Love IS In Need of Love

Make It Plain

Back in the Day one of the churches I used to go, a Deacon would always shout "make it plain" as the Pastor was preaching.

I get it now...

I thought I got it then...

Make it Plain!

Yes!

Like Father Like Son

Last Thursday my Pop was in a car accident. It was a 5 car collision and the person who rear ended him was either texting or something but she didn't break and that led him to hit the car in front of him and so forth and so on. The lady who hit him, her car flipped twice. I am thankful that he is okay (and the driver of the other cars as well), he is a little sore, but he is doing well otherwise. I went to Philly to check on him this weekend. I took him grocery shopping and just spent a few hours with him. I'm realizing as we grow older tomorrow is not promised and we have to cherish each moment. I was planning to go down that way this weekend (Philly/South Jersey) to see my niece off to her junior prom (she looked beautiful) so I decided to extend my stay and check in on him and my aunt as well. Even though I am very much a loner and love my me time, my family is very important to me. Sometimes I get so rapped up in my own world of activities that I forget to check in and simply say I love you. I take for granted that they know this but it is always nice to hear....

So yeah, while hanging with my Pops I just listened and I really noticed that we do have a lot of similarities in the way we think. On top of having similar mannerism as well. My mother always told me I walked with my Pop. This is peculiar to me, because I was not raised by my father; actually we had very little contact until my early 20s. Our relationship has been an exercise in forgiveness on probably both behalf's because I was passive aggressive and held a grudge longer than I needed to. He constantly reminds me to let go of yesterday and live in the moment. Build on the good things that happen and let go of the negative things. He has said this to me for 20 years now, but my bitterness didn't let me hear it for half of those years. I need to grow up, be a man a learn to forgive. I have and I am a better man for it.

Bottom line is, I am my father's son. I am of course paving my own way through life and am learning as I go along. He told me years ago he won't give me advice unless I ask because they are my choices and I have to live them and then he said..."plus you gonna do what you want to do anyway." I appreciate that, he supports me in what I do and doesn't dwell on the choices I make that may not turn out as I hoped. It is my turn to continue to accept him as he is, which in the overall scheme of things is pretty darn good. Funny, I feel like a kid when I am around him now, even though he never treats me like one. Just a thought popped into my head. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for him as a man and as my father, and I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to spend this time with him. So many cats never get that opportunity, so no more whining about what wasn't. It is about the present moment. 

Side note on the end of this...
I was impressed that when we went shopping he bought healthy things read the labels for sodium content, and stayed away from red meat and pork. He has hypertension, so it is good to know he is watching what he eats.

Resistance is Futile

I woke up this morning (duh) and as I was going about my morning rituals I felt some resistance to thoughts I was having. Didn't know why I was resisting this particular idea but I was. Anyway it got me to contemplating some things...

Peace,
MAB

Revealing Oneself

So yesterday I had my first date since I've been back to NYC. There was the usual (well for me at least)  nervous jitters type of thing happening. Will I make a good impression? Does my breath stink? Why did I forget to put on deodorant? You know the mind races all over the place. My mind naturally races and wanders and creates scenarios that are sometimes productive but can also be a distraction for me. We went to see the Basquiat exhibit at the Gagosian art gallery; yesterday was the last day and I wanted to see it one last time before it left. Then we went to Williamsburg for Thai food after walking around Manhattan a little bit. The conversation flowed pretty easily. It was good to be on a date with a woman who is extremely interesting, funny, beautiful and intelligent. The whole situation was very comfortable. Even the moments of silence were not awkward.

Anyway, when I initially met her there was definitely an attraction there, but my inner 7th grader came back and the words just didn't seem to flow right at first. I stumbled about trying to express myself. The thing that I noticed immediately was that she was assertive without being pushy or aggressive. It was a confidence about her, and that confidence was still evident on our date. During the course of our date I felt the urge to just let it all out. There was an honesty about her that helped me put my guard down. I am notoriously guarded about sharing my feelings. Add that to my commitment issues, and that more explains my singleness. Ok, I digressed and threw in a sympathy moment. Yeah, her energy was dope, and even on the areas which didn't seem to immediately compatible there was openness to the discussion that didn't make it seem that much of an issue after all.

Sometimes we meet people whose mere presence helps us to feel at ease. Their energy and warmth create a space that is conducive to sharing. The thing is if they are sincere they may not recognize that they have that type power. She has it, and if she knows it she does't let on. The thing is I'm enjoying the moment and not looking  to far into the future and setting expectations based on some fantasy of how shit should be, but allowing it to just be. Which is how life should be in all of our relationships and experiences. Not that we go tell everything to everyone, but when we find that space where we can be vulnerable and open...do it. If you don't find a person then blog, journal or whatever. Create a space that you can just be so when you find a person who opens up your soul you don't feel like you are burdening them with your life story.

Peace,
MAB

Short Attention Span

I have one!
That is all!
The End!

Labels And The Ties That Bind

This  one is about labeling and how labeling can be counterproductive to truth. I've eschewed labeling myself in the past because often times we are caught defending that label and what it means as opposed to finding the truth in the situation. Anyway, just some thoughts on the matter.

Peace,
MAB

Do Something

This Journey

I've been thinking a lot lately about this journey, my journey, this Life, my Life. After my friend took his life, a feeling of mortality really hit me. Life is short and precious...Our time is valuable, or should be at least. We matter to someone somewhere out there. Even if we may not see it or believe it. So many times many of us go through life not knowing we are loved simply because. True love requires no return investment (although it would be nice). People may love us from afar or via a casual encounter somewhere, and something about us touched a place in their heart. The way we smiled or held open a door for someone and let them pass first. The slightest gesture can inspire feelings of love from another. I am speaking on that intangible love, by the way, not the Hollywood romance type of thing. 

Anyway, I began this blog a while ago to track the changes in my life. To share my experiences as I change my thought to change my life. Looking back on it now it was kind of vague because change could mean anything. I wasn't as clear then in my own mind as to what it is I wanted or was seeking. Ask and It is Given, but what am I asking for? At the time I may have been clear but through evolution, space and time we realize that life is so much more than just what we previously experienced. Yeah, so I was starting this blog because I was unhappy, dissatisfied or eager for something new in my Life. Chances are it was surrounding money since I always seemed to be unhappy financially, but I digress. So again the question arose in me today, why am I doing this? What is it that, before I physically leave this planet, would leave me totally fulfilled? 

As a child 3 things that people said about me resonate the most. I was sensitive (a cry-baby/mommy's boy), funny and had a vivid imagination. Although Moms is not here to a certain extent all 3 are still very true. They've been my foundation and the thing I retreat to when I need a release from the real world. I've added other dimensions to my personality but at my core these are the elements I've carried with me the longest. They've sustained me... I hide the sensitivity part because... well I just did.  Lately though with so much turmoil in the world, it has been more difficult to just tuck it away. So I use a pen, pad and camera to work through it. The thing that I am working on is "worrying" about how it will be received, and simply letting it Be. 

MAB

Pieces Of A Man
Gil Scott-Heron

Diplomacy

I see both sides

Both are right

Both are wrong

Neither will listen

We all suffer...

Hidden

I hide behind Jokes and Fairy-tales
Hiding the sensitive parts of me
Head in the sand
Emotionally uncommitted
Wanting the very thing I fear
Fearing the happiness it will bring
Retreating into safety's layers
Leaving it for tomorrow
Unresolved
Tucked away
Hidden

Let's Be Social

So yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine about a myriad of things as we usually do, and the topic of R&B singers came up. He said that there weren't as many good "singers" today as it was in our day (I know we sound like our elders before us but hey). As the conversation went on I realized that part of the issue may be social networking and how entertainment is disseminated  to the public. My point was and is that now people don't really have a focus on live shows, because even the live show are digitized and auto-tuned. Anyway, this is not an indictment of any sort just a recognition if you will of some differences.  

The Voice

This blog is about using our voice and not being afraid of being redundant when speaking your voice even if that point has been hammered home by others. We need more voices and more variety in those voices when speaking on issues that matter. Sometimes we may be alone in speaking our mind and that is really when you need to raise your voice whether in speech or action. 

Peace,
MAB

The Light

In our own unique way, I believe each of us are seeking The Light. Whether it be the Light at the end of the tunnel or a light within ourselves that lets us know everything will be okay. We want it and we need it, but we've managed to somehow let that light dim or believe that it is too far away to see and achieve so we've given up. I know on many occasions I've wanted to pack it in and call it a day, but that voice on the inside keeps me searching and seeking that Light! It is not always literal giving up, but many of us wake up every day defeated and resigned to our previous days fate unwilling or unable to see something new and refreshing in this day. 

I watched PBS NewsHour last night and it is by far a better news source than anything else out there. I didn't feel manipulated, frightened or worried about my Life while watching it. It was literally just reporting followed by a couple of feel good worthy stories at the end. It had me thinking about other "news" sources and how their quest for ratings has taken the focus away from true journalism into a type of variety show. It dims our Light. It has us fearing the invisible that may or may not ever happen. It doesn't teach us to search for the answers and seek out our Light. It doesn't inform us on how we as a nation and as a people can be of service to others and a healing Light to the world. It leaves us empty, it is calories without substance.

My Light gets dimmed every once in a while! I begin to focus on the things that aren't going right or going the way that I may have wanted them to go, and lose sight of the bigger picture in and for my Life. I intended to write a scathing blog today on people's (via the media)  laziness and all that, but in the end it is better to shine a Light than curse the darkness as they say. Go outside today, this morning even and as Richard Pryor said in his autobiography, "let a little sun hit your face." 

Peace & Love,
MAB

The Pressure

When I am in this creative state that I'm in right now I put a lot pressure on myself to get IT done right now. I get restless,  impatient and annoyed easily. It feels like the world is passing me by and I'm completely worthless because the project(s) aren't done. Completely irrational I know, but that is what's happening right about now. These are the times when I really need to slow down and say everything is okay, this process takes time and you are not on anyone else's schedule. Relax and have fun which is why I started this in the beginning.

Desperation can breed irrational behavior and inappropriate choices. It doesn't allow us to act wisely or take the time to sit back and think things through. What I noticed over the last couple of weeks is that putting pressure on myself has led to an unnecessary sense of desperation and is leading me to go back and straighten out some wrongs that could've been right if I had just chilled out and let it be.

Anywho, we live and learn. Or as my Pop likes to say, "If yesterday was a good day build on it, if not let it go." Thanks Pop! I'm letting it go and moving onward. No more Pressure

Pic by www.musicstack.com
Song- A Tribe Called Quest-The Pressure

Overwhelming/Finding my space

With the proliferation of media outlets feeding our brains with fear based reporting, it is imperative for those of us who still want to remain active in the process to find time and a space to unwind and rejuvenate our mind, body and soul.

 

Why are ye so fearful?

"And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?" 
Mark 4:40

Let me first that I picked that version of the parable because it is from the book of Mark. Kidding. Kind of. Anyway, as I was going through my twitter feed today checking out tweets and just observing the variety of tweets that people post. Some are direct and some beat around the bush, some clever and others mean spirited. I came across some folks though that don't care and not in the negative way at all, but they have a point to make and they will say it. I don't know if that is my style but I applaud and appreciate the boldness, and not just boldness for the sake of being bold but also with (in my opinion) a valid beef, point or observation. Boldness also doesn't have to be loud and obnoxious, and I think we have misconstrued the two. We have managed to equate boldness and strength with loudness and in affect managed to watch a whole of lot strong men and women get turned away and frustrated because their needs were not met. As a society we lose out because this, valuable resources are lost and communities get overlooked and turned away. 

So, yeah what does this have to do with fear and me? I am glad you asked. I've kind of looked at film-making and art as my voice and the way that I speak and get my point across. Today I realized that may not be enough for me. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine right before I moved from L.A. and at the end of the conversation she said to me, "I didn't know you were so political." I was shocked at myself because social activism and politics are important to me (not the political parties mind you) and I had managed to not speak up on it. Which brings my to the fearful part, because of my  leanings are sometimes very far from the mainstream and some would even call radical I feared getting into confrontations over it. I am very passionate about things and often my conversations on politics (and Tyler Perry movies) get heated. So I managed to kind of just let things ride and keep my views to myself. As I look for balance and serenity in my life I need to find ways to release and discuss my feelings without getting heated or worry about ridicule or being  right. 

I really don't go back to often and check my prior posts. I think one day I will just grab a cup of  green tea and read away. I am sure or at least hope I have had some posts that talk about my feeling on politics and how I feel socially about things. If not here is a quick breakdown. Real quick. Mainstream media is whack (biased and uninformative)! We need a third party (fourth and fifth too), we need major education re-haul where nothing is left off the table (even questioning the unions role in its decline) I don't care for either major party. One is better than the other but both have serious flaws. Yeah, anyway this post when I first started was about changing my thoughts, I realize that some don't need changing just verbalizing them in a productive way.

Freestyling

This is just me freestyling on thoughts of the day. Randomness at its finest.

Heavy Heart

Today I heard that a great friend of mine passed away a few weeks ago. Even though we had not spoken in a little while, the impact of his kindness, generosity and humor will always be with me. My prayers go out to all who have lost a loved one recently. Cherish the relationships in your life. They are important and necessary. Much Love. 

Peace

No control

Relinquishing control over our lives can be challenging for those of us who feel we have no control to begin with.