Games People Play

Yesterday I had a conversation via Twitter with my cousin regarding an article I read on Philly.com about a Philadelphia based Reverend who was dis-invited from speaking at Morehouse commencement ceremony for an article he had written in a news paper being critical of President Obama. The article (I will attach a copy) questioned the amount of Black people in his cabinet as well as his lack of addressing Black issues during his Presidency. Of course the article drew a wide range of reactions from various people. A lot of people defended the President and some sided with the Minister. I was curious as to how my cousin felt about this, since he lives in Philly and has a closer pulse of what is going on the city than I do. I visit Philly but haven't really lived there in years. Anyway, he didn't disagree with the main points in the article he just disagreed with the timing of the article. He felt that the minister had his own agenda and wasn't playing the political game correctly. I don't like to really go deep on Twitter because a conversation can fill up a whole TL is you're not careful, but we went back and forth not really disagreeing in substance but really on the timing issue in the article.

For the record I don't agree with the Morehouse decision, even though they claim that the article was not the reason for the change. I felt their timing was off and it does not encourage critical thinking in a society that becoming more and more devoid of critical free-thinkers. Basically it is censorship of those we disagree with. Now to be open about it, it is often pointed out that I am not a "supporter" of the President which is true, but I don't support too many politicians on either side of the "aisle". I have been a staunch proponent of a 3 (4 or 5) party system for roughly 20 years now. We need more options... Better choices... Too many people in this current system go under on unserved and many of them are Black and/or poor. This system has not addressed poverty, failing education or unemployment in a substantive way. Yet Black people support the Democratic portion of this system anywhere from 85 to 95% per any given election, but the return on investment doesn't match the effort put out to get them elected. Honestly it is more aggravating at this point because it is clear that things won't change as long as we keep doing the status quo, and keep using the lame argument that they are better than Republicans for "us". Being better than something that is bad doesn't make it good for anyone. We are stagnant, complacent and comfortable in a situation where should not be any of those. We can do better.

The argument that also annoys me is when I hear folks talking about the political game that needs to be played. Well it is not a game when children go to bed hungry, when the people cannot get proper medical attention because even under the new medical reforms they can't afford it. It is not a game in Chicago (or other major cities) where the crime rate is sky rocketing on  weekly basis, and the high school dropout rate is soaring as well. It is not a game for those who have to give up their homes and cars because they can't find a job. Life is not a game for most people, or at least not a game they feel they can win. We can do better. We have to ask more questions about why the resources don't trickle down in a political system that is supposed to spread the wealth. The dream is too often deferred for many. If this was a game the clock is running out on way too many of us. It is time to move beyond symbolism, we need tangible improvement not simply change. We need better! We need to do it now!

http://www.phillytrib.com/newsarticles/item/8637-a-president-for-everyone,-except-black-people.html

http://www.philly.com/philly/education/20130427_Group__College_disinvites_Phila__pastor_who_criticzed_Obama.html

An oversimplification...

Random thoughts....

The film....

The Video...Pharcyde Runnin'

Preying On The Vulnerable

A little post about questioning thing, and folks who prey on our vulnerabilities...

Searching

Searching for something that doesn't exist
In a clinched fist
Or open hand
Love on Demand
Temporary Rental
Serene yet temperamental

T
O

B
E

C
O
N
T
I
N
U
E
D
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Central Park 5

A last minute post on my thoughts about the Central Park 5, and my own personal experience.

Peace,
MAB

Creative Something

So in this vid, I am really just free-styling about the creative space I am in. Yeah.

Peace,
MAB

The End Of Eating Everything

I love the trailer for this film. The visuals are crazy. I will be posting more things the creatively inspire me too.

Peace,
MAB

Compassion and Courage...Courage and Compassion

In this vid I kind of talk about Jackie Robinson's indirect impact on me, and a little bit about having compassion in the wake of disaster.

Peace,
MAB

Love IS In Need of Love

Make It Plain

Back in the Day one of the churches I used to go, a Deacon would always shout "make it plain" as the Pastor was preaching.

I get it now...

I thought I got it then...

Make it Plain!

Yes!

Like Father Like Son

Last Thursday my Pop was in a car accident. It was a 5 car collision and the person who rear ended him was either texting or something but she didn't break and that led him to hit the car in front of him and so forth and so on. The lady who hit him, her car flipped twice. I am thankful that he is okay (and the driver of the other cars as well), he is a little sore, but he is doing well otherwise. I went to Philly to check on him this weekend. I took him grocery shopping and just spent a few hours with him. I'm realizing as we grow older tomorrow is not promised and we have to cherish each moment. I was planning to go down that way this weekend (Philly/South Jersey) to see my niece off to her junior prom (she looked beautiful) so I decided to extend my stay and check in on him and my aunt as well. Even though I am very much a loner and love my me time, my family is very important to me. Sometimes I get so rapped up in my own world of activities that I forget to check in and simply say I love you. I take for granted that they know this but it is always nice to hear....

So yeah, while hanging with my Pops I just listened and I really noticed that we do have a lot of similarities in the way we think. On top of having similar mannerism as well. My mother always told me I walked with my Pop. This is peculiar to me, because I was not raised by my father; actually we had very little contact until my early 20s. Our relationship has been an exercise in forgiveness on probably both behalf's because I was passive aggressive and held a grudge longer than I needed to. He constantly reminds me to let go of yesterday and live in the moment. Build on the good things that happen and let go of the negative things. He has said this to me for 20 years now, but my bitterness didn't let me hear it for half of those years. I need to grow up, be a man a learn to forgive. I have and I am a better man for it.

Bottom line is, I am my father's son. I am of course paving my own way through life and am learning as I go along. He told me years ago he won't give me advice unless I ask because they are my choices and I have to live them and then he said..."plus you gonna do what you want to do anyway." I appreciate that, he supports me in what I do and doesn't dwell on the choices I make that may not turn out as I hoped. It is my turn to continue to accept him as he is, which in the overall scheme of things is pretty darn good. Funny, I feel like a kid when I am around him now, even though he never treats me like one. Just a thought popped into my head. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for him as a man and as my father, and I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to spend this time with him. So many cats never get that opportunity, so no more whining about what wasn't. It is about the present moment. 

Side note on the end of this...
I was impressed that when we went shopping he bought healthy things read the labels for sodium content, and stayed away from red meat and pork. He has hypertension, so it is good to know he is watching what he eats.

Resistance is Futile

I woke up this morning (duh) and as I was going about my morning rituals I felt some resistance to thoughts I was having. Didn't know why I was resisting this particular idea but I was. Anyway it got me to contemplating some things...

Peace,
MAB

Revealing Oneself

So yesterday I had my first date since I've been back to NYC. There was the usual (well for me at least)  nervous jitters type of thing happening. Will I make a good impression? Does my breath stink? Why did I forget to put on deodorant? You know the mind races all over the place. My mind naturally races and wanders and creates scenarios that are sometimes productive but can also be a distraction for me. We went to see the Basquiat exhibit at the Gagosian art gallery; yesterday was the last day and I wanted to see it one last time before it left. Then we went to Williamsburg for Thai food after walking around Manhattan a little bit. The conversation flowed pretty easily. It was good to be on a date with a woman who is extremely interesting, funny, beautiful and intelligent. The whole situation was very comfortable. Even the moments of silence were not awkward.

Anyway, when I initially met her there was definitely an attraction there, but my inner 7th grader came back and the words just didn't seem to flow right at first. I stumbled about trying to express myself. The thing that I noticed immediately was that she was assertive without being pushy or aggressive. It was a confidence about her, and that confidence was still evident on our date. During the course of our date I felt the urge to just let it all out. There was an honesty about her that helped me put my guard down. I am notoriously guarded about sharing my feelings. Add that to my commitment issues, and that more explains my singleness. Ok, I digressed and threw in a sympathy moment. Yeah, her energy was dope, and even on the areas which didn't seem to immediately compatible there was openness to the discussion that didn't make it seem that much of an issue after all.

Sometimes we meet people whose mere presence helps us to feel at ease. Their energy and warmth create a space that is conducive to sharing. The thing is if they are sincere they may not recognize that they have that type power. She has it, and if she knows it she does't let on. The thing is I'm enjoying the moment and not looking  to far into the future and setting expectations based on some fantasy of how shit should be, but allowing it to just be. Which is how life should be in all of our relationships and experiences. Not that we go tell everything to everyone, but when we find that space where we can be vulnerable and open...do it. If you don't find a person then blog, journal or whatever. Create a space that you can just be so when you find a person who opens up your soul you don't feel like you are burdening them with your life story.

Peace,
MAB

Short Attention Span

I have one!
That is all!
The End!

Labels And The Ties That Bind

This  one is about labeling and how labeling can be counterproductive to truth. I've eschewed labeling myself in the past because often times we are caught defending that label and what it means as opposed to finding the truth in the situation. Anyway, just some thoughts on the matter.

Peace,
MAB

Do Something

This Journey

I've been thinking a lot lately about this journey, my journey, this Life, my Life. After my friend took his life, a feeling of mortality really hit me. Life is short and precious...Our time is valuable, or should be at least. We matter to someone somewhere out there. Even if we may not see it or believe it. So many times many of us go through life not knowing we are loved simply because. True love requires no return investment (although it would be nice). People may love us from afar or via a casual encounter somewhere, and something about us touched a place in their heart. The way we smiled or held open a door for someone and let them pass first. The slightest gesture can inspire feelings of love from another. I am speaking on that intangible love, by the way, not the Hollywood romance type of thing. 

Anyway, I began this blog a while ago to track the changes in my life. To share my experiences as I change my thought to change my life. Looking back on it now it was kind of vague because change could mean anything. I wasn't as clear then in my own mind as to what it is I wanted or was seeking. Ask and It is Given, but what am I asking for? At the time I may have been clear but through evolution, space and time we realize that life is so much more than just what we previously experienced. Yeah, so I was starting this blog because I was unhappy, dissatisfied or eager for something new in my Life. Chances are it was surrounding money since I always seemed to be unhappy financially, but I digress. So again the question arose in me today, why am I doing this? What is it that, before I physically leave this planet, would leave me totally fulfilled? 

As a child 3 things that people said about me resonate the most. I was sensitive (a cry-baby/mommy's boy), funny and had a vivid imagination. Although Moms is not here to a certain extent all 3 are still very true. They've been my foundation and the thing I retreat to when I need a release from the real world. I've added other dimensions to my personality but at my core these are the elements I've carried with me the longest. They've sustained me... I hide the sensitivity part because... well I just did.  Lately though with so much turmoil in the world, it has been more difficult to just tuck it away. So I use a pen, pad and camera to work through it. The thing that I am working on is "worrying" about how it will be received, and simply letting it Be. 

MAB

Pieces Of A Man
Gil Scott-Heron

Diplomacy

I see both sides

Both are right

Both are wrong

Neither will listen

We all suffer...

Hidden

I hide behind Jokes and Fairy-tales
Hiding the sensitive parts of me
Head in the sand
Emotionally uncommitted
Wanting the very thing I fear
Fearing the happiness it will bring
Retreating into safety's layers
Leaving it for tomorrow
Unresolved
Tucked away
Hidden

Let's Be Social

So yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine about a myriad of things as we usually do, and the topic of R&B singers came up. He said that there weren't as many good "singers" today as it was in our day (I know we sound like our elders before us but hey). As the conversation went on I realized that part of the issue may be social networking and how entertainment is disseminated  to the public. My point was and is that now people don't really have a focus on live shows, because even the live show are digitized and auto-tuned. Anyway, this is not an indictment of any sort just a recognition if you will of some differences.  

The Voice

This blog is about using our voice and not being afraid of being redundant when speaking your voice even if that point has been hammered home by others. We need more voices and more variety in those voices when speaking on issues that matter. Sometimes we may be alone in speaking our mind and that is really when you need to raise your voice whether in speech or action. 

Peace,
MAB

The Light

In our own unique way, I believe each of us are seeking The Light. Whether it be the Light at the end of the tunnel or a light within ourselves that lets us know everything will be okay. We want it and we need it, but we've managed to somehow let that light dim or believe that it is too far away to see and achieve so we've given up. I know on many occasions I've wanted to pack it in and call it a day, but that voice on the inside keeps me searching and seeking that Light! It is not always literal giving up, but many of us wake up every day defeated and resigned to our previous days fate unwilling or unable to see something new and refreshing in this day. 

I watched PBS NewsHour last night and it is by far a better news source than anything else out there. I didn't feel manipulated, frightened or worried about my Life while watching it. It was literally just reporting followed by a couple of feel good worthy stories at the end. It had me thinking about other "news" sources and how their quest for ratings has taken the focus away from true journalism into a type of variety show. It dims our Light. It has us fearing the invisible that may or may not ever happen. It doesn't teach us to search for the answers and seek out our Light. It doesn't inform us on how we as a nation and as a people can be of service to others and a healing Light to the world. It leaves us empty, it is calories without substance.

My Light gets dimmed every once in a while! I begin to focus on the things that aren't going right or going the way that I may have wanted them to go, and lose sight of the bigger picture in and for my Life. I intended to write a scathing blog today on people's (via the media)  laziness and all that, but in the end it is better to shine a Light than curse the darkness as they say. Go outside today, this morning even and as Richard Pryor said in his autobiography, "let a little sun hit your face." 

Peace & Love,
MAB

The Pressure

When I am in this creative state that I'm in right now I put a lot pressure on myself to get IT done right now. I get restless,  impatient and annoyed easily. It feels like the world is passing me by and I'm completely worthless because the project(s) aren't done. Completely irrational I know, but that is what's happening right about now. These are the times when I really need to slow down and say everything is okay, this process takes time and you are not on anyone else's schedule. Relax and have fun which is why I started this in the beginning.

Desperation can breed irrational behavior and inappropriate choices. It doesn't allow us to act wisely or take the time to sit back and think things through. What I noticed over the last couple of weeks is that putting pressure on myself has led to an unnecessary sense of desperation and is leading me to go back and straighten out some wrongs that could've been right if I had just chilled out and let it be.

Anywho, we live and learn. Or as my Pop likes to say, "If yesterday was a good day build on it, if not let it go." Thanks Pop! I'm letting it go and moving onward. No more Pressure

Pic by www.musicstack.com
Song- A Tribe Called Quest-The Pressure

Overwhelming/Finding my space

With the proliferation of media outlets feeding our brains with fear based reporting, it is imperative for those of us who still want to remain active in the process to find time and a space to unwind and rejuvenate our mind, body and soul.

 

Why are ye so fearful?

"And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?" 
Mark 4:40

Let me first that I picked that version of the parable because it is from the book of Mark. Kidding. Kind of. Anyway, as I was going through my twitter feed today checking out tweets and just observing the variety of tweets that people post. Some are direct and some beat around the bush, some clever and others mean spirited. I came across some folks though that don't care and not in the negative way at all, but they have a point to make and they will say it. I don't know if that is my style but I applaud and appreciate the boldness, and not just boldness for the sake of being bold but also with (in my opinion) a valid beef, point or observation. Boldness also doesn't have to be loud and obnoxious, and I think we have misconstrued the two. We have managed to equate boldness and strength with loudness and in affect managed to watch a whole of lot strong men and women get turned away and frustrated because their needs were not met. As a society we lose out because this, valuable resources are lost and communities get overlooked and turned away. 

So, yeah what does this have to do with fear and me? I am glad you asked. I've kind of looked at film-making and art as my voice and the way that I speak and get my point across. Today I realized that may not be enough for me. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine right before I moved from L.A. and at the end of the conversation she said to me, "I didn't know you were so political." I was shocked at myself because social activism and politics are important to me (not the political parties mind you) and I had managed to not speak up on it. Which brings my to the fearful part, because of my  leanings are sometimes very far from the mainstream and some would even call radical I feared getting into confrontations over it. I am very passionate about things and often my conversations on politics (and Tyler Perry movies) get heated. So I managed to kind of just let things ride and keep my views to myself. As I look for balance and serenity in my life I need to find ways to release and discuss my feelings without getting heated or worry about ridicule or being  right. 

I really don't go back to often and check my prior posts. I think one day I will just grab a cup of  green tea and read away. I am sure or at least hope I have had some posts that talk about my feeling on politics and how I feel socially about things. If not here is a quick breakdown. Real quick. Mainstream media is whack (biased and uninformative)! We need a third party (fourth and fifth too), we need major education re-haul where nothing is left off the table (even questioning the unions role in its decline) I don't care for either major party. One is better than the other but both have serious flaws. Yeah, anyway this post when I first started was about changing my thoughts, I realize that some don't need changing just verbalizing them in a productive way.

Freestyling

This is just me freestyling on thoughts of the day. Randomness at its finest.

Heavy Heart

Today I heard that a great friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago. Even though we had not spoken in a little while, the impact of his kindness, generosity and humor will always be with me. My prayers go out to all who have lost a loved one recently. Cherish the relationships in your life. They are important and necessary. Much Love. 

Peace

No control

Relinquishing control over our lives can be challenging for those of us who feel we have no control to begin with.

Projections Of The Way Life Used To Be.

So today while having a conversation with a great friend of mine, I was about project my fears on spending, saving and loot in general. As I was about to express my opinion I stopped myself for a couple reasons. Well really one reason...HE DIDN'T ASK ME! Basically had I shared my opinion it would have been Ego and fear driven based on my own insecurities. 

To often in life we are too willing to share when it isn't warranted or welcomed. We have to know when what we our sharing is a help or a hindrance. The human ego is a powerful tool! I don't believe it is always as bad as people make it out to be when used properly so to speak. It has allowed me to know when to say when and when to push through.  It can be useful when trained to be. 

So I guess the moral of the story is to STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE! Unless someone asks you to merge.

Dreams vs Fantasy

So a few things have been on my mind lately...actually quite a few things...on the top of the list what makes something a dream and what makes it a fantasy...


is it other peoples opinions on the matter?

is it the realistic chance of obtaining such thought?

is it a matter of right place, right time?

Chance?

It has been on my mind for various reason...In my life I've been caller a dreamer (I'll take that) and that I live in a fantasy world (hmmm...not so much...well maybe)  

I mean there is a difference between wanting to marry the model on the cover of SI swimsuit issue and  setting your sights on being an artist, writer or ventriloquist right?

Who determines this though?

Is there a difference between obsessing on something and focusing on it?

I dunno...

Just random thoughts...

Keep dreaming and keep believing I say...

The Masks We Wear

So this morning I saw an article warning police officers to wear masks in downtown LA because of a TB outbreak. The thought that popped into my head was how we as a society are warned on a daily basis to wear many masks of different sorts. We become accustomed to masking our true feeling, our real wants and our deepest desires. We live in fear of really being free and hide behind masks of mediocrity and complacency. We wear many masks and many of them are rarely our own.

The Love

Every hero needs a theme song...

What Drives You?

Vulnerable

We 
All 
Need 
Someone 
We 
Can 
Be 
Vulnerable 
With
That is all...

The side effects of this are pretty scary...

One in the morning

One in the morning...felt the need to say some things...

Perfect Timing

We are in a vital place in out human development!


So many things are shifting and changing!

What was the status quo is no longer relevant.

Compassion and understanding is what we need...

People have to stand up and speak up!

The time is now...


Some times shit is drastic and we gotta shout to make a point...

The Door

This is a beautifully shot film. It is inspires me as an artist and filmmaker.

Tribute

About my Uncle Cherokee who passed away yesterday. 

Going Somewhere...

Well to be quite honest I don't know where this post is going, but I felt the need to write something. It has been on my heart and mind to just sit down and write. I really  don't know where this one will be going but hopefully it will go somewhere. It has to. It has been two months since I have been back in Brooklyn but  it seems like six months or so. I know that is a random arbitrary thing but the point is that it really does seem a lot longer. I have not been out as much over the last few weeks and it shows. When I looked into the mirror today I looked like Damon Wayans character in The Great White Hype when  he gained weight but mostly in his gut. My new gig has me working from home and over the 6 months that I've been doing it I have been, for lack of a better word, lazy. My walking and exercising has virtually stopped and that too is beginning to show. There are times that I am in denial that I am getting older  and being able to eat whatever and sit on my ass obviously isn't an option any more. I understand the notion that age is only in your mind, and I subscribe to that theory no doubt; but some physical things that come with living are undeniable. So my goal this week is to walk every morning before I start work because I know that once I finish working that is a rap. I pride myself in being physically fit, so it is imperative that I maintain that.

Speaking of which the other day my blood pressure was off the charts high. To be honest I was quite frightened. The second and third times it came down, but still it is time to get a physical. One of the things that happened when I first got back here was that I ate out a lot, and not always from the best restaurants. Places like the local Chinese or Caribbean joint and they are not always the most healthy place to catch a grub even if it is the "vegetarian" dishes. On that note, I have been toying with adding fish back into my diet, no other seafood though just fish. I don't really feel much of a difference, they say it is good for your heart so we will see. It won't be an everyday, week or month thing just every now and then if I decide to keep doing it.  Okay, so back to my blood pressure, it runs deep on both sides of my family. I truly believe that part of that is that folks eat massive amounts of meat and whatnot but I have eaten meat in years...unless you include fish...but it still seems to be an issue for me. So I have not bought salt in my new crib and I use alternate seasonings to season my food. It is taking time to adjust because I am used to heavy seasoning on my food. Even my veggies. Now my body (or is it my mind)  is craving salt, once I get it under control I will figure out when to add salt and to what. but for now I cut out any seasoning with a high amount of sodium in it. It is best for now.

In going through some old emails, I realized that it has been three years since I filmed Casual Friday, my short film. I have written quite a few scripts in that time, but nothing has really come from them yet. I actually like most of them, and am really anxious to get back behind a camera. So in addition to getting my walk on before I start working I will be working on a plan to get some of these scripts filmed. I have access to a few things it is just a matter of just getting it done and stop making excuses about why it can't be done. Complacency is a pretty dangerous thing! I was about to call it a drug, but yeah you get the point. It is time to put in some work. One because I admire a lot of the web series and independent films that are coming out right about now, two because I am immensely competitive and three because I feel like I have learned so much since Casual Friday about the process of filmmaking. The last 3 years were a real growing experience for me.  A lot of ideas about who I am or who I thought I was were shattered. Which was/is a good thing.  The end process is that I am becoming a good filmmaker, but an even better person. That is the most important thing.


Here is a snippet of my block during the blizzard last night....

Vid Blog

 

First Vid Blog...I say um a lot but....yeah...trying new things, breaking out of my comfort zones...

Dr. King

 

 

Nuff Said!

The Newness revisited

Wow, so I haven't posted here since August. Time flies and to be quite honest I kind of forgot this was here until today. A lot has transpired since my last post. My Aunt who is very special to me passed away, I left the LA to return to Brooklyn and I gave away a majority of my possessions. I feel freer than I have in many years and I have no expectations of what I think tomorrow should look like. I truly don't know and really don't want to know. I like being in the moment right now. It has really very little to do with the New Year since I am not the resolution type of dude, but I am committed to embracing the changes I made in 2012 and expanding them from here on out. It is important to know where I am going and I like who I am in getting there. Life is Good. God is Good . And So It Is.

Feel Something

Today while taking a stroll through Lake Shrine, I stopped at one of the waterfalls to take in some deep breaths and just relax. First, before I go on, if you are not familiar with Lake Shrine it is a meditation garden right off of Pacific Coast Highway and Sunset Boulevard in Santa Monica or Pacific Palisades. Anyway it is one of the most beautiful, relaxing and elegant places in SoCal. I love it. So yeah, I was taking a walk through and I saw a fish stuck between two rocks, it looked like it had been there for a while. I obviously couldn't tell if it was dead or alive, but I had the sudden urge to do something. Which is weird for me, because I don't believe people should harm animals and all that but I am not the most Rah Rah pet/animal dude in the world. I didn't want to reach in the myself to lodge it free, because one it was a little out of my reach and I didn't want to startle the staff and other guests by thinking a mad man jumped into lake. So I continued my walk and I notified the staff of the situation, one of them went to check on it. When I got back around again I went to check and the fish was removed. I didn't ask anymore about it. I simply let it be.

I am increasingly becoming more compassionate. I think that is the word for it. I am feeling something more and more each day. Sometimes a since of just despair will hit me, this is interesting because I cannot think of the last time I actually watched the news. Twitter has really kept me abreast of what is going on in the world and I do read some print online media from time to time. The thing I really noticed is that there is a lot of anger and tension manifesting in our behavior right now. I always say our because I don't like to disassociate mySelf from people and act like I am above or better than anyone or anything. So yeah, even before the two tragic events in Colorado and Wisconsin. Place like Chicago and Philadelphia have seen astronomical rises in violence, especially in the Black and poor communities. The part that has really hit home for me is the ages of a lot of the victims. A lot have been teenagers and young adults. The shocking part is how easily we've dismissed it. We assume they are gang-bangers or drug dealers. We've looked for ways to disassociate ourselves from this issue, because we don't believe our politicians can or will do something we have stopped asking. We sit by and watch as a whole generation collapses. 

My first step is to continually pray for peace. I started to do this before but I will send prayers specifically to Philly and Chicago. I will email, politicians and local non-profits to see how they are combating the issue and see how I can help remotely and when the opportunity arises more hands on. Faith without works is dead. I believe in the spiritual path first and foremost but I also I still believe in action. The thing I admired about Jesus was his action. He fed the hungry, he raised the dead and he did what needed to be done in the moment. We can wait for someone to uplift or we can roll up our sleeves and uplift one another.

Assessing situations

The Ego has reared its head again. My sister bought me a book on relationships. I didn't know how to take it really. I've explained to her that being in a relationship is not a top priority for me right now. Yes I would like to be in a relationship and yes sometimes being single has its drawbacks. That being said Life is happening for me and to me right now. Some things exhilarating in a positive sense and others well they are causing me some angst, but I am in it. A relationship could enhance it or not who knows, but I won't go searching for one just to be in one, and I am not quite sure that a book would solve the issue for me anyway. 

 WAIT...This wasn't even supposed to be about the book...woos-sah

Now I have loss track of what it is I am writing about. Final thought on that. I read a lot of books that deal with spirituality. Not so much into the self-help genre...Love you sis. :-D

So the assessing situations. As I am preparing to leave on apartment for another. I am going through things and looking at where I am with Life etc., and well I don't know where I am...LOL...That's the honest truth. Things have been hectic and chaotic in my mind more than any place else and I have not allowed mySelf to just take a step back and breathe...woo-sah...between writing, creating, working and playing I have just been going non-stop since early June. As I sit here writing this I can feel the lack of centeredness in the pit of my stomach. There is an uneasiness. Not bad but just hectic and uncertain. I have to remember to stop be still and just breathe. It will help. It always has...

Alright I came here for something else and once again my Mind meandered. Bottom line is I need to appreciate the activities that have been going on in my Life but to remember being still is extremely important. Life is good...    

Oh shit!

People actually read this...I mean wow. I just checked the audience numbers for the blog for the first time. 


I guess I thought people would. Maybe friends and some family. I am shocked maybe impressed, but the humility won't let me say that. Even though I just did. ;-)


As I began writing this it really was just about me expressing who I am. I disabled the comment section well because it was really just about me sharing, not others correcting. My desire was in me sharing my journey it would inspire others in some way to look within and rise up as I needed to. I am still rising!


I know that I am not alone in the challenges that arise in life. Whether it is desiring a  relationship or looking for financial stability everyone (or most everyone) has their something that is has been a challenge to overcome. 


My guardedness brought me to this point. I don't know if I am any less guarded when it comes to the emotional "vulnerability" type shit but I have seen a more willingness to step out of my comfort zone. That was one of the goals of this, but the chief goal still is to improve my quality of life. 


Change just for the sake of change is not enough for me. Breaking down the barriers that bonded me to mediocrity is my ultimate goal and purpose.

I have an EGO...there I said it. I can at times be stubborn...let it go. I've been known to be a know it all...purge. I am impatient and have had bouts of moodines...woooo saaaah.

Whew I had to let that out. See as of late I've been putting myself under a lot of pressure to be sort of perfect, and in my mind sometimes I make everything about me when it really isn't. I take things personally and create conflicts where none exist. It was a trait that was popular for me in the past and as I spoke on yesterday sometimes old habits die hard. When things are not going as planned I have a desire to inch back into my comfort zone. When I need a timeout from people, places or things instead of me just taking the timeout, I would create havoc to give me a reason for the timeout. I would look at alone time kind of as a punishment instead of just what it is, a time to reflect and regroup. I like being alone. I am cool around other folks as well but my alone time is precious to me, and I felt like I needed an excuse to take it. I don't!

Yeah I think that is all I have for today. I never know how to end these things. Kind of feels like one of the old Spike Lee movies. Where I just yell at the screen and yell wake up, but I am wide awake. That is why I am doing this. Because I am awake to not only changing but improving. Getting better and sharing that journey. I will acknowledge actually that I have improved. Sometime that self-acknowledgment doesn't come quick enough from me, and I don't always pat my self on the back. I no longer see my life as a train wreck waiting to happen. It is a journey and I am in charge of the journey. I am progressing and making strides daily and by enlarge I am pretty happy with the results.

Ok, now I really don't know how to end this. The Spike Lee joke was where I intended to stop....
So.....WAKE UPPPPPPPPPP!

Going Within

So, a few months back I did this 21 day winter meditation challenge through the Chopra Center, and it was really good. I fell back off my practice of meditating but that was on me not them. Yeah, so I received an email saying that they would be doing a 21 day summer challenge. Low and behold another chance to get this right. The "challenge" started yesterday and it was and has been a challenge, because for whatever reason I have not been able to access the meditations through my phone like I could before. I have my own theories but whatever, bottom line is I couldn't get on to do it. Usually I would get all kinds of frustrated and go off on some tangent about this that or the third. This morning I tried again and to no avail. (Side note spiritual center or not customer service should respond lol). I digress...oh yeah...this was something I was looking forward to and felt I "needed" in my spiritual growth and development. The excuses began to roll out of my mouth, and it would have been very easy to give up and move on. Then the thought hit me. Go on without it, ok actually I said fuck it but not in the negative tone but more of a there is another solution and I will find it sort of way. 

The penchant for excuse making was a great hobby for me. There were excuses for every situation imaginable, and if not I found a way to develop one. Then when my mom passed, when I was 16, for a while I had a ready made excuse and was able to coast through with minimal effort exerted. The result was that I received minimal reward, and very few people were willing to call me on the laziness because they "couldn't imagine what I was going through". Then when that was no longer a viable option as an excuse I would manufacture another one and keep the lethargy party rolling. What exacerbated matter more was that I was a great talker. Yeah, so needless  to say  this period in my life was filled with mediocrity in effort and results. As with many things old habits die hard and recognition is the first step. Gratefully I am not that cat anymore, but I still am working my way into the man I am destined to be. It is a life long process. There is no simple pill to digest that will cure what was, but understanding that life can be much better when there is honesty and trust with myself has helped me more that any outside source I can think of.

So I'm writing this as I am releasing the need to rely on anything else outside of mySelf. The lesson for today was trust in yourself, and the answers will appear. I was once told and then read many times some things should come to me with ease and grace, and spiritual enlightenment falls in that category for me. If something or someone is able to assist me in my growth that is awesome and I am all for it, but there is a difference between assistance and dependence. I am totally accepting of assistance while letting go of the dependence. Woooo Saaaaah.... ;-)

The Journey

What I came for was an acting career what I got is a spiritual awakening...

When I moved to LA I was hell bent on kick-starting my acting career. I had grown complacent and outside of a few student films and a few plays in Brooklyn I was not even really trying. So I figured a change of scenery would do me wonders (plus NYC changed after 9/11). Little did I know how much it would do for me. I have grown exponentially since the move. Much more than just as an actor but as an artist, a person, an activist and a man. Along the way I have realized that I am a storyteller. I love writing and expressing myself via words and ideas. Today more than ever I am more confident in my writing and creative abilities. There is work still to be done of course, but this feels right in ways that other endeavors have not. I'm continuously discovering new things that inspire me when I sit down and write and focus my attention on that. I get lost in the page and things(magic) happens for me. Knowing your purpose brings a certain power with it that opens more doors than I could have ever imagined...

So yeah the spiritual awakening part. Part of what I realized recently was that there was a spirituality missing in my art and activism. There was that aspect that I admired in many of the elders who made sacrifices for me to be hear today had. God! I believed God existed but I had only encounter God via religion and often there was something incomplete in how I was receiving it. I would get some meaning  from it but it was not lasting. I felt as thought God was created in man's image and not vice versa how it is supposed to be. Anyway, when I got out to Cali and was introduced to the New Thought movement (Agape, Founders and Guidance) as well as Unity Churches and Self-Realization Temples(Lake Shrine) things started to click  for me. I felt a connection for the first time of something much larger than me. It was great to be able to fellowship with people who had similar beliefs from varying backgrounds. I felt at home wherever I went even if it was for the first time. It was amazing! Through that fellow-shipping I was able to commit myself to causes that were also much larger than myself (Peace4kids and Be The Cause) and again I felt at home. I was and am able to act with Spirit in mind and I am learning to make intuitive moves instead of random guesses. A work in progress that is progressing nicely.

So as I continue my journey that may or may not take me elsewhere I am eternally grateful for the extended family I've encountered over that last 8 years, and look forward to watching Spirit escalate in our lives.

Been a long second

Been a while since I've posted in here. Don't have a reason, kind of just been overlooking it. As I prepare for the next phase in this journey called life I began to realize sharing is a big part of it for me. That is the main reason I got into arts is because of the sharing aspect of it. When I first began acting it felt good to be on stage with other folks sharing our creative inspirations. I like that. Back then I was really concerned with feedback from other, how they thought I did, what did they like about it, what could I have done differently etc. Now that part is not as important to me as much as... did I do my best at that time? Did I grow from the experience? It is no longer about pleasing other but being pleased with mySelf. Understanding that everything is not going to be for everyone and accepting that.

Anywho....I got waaaaaay off topic. I hadn't been sharing and I miss that. Not only sharing my thought but sharing the things and experiences that inspire me to be better, things that make me laugh, things that make me shake my head and things that make me go....hmmmmm ;-) I will be revamping the out look over the next few weeks. To help express the growth and development that has been occurring within me over the last few months. Some changes I won't share immediately but I will get to it, and others as I feel them and experience them I will let em rip and post immediately.

Who knows  how it will play out, but it will. I am continuously growing, changing and exploring. Sometimes it is an exhausting fearful process, and other times I am as sure as the sun is bright. I guess that is all for now. *shoulder shrug*

Peace,
MAB

PS...As I read this I also realized it is easier to share this way than in a more intimate setting (face to face) *another shoulder shrug*

Trust In Me

The first time I ever heard this song. I worked at T-Mobile(actually it was Omnipoint then) and the store was empty. I was feeling kind of lost to be honest and was looking for some kind of direction. I felt like it was a call from God to be honest. A few months later I was able to leave my job and spend the Summer in London.

Thank you and R.I.P Ms. Etta James

Thanksgiving- Thank you Dr. King

So today as I was walking home from Trader Joe's I thought to myself,"today feels like Thanksgiving." There was a deep feeling of fall in the air, plus with the holiday the streets in Toluca Lake were kind of quiet. Then it dawned on me... Today is really my Thanksgiving! We are in the midst of giving honor to a man who had an immense vision to change the injustices with the most revolutionary act possible...LOVE

So I give thanks that because of him I am able to write this blog. In large because of his vision, perseverance and dedication I have freedoms that many of my ancestors were not privy to. I am thankful for Dr. King and people like him who fought the good fight not just for themselves, but for the generations that were yet to be born. I give thanks because I was able to walk freely to and from Trader Joe's. Simple things that I sometimes over look and/or take for granted.

So as I extend my gratitude to the Spirit of the man, the Spirit that drove the man, the same Spirit that dwells within each and everyone of us. I look at the ancestors who shoulders we stand on and know that whether acknowledge it or not we are individually building a legacy that others will stand on. Knowing this fact, and understanding my responsibilities allows me to, better yet, requires me to make more conscious decisions based on Love.

Apocalypse

"And when the topic is topicless, then I'm writing the apocalypse." Rakim

Today Rev. Michael talked briefly about the world around us about to crumble. In substance he was talking about the political and financial systems as we know it, and how it was necessary for something beautiful to be re-birthed. I personally connected to this idea because so many of the things I had hoped for are crumbling around me and it was easy for me to get in a rut and not see the beauty also being birthed. In times of "despair" it is real easy to get enthralled in the appearance of lack and limitation, and because like attracts like more of that dominant thought then appears and a cycle begins. Then I put up a resistance to what is happening what just in turn fans the flames and now a blaze of negativity is overwhelming my psyche and I am just about ready to explode! Yeah...plus I am dramatic to boot so I wig out pretty easily when these occurrences happen.

Recognition is the key...

There is a quote about water that in essence says it is the most powerful force because it offers no resistance...the is more to the quote but for me the important this is to stop resisting and give the thoughts and energy nothing to resist and fight against. Non-resistance has also been a theme as of late. The messages are there I have been just so caught up in stuff to recognize them. Life is really about choices. I am sooooo good at motivating others when they are "down", but rarely do I follow or practice what I preach. So now I choose to direct that inspirational motivating energy inward. Having those daily Conversations With God and Self, and seeing the beauty being birthed right Now. The dream is only as far off as I allow it to be.

Fed Up

“The Democrats think Republicans are stealing elections. The Republicans think Democrats are stealing elections. And those of us independent of the two old parties know they are both right.” Kevin Zeese

So here we go again, another election cycle has come and gone and the pre and post rhetoric sounds just about the same to me. We keep hearing about how this demographic want "their country" back and how fed up they are with the party in power; only to give "power" back to the other party who was just as equally(or more) jacked up in the first place. We then hear promises of how this party will now rescind the agenda of the last party to appease the will of their constituents which inevitably will then piss of other constituents who will then come out to vote and the whole ugly(and sometime useless) cycle will repeat itself once again.

Yeah...

The voter turnout yesterday was 42%! WTF! How can we celebrate anything when well over half the country has been so turned off by the process that they don't care. In 2008 the voter turnout (which was considered extremely high) was 56.8%...seriously! Since 1960 only Poland and Switzerland have a lower turnout among "developed nations". There are many factors that go into this equation other than voter apathy, like the fact that some other country hold their elections on weekends and some over a 2 day period to make sure voters get out. Which brings up the question, why won't we move our elections to better accommodate the working class voters who may not be able to get to a polling place easily on a Tuesday? The conspiracy theorist in me believes because they don't want them involved in the process, but I am sure there is another valid "reason".

Anywho...

So yes I too am pissed and fed up. I am fed up with a broken system that people refuse to acknowledge is broken. I am fed up with people doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I am fed up with a system that ignores the working poor and "underprivileged". I am fed up with a system that has allowed its school systems to erode to ridiculous lows. I am fed up with a media that ignores any independent candidate who doesn't dress funny and come up with outlandish(albeit true and hilarious) slogans. I am fed up with candidates who won't tell you what they stand for, but instead pay millions on negative attacks ads! I am fed up that I will have to more than likely go through this same scenario in another 2 or 4 years! I am fed up that our education system will continue to erode, those who need work will continue to need work. I am fed up and resigned to the fact that it will only get worse before it gets better.

I don't Understand

"...Lean not on your own understanding..." Proverbs 3:5

It has been a long minute since I blogged about anything. So much has been goings on the last few months since I have blogged. A lot of ups and downs...starting and stopping, resisting and confronting. The one common ground through that whole time was a lack of trust in the Divine Order. I kept trying to do it myself once again and would get more frustrated each and everytime. It is like I had a shovel and kept digging...refusing to put the damn shovel down because I knew If i dug a little further there would be the answer. My answer was to keep moving...keep it moving...don't stop....and I didn't understand why I was so tired and wore down.

Well last week I had had enough. I was ready to call it a day...change course completely...although I hadn't quite decided what giving up meant. Then a voice came into my head like a parent talking to a child..."are you ready to be still now?" And the answer was and is yes. I don't have to do it alone. I have a vast array of support that starts and ends with God. As Wayne Dyer so eloquently said, "there is a spiritual solution to every problem." The trick for me is being still long enough to ask and receive...

Yep!

We get what we put out, it is an inherent truth that's sometimes hard to swallow. For me at least to recognize and respond accordingly to the Power that lies within was a daunting task. Knowing that I could no longer play the blame game was disappointing. I had it down so well. It was second nature. The flip side of that same coin is that it is a powerful reality to live in and for. Watching it unfold and our lives open up in ways in which we could only Imagine before is a profound testament to the Power The Creator has bestowed upon us.

Quick Thought

Life is Good! That is all!

Better man...

My daily goal is to be a better man than I was the day before. Period. To make stronger choices for myself first and foremost, and then for my immediate and not so immediate community. To not beat myself up if I feel I fall short of that goal. To trust in that Divine Source that dwells within me and is never not there. To simply know that God is good and because of that I am a product of that Goodness. To practice forgiveness until it is a naturally act and not a forced occurrence. To breathe before I (re)act. To learn from days like today and know that my perception affects everything and it is only as bad as I allow it to be. To know that tomorrow is a new chance to practice what I preach. To not give my power away. To pray and meditate. To forgive and live. To love and laugh and be and smile. It is necessary.

Right it out!

I write because it makes me "feel better". I write because I need an outlet to release my frustrations, joys, concerns and epiphanies. I write because it helps to see the words that were once only a thought. I write because the truth sets us free. I write because it helps me to release my fears. I write because it helps. I write to write sometimes simply just because with no particular point in mind. Today is not that day.

As I journey into unknown territory for myself...exploring the inner most reaches of my mind and soul. Stepping out on faith, while taking stock of what matters to me and why. The why is important to me in this next phase, and probably the phase after that as well. I would be lying if I said I knew what is in store for me as I make the changes for the better. I honestly don't know what all of the changes will be. I feel the need and urge to make a plunge. To go for "it" with all my living passion. It is vague to me right at this moment. It could be simple, or it could be drastic. Either way it is necessary. I am not bracing for it, but still preparing for it just the same. Before not knowing would drive me crazy, and yet and still while I am uncomfortable right now, I believe and know Life will work the way it needs to work at the end.

ShadowBoxing

"It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you..." Rakim

It doesn't seem like a month since I have written here, shared my feelings or experiences, or purged my system. But it has been, and it felt really weird. A lot has been going on most of it good, all of it good actually, some of it just didn't feel great as I was going through it. I was told a while ago that the growing process never ends, that there is always new heights to explore and new parts of ourselves to rediscover. I was resisting that notion. I noticed that I resist a lot those things that make me uncomfortable. My linear mind tells me that there is a catch or it is way to good to be true. The borders and boundaries are built high and wide, and I create excuses for their existence. Inevitably I let them down, but I have been wondering has the good part already evaporated by the time I am ready to indulge in it?

I have been reading a lot about living in the shadows this month in the magazine Science of Mind. It has been talking about hiding things and how they grow in the darkness, and it isn't until you shine the light of truth that they disappear. It had me thinking about my personal experience, and how my manhood and experiences as a man have been largely dictated by what I don't want to be, more so than what it is that I want to be. I have recognized it, and I am correcting it. It is truly important for me to define my life in the affirmative as opposed to the negative. That is the only way for me to achieve those things that allow me to grow, prosper and flourish.

Finally, Casual Friday is 99.4% done, and I am finally excited about finishing my first film. I started something and completed it, and that is huge for me. I can not express how huge that really is for me. Especially since I know this is only the beginning. I am a filmmaker not only in theory, but in practice and in deed. It is done, and I am happy.

Approval

I am Mark Benson and I approve of this message.

I approve of me as I am. I approve of me improving. I approve of loving myself unconditionally. I approve of self-acceptance. Today is a new day. I am bound by today and this moment and only this moment. Everything I want, need and desire is available to me Now. It is my choice whether I fret over past choices or live for today and in today. It really isn't rocket science, it is simple even though it isn't always easy. It is complicated by my unwillingness to submit and relinquish control over my emotions and the situations at hand. Or my desire to place blame instead of accepting responsibility. Being accountable for me to me and by me.

Today has been kind of an up and down day. I am feeling the need to change some things in my life, but do not know where or how to begin. I don't believe in bemoaning my lot, so I will just say that there are some changes that are necessary in the areas of job and housing. No need to really go to deep into it, since by goal for today is letting go of yesterday. I realize that I am particular and sometimes quirky, and am beyond fine with that. I like my own space. Not that I am not into sharing or compromising, but somethings to me seem commonsensical. It is what it is though. I can control only what I can control. It is timing and choices meeting up at the right time. My choices and my timing.

Looking to end on a high note. Pick myself up as I go to work and put on my game face on. Ha. I have had much worse jobs and it goes by quickly, but now that I have gotten my feet wet as a filmmaker I am eager and anxious to honestly start making a living out of that. Doing only what I love doing...which for the record is filmmaking, acting, and producing(all types of art). I also enjoy working with youth, but in being honest with myself that is secondary to being an artist. I love...oooops...was about to justify myself for no reason and to no one in particular. So I don't know if this is a high note, but I will end it there.