What I came for was an acting career what I got is a spiritual awakening...
When I moved to LA I was hell bent on kick-starting my acting career. I had grown complacent and outside of a few student films and a few plays in Brooklyn I was not even really trying. So I figured a change of scenery would do me wonders (plus NYC changed after 9/11). Little did I know how much it would do for me. I have grown exponentially since the move. Much more than just as an actor but as an artist, a person, an activist and a man. Along the way I have realized that I am a storyteller. I love writing and expressing myself via words and ideas. Today more than ever I am more confident in my writing and creative abilities. There is work still to be done of course, but this feels right in ways that other endeavors have not. I'm continuously discovering new things that inspire me when I sit down and write and focus my attention on that. I get lost in the page and things(magic) happens for me. Knowing your purpose brings a certain power with it that opens more doors than I could have ever imagined...
So yeah the spiritual awakening part. Part of what I realized recently was that there was a spirituality missing in my art and activism. There was that aspect that I admired in many of the elders who made sacrifices for me to be hear today had. God! I believed God existed but I had only encounter God via religion and often there was something incomplete in how I was receiving it. I would get some meaning from it but it was not lasting. I felt as thought God was created in man's image and not vice versa how it is supposed to be. Anyway, when I got out to Cali and was introduced to the New Thought movement (Agape, Founders and Guidance) as well as Unity Churches and Self-Realization Temples(Lake Shrine) things started to click for me. I felt a connection for the first time of something much larger than me. It was great to be able to fellowship with people who had similar beliefs from varying backgrounds. I felt at home wherever I went even if it was for the first time. It was amazing! Through that fellow-shipping I was able to commit myself to causes that were also much larger than myself (Peace4kids and Be The Cause) and again I felt at home. I was and am able to act with Spirit in mind and I am learning to make intuitive moves instead of random guesses. A work in progress that is progressing nicely.
So as I continue my journey that may or may not take me elsewhere I am eternally grateful for the extended family I've encountered over that last 8 years, and look forward to watching Spirit escalate in our lives.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Been a long second
Been a while since I've posted in here. Don't have a reason, kind of just been overlooking it. As I prepare for the next phase in this journey called life I began to realize sharing is a big part of it for me. That is the main reason I got into arts is because of the sharing aspect of it. When I first began acting it felt good to be on stage with other folks sharing our creative inspirations. I like that. Back then I was really concerned with feedback from other, how they thought I did, what did they like about it, what could I have done differently etc. Now that part is not as important to me as much as... did I do my best at that time? Did I grow from the experience? It is no longer about pleasing other but being pleased with mySelf. Understanding that everything is not going to be for everyone and accepting that.
Anywho....I got waaaaaay off topic. I hadn't been sharing and I miss that. Not only sharing my thought but sharing the things and experiences that inspire me to be better, things that make me laugh, things that make me shake my head and things that make me go....hmmmmm ;-) I will be revamping the out look over the next few weeks. To help express the growth and development that has been occurring within me over the last few months. Some changes I won't share immediately but I will get to it, and others as I feel them and experience them I will let em rip and post immediately.
Who knows how it will play out, but it will. I am continuously growing, changing and exploring. Sometimes it is an exhausting fearful process, and other times I am as sure as the sun is bright. I guess that is all for now. *shoulder shrug*
Peace,
MAB
PS...As I read this I also realized it is easier to share this way than in a more intimate setting (face to face) *another shoulder shrug*
Anywho....I got waaaaaay off topic. I hadn't been sharing and I miss that. Not only sharing my thought but sharing the things and experiences that inspire me to be better, things that make me laugh, things that make me shake my head and things that make me go....hmmmmm ;-) I will be revamping the out look over the next few weeks. To help express the growth and development that has been occurring within me over the last few months. Some changes I won't share immediately but I will get to it, and others as I feel them and experience them I will let em rip and post immediately.
Who knows how it will play out, but it will. I am continuously growing, changing and exploring. Sometimes it is an exhausting fearful process, and other times I am as sure as the sun is bright. I guess that is all for now. *shoulder shrug*
Peace,
MAB
PS...As I read this I also realized it is easier to share this way than in a more intimate setting (face to face) *another shoulder shrug*
Friday, January 20, 2012
Trust In Me
The first time I ever heard this song. I worked at T-Mobile(actually it was Omnipoint then) and the store was empty. I was feeling kind of lost to be honest and was looking for some kind of direction. I felt like it was a call from God to be honest. A few months later I was able to leave my job and spend the Summer in London.
Thank you and R.I.P Ms. Etta James
Thank you and R.I.P Ms. Etta James
Monday, January 16, 2012
Thanksgiving- Thank you Dr. King
So today as I was walking home from Trader Joe's I thought to myself,"today feels like Thanksgiving." There was a deep feeling of fall in the air, plus with the holiday the streets in Toluca Lake were kind of quiet. Then it dawned on me... Today is really my Thanksgiving! We are in the midst of giving honor to a man who had an immense vision to change the injustices with the most revolutionary act possible...LOVE
So I give thanks that because of him I am able to write this blog. In large because of his vision, perseverance and dedication I have freedoms that many of my ancestors were not privy to. I am thankful for Dr. King and people like him who fought the good fight not just for themselves, but for the generations that were yet to be born. I give thanks because I was able to walk freely to and from Trader Joe's. Simple things that I sometimes over look and/or take for granted.
So as I extend my gratitude to the Spirit of the man, the Spirit that drove the man, the same Spirit that dwells within each and everyone of us. I look at the ancestors who shoulders we stand on and know that whether acknowledge it or not we are individually building a legacy that others will stand on. Knowing this fact, and understanding my responsibilities allows me to, better yet, requires me to make more conscious decisions based on Love.
So I give thanks that because of him I am able to write this blog. In large because of his vision, perseverance and dedication I have freedoms that many of my ancestors were not privy to. I am thankful for Dr. King and people like him who fought the good fight not just for themselves, but for the generations that were yet to be born. I give thanks because I was able to walk freely to and from Trader Joe's. Simple things that I sometimes over look and/or take for granted.
So as I extend my gratitude to the Spirit of the man, the Spirit that drove the man, the same Spirit that dwells within each and everyone of us. I look at the ancestors who shoulders we stand on and know that whether acknowledge it or not we are individually building a legacy that others will stand on. Knowing this fact, and understanding my responsibilities allows me to, better yet, requires me to make more conscious decisions based on Love.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Apocalypse
"And when the topic is topicless, then I'm writing the apocalypse." Rakim
Today Rev. Michael talked briefly about the world around us about to crumble. In substance he was talking about the political and financial systems as we know it, and how it was necessary for something beautiful to be re-birthed. I personally connected to this idea because so many of the things I had hoped for are crumbling around me and it was easy for me to get in a rut and not see the beauty also being birthed. In times of "despair" it is real easy to get enthralled in the appearance of lack and limitation, and because like attracts like more of that dominant thought then appears and a cycle begins. Then I put up a resistance to what is happening what just in turn fans the flames and now a blaze of negativity is overwhelming my psyche and I am just about ready to explode! Yeah...plus I am dramatic to boot so I wig out pretty easily when these occurrences happen.
Recognition is the key...
There is a quote about water that in essence says it is the most powerful force because it offers no resistance...the is more to the quote but for me the important this is to stop resisting and give the thoughts and energy nothing to resist and fight against. Non-resistance has also been a theme as of late. The messages are there I have been just so caught up in stuff to recognize them. Life is really about choices. I am sooooo good at motivating others when they are "down", but rarely do I follow or practice what I preach. So now I choose to direct that inspirational motivating energy inward. Having those daily Conversations With God and Self, and seeing the beauty being birthed right Now. The dream is only as far off as I allow it to be.
Today Rev. Michael talked briefly about the world around us about to crumble. In substance he was talking about the political and financial systems as we know it, and how it was necessary for something beautiful to be re-birthed. I personally connected to this idea because so many of the things I had hoped for are crumbling around me and it was easy for me to get in a rut and not see the beauty also being birthed. In times of "despair" it is real easy to get enthralled in the appearance of lack and limitation, and because like attracts like more of that dominant thought then appears and a cycle begins. Then I put up a resistance to what is happening what just in turn fans the flames and now a blaze of negativity is overwhelming my psyche and I am just about ready to explode! Yeah...plus I am dramatic to boot so I wig out pretty easily when these occurrences happen.
Recognition is the key...
There is a quote about water that in essence says it is the most powerful force because it offers no resistance...the is more to the quote but for me the important this is to stop resisting and give the thoughts and energy nothing to resist and fight against. Non-resistance has also been a theme as of late. The messages are there I have been just so caught up in stuff to recognize them. Life is really about choices. I am sooooo good at motivating others when they are "down", but rarely do I follow or practice what I preach. So now I choose to direct that inspirational motivating energy inward. Having those daily Conversations With God and Self, and seeing the beauty being birthed right Now. The dream is only as far off as I allow it to be.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Fed Up
“The Democrats think Republicans are stealing elections. The Republicans think Democrats are stealing elections. And those of us independent of the two old parties know they are both right.” Kevin Zeese
So here we go again, another election cycle has come and gone and the pre and post rhetoric sounds just about the same to me. We keep hearing about how this demographic want "their country" back and how fed up they are with the party in power; only to give "power" back to the other party who was just as equally(or more) jacked up in the first place. We then hear promises of how this party will now rescind the agenda of the last party to appease the will of their constituents which inevitably will then piss of other constituents who will then come out to vote and the whole ugly(and sometime useless) cycle will repeat itself once again.
Yeah...
The voter turnout yesterday was 42%! WTF! How can we celebrate anything when well over half the country has been so turned off by the process that they don't care. In 2008 the voter turnout (which was considered extremely high) was 56.8%...seriously! Since 1960 only Poland and Switzerland have a lower turnout among "developed nations". There are many factors that go into this equation other than voter apathy, like the fact that some other country hold their elections on weekends and some over a 2 day period to make sure voters get out. Which brings up the question, why won't we move our elections to better accommodate the working class voters who may not be able to get to a polling place easily on a Tuesday? The conspiracy theorist in me believes because they don't want them involved in the process, but I am sure there is another valid "reason".
Anywho...
So yes I too am pissed and fed up. I am fed up with a broken system that people refuse to acknowledge is broken. I am fed up with people doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I am fed up with a system that ignores the working poor and "underprivileged". I am fed up with a system that has allowed its school systems to erode to ridiculous lows. I am fed up with a media that ignores any independent candidate who doesn't dress funny and come up with outlandish(albeit true and hilarious) slogans. I am fed up with candidates who won't tell you what they stand for, but instead pay millions on negative attacks ads! I am fed up that I will have to more than likely go through this same scenario in another 2 or 4 years! I am fed up that our education system will continue to erode, those who need work will continue to need work. I am fed up and resigned to the fact that it will only get worse before it gets better.
So here we go again, another election cycle has come and gone and the pre and post rhetoric sounds just about the same to me. We keep hearing about how this demographic want "their country" back and how fed up they are with the party in power; only to give "power" back to the other party who was just as equally(or more) jacked up in the first place. We then hear promises of how this party will now rescind the agenda of the last party to appease the will of their constituents which inevitably will then piss of other constituents who will then come out to vote and the whole ugly(and sometime useless) cycle will repeat itself once again.
Yeah...
The voter turnout yesterday was 42%! WTF! How can we celebrate anything when well over half the country has been so turned off by the process that they don't care. In 2008 the voter turnout (which was considered extremely high) was 56.8%...seriously! Since 1960 only Poland and Switzerland have a lower turnout among "developed nations". There are many factors that go into this equation other than voter apathy, like the fact that some other country hold their elections on weekends and some over a 2 day period to make sure voters get out. Which brings up the question, why won't we move our elections to better accommodate the working class voters who may not be able to get to a polling place easily on a Tuesday? The conspiracy theorist in me believes because they don't want them involved in the process, but I am sure there is another valid "reason".
Anywho...
So yes I too am pissed and fed up. I am fed up with a broken system that people refuse to acknowledge is broken. I am fed up with people doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I am fed up with a system that ignores the working poor and "underprivileged". I am fed up with a system that has allowed its school systems to erode to ridiculous lows. I am fed up with a media that ignores any independent candidate who doesn't dress funny and come up with outlandish(albeit true and hilarious) slogans. I am fed up with candidates who won't tell you what they stand for, but instead pay millions on negative attacks ads! I am fed up that I will have to more than likely go through this same scenario in another 2 or 4 years! I am fed up that our education system will continue to erode, those who need work will continue to need work. I am fed up and resigned to the fact that it will only get worse before it gets better.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I don't Understand
"...Lean not on your own understanding..." Proverbs 3:5
It has been a long minute since I blogged about anything. So much has been goings on the last few months since I have blogged. A lot of ups and downs...starting and stopping, resisting and confronting. The one common ground through that whole time was a lack of trust in the Divine Order. I kept trying to do it myself once again and would get more frustrated each and everytime. It is like I had a shovel and kept digging...refusing to put the damn shovel down because I knew If i dug a little further there would be the answer. My answer was to keep moving...keep it moving...don't stop....and I didn't understand why I was so tired and wore down.
Well last week I had had enough. I was ready to call it a day...change course completely...although I hadn't quite decided what giving up meant. Then a voice came into my head like a parent talking to a child..."are you ready to be still now?" And the answer was and is yes. I don't have to do it alone. I have a vast array of support that starts and ends with God. As Wayne Dyer so eloquently said, "there is a spiritual solution to every problem." The trick for me is being still long enough to ask and receive...
It has been a long minute since I blogged about anything. So much has been goings on the last few months since I have blogged. A lot of ups and downs...starting and stopping, resisting and confronting. The one common ground through that whole time was a lack of trust in the Divine Order. I kept trying to do it myself once again and would get more frustrated each and everytime. It is like I had a shovel and kept digging...refusing to put the damn shovel down because I knew If i dug a little further there would be the answer. My answer was to keep moving...keep it moving...don't stop....and I didn't understand why I was so tired and wore down.
Well last week I had had enough. I was ready to call it a day...change course completely...although I hadn't quite decided what giving up meant. Then a voice came into my head like a parent talking to a child..."are you ready to be still now?" And the answer was and is yes. I don't have to do it alone. I have a vast array of support that starts and ends with God. As Wayne Dyer so eloquently said, "there is a spiritual solution to every problem." The trick for me is being still long enough to ask and receive...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Yep!
We get what we put out, it is an inherent truth that's sometimes hard to swallow. For me at least to recognize and respond accordingly to the Power that lies within was a daunting task. Knowing that I could no longer play the blame game was disappointing. I had it down so well. It was second nature. The flip side of that same coin is that it is a powerful reality to live in and for. Watching it unfold and our lives open up in ways in which we could only Imagine before is a profound testament to the Power The Creator has bestowed upon us.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Better man...
My daily goal is to be a better man than I was the day before. Period. To make stronger choices for myself first and foremost, and then for my immediate and not so immediate community. To not beat myself up if I feel I fall short of that goal. To trust in that Divine Source that dwells within me and is never not there. To simply know that God is good and because of that I am a product of that Goodness. To practice forgiveness until it is a naturally act and not a forced occurrence. To breathe before I (re)act. To learn from days like today and know that my perception affects everything and it is only as bad as I allow it to be. To know that tomorrow is a new chance to practice what I preach. To not give my power away. To pray and meditate. To forgive and live. To love and laugh and be and smile. It is necessary.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Right it out!
I write because it makes me "feel better". I write because I need an outlet to release my frustrations, joys, concerns and epiphanies. I write because it helps to see the words that were once only a thought. I write because the truth sets us free. I write because it helps me to release my fears. I write because it helps. I write to write sometimes simply just because with no particular point in mind. Today is not that day.
As I journey into unknown territory for myself...exploring the inner most reaches of my mind and soul. Stepping out on faith, while taking stock of what matters to me and why. The why is important to me in this next phase, and probably the phase after that as well. I would be lying if I said I knew what is in store for me as I make the changes for the better. I honestly don't know what all of the changes will be. I feel the need and urge to make a plunge. To go for "it" with all my living passion. It is vague to me right at this moment. It could be simple, or it could be drastic. Either way it is necessary. I am not bracing for it, but still preparing for it just the same. Before not knowing would drive me crazy, and yet and still while I am uncomfortable right now, I believe and know Life will work the way it needs to work at the end.
As I journey into unknown territory for myself...exploring the inner most reaches of my mind and soul. Stepping out on faith, while taking stock of what matters to me and why. The why is important to me in this next phase, and probably the phase after that as well. I would be lying if I said I knew what is in store for me as I make the changes for the better. I honestly don't know what all of the changes will be. I feel the need and urge to make a plunge. To go for "it" with all my living passion. It is vague to me right at this moment. It could be simple, or it could be drastic. Either way it is necessary. I am not bracing for it, but still preparing for it just the same. Before not knowing would drive me crazy, and yet and still while I am uncomfortable right now, I believe and know Life will work the way it needs to work at the end.
Friday, June 18, 2010
ShadowBoxing
"It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you..." Rakim
It doesn't seem like a month since I have written here, shared my feelings or experiences, or purged my system. But it has been, and it felt really weird. A lot has been going on most of it good, all of it good actually, some of it just didn't feel great as I was going through it. I was told a while ago that the growing process never ends, that there is always new heights to explore and new parts of ourselves to rediscover. I was resisting that notion. I noticed that I resist a lot those things that make me uncomfortable. My linear mind tells me that there is a catch or it is way to good to be true. The borders and boundaries are built high and wide, and I create excuses for their existence. Inevitably I let them down, but I have been wondering has the good part already evaporated by the time I am ready to indulge in it?
I have been reading a lot about living in the shadows this month in the magazine Science of Mind. It has been talking about hiding things and how they grow in the darkness, and it isn't until you shine the light of truth that they disappear. It had me thinking about my personal experience, and how my manhood and experiences as a man have been largely dictated by what I don't want to be, more so than what it is that I want to be. I have recognized it, and I am correcting it. It is truly important for me to define my life in the affirmative as opposed to the negative. That is the only way for me to achieve those things that allow me to grow, prosper and flourish.
Finally, Casual Friday is 99.4% done, and I am finally excited about finishing my first film. I started something and completed it, and that is huge for me. I can not express how huge that really is for me. Especially since I know this is only the beginning. I am a filmmaker not only in theory, but in practice and in deed. It is done, and I am happy.
It doesn't seem like a month since I have written here, shared my feelings or experiences, or purged my system. But it has been, and it felt really weird. A lot has been going on most of it good, all of it good actually, some of it just didn't feel great as I was going through it. I was told a while ago that the growing process never ends, that there is always new heights to explore and new parts of ourselves to rediscover. I was resisting that notion. I noticed that I resist a lot those things that make me uncomfortable. My linear mind tells me that there is a catch or it is way to good to be true. The borders and boundaries are built high and wide, and I create excuses for their existence. Inevitably I let them down, but I have been wondering has the good part already evaporated by the time I am ready to indulge in it?
I have been reading a lot about living in the shadows this month in the magazine Science of Mind. It has been talking about hiding things and how they grow in the darkness, and it isn't until you shine the light of truth that they disappear. It had me thinking about my personal experience, and how my manhood and experiences as a man have been largely dictated by what I don't want to be, more so than what it is that I want to be. I have recognized it, and I am correcting it. It is truly important for me to define my life in the affirmative as opposed to the negative. That is the only way for me to achieve those things that allow me to grow, prosper and flourish.
Finally, Casual Friday is 99.4% done, and I am finally excited about finishing my first film. I started something and completed it, and that is huge for me. I can not express how huge that really is for me. Especially since I know this is only the beginning. I am a filmmaker not only in theory, but in practice and in deed. It is done, and I am happy.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Approval
I am Mark Benson and I approve of this message.
I approve of me as I am. I approve of me improving. I approve of loving myself unconditionally. I approve of self-acceptance. Today is a new day. I am bound by today and this moment and only this moment. Everything I want, need and desire is available to me Now. It is my choice whether I fret over past choices or live for today and in today. It really isn't rocket science, it is simple even though it isn't always easy. It is complicated by my unwillingness to submit and relinquish control over my emotions and the situations at hand. Or my desire to place blame instead of accepting responsibility. Being accountable for me to me and by me.
Today has been kind of an up and down day. I am feeling the need to change some things in my life, but do not know where or how to begin. I don't believe in bemoaning my lot, so I will just say that there are some changes that are necessary in the areas of job and housing. No need to really go to deep into it, since by goal for today is letting go of yesterday. I realize that I am particular and sometimes quirky, and am beyond fine with that. I like my own space. Not that I am not into sharing or compromising, but somethings to me seem commonsensical. It is what it is though. I can control only what I can control. It is timing and choices meeting up at the right time. My choices and my timing.
Looking to end on a high note. Pick myself up as I go to work and put on my game face on. Ha. I have had much worse jobs and it goes by quickly, but now that I have gotten my feet wet as a filmmaker I am eager and anxious to honestly start making a living out of that. Doing only what I love doing...which for the record is filmmaking, acting, and producing(all types of art). I also enjoy working with youth, but in being honest with myself that is secondary to being an artist. I love...oooops...was about to justify myself for no reason and to no one in particular. So I don't know if this is a high note, but I will end it there.
I approve of me as I am. I approve of me improving. I approve of loving myself unconditionally. I approve of self-acceptance. Today is a new day. I am bound by today and this moment and only this moment. Everything I want, need and desire is available to me Now. It is my choice whether I fret over past choices or live for today and in today. It really isn't rocket science, it is simple even though it isn't always easy. It is complicated by my unwillingness to submit and relinquish control over my emotions and the situations at hand. Or my desire to place blame instead of accepting responsibility. Being accountable for me to me and by me.
Today has been kind of an up and down day. I am feeling the need to change some things in my life, but do not know where or how to begin. I don't believe in bemoaning my lot, so I will just say that there are some changes that are necessary in the areas of job and housing. No need to really go to deep into it, since by goal for today is letting go of yesterday. I realize that I am particular and sometimes quirky, and am beyond fine with that. I like my own space. Not that I am not into sharing or compromising, but somethings to me seem commonsensical. It is what it is though. I can control only what I can control. It is timing and choices meeting up at the right time. My choices and my timing.
Looking to end on a high note. Pick myself up as I go to work and put on my game face on. Ha. I have had much worse jobs and it goes by quickly, but now that I have gotten my feet wet as a filmmaker I am eager and anxious to honestly start making a living out of that. Doing only what I love doing...which for the record is filmmaking, acting, and producing(all types of art). I also enjoy working with youth, but in being honest with myself that is secondary to being an artist. I love...oooops...was about to justify myself for no reason and to no one in particular. So I don't know if this is a high note, but I will end it there.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Growing Pains...Or something like that
Trust
Truth
Love
Hope
Compassion
Honesty
Integrity
Choice
Richness
Silence
Gratitude
Joy
Liberation
Freedom
Fullness
Sentimental
Creativity
Generosity
...
Looking in the mirror I see the reflection of the cracking soul and spiritual stretch marks. I am eager to be something new, different and yes better, but along the way I keep seeming to forget that sometimes time is the only thing that will work. Giving me time to look at myself. Giving myself time to "smell the roses". Giving myself a space to be wrong, to err and to regroup. I see what I am capable of...matter of fact I know what I am capable of and because of that I get frustrated with myself when I don't live up to what I know I could be. I put way too much pressure on myself. I stress over the trivial aspects and the minute details. It is not working for me. There is a gap between what I do and what I should do.
Accountable
Responsible
Trustworthy
Humble
Strong
Sincere
Secure
I often see glimpses of the ideal me, then it fades. The me I know I should be. Doing the good that needs to be done...moving beyond that self absorbed person. Releasing the blame of a past that is long gone and standing fully aware that this moment is truly controllable. The goodness of the moment is not merely chance or a fluke, but it is the way my life should be lived. Daily... Speaking in the affirmative is not something I do often. It has been easier to not commit...to keep my options open and all that jazz, but in the long run(and short one too) I get uncommitted results. Or should I say inconsistent responses from myself, the Universe and every one and thing involved. It is imperative that I be able to assess my progress(or lack thereof) without blaming myself and being harsh when I feel I fall short. Critiquing without being critical is the best way I can think to say it.
Wise
Funny
Eclectic
Passionate
Smiley
Energetic
Powerful
No rhyme or reason necessary. It is what it is. Do my best at any given time, and know that great results will manifest out of it. Don't be afraid that the worse will happen. Enter into it seeing the best results already happening. Speak to myself in an affirmative tone regularly and believe it. Stop the word play and live from a deeper place. Be it. Stop running. Be Still. Have Faith. Envision it. Recognize the inherent beauty that is naturally there. Stop playing small to fit in. Yeah...something like that...no...exactly that. Yes.
Truth
Love
Hope
Compassion
Honesty
Integrity
Choice
Richness
Silence
Gratitude
Joy
Liberation
Freedom
Fullness
Sentimental
Creativity
Generosity
...
Looking in the mirror I see the reflection of the cracking soul and spiritual stretch marks. I am eager to be something new, different and yes better, but along the way I keep seeming to forget that sometimes time is the only thing that will work. Giving me time to look at myself. Giving myself time to "smell the roses". Giving myself a space to be wrong, to err and to regroup. I see what I am capable of...matter of fact I know what I am capable of and because of that I get frustrated with myself when I don't live up to what I know I could be. I put way too much pressure on myself. I stress over the trivial aspects and the minute details. It is not working for me. There is a gap between what I do and what I should do.
Accountable
Responsible
Trustworthy
Humble
Strong
Sincere
Secure
I often see glimpses of the ideal me, then it fades. The me I know I should be. Doing the good that needs to be done...moving beyond that self absorbed person. Releasing the blame of a past that is long gone and standing fully aware that this moment is truly controllable. The goodness of the moment is not merely chance or a fluke, but it is the way my life should be lived. Daily... Speaking in the affirmative is not something I do often. It has been easier to not commit...to keep my options open and all that jazz, but in the long run(and short one too) I get uncommitted results. Or should I say inconsistent responses from myself, the Universe and every one and thing involved. It is imperative that I be able to assess my progress(or lack thereof) without blaming myself and being harsh when I feel I fall short. Critiquing without being critical is the best way I can think to say it.
Wise
Funny
Eclectic
Passionate
Smiley
Energetic
Powerful
No rhyme or reason necessary. It is what it is. Do my best at any given time, and know that great results will manifest out of it. Don't be afraid that the worse will happen. Enter into it seeing the best results already happening. Speak to myself in an affirmative tone regularly and believe it. Stop the word play and live from a deeper place. Be it. Stop running. Be Still. Have Faith. Envision it. Recognize the inherent beauty that is naturally there. Stop playing small to fit in. Yeah...something like that...no...exactly that. Yes.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
Yvonne Benson, MY MOM! She left the physical world 5/31/1986, and yeah I have spoken about it but never really talking about the impact she had on me. I kind of put up a shield or a guard and spoke about her in vagueness. Yeah, I have and will always Love my Mother. It is because of her allowing me to be me and feel things(I cried alot as a young child) that I am as creative and compassionate (and all the other qualities I admire in me) as I am today. Yvonne Benson had/has a strong personality and people understood her point of view on things very clearly from the first moment they met her. But she raised me very differently, she raised me to care about things outwardly(she cared a lot but kept it bottled in) and to understand that being a Man was not all about being macho and a rah rah attitude. I was told to listen, pay attention, and to think for myself. She told me she would always have my back if I was right, and I believe that to this day! She still has my back. She also told me that if she had my back and I mislead her she would not go easy on me either. And she didn't, but now I have integrity because of that. I am a stronger Man, a better Human Being and a productive Citizen because of her. My Mom had a crazy sense of style and people really dug that about her. She didn't believe in copying others and looked to be The Original at all times. She had me understand that sometime it was ok to stand alone. Don't always follow the pack is what she said time and time again. I remember when I was about 10 or 11 , if that, she went to the hair dresser and came home with her colored Plum. I thought it was purple but she corrected me and everyone else who got it wrong. Yeah she did her on thing even way back then, and the is why I am not afraid to do mine! I am truly thankful and grateful for the Man that I am and the lion's share of the credit goes to Yvonne Benson.
Mom, your Wease(one of her many names for me) is doing better than okay and on this day and every day I thank You for that. I love you
Mom, your Wease(one of her many names for me) is doing better than okay and on this day and every day I thank You for that. I love you
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Comfort Zone
Comfort is what you have when God gives you the victory. Then, you can pass it on to others." ~Raye Adkins
Fear is corruptible. I like me. I love me actually. That is an important thing for me to remember. I sometimes give my power away! I give other outside sources more credit than I give myself. I underestimate my own power and self worth. This particular time it is a job that I am falling prey too. It is consuming me, and it is not something I like. It is important for me to realize where my strength lies. It is in my creativity. My true strength is in my art. That is my purpose and that is where my attention has to remain. Everything else is transient. Actually everything is transient. We are always evolving and the same way something or someone comes into my Life in Diving Timing it will continuously happen when I am centered in Spirit. Now that is where my unmovable strength truly resides. In Spirit! The only thing that is not temporary in my Life. Spirit.
Happiness is key. Joy is what I am seeking. Expanding my self in ways that seemed improbable merely a few weeks ago. Releasing that fear that stopped me from claiming the desires of my heart. Love, Career, Family etc. Taking a moment to breathe and center myself. Picturing the goodness that is available to me and in me. Being comfortable in discomfort. Yeah I don't know. It all seems so simple some days, and then others days it feels like solving some algebraic equation. Most days I have more questions than answers and I am cool with that, but there are times when I just want to know. I wanna know what the future holds for me. I just wanna know when it will all jump off. I wanna, I wanna I wanna...this is when it is important for me to remember the things I always seem to forget. God knows and I need to trust in It more. Meditate and pray more. Continue to give and live freely. To not worry about tomorrow, but to enjoy today and bask in the glory of It all right now. I am blessed.
Fear is corruptible. I like me. I love me actually. That is an important thing for me to remember. I sometimes give my power away! I give other outside sources more credit than I give myself. I underestimate my own power and self worth. This particular time it is a job that I am falling prey too. It is consuming me, and it is not something I like. It is important for me to realize where my strength lies. It is in my creativity. My true strength is in my art. That is my purpose and that is where my attention has to remain. Everything else is transient. Actually everything is transient. We are always evolving and the same way something or someone comes into my Life in Diving Timing it will continuously happen when I am centered in Spirit. Now that is where my unmovable strength truly resides. In Spirit! The only thing that is not temporary in my Life. Spirit.
Happiness is key. Joy is what I am seeking. Expanding my self in ways that seemed improbable merely a few weeks ago. Releasing that fear that stopped me from claiming the desires of my heart. Love, Career, Family etc. Taking a moment to breathe and center myself. Picturing the goodness that is available to me and in me. Being comfortable in discomfort. Yeah I don't know. It all seems so simple some days, and then others days it feels like solving some algebraic equation. Most days I have more questions than answers and I am cool with that, but there are times when I just want to know. I wanna know what the future holds for me. I just wanna know when it will all jump off. I wanna, I wanna I wanna...this is when it is important for me to remember the things I always seem to forget. God knows and I need to trust in It more. Meditate and pray more. Continue to give and live freely. To not worry about tomorrow, but to enjoy today and bask in the glory of It all right now. I am blessed.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Perceptions
We grow and we change. The very things that seemed so very clear can become muddled and mired in an instance. We resist that change and try to hold on to that feeling that invigorated us sooooo much. Life goes on though, and we do ourselves a disservice by attempting to recreate a past that has moved on. I have noticed my resistance lately. It has manifested itself once again in the form of another person in my life. I have said before I am magnificent at giving advice, but receiving advice...well whoa... I got this. I have been better at not giving my opinion lately, after all is just my opinion and at the end of the day it only matters to me(if you get what I'm saying). But my friend kept asking me what I thought and for everything I said there was a level of resistance. As I was about to get annoyed I took a pause to do a quick internal check. Why is this bothering me? In what part of my Life is this relevant? I noticed that I am resistant to a few things right now, especially when I think someone is trying to "change me". I can be strong willed and yet comfortable with my routine. I do no mind change just on my own terms(ha), and I put up strong resistance when I feel something being "forced" upon me. So it is important for me to be more flexible and less controlling was the lesson that immediately came to me. I am sure the deeper meaning will also be revealed as well.
This was going somewhere totally different when I started it, but the necessity of the moment was more about a recognition of an issue that was dominating my thoughts. When this blog started it was about sharing a journey, my journey, to a better me. For better or for worse I decided to look at my thoughts and how they affect my life and make some changes. The changes have not been as drastic as I thought they would be, but they are happening. Someone told me that the key to patience is to do something else while you wait. I was not doing anything else. I was looking at the proverbial clock on the wall patting my foot and waiting to be a better person. Well there were a couple issues that came about from that approach. One and most importantly there was no acknowledgment of the person I am and the goodness that already exist. In essence I wasn't grateful for who I was(Am)...I acted like I needed to start from scratch and be a whole new me. Which was and is not the case. My purpose was and is to align my thoughts to my actions to live a more complete life. Secondly while I was waiting absolutely nothing was getting done. I don't really know what else to say about that one to be honest.
So anywho, I am trying to figure out a way to wrap this up since I don't know what it had to do with perceptions at all. Unless it is the way I am perceiving myself and the things around me. Or growth is all about perception?
This was going somewhere totally different when I started it, but the necessity of the moment was more about a recognition of an issue that was dominating my thoughts. When this blog started it was about sharing a journey, my journey, to a better me. For better or for worse I decided to look at my thoughts and how they affect my life and make some changes. The changes have not been as drastic as I thought they would be, but they are happening. Someone told me that the key to patience is to do something else while you wait. I was not doing anything else. I was looking at the proverbial clock on the wall patting my foot and waiting to be a better person. Well there were a couple issues that came about from that approach. One and most importantly there was no acknowledgment of the person I am and the goodness that already exist. In essence I wasn't grateful for who I was(Am)...I acted like I needed to start from scratch and be a whole new me. Which was and is not the case. My purpose was and is to align my thoughts to my actions to live a more complete life. Secondly while I was waiting absolutely nothing was getting done. I don't really know what else to say about that one to be honest.
So anywho, I am trying to figure out a way to wrap this up since I don't know what it had to do with perceptions at all. Unless it is the way I am perceiving myself and the things around me. Or growth is all about perception?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Who Am I?
"We don't attract what we want, we attract who we are." Various Authors
When I first heard that quote I was indeed intimidated. I was in a "bad" place and I felt like they were telling me I was a "bad" person. What??? Come on Son...I got judgmental and defensive. At that moment I caught myself. I am soooooo good at telling folks how to "correct their situation", but the moment someone has something for me to grow on I shut it down. I get the know it all syndrome. This was important for me because I was attracting a lot of "know it all" people in my life that I felt were making my situation worse rather than better...Yeah... so I knew then what I am forgetting now, that when times of trials and tribulations come along it is not the outside source that needs to be changed...
I am growing, and I don't want to stop growing. I am not content, but I am not dissatisfied either. I am happy with what I have, but I know I am capable of so much more. It sounded (sounds) like a contradiction when I first thought of it, but it is ever so clear to me right now. I am happy with where I am on this journey, but I know the journey is far from complete.
Who I am, changes just as it remains the same. At the core of my soul I am already the goodness that I am seeking...the harmony, peace, prosperity etc...It has shown itself in a myriad of different ways and different times(daily it seems). Sometimes it gets to me actually because I want that normalcy or consistency that I am taught I should have, but I realize or am coming to realize that this is my normalcy and it will go smoother if I stop attempting to fit it into a box that someone else has handed me. Get rid of the box! It ain't me.
When I first heard that quote I was indeed intimidated. I was in a "bad" place and I felt like they were telling me I was a "bad" person. What??? Come on Son...I got judgmental and defensive. At that moment I caught myself. I am soooooo good at telling folks how to "correct their situation", but the moment someone has something for me to grow on I shut it down. I get the know it all syndrome. This was important for me because I was attracting a lot of "know it all" people in my life that I felt were making my situation worse rather than better...Yeah... so I knew then what I am forgetting now, that when times of trials and tribulations come along it is not the outside source that needs to be changed...
I am growing, and I don't want to stop growing. I am not content, but I am not dissatisfied either. I am happy with what I have, but I know I am capable of so much more. It sounded (sounds) like a contradiction when I first thought of it, but it is ever so clear to me right now. I am happy with where I am on this journey, but I know the journey is far from complete.
Who I am, changes just as it remains the same. At the core of my soul I am already the goodness that I am seeking...the harmony, peace, prosperity etc...It has shown itself in a myriad of different ways and different times(daily it seems). Sometimes it gets to me actually because I want that normalcy or consistency that I am taught I should have, but I realize or am coming to realize that this is my normalcy and it will go smoother if I stop attempting to fit it into a box that someone else has handed me. Get rid of the box! It ain't me.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Weird Place
A lot of great things are unfolding in my life right now. It feels good, for the most part that is. As I step into uncharted territory in my life there is an uneasiness happening. It is like the first time I got behind the wheel of a car and realized how much power is in my hands at that moment. I feel that way now. I have so much power at my disposal through my thoughts, and how I perceive things and events. Right Thought and Right Action are a powerfully magnetic combination. The key for me now is remembering the purpose in it all, and not getting complacent because something feels good. I can appreciate what I am receiving and still understand that better things are still in the horizon.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Adendum...Be about it
"Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times you gotta call it up and invite it over for tea." Fred G. Sanford
I am tired of talking about it. As my Grandma would say to me often, "piss or get off of the pot." It is done. I am doing It. I am free of the past. I am clinging to nothing that held me stagnant. I was purging this morning and the same song was about to pop up again. And a voice inside of me I have rarely if ever heard before proclaimed..."Enough"...and so it is. Enough. I am good. I am clear. I am free.
Today is a good day.
I am tired of talking about it. As my Grandma would say to me often, "piss or get off of the pot." It is done. I am doing It. I am free of the past. I am clinging to nothing that held me stagnant. I was purging this morning and the same song was about to pop up again. And a voice inside of me I have rarely if ever heard before proclaimed..."Enough"...and so it is. Enough. I am good. I am clear. I am free.
Today is a good day.
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