Restlessness is my nemesis

"My restlessness is my nemesis/It's hard to really chill and sit still/committed to page/I write rhymes/sometimes won't finish for days" Mos Def

I always loved that line by Mos Def...I could/can relate to it. When I am in a creative mode I can't sit still. There may be a few other factors, but I got to get into the world and just move and shake and do. I love people watching, and sharing ideas, especially when folks are respectful of the space and don't bring fear and propaganda into the equation. Fear has been big on my mind lately, and how it permeates itself into our dialogue seamlessly and without much effort. Our family fears about taking risks become our own eventually(if we are not aware). Our nations fear of change and growth dominate the overall mainstream dialogue and we continue in a place of complacency and idleness. I get it too! Growth is not the most comfortable thing, I still battle with my Wall Of Jericho(fear)...anywho...

Yeah...I am progressing in my meditation and being able to "sit still" physically, and now I am beginning to look at the mental side of the stillness equation. That is where the clarity comes in, and in this very moment I am in need of some more clarity and direction. Cranking up that spiritual GPS if you will. I was consumed by the the things missing in my Life, now I am understanding what it really means to be grateful for what I have....

Standing Tall

"No man is an island but I often feel alone So I find peace through...'Ohm...'" Saul Williams

So a little while ago...about a week now I guess... I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine Z about asking for help and doing it all yourself. He was sharing with me when challenges arise instead seeking help he rolls up his sleeves and "tries harder" if you will. His overall point was that it hadn't served him and his business well and now he is learning to reach out more, but it is still difficult to do. I related entirely with what he was saying. I have turned down help (recently even) even though I really needed it because seeking help was just not something I can or could do easily. Ego gets in the way. Practice makes it perfect, and I am letting go of anything that doesn't serve me. Some releasing has taken place immediately and some has taken longer that I anticipated, but I see the progress and know that I am better today than I was yesterday, and will be better tomorrow...

Demons at the Gate

"Worry is like payment on a bill that isn't due yet"...unknown


Today I woke up just with just worry, doubt and fear just banging on the gates of my mind. Through my morning spiritual rituals I couldn't shake it. They manifested themselves in back pain and headaches and all other types of ailment(physical and mental). That being said there is a lot of construction happening in my crib right now so there is crazy dust and dirt happening. Anywho, I was ready to pack it in real early. Not go do my errands or film the things I planned to film today. I was battling hard to get it going. Then I decided for a moment to not resist. Not in the I give up sort of way, but ok fine I may not be good enough, but I am gonna do It anyway. I may not have enough loot, but I am gonna treat myself anyway. Etc. So yeah I gave them nothing to fight against. I figured I would give that a try, and see what happens.

It has been almost a year since I started this blog, and I have been thinking a lot about what my purpose is/was for doing this. It dawned on me a few weeks ago that this blog is not about having the answers, but revealing my questions as they arise. To share with others, so just maybe those questions can assist others on their journey. Those are the blogs and other writings that appeal to me. The ones that allow me some insight to my own life through theirs. Not in the living vicariously through other folks, but in sharing their vulnerabilities it enables me the freedom to see mine. Yeah, something like that.

Don't Sweat The Technique

“Do or do not... there is no try.” Yoda

Today I was thinking about a conversation I had many years back when I first started acting. At the time I had been taking acting classes for a few years at Freedom Theatre in Philly and had a good friend of mine Warren who had been there pretty much as long as me. Anywho, one day in between classes we were talking about techniques and approaches and all that, when he turns to me and says we have so much technique happening right now that is causing us to over think and not feel the character. He said that he can see us trying to be the character and worrying about technique instead of just doing it. It made a lot sense to me and I began to put some of the techniques aside and went back to the organic style and if a role required it then I would dig deeper into different techniques and all that. I say all of that to say that today I noticed the same thing happening in my spiritual life...I was doing all this prep to get ready to be prepared to....yeah anyway...I was thinking about it instead of just being IT! So I then decided to simply take it back to first grade...sticks and stones...if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything...as well as the highest commandment of them all... Love Thy neighbor as Thyself! Simply put...Just Be!

Speaking of technique. I have been looking at footage of of my short Casual Friday, and there are definitely some things I need to learn about the process...right??? Didn't I just...well... in this particular case there were lighting and sound things that I could have done differently. So I went to the library picked up a few books so I can know what the hell I am talking about. Artistry doesn't have to be devoid of technical savvy either. Each time out I should (and will) do a better job. One of the things is to practice shooting things as many things as I possibly can. Even if I just invite friends over and shoot a random scene. I am excited that the sky is the limit when it comes to my artistry, and I am grateful to have an incredibly encouraging support system.

Growth and Expansion

"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional" Unknown


Been toiling back and forth a lot about what to say in this blog. Wrote, deleted stuff and rewrote it again quite a few times. Then I realized I was writing some extra guarded things. The purpose of me writing these entries is not to say I have the answers or anything like that. It is to explore my growth and expansion and some days retractions. I read a blog from someone (can't remember who) whose honesty touched me in a way that I had to get on that path, and share things as I experience them. I have seen a lot of times people criticize others (positive and negative) as they share their experiences, instead of going within themselves and figuring out what their journey. Easier choice to play the sidelines and be the Monday morning Quarterback, than to actually get in the "Game Of Life" and improve on ourSelves...I know from first hand experience because I have been very much guilty of this and n0t just in some far off time, but in my recent history as well.

I have a passion about people! I love to people watch. That is my passion as an artist. I love to observe the way relationships evolve and unravel. It is amazing the way people interact with each other and unconsciously make decisions based on whatever is happening in their life at that particular moment. My goal as a filmmaker and writer is to bring these intricacies alive. When I watch a film even if it is an action film, I am always curious about the characters "backstory"...I love to talk to people find out more about who they are. I just love it. I love Life! Laughing is also very important to me. Just had to say that.

Rushing

When a book is extremely good to me I have a tendency to wanna rush to the end of the chapter or the end of the book sometimes. Inevitably, what happens to me then is that I have to back track because I missed some pertinent information that ties the whole story together, and because I missed it I am left confused about so and sos part in the plot. I am noticing that same pattern of behavior in my relationships. If it is good to me I wanna rush to the good part(not merely physical) and I(we) miss out on vital things that would make the relationship that much stronger.

I am very conscious of time. How long it should take to do something, being on time and many different things of that nature. This being said, I have always felt I was doing my meditations "wrong" because it was hard for me to "sit still"for 10, 15 or 30 minutes. My mother once lost a bet with my aunt that I couldn't sit still and keep quiet for 5 minutes, and so the seed was planted and the habit in place... "That boy just just can't sit still"... While having a conversation with a very good friend yesterday it was "rebrought" to my attention to start with 30 seconds or a minute and go from there. This made perfect sense, but what even worked "better" for me after some more thought is doing smaller meditations and moments of silence throughout the day. It worked wonderfully for me yesterday(and this morning)! I was much more focused and able to relax when I took those moments as they came and went into stillness instead of worrying about one large chunk. Which then reminded me of something I said to someone earlier in the week. God doesn't recognize time. Time is a man made construct. If my purpose of meditation and stillness is to connect to God(which it is) then length of time should not matter over quality.

The Path

Opening myself up to the new! Releasing the readiness to sabotage something that feels right. Breaking the old patterns and living strictly in the moment has been a goal or objective of mine for quite a while now. I have mentioned a few times I am constantly looking out of the proverbial rear-view mirror of life, causing unnecessary stress in the process. I have proven time and time again that the laws I continuously speak of work, I just have let them work in my favor. I have dwelt on things that no longer serve me and my "bigger" and "brighter" future. I imagined the worse and claimed to be shocked when it happened. Well I am seeing the need to run from that which is good because I fear messing it up or not being worthy of it. Recognition and changing the unwanted behavior was something I talked about but made minimal efforts to do it. Talk is cheap as they say. This next phase is gonna take effort, not struggle, but some much needed effort to rise above those fears that change can bring.

I am excited not for only my tomorrow, but for my Now. I am excited that Now is the time when I can create consciously my Life. Now is when I can speak my truth and allow it to blossom. Now is what I always avoided, but is where I always am. Now is beautiful, but I refused to look. Now I am ready...I used to say ready for whatever and I got whatever...literally...so I will say(and Be) I am ready for the best of things and the best of life. Yes

This song

Makes it all seem better...

Sometimes you just know...

The words don't come, and it doesn't always make sense...you just know...you can't explain it even to yourself, but you just know! You don't need to justify it to yourself or anyone else it just fits cause you know. You aren't concerned with what tomorrow will bring or anything else. The things that seemed important are now deemed insignificant because you just know. It works for you now cause you know. The knowing brings a smile to your face and eases the insecurities of yesterday. You know. You may wanna tell it, but it is best to just show it. You know, the truth works like that. The truth is that. I know and am ready to show...

Vision Quest

So I was gonna write about what I perceive as certain level of unhappiness in people. I've been working in the public customer service sector lately and have come across many different attitudes. As I sat down and started to type I realized I should not give it any more energy than the one sentence I have already given it. There are so many beautiful souls surrounding me that deserve so much more of my attention and energy. The the concept of life and the journey has been on my mind. The comparisons of life and a car ride if you will, focusing on what is in front of you and not what is behind you and keeping your eyes on where you want the car to go. In life (and sometimes in the car) I have focused on what is in the rear view and not what is in front of me. It's all about recognition and I am recognizing it is time to truly acknowledge the Beauty and Divinity that surrounds me. That is Me!

Instead of focusing on the negatives in the convention show I worked on I wanna talk about the cat David who always had a smile on his and kind word for everyone around him. He made the days absolutely hilarious. I wanna talk about Kit who is simply amazing and a joy to talk to every time we chat. Or Nicole whose undying support and comfort is invaluable and can't be put into words. Big Sis Jovida who has been my "protector" since day one. BGaff from BK who constantly challenges me compassionately to strive higher. The countless people who I have only dialogued with online whose creativity is a motivational as life long friends. These are just a few of the amazing souls who motivate and inspire me daily and more. I love my Life and the people in my Life. I am truly Blessed.

Family

"Family is a mixed blessing. You're glad to have one, but it's also like receiving a life sentence for a crime you didn't commit."

I've been reflecting a lot lately about my family. I have not been home in a bit, and I am starting to feel the void of not seeing them face to face. I appreciate the Cali fam I have here and they definitely add a real value to my life, but some times as Dorothy said, "there is no place like home." I've said before that I don't think I can live in Philly anymore, and I still feel that way. I also think that me not living there helps to make my visits special. We realize that we don't have a lot of "time", so we don't waste time arguing...or should I say arguing as much... Yeah definitely time to make a visit.

I come from a pretty big family. My mom was the youngest of 13 children, and most of them had multiple children and they had multiple children and so on. So the diverseness and uniqueness of my aunts, uncles and cousins is pretty fascinating. They range from ministers to hustlers and everything in between. The stories I have and the things I've learned are things for sitcom and drama all rapped up into one. The love I have for all of my family is not always easily put into words, but it is undeniable in my heart and soul. The love they have for me is equally undeniable even when it is not always spoken with words...Actions most times do speak louder than words...

Hodgepodge

"They say the goodness in life belongs to those who believe. So, I believe..." - Mos Def

Been having a lot on my mind today. Bouncing around thoughts, ideas, dreams and everything in between. Thought a lot about my family structure how we interact with each other, how I am distant from them and more importantly why. Been psyched about the next project I wanna shoot, and all kind of creative ideas that inspire me. Been pondering the notion of support and how we can support each other in our dreams for our lives. Social networking is cool, and facebook in particular has re-connected and connected me in ways that are beyond phenomenal. But in the same token it has allowed me to not pick up the phone, to not say hello, to not drive up to my friends house and just give them a hug and it has helped to build a greater distance between me and those I care about(of course the ultimate responsibility falls back on me). Nothing changes if nothing changes. So tomorrow I will begin to reach out to someone via phone. Anyone, I will pick up the phone and just say hello, how are you? Yadda Yadda Blah blah...

So as a child I cried a lot. I was told countless times that I was "over" or "too" emotional...especially for a boy...ya know? So started the drilling about manhood and all that crap... never really dug telling someone they are overly this or too that...who and what determines what is the proper amount of whatever. Anyway I digress, I've begun to tear down the walls of separation between me and my creativity, my compassion and my emotions. They are all interconnected. It is great to feel and share those feelings. Whining is something different though... Haha... Anywho, that was just some of what has been goings on in my head today. All in all it is and was a great day.

Laughter...

"Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine' never had gonorrhea"...My Name Is Earl

I love to laugh! I feel at my best when I have a smile on my face and laughter in my heart. I love when folks around me are laughing with me. Growing up I was a huge fan of Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby. I read Richard Pryor's autobiography a few years back and it is one of my favorite books of all time period. One of the things that really stood out to me when he said the world has enough to cry about and he wants to give them something to laugh about. That statement resonates with me. With so much anguish going on in the world to bring some hope through laughter and compassion is one of the purposes of my art. Mean Spirited "humor" never moves me. It is too easy, but to each their own. Ya know?

So yeah, I don't feel like I have been laughing as much as I would like as of late. Like belly aching, crying and snotting laughter. Been taking me more serious than I need to. I take the things I believe in seriously but I don't really like to take me seriously. I've done serious work and will continue to volunteer etc., but one of the things that I enjoy about the organizations I've been blessed to be a part of is their willingness to embrace humor in their daily work. Maybe it is what keeps them sane and going on...laughing to keep from crying. So yeah, it's time to implement more laughter back into my daily diet.

Saying Yes

So today I've been thinking about saying yes and what it is I am saying yes to. I am learning that the Universe responds to our proclaiming Yes to a certain situation or scenario, that we activate our fullest potential by saying Yes and being in agreement with and aligning our thoughts with our highest good. I get that. What came across me today is saying yes when it doesn't suit me. When I say yes because a little is better than none. I feel that I've on one or two occasions as of late said yes just to fill a void as opposed to really wanting or needing that particular thing in my Life. Today the question arose in my mind...Is saying Yes to that which doesn't serve me (and God) tantamount to saying No to my calling or whatever?

I believe having a little has enabled me to procrastinate from going for my Lot. Ya know? Because I have something to keep me occupied for the time being and it may not be bad at all, but it is not what or where I am supposed to be. I am impulsive and want to "succeed" so badly that I don't allow things to play out (I mentioned that before), and I sometimes forget to just breathe and pause before I move.

Honesty is the Best Policy

And it starts at home...Asking questions of mySelf to get to the place I want to be. Before I can speak the/my "truth" to anyone else I must know what it is to me. Define what makes me happy, sad, angry, ecstatic, moody, or whatever. Before I can articulate anything to anyone else I must have a firm understanding of that thing mySelf. Of course Life is an ever evolving process and that is when honesty is most necessary, because if and when I see the changes happening I can just simply be still and gain an understanding of it all(hopefully). Or at least be honest enough with mySelf to say I am confused in this moment and will get back to me when I have an answer...

A personal truth is that I am still resistant to relinquishing control, and just allowing Life to flow through me. I still want to know what the "end result" will be instead of just accepting It as is and enjoying the ride. My next step is simply being still and not stepping or trying, but just being still and allowing...moving out of my comfort zone, and trusting mySelf more and more...

...Consistancy

So Yeah... roommate starts fire on Thursday night as I mentioned before...right! no anger or frustration directed at him from anyone involved...Fast Forward Saturday... I have been crashing out over my buddy's crib because the smoke has been waay to powerful, but I come during the day to grab certain things and blah blah blah...yeah... so I see my roommate when I get here and he is like "um yeah...they won't be fixing the kitchen on Saturday because of the holiday. So annoying." So I just look at him and keep it moving, grab what I need and bounce out. Come by on Sunday and he has his date here as they get ready to go to the Golden Globes after party or whatever...cool... the smell is dying down, but I figure I will give it one more day then I'll come back. Sooooo yesterday I come home and he's here of course, and he again states that enough is enough they need to get over here and fix the kitchen (that he caused mind you) or he would be on the phone first thing in the morning. I kindly say something to the effect of whatever I said...it's not important, but then I am starting to get annoyed not that he started this but unwillingness to reciprocate the compassion and understanding that has gone out to him....

Then It dawned on me! I cannot stop being compassionate and forgiving to someone just because they do not APPEAR to appreciate it, or seem to be deserving. It has nothing to do with the other person at all...It is about the character that I choose to display and more importantly carry. I Am who God says I AM... continuing to live from the higher Self.

Expectations...Life

'I take care of my kids.' You supposed to you dumb mutha fucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that! 'I ain't never been to jail!'What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail you low expectation-having motherfucker!- Chris Rock


Maaaan....I've learned a lot about myself in the last few days. This post was started (in my mind) on Thursday... Thursday started with me about to pat myself on the back for doing some shit I should have done. That is what led me to the Chris Rock quote. I am supposed to be compassionate, I am supposed to be caring, I am supposed to Love unconditionally... So I came to this conclusion while at work Thursday evening.

Then Bam!

I get home on Thursday and I see a big truck outside of my apartment complex when I get home. It is bigger than a pick up truck but smaller than a UPS truck...hmmmm... as I drive by it I see Fire Dept. on the side, and I see a big pile of charred things next to it. I say to myself wow...someone's place could have caught on fire, I instantly say a quiet prayer for them. I see my roommates car parked near the rubble parked kind of awkward but his parking sucks anyway. I parked my car and I walked to my building and I realize that there was a fire and it was in my building. Then as I walk up the stairs...it was my apartment...I see my roommate and I ask what happened and he said it was in the kitchen and it was electrical...He gets another call at that moment from our building manager and it turns out that it was not electrical but that he left a pot on the stove...wow...he was extremely apologetic for the next 2 hours or so that we were sorting through things...then he turns and asks me if I was angry and he would understand if I was...and I can say today and then that not one ounce of anger was in my body...none...no resentment, no frustration nothing but compassion...


At some point it dawned on me, I am the man I've always wanted to be. The compassion, the caring, the spirituality it is me already. I just chose to not look that, but focus on my faults. Our truest character arises when times of hardship and when everything may not be all roses...We practice that for times like this. My Life is Blessed. I have amazing people and things in my Life, and God has Blessed me with endless talents and gifts. I shouldn't expect mediocrity out of myself. My expectations of mySelf should be high. To whom much is given much is expected. I expecting and delivering much of mySelf. And So It Is.

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The End!

I Am An Artist!

So today strangely enough I thought of this movie Trial and Error with Michael Richard(Kramer) and Jeff Daniels. It was a cute romantic comedy about an actor posing as a trial lawyer...yack yack yack...anywho, towards the end of the movie Michael Richards made the declaration that he is an actor...whether he was "only" auditioning or taking a class or doing a showcase he was an actor. It was a pretty fly moment in the movie for me. To make a declaration about who you are for the world to see, not that is has to be about the world of course, but it adds a certain self accountability to the mix. It also gets the Universe moving in your direction. You have placed the order and now the "meal" can come. I am an artist!

There was another diatribe about to surface but really it would only belabor the most important point I Am An Artist. Nothing else needs to be said.

Um...Faith? Love?

I just returned from a good friend of mines wedding reception, and it was an amazingly beautiful affair. I truly felt the love that they have for each other and was equally blessed to be apart of the the festivities. I enjoy watching couples celebrate their love for one another and the different ways that it manifests itself in their relationships. I am always eager to hear the stories of how people met and when how they came to that place of Loving each other and knowing they had met "The One"...The only common thread is that there is no common thread. Some stories are filled with highs and lows that would make for the dopest Hollywood film and other are very methodical and planned out but just as beautiful as the next.

This wedding was different for me because I didn't wonder when my turn would come, but I just enjoyed the moment for them and with them. For so long relationships have been my Achilles Heel (one of the two...ha)! I truly over thought things when it came to them and would break out or do some crazy shit to sabotage the relationship. Recently I have had different revelations about myself and my capacity to truly give of myself. I've stopped the blame game and am stopping throwing myself pity parties...In my mind I reeked of desperation, and was ready to make some unwise choices because of that. As I delve deeper into my spiritual practices things are starting to make sense to me...Everything is interconnected...Faith in finances will give me faith in Love and vice versa...Faith is faith...period...I have it and trust in God to provide what is needed when it is needed...In every area...No need to force it...It is happening...