Fuck it.

I was standing on the subway platform my by house last week as the 2 train began pulling in to the train station. I noticed that I was standing closer to the yellow line, the edge, than I usually was, at that very moment the thought “fuck it” popped into my. I literally took a step back to gather my thoughts and shake it off. Now before I get phone calls or any kind of “advice”, I am not feeling suicidal. It did cause me to pause and really think about my life. By “all” accounts I was in the midst of a productive week. I had been submitting the last short film I directed to film festivals, a short I co-wrote was picked up in a film festival, and I was expanding my scope and knowledge as a photographer. A good week. Then that happened, and I thought about Lee Thompson Young. I thought about Robin Williams. I thought about Malik Bendjelloul. I thought about the uncle I never met. As I began my train ride, I thought about the many people, who may have been on appearance having a good week, month, year or life, but for some reason unbeknownst to us said “fuck it” and followed through. Again for me it did not seem like an imminent or dire situation. I was able to shake it off. Some of us cannot and have not. I am fortunate. I am grateful.

Mental health is a very personal topic for me. I have (had) been challenged with panic and anxiety attacks in the past. I sought out therapy in my mid-30s. I recognized I needed help and I received it. I also learned to silence the outside world (somewhat), I practiced meditation more and I researched what to do when they arose. I wanted to get better. Deep down I knew this was not normal, but in my immediate community I didn’t always believe it was a safe space to discuss these issues. Certain issues were dealt with side eyes and snickering about how “crazy” such and such was. In silence I suffered. Then my circled expanded. I met people who were open and encouraging, people who shared their stories unabashedly, and even though I was never really ready to share my story I began to realize I was not alone and there was help available.  I am fortunate. I am grateful.

Worrying about not having enough is a huge issue in my life.

Enough money.

Healthy enough.

Enough love.

Enough talent.

Enough drive.

I have overly focused on these to the point where the things I have not wanted have manifested themselves in various ways because that is where I put my attention. That is where my dominant thoughts resided. I know better. Knowing better does not always lead to doing better. Complacency is a helluva drug. I do know that I now have a better support system than I did before. My spiritual practice is better. I don’t drink or eat to escape my feelings. I journal more (working on doing it more regularly). Most importantly I trust and have faith that when storms come I have learned from experience that they will pass. I am fortunate. I am grateful.