The blog is cool, but it still allows me to keep folks at a comfortable distance. *Sidebar*... I never really came to far out of my comfort zone over this last year. Whenever challenges arose I retreated back to a comfortable position. So with changing my thoughts has to come a change in actions. ok, back to our regularly scheduled programming. So I have to trust that the friends I have can honor the space in which we choose to share our feelings, dreams or anything else that should come up. The same way that I have to honor that space for them. I am still bottling stuff up to a certain degree, and it is past time to open that cap. Relationships and intimacy kind of go hand in hand(is it hand in hand or hand n hand on hand and hand), but I also mean business and artistic relationships too. My personal aloofness has meandered over into how I deal with folks on the business and artistic side as well. I kept my creative dreams locked down, for fear that they wouldn't be well received. So now it is just about creating the vision and allowing it to go where it may. No expectations. No Doubt.

Well all of that is to say. Yes I have grown. I am moving in a direction I can see mySelf being successful in. I must honor my ideas as real and necessary. Gotta meditate, pray and journal a little more and continue to story tell. I love it. More importantly I gotta gotta gotta keep being honest with Me! Keep loving and appreciating me, and keep honoring the Divine within Me (and You too).

Revelations, Reflections and Gratitude

As I approach the one year anniversary of this blog, I had and exchange today that made grateful and reflective all in one. I had a "conversation" today with someone who took exception to one of my post that there is goodness in the world. I am not one to argue over peoples beliefs...I am not in the business of being right... I am more interested in being sincere and honest. Anyway...their view is that we live in a miserable world right now and cannot wait until the "new system" comes so they can be happy. I didn't judge, but I also didn't share my beliefs too deeply because I know (or could sense) that they were not receptive to any other understanding but their own. Yeah, it sent me into a myriad of meditations and reflections today...which led to moments of both elation and melancholy...

I am grateful for my evolution as a person. I shy away from giving myself too much (ok any) credit for anything, but I am truly grateful that the experiences and people that have been put on my path have inspired and enlighten way of not only thinking but living. I am choosing to be more compassionate with me. Cutting me some "slack" ya know. I will stop stressing over the small things and appreciate that which I have. Something may or may not always be better than nothing, but I am loving whatever I have now.

God is Good Always...

Let's talk about Sex...

So, yesterday morning I got an email on facebook from a young lady asking me if I knew another lady by the name of blah blah. I said that the name did not ring a bell and asked where I would know her from. She said I would have known her from Philly or the military, I commence to tell her that I was never in the military, but I was born and raised in Philly. Then she states that she doesn't mean to bother me, but she is looking for her biological father and wanted more info from me! Wow...now my heart is racing and I am having mad flashbacks to when this could be and all that goes with it. I also had to do a search for my father although my search was a lot easier since I had met him a few times as a child and spent time with his aunt when I was very young. So my first intention was to be as helpful as possible since I know how difficult of a process it is to start and go through. So I give her some info about me, and she tells me his birthday and it turns out to not be me. I was both happy that it wasn't me, but sad that she had to continue this search for the man who help to conceive her.

Lately, I have been having many conversations around sex...both in larger groups and in more intimate settings. What it means to different people and all of that. I shared with a couple of the groups that I have been abstinent, and didn't go too much more into details. Some of the other people too were waiting, some for marriage others of us until we feel a deeper understanding of who we are with and why we are there. Some people felt that it was just sex and not really a big deal. With that I totally disagree. Sex it the most powerful act two(or more) people can engage in. Its ultimate end leads to Life! I thought more about that yesterday than ever before. I had been pretty careless when it came to sex in my younger years (and not so younger years). I was not always as protected as I should have been, and didn't think much of it. Yesterday was the second time my mind raced back to the days when I was carefree in Philly and other places. The first was a few years back when I needed an HIV test for my life insurance plan. As I waited for the results I was anxious beyond belief. When it came back cool I vowed to take sex more seriously and recognize the Divinity in its Act. To me it is sacred and I am not in the business of preaching, but I have on many occasions seen the end result of lack of communication surrounding sex. People do not talk about their expectations of their relationship after wards and it changes things. I believe in making conscious choices now, with my mind, body and soul. I have not and will not put time limits on anything, but I will know when it is the right time to make any choice I make around it.

Creating A Safe Place

"When cut deep the same blood we bleed/We're not immune to addiction or disease/Got violent deaths in our family trees." Citizen Cope

I got some disturbing news very early this morning regarding two of my family members. It kind of took me by surprise but then again it really didn't. My family's way of dealing with things is to ignore and deny until it builds into some seemingly irreconcilable occurrence. When I got the news I looked for a safe haven for my Self, to ponder, revitalize and recharge. I couldn't find solace no matter where I turned. I grew increasingly agitated and frustrated. Why can't I ever seem to get what I give(or am I)? I just wanted(want) peace! Finally found someone to talk to and vent my frustrations about a myriad of things, when it dawned on me. God is my safe place. It is always with me. I do not have to anything other than Be Still to access It! The Power and the Presence is Ever-Present. I was going there when the weather was good, but avoiding it when it is needed most. God always understands! I do not have to beg, prod or cajole It... The safe place has already been created I need to follow the most effective advice I always give and pray and meditate on It. Whatever it is...

Time is on My Side

As I was in a contemplative mood today this song played...




Then I realized music calms the savage beast and that includes ego....





I am glad I have stopped running and am wiling to shine...Life is Good


God is Good...