Family

"Family is a mixed blessing. You're glad to have one, but it's also like receiving a life sentence for a crime you didn't commit."

I've been reflecting a lot lately about my family. I have not been home in a bit, and I am starting to feel the void of not seeing them face to face. I appreciate the Cali fam I have here and they definitely add a real value to my life, but some times as Dorothy said, "there is no place like home." I've said before that I don't think I can live in Philly anymore, and I still feel that way. I also think that me not living there helps to make my visits special. We realize that we don't have a lot of "time", so we don't waste time arguing...or should I say arguing as much... Yeah definitely time to make a visit.

I come from a pretty big family. My mom was the youngest of 13 children, and most of them had multiple children and they had multiple children and so on. So the diverseness and uniqueness of my aunts, uncles and cousins is pretty fascinating. They range from ministers to hustlers and everything in between. The stories I have and the things I've learned are things for sitcom and drama all rapped up into one. The love I have for all of my family is not always easily put into words, but it is undeniable in my heart and soul. The love they have for me is equally undeniable even when it is not always spoken with words...Actions most times do speak louder than words...

Hodgepodge

"They say the goodness in life belongs to those who believe. So, I believe..." - Mos Def

Been having a lot on my mind today. Bouncing around thoughts, ideas, dreams and everything in between. Thought a lot about my family structure how we interact with each other, how I am distant from them and more importantly why. Been psyched about the next project I wanna shoot, and all kind of creative ideas that inspire me. Been pondering the notion of support and how we can support each other in our dreams for our lives. Social networking is cool, and facebook in particular has re-connected and connected me in ways that are beyond phenomenal. But in the same token it has allowed me to not pick up the phone, to not say hello, to not drive up to my friends house and just give them a hug and it has helped to build a greater distance between me and those I care about(of course the ultimate responsibility falls back on me). Nothing changes if nothing changes. So tomorrow I will begin to reach out to someone via phone. Anyone, I will pick up the phone and just say hello, how are you? Yadda Yadda Blah blah...

So as a child I cried a lot. I was told countless times that I was "over" or "too" emotional...especially for a boy...ya know? So started the drilling about manhood and all that crap... never really dug telling someone they are overly this or too that...who and what determines what is the proper amount of whatever. Anyway I digress, I've begun to tear down the walls of separation between me and my creativity, my compassion and my emotions. They are all interconnected. It is great to feel and share those feelings. Whining is something different though... Haha... Anywho, that was just some of what has been goings on in my head today. All in all it is and was a great day.

Laughter...

"Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine' never had gonorrhea"...My Name Is Earl

I love to laugh! I feel at my best when I have a smile on my face and laughter in my heart. I love when folks around me are laughing with me. Growing up I was a huge fan of Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby. I read Richard Pryor's autobiography a few years back and it is one of my favorite books of all time period. One of the things that really stood out to me when he said the world has enough to cry about and he wants to give them something to laugh about. That statement resonates with me. With so much anguish going on in the world to bring some hope through laughter and compassion is one of the purposes of my art. Mean Spirited "humor" never moves me. It is too easy, but to each their own. Ya know?

So yeah, I don't feel like I have been laughing as much as I would like as of late. Like belly aching, crying and snotting laughter. Been taking me more serious than I need to. I take the things I believe in seriously but I don't really like to take me seriously. I've done serious work and will continue to volunteer etc., but one of the things that I enjoy about the organizations I've been blessed to be a part of is their willingness to embrace humor in their daily work. Maybe it is what keeps them sane and going on...laughing to keep from crying. So yeah, it's time to implement more laughter back into my daily diet.

Saying Yes

So today I've been thinking about saying yes and what it is I am saying yes to. I am learning that the Universe responds to our proclaiming Yes to a certain situation or scenario, that we activate our fullest potential by saying Yes and being in agreement with and aligning our thoughts with our highest good. I get that. What came across me today is saying yes when it doesn't suit me. When I say yes because a little is better than none. I feel that I've on one or two occasions as of late said yes just to fill a void as opposed to really wanting or needing that particular thing in my Life. Today the question arose in my mind...Is saying Yes to that which doesn't serve me (and God) tantamount to saying No to my calling or whatever?

I believe having a little has enabled me to procrastinate from going for my Lot. Ya know? Because I have something to keep me occupied for the time being and it may not be bad at all, but it is not what or where I am supposed to be. I am impulsive and want to "succeed" so badly that I don't allow things to play out (I mentioned that before), and I sometimes forget to just breathe and pause before I move.

Honesty is the Best Policy

And it starts at home...Asking questions of mySelf to get to the place I want to be. Before I can speak the/my "truth" to anyone else I must know what it is to me. Define what makes me happy, sad, angry, ecstatic, moody, or whatever. Before I can articulate anything to anyone else I must have a firm understanding of that thing mySelf. Of course Life is an ever evolving process and that is when honesty is most necessary, because if and when I see the changes happening I can just simply be still and gain an understanding of it all(hopefully). Or at least be honest enough with mySelf to say I am confused in this moment and will get back to me when I have an answer...

A personal truth is that I am still resistant to relinquishing control, and just allowing Life to flow through me. I still want to know what the "end result" will be instead of just accepting It as is and enjoying the ride. My next step is simply being still and not stepping or trying, but just being still and allowing...moving out of my comfort zone, and trusting mySelf more and more...

...Consistancy

So Yeah... roommate starts fire on Thursday night as I mentioned before...right! no anger or frustration directed at him from anyone involved...Fast Forward Saturday... I have been crashing out over my buddy's crib because the smoke has been waay to powerful, but I come during the day to grab certain things and blah blah blah...yeah... so I see my roommate when I get here and he is like "um yeah...they won't be fixing the kitchen on Saturday because of the holiday. So annoying." So I just look at him and keep it moving, grab what I need and bounce out. Come by on Sunday and he has his date here as they get ready to go to the Golden Globes after party or whatever...cool... the smell is dying down, but I figure I will give it one more day then I'll come back. Sooooo yesterday I come home and he's here of course, and he again states that enough is enough they need to get over here and fix the kitchen (that he caused mind you) or he would be on the phone first thing in the morning. I kindly say something to the effect of whatever I said...it's not important, but then I am starting to get annoyed not that he started this but unwillingness to reciprocate the compassion and understanding that has gone out to him....

Then It dawned on me! I cannot stop being compassionate and forgiving to someone just because they do not APPEAR to appreciate it, or seem to be deserving. It has nothing to do with the other person at all...It is about the character that I choose to display and more importantly carry. I Am who God says I AM... continuing to live from the higher Self.

Expectations...Life

'I take care of my kids.' You supposed to you dumb mutha fucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that! 'I ain't never been to jail!'What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail you low expectation-having motherfucker!- Chris Rock


Maaaan....I've learned a lot about myself in the last few days. This post was started (in my mind) on Thursday... Thursday started with me about to pat myself on the back for doing some shit I should have done. That is what led me to the Chris Rock quote. I am supposed to be compassionate, I am supposed to be caring, I am supposed to Love unconditionally... So I came to this conclusion while at work Thursday evening.

Then Bam!

I get home on Thursday and I see a big truck outside of my apartment complex when I get home. It is bigger than a pick up truck but smaller than a UPS truck...hmmmm... as I drive by it I see Fire Dept. on the side, and I see a big pile of charred things next to it. I say to myself wow...someone's place could have caught on fire, I instantly say a quiet prayer for them. I see my roommates car parked near the rubble parked kind of awkward but his parking sucks anyway. I parked my car and I walked to my building and I realize that there was a fire and it was in my building. Then as I walk up the stairs...it was my apartment...I see my roommate and I ask what happened and he said it was in the kitchen and it was electrical...He gets another call at that moment from our building manager and it turns out that it was not electrical but that he left a pot on the stove...wow...he was extremely apologetic for the next 2 hours or so that we were sorting through things...then he turns and asks me if I was angry and he would understand if I was...and I can say today and then that not one ounce of anger was in my body...none...no resentment, no frustration nothing but compassion...


At some point it dawned on me, I am the man I've always wanted to be. The compassion, the caring, the spirituality it is me already. I just chose to not look that, but focus on my faults. Our truest character arises when times of hardship and when everything may not be all roses...We practice that for times like this. My Life is Blessed. I have amazing people and things in my Life, and God has Blessed me with endless talents and gifts. I shouldn't expect mediocrity out of myself. My expectations of mySelf should be high. To whom much is given much is expected. I expecting and delivering much of mySelf. And So It Is.

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The End!

I Am An Artist!

So today strangely enough I thought of this movie Trial and Error with Michael Richard(Kramer) and Jeff Daniels. It was a cute romantic comedy about an actor posing as a trial lawyer...yack yack yack...anywho, towards the end of the movie Michael Richards made the declaration that he is an actor...whether he was "only" auditioning or taking a class or doing a showcase he was an actor. It was a pretty fly moment in the movie for me. To make a declaration about who you are for the world to see, not that is has to be about the world of course, but it adds a certain self accountability to the mix. It also gets the Universe moving in your direction. You have placed the order and now the "meal" can come. I am an artist!

There was another diatribe about to surface but really it would only belabor the most important point I Am An Artist. Nothing else needs to be said.

Um...Faith? Love?

I just returned from a good friend of mines wedding reception, and it was an amazingly beautiful affair. I truly felt the love that they have for each other and was equally blessed to be apart of the the festivities. I enjoy watching couples celebrate their love for one another and the different ways that it manifests itself in their relationships. I am always eager to hear the stories of how people met and when how they came to that place of Loving each other and knowing they had met "The One"...The only common thread is that there is no common thread. Some stories are filled with highs and lows that would make for the dopest Hollywood film and other are very methodical and planned out but just as beautiful as the next.

This wedding was different for me because I didn't wonder when my turn would come, but I just enjoyed the moment for them and with them. For so long relationships have been my Achilles Heel (one of the two...ha)! I truly over thought things when it came to them and would break out or do some crazy shit to sabotage the relationship. Recently I have had different revelations about myself and my capacity to truly give of myself. I've stopped the blame game and am stopping throwing myself pity parties...In my mind I reeked of desperation, and was ready to make some unwise choices because of that. As I delve deeper into my spiritual practices things are starting to make sense to me...Everything is interconnected...Faith in finances will give me faith in Love and vice versa...Faith is faith...period...I have it and trust in God to provide what is needed when it is needed...In every area...No need to force it...It is happening...

End of the year

I'm usually not a person who makes a big deal out of a new year. Mainly because I generally have broken my "resolutions" almost immediately. Anywho, this year feels different for some reason. As I approach 2010 I am feeling anxious about it... not necessarily good or bad but anxious about what the new year has in store for me. I am ready to build on the momentum I am feeling surrounding Casual Friday and a few other projects that are percolating. Being still right now is of the utmost importance, but that can sometimes be a challenge for me. My mind wanders rapidly and often, but being still and listening are high priorities for me.

Oh well...when I sat down I thought I had a lot to write about but I guess not...maybe tomorrow...

Medicine for Melancholy

This is one of my favorite films of 2009. It reminds me of what I enjoy the most about art. The ability to dream and create something amazing, while hopefully taking the viewer or listener on a journey with you. Great art allows us to escape for that time into a different world so to speak. This is what inspires me as an artist. Knowing that we have so much creative power at our disposal invigorates me, and it ain't even about money(budget). It is about vision and passion. Love! Loving what we do at the core of who we are. Being willing to express that truth in that moment at that time....yeah man... definitely good shit.

Detox 2.0

So lately I've been asking myself what am I consuming on a daily basis... Not so much physically (although I could definitely use some improvement there as well), but mentally what is my daily intake. Am I filling my thoughts with useless information or am I taking in things that will enhance my way of Life? Am I being sucked into the daily media scrutiny of info that has no bearing on my existence or am I using my time to create the Life I have always envisioned for myself? As I sat back pondering these things after being inundated with inquiries about how I felt about Tiger Woods and watching how that (his infidelity) got and gets more coverage than the troop increase or the new developments in health care... I realized that there is a clear imbalance in what information I am taking in on a daily basis. I started to make leeway in changing what I was consuming and when. I didn't cut on my computer first thing in the morning. I would read spiritual passages and got deeper into my affirmations and prayers, but I realized that soon as that was done I was right back on Facebook or wherever reading (through status updates) things that had little or no relevance in the way I need and want to live my Life. So I chose to take a break from cyberworld (save for blogging and a few websites that I have found useful)...

I have done the master cleanse quite a few times and have found the results by enlarge to be helpful, so I am figuring why not do the same mentally! Why not limit the times I am on the computer "social networking" and actually use that time to finish the slew of unfinished projects that await my time and energy? Why not cleanse my mind of the clutter that has accumulated over the past few months? There is so much that I want to and need to put into my journals, so many things I have wanted to say to me (yeah I talk to mySelf) but have been to preoccupied to say!

I was gonna say that I look forward to getting back on Facebook and reconnecting with old friends and for networking purposes, but I don't know if I do! I mean it is really great connecting with folks and all that, and it is useful for staying in touch with family; but is it really something I look forward to? Hmmm... I won't front like I won't reactivate my account, but the last 3 days have been really good for me. What I really look forward to is continuing the journey of creative expression that has been formulating and manifesting ItSelf in my Life over the last few days.

Nothing To Prove

So yeah...I am rethinking a lot of things that I am doing in my Life. It dawned on me that I am doing some things to prove that I am a "good" guy and not necessarily out of enjoyment. I feel that if I say no I will disappoint them and they will not look at me the same. So I get caught up in this merry go round of things I am not really interested in doing, but I do not have it in me to just say not this time, maybe later or even no. I have to appreciate and accept my goodness and not overwhelm myself just to make others happy and to reinforce my good nature with them. My goodness (or whatever you wanna call it) is not a case by case temporary thing, nor is it up for others to judge.

Sometimes I really don't know how to end these post...part of me wants to end on some ole flowers and licorice type stuff, and the other part of me is like you whatever...write what you feel and move on...it is all good...light at the end of the tunnel and all that there...although I do understand and accept the importance of affirming the life I "seek" and not dwelling in the negative space...every once in a while gotta let that frustration out...

The Worst Vice

How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:4

I believed for a while that is easier (at least it appears to be) to correct a flaw in someone else than it is to work on ourselves. There is very little immediate outward glory if we correct our own mistakes, no one besides ourselves to say thank you. There is not pat on the back or someone to tell you how great you are. Just you digging deep within yourself to improve you, and it is difficult to admit the things that make us the most comfortable may be the things we need to rid ourselves of. It is challenging but necessary and very rewarding.

Over the last few months I've seen people reach out for assistance in their personal development only to have the person they are confiding in pile it on more. I do not believe it was malicious in intent, but in the same vein it was counter productive for both parties. I believe that when someone reaches out for "advice" on a matter it is also an opportunity for us as the giver to grow as well. We have in that moment a chance to look within us and seek that compassion we would seek and give from there. Compassion instead of correction, because even if the advice we give has worked for us in the past does not mean it will be the best route for that other person to take.
Listening is the best remedy for any ailment. Without judgment and with out ego. That is how we truly help.

Enough To Go Around

Little know fact about me...I can be competitive to a fault. I want to be THE ONE...whatever that means at a certain time...I wanna be "on top"...I realized this a few years back and pretty much had it in check. I was and am willing to celebrate the achievements and goals of my friends. I definitely wanted (and want) to see friends (non friends too) do well, but that part of me would keep rearing its head. What about me? When I'm gonna get mine? Etc. yadda yadda... anywho... I've started to wonder why that really was and is. Why do I feel the need to compete directly or indirectly? It could be that I am focusing so much time and energy on what I don't have (or think that I don't have) that what others seem to have is more appealing to me. The grass appears to be greener on the other side.

Consciously I am very happy when friends (I get it really bad if I'm just alright with you) book a gig, get engaged a better job or whatever, and it is not as if I want them to not have IT. I just want mine as well...ha... Just maybe a little different to suite my personal goals and ambitions.

But yeah...

I was gonna write some ole cool Sh*t to not make myself bad about having a case of the envies, but it is what it is ya know... I had it recognized it as a feeling that didn't sit well with me, so I got it off my chest and am moving on. No after school specials over here. Every once in awhile I get so consumed about how I appear to others that I just forget about just being me.
Yeah...

Procrastination

"Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses." - George Washington Carver

Yeah so I been medicating myself with TV for the last week or two, kind of procrastinating on the editing of Casual Friday. I know I'll get to it and soon, but then the what ifs keeps popping into my head. What if it isn't the film I wanted to make? What if it sucks? What if? What if? What if? Now deep down I don't believe it will suck or any of the other what ifs, but they can still make you pause. When I sought out advice I went to folks who would feed my fears...Yeah...even though I know better I don't always do better... So now I am back on track...not gonna say I ain't nervous about it, but I ain't letting it slow my roll...

The last few months have been a real experience the things I've feared most have been manifesting them into my Life. It ain't about blame it's about change(improving). Changing my habits and thoughts. Being more consistent and holding mySelf accountable to me...right...A part of me still seeks approval from outside sources to validate my gifts and talents...Yeah...recognition is important and now I will let it go and get my focus back on where I am going...

Trust. Love. Faith.

The Isolationist

I noticed this morning that I was doing it again. I was putting up my emotional force field again. I was protecting myself from what I deem the inevitable and throwing up false alerts to warn me of imminent danger. I realize it is all in my mind and an excuse I have relied on all to often.

My isolation are rarely of the physical kind(well maybe they are) but more on the emotional nature. I am there in physical form but not nearly like I should be to receive the very thing that I am blocking myself from.

I hide behind the belief system that was instilled in me long ago...things like you can't have it all and it'll never last or it is too good to be true. Now that I know differently I have to respond differently. Act(believe) accordingly for my desired results to be revealed.

Yeah...

So what I am saying is I need to be open to experience multiple forms of blessings simultaneously if you will. My creative pursuits don't have to stagnate my personal pursuits and vice versa... I keep putting an either or ultimatum on myself when it is more than possible for it all to coexist and be beautiful and readily available. While doing away with the empty calorie way of living. Doing a lot just to say I am but not showing or feeling anything internally for my efforts.

The beauty in all this is recognition. Now that I recognize what is happening I can change it, improve it or whatever is necessary.

Flowing

I woke up this morning with an urge to write something...just and urge to vent or flow, but to let something out. I do not know really what to say...honestly...not like I don't have a plethora of topics I could write about...yeah...hmmm...even within all the good I continue to sometime allow my focus to wander away from the things that make me feel good...no feel alive...I get caught in the muddle of what could be "better" and all that jazz, even though I know I am where I am supposed to be doing what I love to do...creating...

Freedom has been a big thing for me...freedom to do what I want, when I want. I was told that with freedom comes responsibility and that even with freedom comes a discipline necessary...I see that now freedom is not merely about a physical thing(like work etc.) but a much greater form of existence...it is knowing when to make a choice and why you are making that choice...and how to choose. Yeah...

I am excited to be wrapping up Casual Friday this weekend. It is the perfect length for my first time directing and I am excited to get it edited, but more importantly I am enjoying the journey. I am enjoying the "potholes" that came along the path and I am enjoying the people who have lent themselves to the project. Directly or indirectly. Listening to me cry when I thought it would not be made...or laughing with me when I would think of a new line to put in there. I am grateful.

Creating Something

So, I got up this morning and went hiking for the first time in a long while, and it felt pretty good. Good to get the body in motion first thing in the morning, and more importantly it was very good to get thoughts and ideas percolating. Yeah, I am not one to give myself credit for much that I do most of the time I feel like I am just doing what is required of me and am not doing anything special per se. But finishing up my first shoot day of Casual Friday was clearly motivating for me. I got through it, and it felt amazing. To be directing a set of more than one or two people simply felt very natural for me. I knew that I belonged! I learned a lot, but I also recognize that I have so much more to learn about the process.

I have tended to shy away from the technical aspects of being an artist. Putting more of an emphasis on feeling and instinct and all of that, but this man there is so much technical stuff that also goes into lighting and sound that I have to learn and I am not willing to shy away from that. I am embracing this part because I need my films to be good. To look good. To sound good. To be great even. I want the audience to have an experience that is beyond enjoyable so I have to enjoy making, and I did. I am excited for my next shoot date this Sunday. I am excited to get to editing it. I am invigorated by the whole process. It is moving me in unspeakable ways. I still love the other art forms that have gotten me to this place today and I will continue to pursue them passionately but this right here may just be the One.